Child maintenance and the ex

[kat5682]

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

Why are posters berating the OP for doing everything she can to support her children financially? Her ex, without discussion or her consent, has saddled her with all of the financial upkeep of his children and only 1 day in 7 of the childcare. That's frankly scandalous that he should be able to do this. Of course she shouldn't be expected to put up with this and I am frankly furious that anyone of you should expect her to.

Murmuring platitudes like 'kids aren't pay per view' is really unhelpful when you have no money and kids to feed. We should be offering the OP solutions not ghastly condemnatory nonsense. As women we should be really angry about this and demanding more of our government. The ex should be made to pay regardless of income and if he can't, mediation to work out a financial settlement. Still won't pay? Let's start getting tougher.

I'd want to know if my so wasn't paying for his kids - I'd be embarrassed as his mother should be. It means you haven't raised them right that they can think that they can walk away from their responsibilities.

How's he feeding himself if he's not bringing in any money? Where is he living?

I don't agree that CM should be based on what the NRP earns. It should be based on half the basic costs of raising a child. And they should owe that sum irrespective of whether they're earning or not. We should enforce it like the US do. No getting married again or driving a car if you owe child support.

Unfortunately that's not an option as he lives an hour away and the kids have school. I may try and get him to have them more though as it definitely helps my bank balance in terms of food etc... but there still this bit of me that is screaming noooooo! Luckily I recognise this as being a childish knee jerk reaction though, but hate that I'm even having to consider this at all as he's created the situation and I get less time with my kids if I do that :(

Her we go 🤦‍♀️ It’s always a woman’s fault, so it’s his MUMS fault that he isn’t paying, not his? Not his fathers? but the mums fault. 🙄

I'm with you op. Why is it solely your responsibility to provide for your children, which I have no doubt you would do a million times over for your children but shouldn't have to do. I would have let my mother in law know in your position too (probably not by email but face to face or over phone but it doesn't really matter how).

Does you ex provide items, like if they need new shoes he's get them? If so I'd pester him for every little item I could. I know it's not much but tbh I'd be petty, like they don't come home until they're fed and any child care or lifts etc.

Nice for the fucker to be able to take a break from working when it suits him with out any responsibilities 😤

I get that Happy - I should have said his parents fault! But I can't understand his family not wanting to step in - and support their own grandchildren.

And I would be embarrassed if DS behaved like this - it would reflect on me and I would be doing all I could to ensure he stepped up. So many families enable the NRP to shirk responsibility. And we will never solve child poverty in this country until feckless fathers have to support their kids financially.

but hate that I'm even having to consider this at all as he's created the situation and I get less time with my kids if I do that

I wouldn’t look at it that way I’d look at it as you’re getting more of a break and he’s having more hard work. I don’t think it’s fair if you’re paying for them fully and having them most of the time. I guess it depends on whether he’d want to have them more or not. If he wouldn’t want to have them more then I’d definitely bring it up with him but if he would then he might use that as an excuse to not get a job.

@AnneElliott

I'd want to know if my so wasn't paying for his kids - I'd be embarrassed as his mother should be. It means you haven't raised them right that they can think that they can walk away from their responsibilities.

How's he feeding himself if he's not bringing in any money? Where is he living?

I don't agree that CM should be based on what the NRP earns. It should be based on half the basic costs of raising a child. And they should owe that sum irrespective of whether they're earning or not. We should enforce it like the US do. No getting married again or driving a car if you owe child support.

Yikes you asked so excuse the imminent rant. He lives on a yard in north wales with his girlfriend and her daughter, their roughly 12 horses, 30 chickens and 2 dogs and they are both on jobseekers and universal credit. The animals are a higher priority than his children, and how the hell are they paying for the upkeep of all those animals?!!?!? OK rant wasn't that big... I managed to rein myself in

Nice for the fucker to be able to take a break from working when it suits him with out any responsibilities

I wonder what would happen if OP decided to take a break from her responsibilities and not pay or look after the DCs as well - she’d probably have them taken off her/be in jail. It is so unfair how men get away with it all of them time.

Well it’s funny as there was a thread on here literally days ago where a woman didn’t want to pay her husbands child maintenance yet was told but every poster she was not responsible and he was solely responsible for paying, now suddenly on this thread the wider family IS responsible and they should be stepping up and paying, you can’t make it up! MN at its finest. You have no idea about the families circumstances and if they can even afford to pay for children that they didn’t chose to have. The only people responsible are it’s two parents like it was said on the other thread.

Pffft

I'd write to his family EVERY month he didn't contribute saying

"Unfortunately your son has not been able to financially support his children again this month, it's now 6 months. And I wonder if it would be possible for you, their grandparents to have them for half term or a week in the holidays as I'm concerned he won't be able to feed them properly if he had them"

Shame, shame, shame the fucker.

