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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child maintenance and the ex

279 replies

kat5682 · 08/04/2021 20:21

A common story of woe i'm sure but I need some advice!

The ex was made redundant in the middle of September - he knew it was happening in August but they were furloughing him until then.
He tells me he'll give me what he can towards our 11 year old twins support so I get a bit in October and then a bit less in November and then nothing. He refused to talk about it via text (infuriating) so we had a big barney on the doorstep as he refused to talk to me. He reveals that he's not actually looking for a job and is trying to set up his web design business instead - he tried this when we were married and it was a disaster. I asked him to try and get some sort of job to support the kids - e.g. I found 12 pages of delivery driver jobs online in his area - but he refused to do anything. I even wrote a big long email to his family explaining the kids are as much their responsibility as they are my families, how I was terrified about how I'll survive etc. and their reply was 'we're confident he's looking to resolve the situation'.
I've been raging ever since and have refused to talk to him except about when he's having the kids.

At the end of the doorstop barney his girlfriend (who was sniggering next to him the entire time) said we'll have to go through the child maintenance service then. So I did, and CMA said that as he has them more than 52 days a year he doesn't need to contribute because he's on benefits.

He asked about a week ago if he could have them for May half term as his parents are visiting and I said we'd have to wait and see where Covid rules are up to as it's 2 months away.

Tonight I asked him if he had any plans to send support as it's been 5 months now and he's said I know the CMAs decision and he's looked after the kids when I've asked. I replied saying I don't need him to do that as I now permanently work from home and its so they can spend time with their father. CMA also only review decisions every 12 months so until he submits his tax documents in April next year as he's now self employed I won't get any support for 12 MONTHS minimum.

Now you've read the drama show - a question - is there anything I can do?!
The only thing I can think of is to restrict the time he has them to 51 days a year only so CMA can send me some support from his benefits but thats rubbish putting the kids in the middle and it's the last thing I want to do. HELP!?

OP posts:
MayorGoodwaysChicken · 09/04/2021 11:37

I said the OP did the right thing emailing his family. Not because I believe they will or should pay anything - of course it isn’t their responsibility. But she’s right to shame and embarrass him and make clear to his family what a shit he is. So I don’t think people area being contradictory. I also don’t believe the person in the other thread should pay, only the two parents are responsible in ALL situations. Doesn’t mean the Op should keep quiet and smile sweetly and allow her ex to look like a good dad to his family! No contradiction at all.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 09/04/2021 11:37

And the OP was clear that she didn’t ask for money from his family, she was just letting them know that he’s shirking his responsibilities.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 11:42

@Mittens030869

**I also love on these threads how we’ve got to pretend that money isn’t important when raising children.

Like the school uniform, shoes, food can all be somehow cobbled together out of curtains or something and anything else is just greed. Expecting their actual father to contribute money is grabby.**

^This 100%. Because talking about fathers contributing financially is apparently ‘money grabbing’. Confused

And that grabby-ness is based on the absolute fortune of £7 per week.

I mean, I’d say my kids are fairly average and there’s a solid chance they’ve eaten more than £7 of food this morning alone.

Happycat1212 · 09/04/2021 11:42

MayorGoodwaysChicken but she said they are just as responsible for the children. And maybe you haven’t but people on this thread have said that the parents should pay.

FortniteBoysMum · 09/04/2021 11:46

Not true if his income has increased by 25% or more you can request a review as legally it should be reported. I would contact cms again to see if now his earning should it be reviewed.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 09/04/2021 11:49

@gallileofigaro

Put your children at the centre. You sound obsessed and money grabbing tbh and I say that as someone who has been in a similar position to yours. Contact and maintenance are two entirely separate issues.
Oh shut up, she is bringing up twins on her own worrying about bills and you call her money grabbing, Hmm
Mittens030869 · 09/04/2021 11:50

I don’t think they’ve actually said that parents should pay themselves, but that they should put pressure on the dad to do so. One poster said that she would pay herself in those circumstances, as she wouldn’t want her nieces and nephews or DGC going without. (Which is what I would want to do as well.)

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 09/04/2021 11:52

@HeartsAndClubs

The argument that “well it wasn’t the same posters who said contradictory threads” is pathetic.

Fact is that there are contradictory threads on the same platform therefore, although it might not be the same usernames, mn’ers are saying in one place that a step parent is responsible for the child maintenance, and in another they’re saying that his family (which essentially amounts to the same thing) are not. Ergo, people have differing opinions based on which day the same situation is posted.

