Child maintenance and the ex

[kat5682]

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

@Happycat1212

I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.

I don’t believe you didn’t ask them to pay, you say here you told the family they are as much their responsibility as yours and how you’re worried how you will survive, you may have not outright asked but you was certainly hinting

Wow... If you like I'd be happy to send you a copy of the email!

I say this all the time on these threads but maintaining some dignity and the moral upper hand can be a useful tool - depending on the personalities involved. Having a screaming row on the doorstep (where were the kids when this was happening?), restricting access and contacting his family aren't going to be very helpful in trying to reason with him (if that's possible) and maintaining a positive relationship long term which is important for the DC. Can you make sure he's feeding and clothing them when they're with him and paying for a portion of the clubs or school activities maybe? Do his family see the DC? Would they want to? They might like to take them out for day trips or something? I know it doesn't pay the gas bill but maintaining good relationships can be beneficial.

Best of luck, it sounds like hard work.

If I behaved like that my mother would want to know about it. One of them should be embarrassed and it’s not OP.

Writing to his family was such a big no-no!!! Why on earth would you do that?

To humiliate him into paying you money he obviously doesn't have? To embarrass them into paying for his children?

Sorry, but you've done yourself no favours with that.

He sounds like a selfish tit but you're going to have to sort yourself out here. Stop expecting him to pay for anything. Sadly, it happens a lot more than you'd think.

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

He’s a disgrace and his girlfriend should be embarrassed to be with a man who has no interest in supporting his children. And his family should be ashamed of him - I don’t blame you for making it clear to them what kind of man he is. As a mother you will do anything to try and make sure your children are provided for so I don’t think you should feel embarrassed as a PP has so unkindly said.

How do your girls feel about him, what’s their relationship? I don’t buy the idea that maintenance is an entirely separate issue from contact. In some situations yes, but this is a parent who cares so little for them that he won’t prioritise earning money that he is capable of earning. To me that doesn’t tell me he is a good father who puts their interests first, so what else will he do to fail them? If he was doing his best and doing all that he could to be a responsible parent then of course he should still see them because it’s in their best interests, but that’s not the case here. I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kids off to someone who clearly doesn’t care if they don’t have a roof over their heads or food to eat. I would only be comfortable with them being cared for by someone who puts them first.

I hope you manage to get something sorted because sadly I don’t think you will get anywhere - when a man is a deadbeat dad he generally gets away with it sadly.

Thanks so much for your kind words - I'm so glad you understand my position as I'm not sure others see it this way. My twins love their dad and going to see him, but he's acting like a 'fun uncle' rather than their dad and it's so hard to see that when he's financially screwing them over.

Can he look after them more? So he's covering the cost of food/water/electricity etc while they are there?

@Lorw

Why don’t you ask him for 50/50? So he has children more? I know it won’t be helpful with the bills side of thing but for the moment it may be the best you can get.

Unfortunately he lives an hour away so it wouldn't work with school time etc.

Your children need to see their father, no matter how shitty he is regarding maintenance.
Your children are not pawns in your financial games.
It must be very frustrating, but, as long as you've gone down all the legal routes, there's not much else that you can do.

@MiddleParking

If I behaved like that my mother would want to know about it. One of them should be embarrassed and it’s not OP.

Exactly, I’d be ashamed of my son if he did this and would help out the mother of my grandchildren however I could.

Thank you both - that's what I intended by sending the email, not to ask for money

Why should the dad be allowed to get away with not paying for his own children, still seeing them but provide nothing for them. If this was my son, I'd want to know. It's shocking how many women on this thread are saying that OP has to figure things out herself and the dad can just swan in and out of his children's lives as he pleases.

@1Morewineplease

Your children need to see their father, no matter how shitty he is regarding maintenance. Your children are not pawns in your financial games. It must be very frustrating, but, as long as you've gone down all the legal routes, there's not much else that you can do.

"Financial games " Wtf? You mean feeding their children? Paying utility bills, buying school uniform? You think this is a game?

So sorry OP, what you're going through is quite common. You can pursue CMS but they rarely do much. There are some facebook groups with info on the best way to proceed via CMS in this situation. Even with support from experts it's often impossible to get dead beat Dads to step up.

@kat5682 it's not embarrassing to email his family they if decent people should be disgusted by his actions. I am sick to death of reading about dads who think it's funny to refuse or refuse CMS while the mother who juggles everything does it all!!
It's so frustrating for you but if it where me I'd be saying 50/50 care one week on one week off and it's his problem to get them to school etc on his weeks. Don't let him have an easy ride it takes two people to make a baby.
£7 a week isn't worth the effort so let him patent and feed and cloth on his weeks see if his sniggering girlfriend likes that

Apologies about grammar can see I was fuming 🙈

I think the only thing you can is see if he will have the children more eg half terms, bank holidays, summer etc to take some of the strain off you

@paisleydot

Why should the dad be allowed to get away with not paying for his own children, still seeing them but provide nothing for them. If this was my son, I'd want to know. It's shocking how many women on this thread are saying that OP has to figure things out herself and the dad can just swan in and out of his children's lives as he pleases.

