If your parents divorced

[FallgriefsGirlfriendsCats]

Did it really ruin your childhood?

Yes.

Only because my father was (and still is by all accounts) an absolute c**t who's priorities were his gambling and his cigarettes. My siblings and I came way down the pecking order.
Every other weekend we were made to leave our happy home, with all our friends and toys and were made to go and stay with our father. Where we knew that unless we hid our pocket money and hid it well it would 'disappear' overnight. Usually because the f***g mice liked to 'play' with little boys and girls pocket money and would 'forget' where they had left it. I was 10 and knew exactly where it was going. And there wasn't a single mouse involved.

Party on 'his' weekend. Forget about it. Brownie church parade. Nope. Sleepover with friends. Hell no.

25 years NC.

I was 5 when my parents divorced and it didn’t ruin my life at all.

Thank you GordonYaSelfishTwit and IceCreamandcandyFloss

do joint events together so children don’t have to choose who they want there

I agree joint events such as parents evenings or plays or whatever but one thing I see on here which I always think would have confused me as a child is things like going on holidays together and Christmas's together etc... I needed a clear separation of certain things to avoid getting hopeful which would have been harder for me than learning to accept they weren't together.

Yes but more because they stayed together far too long, my father was violent and by the time they finally divorced my mother had a full on breakdown.

No best thing they ever did.

Nope - my dad was a dreamer who couldn't hold down a job or keep it in his pants - my mum wanted to go to night school to do sewing O level but every time she had a class he would be late - she finally kicked him out - we where poor but she managed to keep the house (mortgage) and went to night school - he left when I was 2 - she qualified as a teacher when I was 14 - my life was better even though we never saw him (he moved aboard)

I have a relationship with him now via FB and there is no animosity - but I am glad .

When he left we found out he hadn't paid the mortgage for almost a year - thankfully my grandfather bailed us out - but it would have been a life of poverty and uncertainty rather than the warm if poor life we had.

Mum never moved another man in - until I was 15 and she remarried when I was 18 and had left home .

I remember telling my Dad once when I got older to just shut up now about my Mum and her 'faults', I asked him to think about the fact that he quite clearly hated the person who was half of me, his daughter, a person who people regularly tell me, his daughter, that she reminds them of etc... and could he not see how that could be hurtful to me, his daughter?

He did actually take that on board finally.

No. They were happier and so was I.

Superherobirds
Thats really interesting, so your step mom is someone who is a positive person for you but you appreciate her not being pushed into the home with the kids?

I am almost three years on and have not dated and i just cant see involving my children in a relationship.

My ex and I make sure we do birthdays and Christmas and family days together and that seems to come up as a positive.

Having listened to all these stories the thing I could critique about my own arrangement is that we do bicker. Not arguments about anything real , what we would call jokey banter back and forth. However maybe that needs to be squashed as i wonder if my children experience it badly.

GordonYaSelfishTwit

Yes! i have wondered about the joint events, whether that is confusing or giving hope.
Also, found it difficult when my daughter asks why we split. I have never told her the truth and have presented it as we argued too much because i dont want to hurt her relationship with her dad.
Because i cant tell her the actual reasons she doesnt really understand the split, she sees us getting on now and thinks we can just get back together and not argue now.

@neroforte

my parents haven't divorced, but i would've been happier if they had.

same

No, i was only 4 so dont really remember any different.
I was really unsettled when my mum and stepdad split up when i was in my late teens though

Yes. The divorce itself would have been ok, but being moved to a completely different area and new schools was a disaster. Then moving step-parents into the family homes even more of a disaster. I think if you avoid doing either of those things and behave like adults divorce can be managed so it doesn't wreck things for the children.

It also depends on the ages of the children. For very young children who won't remember living with both parents, it is simply their normal and there is little problem. For older children it is far more disruptive and upsetting.

My parents are but I was an adult so no. I don't think it would have ruined my life if they'd divorced when i was a child/teen though as my dad wasn't a very involved parent

We have step siblings as a result of DFs affair with his now second wife. Divorce had a massive impact on us - brought up in poverty because he wouldnt pay maintenance and rarely visited. DM did her best but was bitter and prob depressed all her life - never met anyone else, as despite everything she still loved him. DF was a complete arse.
Still impacting us 50 years later with divided loyalties with stepsiblings (who gets invited to "family" events?) despite the fact both DPs have now died.

No I wished they did it years before.

Mine actually re-married a few years later which did impact my childhood as they divorced for a reason.

Parents divorced, dad left when I was 6 due to affair.

It didn't ruin my childhood or my life. Certainly there are bad points (mainly with him and his side of the family and some eating issues that stem from it).

There are always the what ifs... How life could have been different if they hadn't? Better or worse. We moved away from that town after which was the biggest change of all really.

Ultimately I have a wonderful stepfather, a good relationship with my mum and think my parents would have been so unhappy had they tried to make it work it would have had an impact.

Date without involving the children.

Never say anything bad about each other, don’t let them see any animosity.

Be civil and able to do joint events together so children don’t have to choose who they want there.

I agree with this absolutely.

No. My birth mother ruined my childhood on her own. My dad and (step)mum rebuilt it. If they'd stayed together for us kids all of our lives would have been so much worse.

Yes

Yep and for 3 friends too.

Currently 1 brother is divorced and his children are wayward now - division between them mean children play each off the other. Children have seen ex SIL take the family home, car and everything and their dad sofa surf but still pays the mortgage.... not a great way to behave and daughter has become very selfish (nurture or nature after mother?)

Depends on how the divorce was handled I imagine but a bitter one leaves no one affected

My parents needed to separate as they were toxic to each other however they both behaved awfully - bitching about each other / never had a nice thing to say about each other. Incapable of being mature or putting the children first. My mother then moved an arsehole in and married him despite the fact he didn’t get on with her children from day 1. It did ruin my life at that point and we now don’t really have much of a relationship- trust is gone.
I’ve seen parents separate and co parent amicably and it doesn’t have the same impact. In my opinion subsequent blending of families should wait until children have become adults in all but very exceptional circumstances.

Mine have divorced. I have absolutely no idea how it's affected by life, if indeed it has. I'd rather they divorced than spent a lifetime together resenting each other and being miserable.

@Blackopal

GordonYaSelfishTwit

Yes! i have wondered about the joint events, whether that is confusing or giving hope.
Also, found it difficult when my daughter asks why we split. I have never told her the truth and have presented it as we argued too much because i dont want to hurt her relationship with her dad.
Because i cant tell her the actual reasons she doesnt really understand the split, she sees us getting on now and thinks we can just get back together and not argue now.

I can see this completely. If parents are best buddies, spending loads of time together and even holidaying together, of course children will be confused and wonder why they can't just all live together and be a happy family.

I agree children shouldn't have the pressure of choosing who attends what, but most special occasions can be done twice, like birthdays and Christmases.

This is what we do with my SC. They celebrate birthday/Christmas with their mum and her family one day, then another one with DP and his family. Things like school plays and sports days DP & ex usually attend together if they're both available to go.