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AIBU?

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Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 15:27

[quote Witchymclovely]@kat5682 reference CMS they’re talking about my Hs ExW I think, not you. 😉🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Ahh ok. So many messages so I got a bit confused there!

OP posts:
Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 15:31

I think we all agree that he does need to pay for his children. I think maybe we all agree involving the other relatives wasn’t so cool. Too some of us it’s the principle but others are left wondering how they will feed their children.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2021 15:31

I understand that you can't get blood out of a stone, but there needs to be some consequence
So OP, if you lose your job next month, and have to apply for benefits, what should be your consequences?

It's been 4 months not 4 years. Totally get the frustration but it is still a bit early to talk about losing driving licences.

Maybe he said he 2asbt looking for a job just to wind you up after your reaction.

Witchymclovely · 09/04/2021 15:32

@kat5682 they were coming thick and fast matie. Grin do you regret the email?!? Just interested.

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 15:34

get the frustration but it is still a bit early to talk about losing driving licences.

So the guy loses his job and also his driving license. How does this help him to help himself, or his kids, in any way?!

SweetToffee · 09/04/2021 15:36

He’s an adult l, so why are you telling his family your worried about his lack of work. Finding his vacancies isn’t up to you. As frustrating as he is being it’s not up to you to find him work. Sort out child support through the appropriate channels .

BertNErnie · 09/04/2021 15:37

I think you are quite right in expecting your ex to contribute financially to raising his children.

What I think you need to do now, however is to focus on if the money you have coming in covers everything they (and you) need and if not, what you can cut back on. Unfortunately I doubt there is anything you can do to force him to pay so in the immediate sense, focusing on what you have coming in without his contribution and your outgoings might be a good start.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/04/2021 15:41

You can take him to court. I did with my ex and got a court order on top of what CMS said.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 15:44

@dontdisturbmenow

I think because he’s not trying to rectify it - the OP says he’s trying to restart something he already failed in and isn’t applying for any other job How could OP possibly know that? Considering her behaviour, I very much doubt he feels open to telling her the detail of his job search or his business plan.
Considering what behaviour?
Forthisisnt · 09/04/2021 15:45

I don’t think the government is doing it’s job if 1/3 of men don’t pay up.

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/child-maintenance-abuse-single-parents-b466480.html

That’s aside from the abusive nature of some of this...

Forthisisnt · 09/04/2021 15:48

Oh - apparently @mumsnet is already campaigning on this. (According to that article). MN can you confirm and tell us mners how we might help??

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 15:48

@dontdisturbmenow

I understand that you can't get blood out of a stone, but there needs to be some consequence So OP, if you lose your job next month, and have to apply for benefits, what should be your consequences?

It's been 4 months not 4 years. Totally get the frustration but it is still a bit early to talk about losing driving licences.

Maybe he said he 2asbt looking for a job just to wind you up after your reaction.

Maybe he said he 2asbt looking for a job just to wind you up after your reaction.

Yes OP, when he said he’d no longer be paying for the lives of his own children you should have jumped for joy. You should have congratulated him for chasing his dreams instead of worrying about feeding your children.

Givemeabreak88 · 09/04/2021 19:12

YABU

Hhusky · 09/04/2021 20:40

@pumperthepumper no I didn't say that at all. What I have said is her reaction was not reasonable. In fact I stated that I totally agree he should find a job, he should contribute but what will getting angry achieve right now? He's on bloody benefits he's not sitting on a beach in Barbados sipping champagne. Don't get me wrong he sounds like he's being a deadbeat but arguing on the doorstep won't help her or the kids... Not to mention we don't have his side of the story. We don't know what's going on right now that he doesn't have a job.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 20:51

@Hhusky

Restricting his access to his DC is NOT acceptable. Seriously. Yes he needs to find a job, yes he needs to make money and support them but it's not fair to decide to restrict his access over a bit of money. To be honest it sounds like you're pissed off because you can't control him. If you restrict your children's access to their dad now they will one day resent you for it. Pull up your big girl pants for now and get on with it.
This was your post @Hhusky when you accused the OP of being ‘pissed off because you can’t control him’.