Send it every month

@AnneElliott

I'd want to know if my so wasn't paying for his kids - I'd be embarrassed as his mother should be. It means you haven't raised them right that they can think that they can walk away from their responsibilities.

How's he feeding himself if he's not bringing in any money? Where is he living?

I don't agree that CM should be based on what the NRP earns. It should be based on half the basic costs of raising a child. And they should owe that sum irrespective of whether they're earning or not. We should enforce it like the US do. No getting married again or driving a car if you owe child support.

Should his dad not also be embarrassed?

I think RP's should share more with family and friends just how much the NRP isn't contributing to the care of their children, We hear of so many instances where the NRP contributes nothing but plays the Disney parent.

I know of at least one RP who approached the Ex MIL - Ex DH was lauding around the place about his forthcoming honeymoon to the Caribbean, but hadn't paid CM in months. She got paid the back CM and never had a problem after that. She didn't get on particularly well with the Ex MIL either, who saw it as her responsibility to make sure her grandchildren were cared for. And quite right too. NRP should be responsible for bringing up their children and that may mean taking a job that doesn't bring self fulfilment

You divorced him for many reasons. You cant force him to get a job, you cant control the situation. Take a breath and get on with your life. If maintenance comes great but plan doing without it. Keep contact just to texts about visitation and nothing else. Your better going grey rock for your own mental health.

His girlfriend being on benefits has nothing to do with it. I'm not even sure why they've told you her financial situation. His family have nothing to do with it and they might be in a difficult position of agreeing with you that he is being a rubbish dad but having to support their son so the email you got sounds like what I'd expect tbh, a polite sort of leave us out of it.

It is rubbish and unfair that he can choose not to earn. If he is on jobseekers then hopefully they will presure him to apply for jobs.

I'm pretty sure with Covid and living rurally in Wales he's not going to be pressured much by the job centre

Unfortunately OP there's not much you can do. If you cut back his access he could take you to court and he may be entitled to legal aid if he's on benefits.
Really not worth the hassle for all you will get off his benefits. Its about a fiver a week or less I think.
If he fought to have the children 50/50, he wouldn't have to pay you anything.

Do you have a court order for timeshare for the kids op? If not, and you tell him he can only have the kids 51 days a year, would he be likely to just keep them extra nights anyway? Or try and keep them for good trying to get csa from you causing you to get a court order to get them back? He sounds like an absolute prick and you absolutely shouldn’t be financially responsible for the kids by yourself but if he’s petty and there is no court order you might not be able to restrict his access to 51 days.

Yes Koala his dad also should be embarrassed- I said that in my second post.

I'm so frustrated with the (presumably) women on this thread who think the op should be kind, take the moral high ground and not rock the boat! Yes because that's what feeds the kids and ours clothes on their backs!

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

It’s depressing how many women on this thread are basically telling the OP to shut up and ‘be nice‘ about the fact her children’s father is totally shirking his responsibility to his children and leaving her to pick up the pieces and work out how to feed them. Women keeping quiet about their exes shitty behaviour in order to keep some apparent moral high ground only perpetuates the cycle of men being allowed to be shit dads and not held accountable. Women in this position absolutely SHOULD be shouting from the rooftops and letting everyone in the exes life know what a lousy father he is. Perhaps a bit more embarrassing of these cretins by women who are fed up of being sweet and quiet would encourage them to address their responsibilities.

I don’t keep quiet. Everyone knows how terrible a dad my ex is. Does it make ANY difference whatsoever? Nope. I did my shouting, and raging and anger and there’s actually so much of that you can do before it affects you negatively and you live in a spiral of anger and bitterness, when actually, learning to be more zen about his uselessness has meant I am a happier, more chilled parent to my child. Some of us are just giving that advice because she has done everything, and now there’s nothing else to do.

Also if he was finally ordered to pay you, they take into account any kids living with him so his gf’s daughter would get him a reduction, even if her dad pays maintenance! It’s a shit system

I do sympathise OP, my ex has been in and out of work since before COVID, plus several months of furlough. Even when in work his payments are sporadic. But the CMS are pretty useless at enforcing payments. There's no way I'd take pp's advice of rewarding his non support of ds with 50/50 care! (Not that it would be practical in my situation, but still..) Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much we can do about it, so for my own sake I've tried to make peace with it.

There's no point firing off angry emails to his parents though. They can't do anything, it sounds like OPs Ex is just useless and has decided to set up a business. Who know what doing - renting out horses?! So OP might as well try and stay calm, getting angry isn't going to make her ex any less useless.

Was he like this when you were together OP? If not maybe there is a chance he will change.

MN isn't a hive mind Happy. There are millions of posters with all different opinions.

And no his family don't have a legal responsibility but how can they see their own Grandchildren not having enough? I couldn't see my nieces or nephews or GC go without, so I find it difficult to understand how others can.

Do you work o/p?