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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your parents divorced

196 replies

FallgriefsGirlfriendsCats · 08/04/2021 23:03

Did it really ruin your childhood?

OP posts:
Ploughingthrough · 09/04/2021 00:04

No it made mine better. Awful atmosphere was dissipated and my mum was a lot happier.

TableFlowerss · 09/04/2021 00:07

They stayed together until I as about 18 then got divorced. I wish they’d done it years earlier cos then my poor mother wouldn’t have had to suffer at the hands of my abusive father.

She ended up an alcoholic and dies when I was young... absolute waster of a life. She could have met someone else and had her happy ever after.

Pretty shit childhood as you can imagine with animosity everyday etc.... so I certainly don’t think divorce is always the negative it’s often portrayed. We would have all had a much happier life if they’d divorced!

SinisterBumFacedCat · 09/04/2021 00:11

No. It was a big fat relief. No more constant arguments, no more enforced poverty from my dad refusing to work. Before he finally moved out the house was literally split in two with my Dad living downstairs and my mum and me upstairs with the shared custody over the kitchen. Living like that in your own home was more traumatic than divorce. If my parents had stayed together I think I would have been seriously fucked up.

StellaElevator · 09/04/2021 00:11

My parents separated when I was 14. The fact they waited until then to separate was what ruined things for me aged 9 - 14 because they weren’t happy together and their arguments and the atmosphere in the house had a horrible effect on me. Both are now remarried and very happy.

RosesAndHellebores · 09/04/2021 00:18

Whilst they were married they were civilised albeit unsuited. They separated when I was 12 - a very bad time. Once they were divorced they became very acrimonious and then each had a short lived 2nd marriage. Both found the right partner 3rd time round - my mother more quickly than father.

roaringmouse · 09/04/2021 00:21

Yes, my parents divorced when I was 6yrs old and it was devastating for me.

needadvice321 · 09/04/2021 00:24

Not ruined. But I cried about it daily for 2 years. And 30+ years later it still causes issues. My siblings and I are all ‘damaged goods’. I have no relationship with one parent, very ‘surface only’ relationship with the other. But, what really did the damage was the way they handled it and the aftermarth, step parents etc. I think if it was handled differently a lot less damage would have been done.

DK123 · 09/04/2021 00:30

The fact my parents didn't divorce ruined my childhood. I lived in a home filled with abuse, aggression and you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. I was constantly anxious and on high alert. I wasn't able to really comprehend the situation at the time or get any objective opinion or distance myself from it so I was just permanently scared and felt sick all the time. It messed me up for life and although I've had a lot of therapy, I'm nowhere near over it. I'm in a constant state of high alert or fight or flight mode and I don't know how to stop it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 09/04/2021 00:31

I echo the 'would have been better if they had' sentiment
My mother was a manipulative cow, it was unhealthy.
Lucky half sister only had to endure her for a few weeks a year, then escaped back to her Dad's.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 09/04/2021 00:34

We walked on eggshells around my father's moods and it turned out years later that he had an affair, I think that this was the point that he started picking on mum more and their relationship never recovered fully.
My mum turned to work to escape the marriage and we hardly saw her as teens and then we left and the marriage broke down, I do remember missing her during those years.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/04/2021 00:40

No. My dad was abusive. My mum was a Catholic. He died of cancer years ago. My mum met a lovely man and remarried in her late 60's.

We're all grown up now, but the guilt she carries of making us all party to the physical, financial and emotional abuse she endured, weighs so very heavily on her.

It wasn't her fault.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/04/2021 00:42

So what I'm saying, is I wished they had divorced

whatacarryon2018 · 09/04/2021 00:44

Yes

CarelessSquid07A · 09/04/2021 00:44

Hard to know i don't remember a time they weren't divorced. But tbh it did suck being the only kid with divorced parents for a long time. By the end if primary school there were a couple more families that were.

Going to mates houses it always fascinated me how families with Dads worked and I desperately wanted one but mine never kept in touch after the divorce.

I wish they'd divorced later so I had some memories of it but to be honest they never should have married or had a child. Neither of them were good parents or good for each other. Rather sad really.

eeyore228 · 09/04/2021 00:47

The divorce wasn't the issue. It was the lies my DM made up to make herself a victim. It was the manipulation and control that she invoked to ensure we had a poor relationship with my DF. She often used us as weapons against him ruining my relationship not just with him but my family on his side. It took for each of my siblings and myself to confront my DF, shamefully on my part becoming very hostile. My lovely DF took every bitter word and explained any issue I had. DM was bitter and continued to lie eventually doing the same to another partner. She took that from her children, selfish to the last and it ruined my childhood. Thankfully now I have an amazing relationship with DF.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/04/2021 00:50

@Xoxoxoxoxoxox

We walked on eggshells around my father's moods and it turned out years later that he had an affair, I think that this was the point that he started picking on mum more and their relationship never recovered fully. My mum turned to work to escape the marriage and we hardly saw her as teens and then we left and the marriage broke down, I do remember missing her during those years.
The eggshells bit rings so true. Our youth was spent managing my dad's moods.
LouNatics · 09/04/2021 00:55

No, the divorce didn’t ruin it. Although it took a large chunk out of my inheritance. It was everything else that ruined it. Including but not limited to neglect, abuse of every type, alcoholism, critical illnesses, complex relationships with new partners and stepchildren, abandonment, criminality and airing every bit of this dirty laundry in public.

