Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

[AdifferentGoat]

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on.
He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

Have you had a conversation with him about this?

Oof. Until now I thought he was (mostly) foolish and bad at prioritising and managing his time, but his comments about you knowing too many so-called average people, unlike him who has “made it”, make him sound unpleasant and deluded. Frankly, if he insists on seeing things in terms of “making it”, then by his definition he hasn’t made it, because people who run highly successful companies employ managers and none of them are firing off emails at midnight.

I’m really sorry that it was so ineffectual when you tried couples counselling. When I did it with my workaholic husband, the counsellor was visibly aghast at his working habits and told him very clearly that he was endangering both the relationship and his health. No offence to any Americans here, but I wonder if the fact that your therapist reacted differently is because that kind of excessive work culture is so much more common/accepted over there? (Even though it’s definitely becoming more common in the UK). I would research further and try to find one who would provide balance. You shouldn’t be undervalued because you’re not the higher earner, that’s ridiculous. And the baby, and therefore its parents relationship, should be coming first.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of DBT, OP, but there’s a format called a DEAR MAN which helps you to collect your thoughts and communicate effectively (and advice on how to get past smoke screens from the other person. Eg- be a broken record sticking to your point). I really recommend looking that up online as it might help you to get him to listen if you don’t go down the couples therapy route.

@ElysiumFeels

I think he's my boss.

If so, it appears to me that you deserve the lifetime achievement award that he assumes is already his.

He's only just trotted into the bedroom. Baby is finally sleeping. I made the grave error of mentioning how tired I am. A swift nod from him followed by a ' DW I am exhausted. It's just madness. I need to be up in four hours. The end is in sight. Just another few weeks to blaze through.'

The end is in sight.. Can you elaborate?

Keep writing OP and don't apologise for it. It helps that you write so well and with such humour, it is to your credit that you can do so when I personally would have used the opportunity of the retreat to the woods to pack a shovel and a body bag.....

I think in addition to his personality, you are also confronting a culture gap in terms of attitude to work and success (overgeneralising but US vs Europe). In his frame of reference, he is doing the right and expected thing and displaying this very alpha approach, I'm almost picturing him looking in the mirror in the morning and telling himself he's a winner and the rest are pussies. I worked briefly in finance in NY and eavesdropping on these mens 'conversations' was an eyeopener, they thought they were masters of the universe but just sounded like a bunch of bell ends. Even the leisure thing of going on a retreat is quite extreme and try hard, instead of doing that how about just working less in ordinary time and watching tv or having a chat or doing a bit of sweeping outside like a normal person. There seems to be a hole there that he is trying to fill, something whuch he is trying to prove -which he is probably not even aware of - and that is sad but if he won't confront it, then I don't know what you can do. I have no consolation or advice to offer but I think it's great that you are getting increasing clarity on your situation and knowing that you have options. It is absolutely vital that you continue not to accept his version of things which sound deluded frankly. Not that you have to continually confront him but just knowing in your own head, this is bullshit is powerful. It takes some women decades to get to this point and in the meantime have shrank to very little while supporting their Master of Universe. Courage my friend, you sound wonderful

AdifferentGoat

So if he had to be up in 4 hours why dIdnt he go to bed earlier

@GreyhoundG1rl

The end is in sight.. Can you elaborate?

By this he means somewhere in the distant future he will have balance again I have heard this over and over. I don't believe it anymore. I did for a while there but I'm starting to see it's something he says to keep me quiet.

He's actually gotten to a point where he will invent lunches which are really undercover for yet another zoom conference he simply has to be a part of.

To his credit, he bought be the most beautiful gift for UK mothers day. It was sweet. He then asked why I didn't share it on my social media page Yes because that's exactly what our 'average' friends want to see.

Seriously?? You could not make this shit up. Again, I'm in utter awe at state we have reached. Nothing in this world would have convinced me ten years ago I'd be living this ridiculous situation.

It sounds exhausting.

It is harder to be away from family with a new baby. Especially if you feel unsupported.

I've been pondering a lot about this phenomenon (the Big Important Job). Thinking about how your husband needs constant validation and his claims that his co-workers heap praise upon him (and how my own husband was very happy with the praise of his team and disappointed to get no praise from his boss).

Then I remembered that my husband's "mid-life crisis" started when he was accidentally sent an email which contained a frank account of his shortcomings in the job. It was like he went into shock for a while (cold, jittery, unable to process), but the experience has been positive overall, as he was willing to look at the facts squarely and admit that those shortcomings are real (of course there is a lot he does very well, but inevitably things he is not good at). He ended up deciding to take a change into a role that suits his strengths instead of constantly battling to be somebody he's not.

Your description of your husband seeming panicked, "against the odds" etc made me think of now mine looked when he was faced with his own inadequacy. It took my husband's boss's frank appraisal (which was only shared by accident) to shake him up, and change from thinking "I need to succeed at all costs" to realising "I won't succeed at this, but there are other things I can succeed at". Your husband IS the boss, so where could this appraisal come from, for him? Does he have a mentor or mentor-type figure that he might listen to?

No solutions for you OP, but I hope that our experience might help as you understand / navigate this.

Your husband talks about his "journey" (mine had started to speak like this too - the whole company do) which is cringey, but it's a good way to think about life in general. This is only a section of your life together, and it does not have to last for all of it - you can get through it, and out to another phase where work is not the be-all-and-end-all of his existence. However, it could take a seismic event to get him to change, as this kind of thinking is like a rut that is hard to get out of.

