Child maintenance and the ex

[kat5682]

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

Don't get why op got some hate and was tarred as money grabbing ?

Being a good parent is spending time with the kids and supporting them financially.

He has them once a week and contributes nothing to the rest of the time ? He has a responsibility and should get a job - any job to pay for his children...

Basic common sense but as others have said you can't force him to do anything op - you aren't money grabbing and sending the email to the family is obviously an act of desperation - their response is also fair enough because they can't force him to do anything either :(

I hope he sorts himself out for the sake of the kids

@gallileofigaro

Put your children at the centre. You sound obsessed and money grabbing tbh and I say that as someone who has been in a similar position to yours. Contact and maintenance are two entirely separate issues.

WTF?

OP, here’s my advice: also stop paying for your own children. Only see them 52 days out of the year. That’s absolutely fair.

I can't believe so many on here are fine with dead beat dads who don't pay towards the upbringing of their child. If the resident parent looses their job they can't just say oh well mortgage won't get paid and stop feeding their children. Guess some hold men to much lower standards. Probably why they get away with it.

Wishitsnows no they would get benefits for their children 🤦‍♀️

@Happycat1212

Wishitsnows no they would get benefits for their children 🤦‍♀️

See OP? Send them off to live on the farm with their dad in Wales, they’ll be happy as Larry and you won’t have to contribute a single penny towards their keep, only see them 51 days out of the year and that’s absolutely fine.

That’s the best solution here, I think. He gets to be the RP and claim benefits AND raise his children.

@Happycat1212

Well it’s funny as there was a thread on here literally days ago where a woman didn’t want to pay her husbands child maintenance yet was told but every poster she was not responsible and he was solely responsible for paying, now suddenly on this thread the wider family IS responsible and they should be stepping up and paying, you can’t make it up! MN at its finest. You have no idea about the families circumstances and if they can even afford to pay for children that they didn’t chose to have. The only people responsible are it’s two parents like it was said on the other thread.

Could you please quote where the same posters have given opposite advice to the two OPs?

Could you please quote where the same posters have given opposite advice to the two OPs?

Orrrrr maybe the posters who have commented on this thread could answer if they feel a step mum is responsible for paying their partners child support? Which they will say no. Only he is. So same applies for his family.

Please do NOT use the children like that! The better solution wound actually be for him to have the children more, not less. It is good he has offered/asked for half term. If not paying CM he can have them 50:50, but betting you won’t “allow” that and actually just want money 🤷‍♀️

Happycat1212 Ah, so you haven't actually seen any contradictions. Thought so.

@toobusytothink

Please do NOT use the children like that! The better solution wound actually be for him to have the children more, not less. It is good he has offered/asked for half term. If not paying CM he can have them 50:50, but betting you won’t “allow” that and actually just want money 🤷‍♀️

The OP’s already said they can’t do 50/50 because the dad moved over an hour away from their school.

BUT he could get RP and move them schools AND claim benefits AND raise his own children on his farm! There’s literally no down side, the OP wouldn’t have to pay anything AND she’d only have to see her own children 52 days a year.

Well I can’t quote it because it’s been removed! But yes I’ve seen the same posters on here saying different things on the other thread.

@toobusytothink

Please do NOT use the children like that! The better solution wound actually be for him to have the children more, not less. It is good he has offered/asked for half term. If not paying CM he can have them 50:50, but betting you won’t “allow” that and actually just want money 🤷‍♀️

@toobusytothink - If you look at the comments I made after the original one I've said I won't do that, that its a knee jerk reaction, and that I've agreed with some of the comments saying he should have them more as his contribution towards them. Unfortunately we can't do 50/50 as he lives an hour away and therefore it wouldn't work around school (also mentioned earlier). And yes this is partly about money so that I can make sure that they get everything they need, but the bigger issue is the example he is setting his children and how selfish he is being by not even attempting to financially support them.

@Happycat1212

Well I can’t quote it because it’s been removed! But yes I’ve seen the same posters on here saying different things on the other thread.

Someone else said this the other day and their proof had also been deleted!

What a weird coincidence.

Ok - glad you’re not going to restrict access. He is being a knob if refusing to look for a job. Nothing you can really do about it but it is sad he doesn’t want to work and contribute to his children. Agree - poor attitude and example!

@Soontobe60

Using the children to get back at him is beyond abhorrent. It’s not your place to send him job details, email his family to tell them your children are their responsibility or to restrict access to his children.

I'd say leaving his own children to survive on nothing is pretty abhorrent!! They could be going hungry for all he knows.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4212521-Am-I-being-unreasonable-not-wanting-to-pay-my-new-husbands-child-maintenance?pg=20

Well it was 🤦‍♀️ Sorry that I didn’t save all the quotes in advance just in case this thread popped up a few days later though 😂🤣

I also love on these threads how we’ve got to pretend that money isn’t important when raising children.