It’s garbage, and you said it to make her feel shit. It’s his responsibility to pay for his own children, it’s got nothing to do with control. Or big girl pants.

Hhusky · 09/04/2021 21:17

@pumperthepumper No I said that because that's how it sounded to me. When she presented with a list of vacancies, and then started shouting when he wouldn't go for it. If a man did that to a woman we would see contol. If someone spoke to me like that I would certainly think they're trying to control me. Look, we aren't going to agree here and I'm not here to fight with you. This is an open thread where posters are willingly putting themselves open to being called unreasonable. I shared my thoughts and you shared yours.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 21:20

[quote Hhusky]@pumperthepumper No I said that because that's how it sounded to me. When she presented with a list of vacancies, and then started shouting when he wouldn't go for it. If a man did that to a woman we would see contol. If someone spoke to me like that I would certainly think they're trying to control me. Look, we aren't going to agree here and I'm not here to fight with you. This is an open thread where posters are willingly putting themselves open to being called unreasonable. I shared my thoughts and you shared yours.[/quote]
And then you tagged me to have a go.

if a man did that to a woman - if a man got pissed off that a woman was leaving her kids, spending minimum time with them and refusing to contribute anything to raising them? Oh yes, the father would definitely be called ‘controlling’ under those circumstances, sure.

ConsuelaHammock · 09/04/2021 21:33

I’d let him have them 50% of the time.

Blueskytoday06 · 10/04/2021 06:40

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that he's not going to contribute financially. You are better placed, redirecting your efforts towards looking after your kids and living your life without him in it.

StoneColdBitch · 10/04/2021 09:37

How is the NRP losing their driving licence going to help them find work so they can pay maintenance?! Terrible idea IMO.

LucieStar · 10/04/2021 11:12

@StoneColdBitch

How is the NRP losing their driving licence going to help them find work so they can pay maintenance?! Terrible idea IMO.

Absolutely

Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2021 11:22

@StoneColdBitch

How is the NRP losing their driving licence going to help them find work so they can pay maintenance?! Terrible idea IMO.
I don’t know anything about this but I’d imagine it’s a thread to incentivise them to support their children as quickly as possible.
Pumperthepumper · 10/04/2021 11:24

In 2000, the state of Tennessee revoked the driver's licenses of 1,372 people who collectively owed more than $13 million in child support.[106] In Texas non-custodial parents behind more than three months in child-support payments can have court-ordered payments deducted from their wages, can have federal income tax refund checks, lottery winnings, or other money that may be due from state or federal sources intercepted by child support enforcement agencies, can have licenses (including hunting and fishing licenses) suspended, and a judge may sentence a nonpaying parent to jail and enter a judgment for past due child support.[107] Some have taken the view that such penalties are unconstitutional. On September 4, 1998, the Supreme Court of Alaska upheld a law allowing state agencies to revoke driver's licenses of parents seriously delinquent in child support obligations.[citation needed] And in the case of United States of America v. Sage, U.S. Court of Appeals (2nd Cir., 1996), the court upheld the constitutionality of a law allowing federal fines and up to two years imprisonment for a person willfully failing to pay more than $5,000 in child support over a year or more when said child resides in a different state from that of the non-custodial parent.[108]

From Wikipedia.

ginandvomit · 12/04/2021 08:49

It's very sad all these posters enabling such dreadful behaviour. This is how they continue to get away with it. If you ex's parents have any backbone they will be giving him the kick up the ass he deserves. I bet he's not going without? He needs to prioritise and put his children's needs first.

BigPaperBag · 12/04/2021 10:29

I sympathise @kat5682 but there’s nothing you can do. I had all this with my ex. When they don’t want to pay and go ‘self employed’ you’re up shit creek really. Tbh, the SE thing is a red herring anyway as he may put the business in his girlfriend’s name or take a minimum amount and take the rest as dividends so there’s no guarantee that you’ll even get anything anyway. Sorry you’re going through this Flowers

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