Oh, I thought he was working towards some grand finale that had a definitive end date.
"The end is in sight, just a few more weeks" doesn't actually mean Some time in the distant future, you know this, right? He appears not to, for all his above average brain power

So sorry OP that sounds crap. But your DH sounds like the worlds worst manager. My DH manages people and he encourages them keep proper business hours. His team are happy and productive. This is all going to come falling down for him professionally. But back to you. You are working hard and need some support and a break. I would be drawing a line in the sand regarding the holiday. If he can’t give you the break you deserve, I’d make it clear that your marriage might never recover.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Oh, I thought he was working towards some grand finale that had a definitive end date. "The end is in sight, just a few more weeks" doesn't actually mean Some time in the distant future, you know this, right? He appears not to, for all his above average brain power

Quite. Can you really not pin him down and get him to state clearly what he means by this? Treat it like a performance review if that is the only language he understands- give him specific and measure able objectives.

How to write SMART objectives

Specific
Measurable
Achievable/agreed
Relevant
Time-Bound

Treat him like your employee.

He sounds insufferable.

Does he know how serious your misgivings have become? Would this give him pause?

Have you ever challenged him on the comment about only being a few more weeks.

Replied that you have heard it all before and it doesn’t mean anything
Have you pointed out that the company would carry on if he dropped down dead tomorrow. When he was off with Covid it all kept going.
He is obviously struggling and others will notice he is struggling.
As a European we don’t work the same hours as the Americans but our companies still keep going without every employee working themselves into the ground

Is it the systems they have in place or the people who think it is good to create irrelevant working practices that create hours of unnecessary work/meetings/emails etc

I know you love him and you aren’t looking at divorce but I would the video of your life out to it’s conclusion and think about your feelings.
If he dropped down dead of a heart attack in 10 or 20 years time how would you feel having lived with listening to the same narrative for the next 10 or 20 years
If he makes it to retirement (another 30 years of the same narrative every single day for 30 years) what would it be like to live with someone who has never done family life, who can’t relax or do something for fun and not have to be the best at everything.
What will it look like if you are on your own in the house with someone who will always throw themselves into anything other than you.

Waiting for him to become the person he was is going to get further and further away until one day that person will be buried so deep that they are never found.

Either stay for the money he can bring in but protect yourself by living separate lives or leave.

I can say that Dh played no part in dcs upbringing. His big important job did. Whilst dc tolerate him as adults I think if he dropped down dead tomorrow for us all it would be a relief rather than sadness as we know we are not his first love, work or anything else that he can throw himself into is and whilst atm he isn’t working we all know he isn’t happy and it will all start again if he ever found another job.

He sounds like an absolute bore. I'd never go on to a partner about my job and how special I am, nobody wants to hear it.

He sounds insufferable . I cannot imagine that his colleagues think he is anything else .

My friend's husband was the same as your dh, always busy to live a life outside of work. He was too busy to go to the Dr for routine health checks and died of a massive stroke at the age of 38. He had unregulated high blood pressure that would have been picked up if he'd gone to the GP. It was a totally unnecessary death and he's left my friend widowed at the age of 35 luckily without children. My friend said he cancelled his health checks 6 times, he had 6 opportunities to save his life. He also worked in IT and was a big tech whizz, not anymore.

Watch the movie "Click". Make your husband watch it.

Re the wonderful Mother's Day gift...that made me so upset for you! The minute he asked why you didn't share it on social media, I would have gone and got it and given it straight back to him or throw it in the bin in front of him. How dare he give you a gift in order to get outside validation?

I have a very busy, 'high flying' job and I probably blither on about being busy too much to my dh. But I apologise if I've been a twat about it and/or he will tell me to shut the fuck up if needs be! Also I am an adult and I do not need praise, appreciation or thanks for something I am paid to do.

I agree with others who said that if anyone at work genuinely (as he claims) praised him about his efficiency then it's to shut him up or lick his arse. More likely no one has said anything of the sort.

I feel very sorry for you and as he hasn't said it, I will - you are doing an amazing job, giving birth and looking after a young baby is exhausting and tough x

THIS is why I dumped my Ex.
Sorry not to be of more help :(

@sixthtimelucky

Re the wonderful Mother's Day gift...that made me so upset for you! The minute he asked why you didn't share it on social media, I would have gone and got it and given it straight back to him or throw it in the bin in front of him. How dare he give you a gift in order to get outside validation?

I have a very busy, 'high flying' job and I probably blither on about being busy too much to my dh. But I apologise if I've been a twat about it and/or he will tell me to shut the fuck up if needs be! Also I am an adult and I do not need praise, appreciation or thanks for something I am paid to do.

I agree with others who said that if anyone at work genuinely (as he claims) praised him about his efficiency then it's to shut him up or lick his arse. More likely no one has said anything of the sort.

I feel very sorry for you and as he hasn't said it, I will - you are doing an amazing job, giving birth and looking after a young baby is exhausting and tough x

I agree about the Mother's Day gift, that sounds like one of those watershed, clarifying moments which can't be undone and which showed you who he really is, a performative husband and father as well as worker. I am sure you would have preffered a cup of tea, a bar of chocolate and a big hug and kiss that came from the heart than the Big Fancy Gift.

The big fancy thoughtful gift is lovely. The moment he asked why wasn’t it on social media would have ruined it for me.

Nothing will ever be enough for this man. He will chase praise and attention until he dies. OP you’ll need to decide whether that works for you.

Such harsh responses. I feel for you both. Working this way (full time at home, only virtual meetings) is far more exhausting than face to face, and because you are physically alone it can feel that you carry the world on your shoulders. If he is the sole earner as well he may be struggling desperately feeling incredibly trapped and unable to see any way out.

So many posters direct such vitriol towards a man simply earning a wage - and supporting a family. I think it’s very sad.