Like the school uniform, shoes, food can all be somehow cobbled together out of curtains or something and anything else is just greed. Expecting their actual father to contribute money is grabby.

The argument that “well it wasn’t the same posters who said contradictory threads” is pathetic.

Fact is that there are contradictory threads on the same platform therefore, although it might not be the same usernames, mn’ers are saying in one place that a step parent is responsible for the child maintenance, and in another they’re saying that his family (which essentially amounts to the same thing) are not. Ergo, people have differing opinions based on which day the same situation is posted.

@Happycat1212

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4212521-Am-I-being-unreasonable-not-wanting-to-pay-my-new-husbands-child-maintenance?pg=20

Well it was 🤦‍♀️ Sorry that I didn’t save all the quotes in advance just in case this thread popped up a few days later though 😂🤣

Can you tag the posters we’re looking out for who give conflicting advice?

HeartsAndClubs

Exactly, that was
My point, the thread went on for 20+ pages I don’t believe for one second none of the posters on here were on that thread 😂 I recognise some of the posters but like I said they can come forward themselves

@Happycat1212

HeartsAndClubs

Exactly, that was
My point, the thread went on for 20+ pages I don’t believe for one second none of the posters on here were on that thread 😂 I recognise some of the posters but like I said they can come forward themselves

Why would they? Tag them! Don’t be a coward!

Send the kids round more and stick with it,3/4 nights a week that means his girlfriend won't be so cocky when she has to feed them when she is the only one paying. If your twins ask for anything ask them to ask their dad, and check Company's House regularly to see if he registers his business through them. If he is fit and well I imagine the DWP will not allow him to sit on his arse taking the piss. He will have to meet and fulfil criteria to remain on any benefits or they will be stopped.

@kat5682 Don't be embarrassed. When my uncle dad found out his brother was not paying CS, he told him he was an embarrassment to the family, so to ensure he's not being a shit, pay it to him and he'll pass it on.
He did exactly that, until the children were of age. That is what family members who love their nieces /extended family do - hold assholes to account, instead of pretending everything is not their business

**I also love on these threads how we’ve got to pretend that money isn’t important when raising children.

Like the school uniform, shoes, food can all be somehow cobbled together out of curtains or something and anything else is just greed. Expecting their actual father to contribute money is grabby.**

^This 100%. Because talking about fathers contributing financially is apparently ‘money grabbing’.

@nickymanchester

Every week on mumsnet there is some shit bloke who has got around the system by going self-employed, moved house, yet has plenty of cash - and a single mother trying to feed her children from a food bank with insufficient childcare to work more hours.

Of course there are. Has anybody tried to say that this doesn't happen?

But, from the CMS figures, it would seem that for every NRP that doesn't pay there are nine NRPs that do pay.

How many women are going to come on here and post that their exH is paying their cm every week/month and everything is going fine? What would be the point of posting just to say that your life is going fine?

It's those who are having problems that will post here for help and/or to vent.

Are these blokes arseholes? Yes. Are all men like this? Nine out of ten aren't.

Are there consequences for non payment of child support??

Yes.

The figures are all available from the government website here:-

Child Maintenance Service statistics: data to September 2020

If NRPs don't pay then the CMS will make a deduction from earnings order (DEO) or a lump sum deduction order to remove money from a bank account.

The figures for 2020 are not complete and, in any event, due to the Coronavirus outbreak, during the quarter ending June 2020, the CMS suspended new enforcement action so you can't really compare the figures.

But, in 2018 there were 2,200 Lump Sum Deduction Orders which collected a total of £4.1 million (an average of £1,860 each). The same figures for 2019 were 2,800 orders and a total of £6 million collected (an average of £2,140 each). That's straight out of the bank accounts of NRPs.

Then, when it comes to DEOs, at the end of 2019 there were 50,200 people subject to DEOs of whom 41,100 (82%) were compliant and paying £110 million per year.

Going further, when it comes to liability orders, over 10,000 were granted in 2019 and 8,800 cases were referred to enforcement agents. Between these two they brought in £7.8 million of payments.

Then when it comes to going to court they only have the figures for the last 6 months of 2019.

During that time - just six months - there were 197 suspended prison sentences made (where the NRP was told that if they did not pay then they would go to prison).

There were also 6 cases of people actually going to prison for not paying.

There were also 4 suspended passport confiscations and 4 suspended disqualifications from driving. There were also 3 immediate passport confiscations.

So, yes, NRPs really do go to prison for not paying. Six NRPs went to prison over the course of six months for not paying. It really does happen.

How many of those 9/10 are only paying £7 a week? And how many of those are getting paid minimally through the books and huge bonuses that are not included in the calculation?