If your parents divorced

[FallgriefsGirlfriendsCats]

Did it really ruin your childhood?

My parents divorced when I was an adult (21) and after I had left home (as the youngest child).

I was annoyed they hadn’t broken up sooner so I didn’t have to live the life I lived as a child. In fact, to be honest, I thought my mother was selfish for staying because it suited her (when it didn’t suit us at all) and when we moved out of home and it didn’t suit her to stay married anymore, then she left.

My parents staying together as long as they did ruined my life tbh. I was miserable from age 7.

My friend, as an adult, has actively told her parents to divorce because they hate each other, but they won’t because they now can’t afford to live separately. Her childhood wasn’t great either.

I divorced my ex, DD sees him weekly and they have a good relationship. We still co parent well. She has a great relationship with her stepdad (less so with her step mum but she has the emotional intelligence of a dish cloth).

Divorce really does work and I have no idea why anyone would stay together “for the kids”.

Yep, was a teenager (17) and sister (14) dad had an affair, and OW now his wife, made our life very difficult and DF couldn't see and still doesnt how she manipulates him. Went NC for 20 yrs. Mum and her mother accused us at the time of being traitors, as my dad turned up when mum was out and took all his tools for work.
Mum is planning on blowing every penny she now has in her home, it's not the end of the world but really pushes those buttons around the lack of care or consideration, let alone the abuse she condoned towards us from her mother. I'm in my mid fifties now, and am fed up with "parenting her" when she seems to have so little actual concern for me or my sister and feeling quite distanced towards her.
So yes, despite I feel I've made a success of my life, I.e didnt end up homeless or I the streets given the terrible vulnerable situation we were left in. My own family are my pride and joy. It has very much affected me.

In someways yes.

There was no more fighting or tension in the house but my Mum did just up and leave, my Dad became depressed so I had to bring myself and my siblings up which ruined my childhood and teen years

No, it was great. I was so relieved when they told me and couldn’t wait until we could move out. It was a really unhappy stressful few years before that. I think I grew up with a really healthy sense of what shouldn’t be tolerated in a relationship as a result. Dh and I have a really healthy happy marriage and the sort of family life now that neither of us had growing up.

Tricky.....
(I am not NT)
I had an extremely happy childhood. I was completely oblivious to anything 'wrong' between my parents. I was absolutely sideswiped when my mum took me to my grandma's one summer and then announced that she and I would be moving into a cottage and not going home.
I later discovered that my dad had been having an affair. My mum also said he was emotionally abusive.
My mum pretty soon became involved with my first step father. He was an arse and an abusive one at that (emotionally, physically and sexually)
We moved and I had to leave my school (all girls where I had been since the age of 5) and go to a mixed school. I was out of my depth.
My teenage years were fucking miserable. We lost our house in the middle of my A levels and it was just one huge disaster.
I am now in my 50s. My parents live at opposite ends of the country. Both have are on their own due to the deaths of their spouses. I am an only child. I am forever juggling my life to support them.

I have paid a heavy price for my Mum's freedom. I am still paying it. My husband frequently remarks that he wonders how I am as sane as I am, especially when he hears some detail of the shitstorm that was my life following their split.

So, yes, in short, my parents' divorce ruined my childhood and continues to make my life fucking difficult to this day. Although, that may possibly be due in greater part to the decisions my mum made after she left my dad. And yes, I am bitter about the whole thing.

The divorce didn’t ruin my childhood the behavior of them both particularly my mother ruined my adult life havnt had an engagement been married or even christened my daughter the anxiety of the thought of all family being together is unbearable

Yes, but that was due to my farther leaving us with very little, and then not paying maintenance (selfe employed) or having contact (so mum's work options were limited by childcare). Really it was the resulting poverty not the actual divorce that effected me.

Yes, and the studies are pretty conclusive. It's not something to be done lightly or for selfish reasons.

I think so, but it would have been much, much worse had they stayed together.

My parents NOT divorcing ruined my childhood.

Constant shouting, horrible atmosphere, storming off etc. 30 plus years after divorcing (when I was a young adult) they still can't be anywhere near each other.

I was quite an big child before I realised that married people are supposed to like each other. I genuinely thought this was normal.

Neither my brother nor I are married and I don't have children. I think it's at least partially to do with our childhood.

No but I was very young when my parents divorced, so young that I don't remember a time when they were together. I never felt like I missed out on anything.

My Mum getting with her selfish arse of a boyfriend spoiled it a little bit but overall my childhood was happy.

My parents divorced when I was 19/20 and it was the happiest day of my life.

My dad worked away alot (understandably to be away from her) which meant we were left at home with the god awful woman referred to as my mother.

All I remember from my childhood is constant fighting (When my dad was home) and we probably would've been a lot happier if my mum fucked off earlier than she did. So yes...them not getting divorced is what ruined it..

Since the divorce i've seen her once when my sister got married and I haven't spoken to her in about five years (Bar the wedding where we exchanged about three frosty words and that was that). We're all happier with her gone..

Yes, but that's because my DM has crap taste in men and keeps making the same mistakes. She's now divorced from "DH" no. 3. My dad was no. 1.

The divorce didn't ruin my childhood, the way they acted when going through it did though. If they'd had just been civil to each other I would have been fine, I genuinely believe that.

On the other hand my husband has far more issues surrounding his childhood and his parents stayed together so make of that what you will.

