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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
WhatWouldPhyllisCraneDo · 08/04/2021 20:26

CMS are a total shit show. My ex has the DC for 0 nights (and 0 days since covid) but they still made a nil assessment.
I don't think there is anything you can do sadly :(

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 20:29

Is it really worth that for the sake of £7? I wouldn’t have emailed his family though, they are not responsible for paying his child support 🤦‍♀️

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 08/04/2021 20:30

If you restrict his access to 51 days or less you’ll only get £6 a week. Is it worth the stress and impact that would have on the kids?

TheMayQueen · 08/04/2021 20:30

Why did you email his family?!

Aprilx · 08/04/2021 20:32

I honestly do understand your frustration at him not supporting his children. But I think you were wrong to email his family, it is not their responsibility, I wouldn’t have replied to you at all if I were them.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2021 20:33

I certainly wouldn’t cut contact, children are not pay for view.

I disagree his family are responsible, they didn’t choose to have children.

Sadly you can’t force him to take any job just as he can’t force you to do something. Would he have them more so the food bills Etc are less. There’s no punishment for parents, resident or non resident, who don’t financially support their children themselves. If the rules were tougher, children would benefit so much more.

MorningNinja · 08/04/2021 20:36

Your gripes with him all seem to be pretty public. Whilst I think he should be looking for paid work, I don't think you're going the right way about it.

And please don't restrict his access to the DCs.

UhtredRagnarson · 08/04/2021 20:37

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families,

Shock

You did not??? I’m so embarrassed for you.

QueenArseClangers · 08/04/2021 20:38

He’d certainly have to find the money to support them if they lived with him.
Does he think they survive on fresh air and dandelions whilst they’re with you?

Sorry, that’s no help but he’s an arse (like a lot of these absent parents).

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 20:40

My didn’t pay for 3 years, I can’t ever imagine contacting his family telling them to pay

Soontobe60 · 08/04/2021 20:41

Using the children to get back at him is beyond abhorrent.
It’s not your place to send him job details, email his family to tell them your children are their responsibility or to restrict access to his children.

Viviennemary · 08/04/2021 20:42

There is nothing you can do. He has no money and isn't working. Just apply for benefits.

Aprilshowersandhail · 08/04/2021 20:42

The thing is op may have to seek financial help from her family. His family should be aware he is a financial abuser.. Not looking for work to see his dc do without. And likely because the gf is pissed he has to provide for the dc..

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/04/2021 20:46

He’s a disgrace and his girlfriend should be embarrassed to be with a man who has no interest in supporting his children. And his family should be ashamed of him - I don’t blame you for making it clear to them what kind of man he is. As a mother you will do anything to try and make sure your children are provided for so I don’t think you should feel embarrassed as a PP has so unkindly said.

How do your girls feel about him, what’s their relationship? I don’t buy the idea that maintenance is an entirely separate issue from contact. In some situations yes, but this is a parent who cares so little for them that he won’t prioritise earning money that he is capable of earning. To me that doesn’t tell me he is a good father who puts their interests first, so what else will he do to fail them? If he was doing his best and doing all that he could to be a responsible parent then of course he should still see them because it’s in their best interests, but that’s not the case here. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids off to someone who clearly doesn’t care if they don’t have a roof over their heads or food to eat. I would only be comfortable with them being cared for by someone who puts them first.

I hope you manage to get something sorted because sadly I don’t think you will get anywhere - when a man is a deadbeat dad he generally gets away with it sadly.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 08/04/2021 20:47

@Soontobe60

Using the children to get back at him is beyond abhorrent. It’s not your place to send him job details, email his family to tell them your children are their responsibility or to restrict access to his children.
And it’s not his place to shrug his shoulders and leave her to figure out how to feed their kids, but that hasn’t stopped him has it?
Original poster
kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:48

To clarify - the email to his family was to ask them to encourage him to find a job and act like a decent human being as he hardly has contact with them and they probably don't have a clue about the situation. I didn't ask them for money and if it was my son I'd kick his ass into gear to support his children.

Also the 51 days a year thing - I REEEEALLY don't want to restrict his access, but I feel pretty helpless right now and am desperate to get anything in to help pay the bills. I guess I'm angry and it's a knee jerk reaction so will defo think on this. Thanks for you advice about it!

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 20:52

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.

I don’t believe you didn’t ask them to pay, you say here you told the family they are as much their responsibility as yours and how you’re worried how you will survive, you may have not outright asked but you was certainly hinting

Enough4me · 08/04/2021 20:52

His decision not to work has consequences. Your twin DS are old enough to understand that now you have less money, as their dad doesn't pay maintenance, you will need to budget accordingly. That doesn't mean cutting essentials or being mean, but careful budgeting.

If they want extras they will need to ask both of you and go without if the money isn't available. He may feel more motivated to work if he cannot do things with DCs over spring/summer with things opening up.

If anything he should have them more - if you can increase your work to increase income?

FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 20:52

Op YABU. Make sure you are getting the right benefits if you are entitled. CMS are crap you will get something ridiculous like £7 a week. Don't stop contact they are not a weapon and don't write to his family it's childish.

Original poster
kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:55

@Happycat1212

Is it really worth that for the sake of £7? I wouldn’t have emailed his family though, they are not responsible for paying his child support 🤦‍♀️
I didn't ask them for money, just wanted to open their eyes to how irresponsible and selfish he is being. I wouldn't dream of asking them for money. I also wanted them to know the position I'm in - I don't hate them or anything, they were lovely to me when we were married, but I haven't had much contact since we split so wanted to convey my side of the situation to them.
OP posts:
Lorw · 08/04/2021 20:57

Why don’t you ask him for 50/50? So he has children more? I know it won’t be helpful with the bills side of thing but for the moment it may be the best you can get.

UhtredRagnarson · 08/04/2021 20:57

so I don’t think you should feel embarrassed as a PP has so unkindly said.

For telling people who had absolutely nothing to do with creating her children that they were responsible for them? Yes she should be embarrassed. The children are not her ex’s family’s responsibility as she so ridiculously informed them!

Original poster
kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:57

@UhtredRagnarson

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, Shock

You did not??? I’m so embarrassed for you.

Can you clarify why I should be embarassed...? I really don't understand why I should be as I was asking them to talk to their son and get him to man up.
OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 08/04/2021 20:59

Can you clarify why I should be embarassed...?

Certainly. This is why.

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 21:00

I don’t even think my children are my own families responsibility never mind my ex. I wouldn’t dream of even asking my only family to pay for my children.

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