Because we don’t have a law that says you can only have contact with your children if you are financially supporting them yourself. Given how many RP and NRP don’t, the system simply wouldn’t have enough foster care places.

It’s depressing how many women on this thread are basically telling the OP to shut up and ‘be nice‘ about the fact her children’s father is totally shirking his responsibility to his children and leaving her to pick up the pieces and work out how to feed them. Women keeping quiet about their exes shitty behaviour in order to keep some apparent moral high ground only perpetuates the cycle of men being allowed to be shit dads and not held accountable. Women in this position absolutely SHOULD be shouting from the rooftops and letting everyone in the exes life know what a lousy father he is. Perhaps a bit more embarrassing of these cretins by women who are fed up of being sweet and quiet would encourage them to address their responsibilities.

The trouble is if you want to link contact and maintenance does that mean if a father doesn’t want to see his kids he doesn’t have to pay for them? There’s a good reason why they are not linked

Thank you all for your messages. Some were perhaps a little harsh but it's good to see others points of view and how my actions could have been perceived so I will definitely think on your comments.

Its such a difficult situation to be in. My knee jerk reaction is f* you if you won't support them then bugger off - having grown up without a dad myself and seeing how difficult it was for my mum with no financial support its tough not to feel that, but seeing how much they love spending with their dad I can't and won't do that, even if it does feel like the only thing that I can control in this situation.

Again thank you all

I think it's disgusting the NR parent gets to shirk their financial responsibility to their dc when the RP has to pick up all the pieces and stresses that come with it.
Can you go 50:50 with him? System is absolutely awful.
I don't agree with your emailing his family but I understand why you did that. It's his responsibility and his alone to help finance raising his dc though. And unfortunately sounds like he doesn't care.

The trouble is there’s not much you can do. You can’t force him to take responsibility by emailing the family, and is it worth restricting access for the small amount you will get considering he’s on benefits?

We can rage, and we can be angry, but you’ve exhausted all the options - and gone further than I would. Are you claiming everything you can?

Listen I get it. I have never received anything from my daughters dad, and he occasionally has her as if it’s babysitting arrangement - and he moved forty minutes away to another town. I could spend my life being angry, and I’ve told him what I think about all those things, and it sucks - but there’s not anything else I can do, except just focus on me and my daughter and move on.

I completely get you OP but I’m not sure what you can do. If you let him see them less you’ll literally get a pittance and have to pay out for them more as you’ll have them more (you’ll also have him telling everyone how you’ve stopped him seeing them as he was made redundant etc). I feel like he’s getting an easy ride here he’s not paying for them or having them much. As he’s not working I’d be making him have them more often, he’ll soon find a job.

I think you’re justifiably angry, as yes fathers should see the urgency in getting a job to support kids, but he is trying something. You shouldn’t get his family involved. Can you manage without the maintenance?

@MayorGoodwaysChicken

It’s depressing how many women on this thread are basically telling the OP to shut up and ‘be nice‘ about the fact her children’s father is totally shirking his responsibility to his children and leaving her to pick up the pieces and work out how to feed them. Women keeping quiet about their exes shitty behaviour in order to keep some apparent moral high ground only perpetuates the cycle of men being allowed to be shit dads and not held accountable. Women in this position absolutely SHOULD be shouting from the rooftops and letting everyone in the exes life know what a lousy father he is. Perhaps a bit more embarrassing of these cretins by women who are fed up of being sweet and quiet would encourage them to address their responsibilities.

I agree. Why is it assumed that it is perfectly ok for non resident parents to opt in and out of financial responsibility?

[quote ivegotthisyeah]@kat5682 it's not embarrassing to email his family they if decent people should be disgusted by his actions. I am sick to death of reading about dads who think it's funny to refuse or refuse CMS while the mother who juggles everything does it all!!
It's so frustrating for you but if it where me I'd be saying 50/50 care one week on one week off and it's his problem to get them to school etc on his weeks. Don't let him have an easy ride it takes two people to make a baby.
£7 a week isn't worth the effort so let him patent and feed and cloth on his weeks see if his sniggering girlfriend likes that [/quote]
I agree with this too. Give it a try, maybe for a month or two. I’m also fuming on your behalf OP. He sounds like a useless piece of work, and I’m sorry you’re in this position.