It's my opinion that it's the way people behave that ruins childhoods, not actual whether they separate or not.

And contrary to popular belief on here, their new partners were not an issue for me, rather than ruining it further, I'm particularly close to my step father (I actually lived with my Dad post divorce so it wasn't because I saw him more than my Dad either, he's just a nice guy ).

My parents separated when I was two and divorced when I was five. I have no memory of them being together. Growing up in the 80s I didn't know anyone whose parents weren't married, and I felt wholly inadequate for my entire childhood. My parents were NOT amicable and I lived with their barbs towards each other and using us as weapons. My mother in particular used to say hideous things.

My dad was decent, and he missed out on so much, school events, holidays, important moments in our lives. He saw me and my siblings every Saturday afternoon, and probably got the best of us. Thus he had no real idea how to parent through the bad times, and as teens when my mum decided she couldn't be arsed parenting anymore as it was too hard, we moved in with my dad and he was fairly ineffective, not really knowing about boundaries or what teenage girls need.

It was really not great. However I dont know whether it would have been any better if they had stayed together.I think either way we would be screwed up.

My mum was certainly happier for being divorced. My dad just wanted his family.

Reading this with interest as I am a divorced parent.

So sorry to every one with hard stories on this thread.

Seems that the extra impact was caused by continued arguing and introduction of unsuitable step parents?

Are there any tips people would give to reduce impact on children?
Sorry hope its ok to ask, dont mean to derail etc.

No, it vastly improved it. And it was definitely the best thing for my Mum.

@Blackopal

Reading this with interest as I am a divorced parent. So sorry to every one with hard stories on this thread.

Seems that the extra impact was caused by continued arguing and introduction of unsuitable step parents?

Are there any tips people would give to reduce impact on children?
Sorry hope its ok to ask, dont mean to derail etc.

Honestly just stopping with the nasty comments to and about each other, not involving me in things I had no business being involved in and just (in front of me at least) acting like they didn't wish the other would be hit by a bus the next day.

It wasn't the divorce itself that upset me, it was the hatred I could tell was there between my parents and the tension that caused.

I just wish someone had shaken them and said right, you don't get on? Fine. You're divorced get over it now!

I wish they had
All my life I’ve heard ‘if it hadn’t been for you I could have left your father and been happy’ (let’s gloss over the fact there are 4 of us-I’m not an only child)
Now it’s ‘we are only together for the grandkids’ (who don’t really care if nan and granddad are together as they are mostly grown up now)
They’ve been together 50 years this Christmas-I’d say at least 49 of them have been utterly miserable
Divorce doesn’t damage children-selfish actions from the adults do

My parents stayed together for the sake of the children. We grew up watching my dad treat my mum like a particularly contemptible servant, and her tiptoeing around like a little mouse. It was not a good model of a respectful relationship and my siblings and I all feel that had a negative effect on us that it has been difficult to leave behind.

@Blackopal

Reading this with interest as I am a divorced parent. So sorry to every one with hard stories on this thread.

Seems that the extra impact was caused by continued arguing and introduction of unsuitable step parents?

Are there any tips people would give to reduce impact on children?
Sorry hope its ok to ask, dont mean to derail etc.

Date without involving the children.

Never say anything bad about each other, don’t let them see any animosity.

Be civil and able to do joint events together so children don’t have to choose who they want there.

Yes, although there’s a strong argument that there would have been the same outcome if they hadn’t divorced as they were completely incompatible.

I’m 41 and when I was a young child in the 80s it was very rare for parents to be divorced - I was the only one in my year at school. Add in one or two other family-related things that made me stand out (can’t be specific as too outing), I felt like an alien. I used to fantasise about my dad picking me up from school and swinging me on his shoulders and feel very envious of friends that came from ‘normal’ homes and had both parents around to spend time with.

I also think my interactions with boys/men were affected as I didn’t have a good male role model living at home. Then there’s my relationship with my dad which has only become easier/closer in more recent years. I feel very sad that we will never have the bond that I would have wanted to have with him and which I see between him and a half sibling who grew up in the same household.

@Blackopal

Reading this with interest as I am a divorced parent. So sorry to every one with hard stories on this thread.

Seems that the extra impact was caused by continued arguing and introduction of unsuitable step parents?

Are there any tips people would give to reduce impact on children?
Sorry hope its ok to ask, dont mean to derail etc.

Introduction of step parents is an interesting one. My mum had a string of relationships with terrible men which did make it even harder to rebuild my relationship with them as she was never alone (even knowing that we didn’t get along, she’d insist that they were always invited to everything). In contrast, both my brother and I have a good relationship with our step mum. Part of it is that she is a nice person and has now been around for about 15 years. But definitely a part of it was that my dad (who had primary custody of us both) committed to not moving in with anyone until my younger brother was 18. He said he wanted us to feel safe and settled in our home. So they spent several years just dating rather than rushing into blending our families. Despite my mum having numerous affairs and being the one to leave, my Dad was always careful not to insult her to us and made it so we felt we could have both parents together at all of our parties, school events, etc. I am sure this must have hurt him, especially as mum would always bring other men along, but he never let it show. I also know that she never paid maintenance and there were times Dad struggled for money, but he never let us see that worry. I think that children aren’t stupid, they see and recognise all of that and I know I appreciate my Dad so much more because of the way he handled it all.