TheTeenageYears · 09/04/2021 00:59

It had a huge impact on my childhood - I'm not sure I would say ruined. It has a big impact once you are an adult too. It did come out of the blue, no obvious arguing or anything - would almost have been better if there had been some signal all was not well.

ILoveMyCaravan · 09/04/2021 01:10

Yes, completely ruined my life.

HappyAsASandboy · 09/04/2021 02:27

The divorce didn't ruin my childhood, but the way my mum handled the divorce ruined my relationship with my dad.

I had a settled childhood, a lovely step dad, and a great number of opportunities that my stepdad brought to our lives. But at the cost of my relationship with my dad, which never needed to be lost. I am angry with my mum for not handling things better so that I could have the benefits of her divorce and a positive relationship with my dad.

dayslikethese1 · 09/04/2021 04:00

The thing with divorce/separation is the effects last years (well forever really). Every family event is affected, the bitterness, the bad feelings, the having to treat parents the same and watch what you say etc. I feel like it's a lot of emotional labour managing it all and that isn't really ever acknowledged.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/04/2021 04:01

My parents separated when I was 5, which I can't even remember, got back together when I was 6 and moved abroad shortly after, then separated again when I was 7 and my brother and I returned to the UK with my mum.

In hindsight I had a somewhat poor childhood. We were badly off and my mum didn't cope well so I was somewhat neglected. Though I seemed to thrive and didn't think of myself that way when I was living through it, looking back it was poor and I can see that I was one of the kids teachers worried about. We qualified for free school meals but I wouldn't take them because they made us sit at a separate table, so I often "went home" for lunch and hung out at the rec. I was out of uniform (I hated it, but also, I had almost no clothes when I was growing), I missed days at school for no good reason. I got on the county hockey squad when I was 12 but my mum couldn't manage to get me to training so I had to drop out. We went without a lot. All sorts of ways in which, had my parents been together, I would probably have done a lot better. Mainly due to the financial situation and my mum finding it so difficult on her own (in large part due to the financial situation). We saw my dad a few times a year, he came back for a few days for my brother's birthday most years and most Easters too. He took us out to eat and bought us expensive presents and every other year would take us on exotic holidays. Very Disney Dad, but never gave my mother a break or gave her the resources to treat us.

But, when I was a teenager, my mum sort of found her feet and got herself a reasonably well paying job and things settled down. When I was about 15 my dad came back to the area for about 9 months and I got to know him better and I'm really not sure I would have been better off if they'd stayed together. He wasn't violent or traditionally abusive, but he was sooo sexist. He was rude to my mum and tried to make me behave more like the sort of girl he thought I ought to be. Wanted me to be well groomed and well spoken and good at choosing crockery and looking after the house. If they'd stayed together I might have been less neglected, but I doubt I'd have a science degree. I'm not sure I'd have strong boundaries with men or a strong sense of agency. I think, overall, my life would have been worse. However, I'm not sure that's true for my brother. I'm pretty sure that my dad's would have been worse if they'd stayed together, probably my mum's too, but she had a hard time bringing up two kids on her own and I'm not sure she'd do the same if she could have the time over. Might well have waited until we were older.

I don't think we can know that lives being messed up by divorce (or parents staying together) is an indication they would have been just fine if the other choice had been made. Sometimes you're just making the best of a bad situation and even though it's going to be bad, the alternative isn't better.

romdowa · 09/04/2021 04:41

The fact that they separated wasnt traumatizing but the way they acted afterwards was. I was 10 and I was put in the middle of most of their fights and knew most things that were going on. I was used as a weapon and neither of them protected or shielded me. Had they behaved like adults I would have had an easier time.

incandescentglow · 09/04/2021 04:57

nope not at all. they stayed extremely civil with each other and never used us as a pawn or anything, and if they disagreed, they kept it far away from us and i can never thank them enough for the way they went about it

whiteroseredrose · 09/04/2021 05:08

No.

My parents split when I was 4 and divorced when I was 7.

Both have / had very successful second marriages, prioritised me and didn't play silly games to get at eachother.

Mind you there weren't any OW or OM involved. My DM left because she wasn't happy and went back to her parents. Both met and married their new spouses a few years later.