Er, no, that doesn't follow at all. Different people have different opinions, not the same people having different opinions on different days.
HughGrantsHair · 09/04/2021 11:52

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I certainly wouldn’t cut contact, children are not pay for view.

I disagree his family are responsible, they didn’t choose to have children.

Sadly you can’t force him to take any job just as he can’t force you to do something. Would he have them more so the food bills Etc are less. There’s no punishment for parents, resident or non resident, who don’t financially support their children themselves. If the rules were tougher, children would benefit so much more.

There is punishment for resident parents. After a certain age of their child/ren, they are forced to find paid employment. Unlike the PPs ex and so many other non resident parents who decide they aren't going to work and provide for their children while the resident parents and children take the hit.

I absolutely see your frustration OP but there's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. Only do what you can to support your children and hold your head up high. I believe you would be unreasonable to cut contact for the sake of £6 a week. Realistically it's not going to help with the bills.

And I'm laughing at all the suggestions of "get your ex to do 50/50 contact". This is a man who will happily not get a job to provide for his children and you expect him to want to look after them and provide for them 50% of the time Confused

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 09/04/2021 11:54

And I'm laughing at all the suggestions of "get your ex to do 50/50 contact". This is a man who will happily not get a job to provide for his children and you expect him to want to look after them and provide for them 50% of the time confused

And who on earth wants their children in the "care" of someone who doesn't care if they have food, heating, or a roof over their heads?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/04/2021 11:55

But, from the CMS figures, it would seem that for every NRP that doesn't pay there are nine NRPs that do pay

That’s higher than I thought it would be.

I wonder how it compares to resident parents, would it be the same in 9/10 financially supporting their children themselves?

The whole system needs an overhaul. More personal responsibility and far more penalties for opting out of financially providing for children. It’s far too easy to not pay and although some measures are taken it’s not very many vs the number of parents who aren’t paying for their children.

Mittens030869 · 09/04/2021 11:55

The OP has also said that it isn’t feasible for her ex to have 50:50 contact time, as her DC are school age and he lives too far away.

HughGrantsHair · 09/04/2021 11:58

Absolutely.

HughGrantsHair · 09/04/2021 11:58

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

And I'm laughing at all the suggestions of "get your ex to do 50/50 contact". This is a man who will happily not get a job to provide for his children and you expect him to want to look after them and provide for them 50% of the time confused

And who on earth wants their children in the "care" of someone who doesn't care if they have food, heating, or a roof over their heads?

My absolutely was in response to this ...
Loveacoseynightin · 09/04/2021 12:05

This is the issue what is a fair amount for bringing up a child?

As I've stated before if you have 2 children 1 boy 1 girl surely the housing costs would be the same for both parents?

I do think it is greed as if living together the children wouldn't get say 20 percent of a NRP wage. It is madness.

I bet more NRP would see their children more if access and money were not intertwined. You can only have them 51 nights of the year

Original poster
kat5682 · 09/04/2021 12:06

@Happycat1212

MayorGoodwaysChicken but she said they are just as responsible for the children. And maybe you haven’t but people on this thread have said that the parents should pay.
@Happycat1212 To give a bit more context to the email - during the doorstep argument he said that my mum can help me out financially if I need money - effectively shirking his responsibility and placing it on my mum. My email to his parents said that the grandchildren are just as much their responsibility as it is my mums. My mum doesn't have any legal responsibility to support them and the same goes for them. What I was trying to convey to them was that his side of the family are as much responsible as my side of the family, not legally but morally. And to make it 100% clear I did NOT ask them for money, I asked them to get HIM to take responsibility for raising and providing for his children and to make them aware of what he's doing as he has little contact with them and I have zero doubts he is being cowardly and not telling them. Pretty sure this message will cause some more comments - I'm happy to read them otherwise I wouldn't post or reply, but please don't be nasty - I'm at the end of my rope at the moment and struggling as it is.
OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 12:08

@Loveacoseynightin

This is the issue what is a fair amount for bringing up a child?

As I've stated before if you have 2 children 1 boy 1 girl surely the housing costs would be the same for both parents?

I do think it is greed as if living together the children wouldn't get say 20 percent of a NRP wage. It is madness.

I bet more NRP would see their children more if access and money were not intertwined. You can only have them 51 nights of the year

I don’t understand this - you think if the whole family (two parents, two kids) lived together it wouldn’t cost 20% of one salary to raise them?
Brefugee · 09/04/2021 12:08

but there still this bit of me that is screaming noooooo! Luckily I recognise this as being a childish knee jerk reaction though, but hate that I'm even having to consider this at all as he's created the situation and I get less time with my kids if I do that

They are his children too. How about he takes 50% of the time/responsibility and you both work from there. He can take them too and from school and feed/clothe/entertain them for 50% of the time. Or do you want to restrict his access to punish him for losing his job and deciding to try something different? (I agree that he should be looking for jobs though, but it is what it is)

Writing to his family, though? that's a bit rubbish

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 12:10

@Brefugee

but there still this bit of me that is screaming noooooo! Luckily I recognise this as being a childish knee jerk reaction though, but hate that I'm even having to consider this at all as he's created the situation and I get less time with my kids if I do that

They are his children too. How about he takes 50% of the time/responsibility and you both work from there. He can take them too and from school and feed/clothe/entertain them for 50% of the time. Or do you want to restrict his access to punish him for losing his job and deciding to try something different? (I agree that he should be looking for jobs though, but it is what it is)

Writing to his family, though? that's a bit rubbish

Do you want to read the thread before having a pop at the OP?
Loveacoseynightin · 09/04/2021 12:33

@Pumperthepumper

If both housing costs are roughly the same 3 bed house , council tax , gas/electricity, etc then no I don't think an extra 20% would be spent over a month.

This is why I think housing costs should be taken out because you in theory would have the same housing costs. Then it becomes about the rest

LemonTT · 09/04/2021 12:36

There is of course a debate to be had about parenting and responsibility.

But the OP situation hers alone. Personally I don’t think she has achieved what she set out to achieve. It’s not even clear what that was. Which is fine if she didn’t also create more problems than were there before. The letter will have deepened or opened a rift with her children’s grandparents. The argument and the tension will have been noticed by the children. It does not matter that they were indoors. Voices carry and everyone recalls overhearing parents arguing and it’s something you don’t forget. The OP sounds more not less frustrated with the situation.

I know a lot of people on MN advocate anger as a way of responding to feckless ex’s. But angry people are generally counterproductive and are not pleasant to be around.

I can sympathise with the OPs financial situation and agree the father is to blame for it. But I think her behaviour is wrong and causing more problems than less for her children. It’s not good enough to say it makes her feel better and I doubt that was the case either.

Pumperthepumper · 09/04/2021 12:37

[quote Loveacoseynightin]@Pumperthepumper

If both housing costs are roughly the same 3 bed house , council tax , gas/electricity, etc then no I don't think an extra 20% would be spent over a month.

This is why I think housing costs should be taken out because you in theory would have the same housing costs. Then it becomes about the rest[/quote]
I’m still not following this - the housing costs will increase with the number of people who live in the house. So if the OP has two children in her house, she’ll pay more for heating, hot water etc. that their father will when they’re not with him.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2021 12:45

What we know is that he was made redundant, he didn't just pack in his job. Despite being redundant in September, he paid something in October and November, so likely out if his redundancy money. As far as we know, as I'm sure OP would have otherwise stated, he paid maintenance every month before.

So it's been 4 months now. We know he is setting up his own business. What we don't is what effort he has out towards getting another job too, or how far along he is with his business.

Maybe he's spied to a number if jobs and not been successful. Or maybe all the efforts he put into his business will pay up next month and he'll be able to start paying maintenance again.

Ultimately, you can't get money out if an who is our if a job. What he should be judged on is the efforts or lack of he is putting into earning an income again, which we don't know and neither will OP.

emilyfrost · 09/04/2021 12:53

YABU. The kids are not your mums responsibility, nor his parents responsibility. He’s a grown adult; how he behaves is nothing to do with his parents and it was out of order for you to contact them.

You can’t limit his contact; that’s not up to you. You say it was a knee jerk reaction but the fact you even thought it says a lot; children aren’t pay per view and you shouldn’t be putting them in the middle like you are.

LucieStar · 09/04/2021 13:14

@dontdisturbmenow

What we know is that he was made redundant, he didn't just pack in his job. Despite being redundant in September, he paid something in October and November, so likely out if his redundancy money. As far as we know, as I'm sure OP would have otherwise stated, he paid maintenance every month before.

So it's been 4 months now. We know he is setting up his own business. What we don't is what effort he has out towards getting another job too, or how far along he is with his business.

Maybe he's spied to a number if jobs and not been successful. Or maybe all the efforts he put into his business will pay up next month and he'll be able to start paying maintenance again.

Ultimately, you can't get money out if an who is our if a job. What he should be judged on is the efforts or lack of he is putting into earning an income again, which we don't know and neither will OP.

Agree with this. He didn't pack his job in for the hell of it, he was made redundant. I'd be approaching it with a little more understanding of that fact if it were me.

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