Page 16 | Running out of ways to congratulate my husband

AdifferentGoat · 2021-04-08T14:06:12+00:00

My husband is doing quite well in his job. He's always been driven and rather disciplined. I have struggled massively as to get my act together due to lingering depression. I'm actively working on this. To cut a long story short, he is forever talking about his achievements, sending whatsapp messages about articles that pertain to his field, using most opportunities as to inspire discussions that draw the discussion back to him... I could go on and on. He's upset because I don't understand how busy he is. I get it. He's very busy and important but I miss the man I once knew. I miss him. I'm not enjoying being married to a walking well-aligned resume. The other day he was a bit off and I asked him what was wrong. With a sigh, he stated he was hurt that a colleague of his did not congratulate him on something. Am I being unreasonable to think maybe my husband is lost in the great abyss that is his unending need to be validated? Naturally there is more to him but I'm struggling with this issue and it's tainting my perception of him 😔

theleafandnotthetree · 10/04/2021 12:26

@fufulina

Such harsh responses. I feel for you both. Working this way (full time at home, only virtual meetings) is far more exhausting than face to face, and because you are physically alone it can feel that you carry the world on your shoulders. If he is the sole earner as well he may be struggling desperately feeling incredibly trapped and unable to see any way out.

So many posters direct such vitriol towards a man simply earning a wage - and supporting a family. I think it’s very sad.

I simply don't know how you could have read this thread and concluded this. The issue is so much deeper and wider than a man working too hard the poor thing - he condescends to the OP and pretty much everyone else, he constanstantly seeks validation from the OP, colleagues, the whole fecking world via social media, he is totally disenaged, he is massively cringey and annoying, he refuses to see that there is a problem...I could go on.

Whatwouldscullydo · 10/04/2021 12:35

Good grief op you are a Saint.

Would he be this "busy" without am audience.

Personally I'd go stay with a friend for a few days ( lock down restrictions permitting) and start having a.life without him see if taking no notice of the nonsense makes him.pack it in. If they coped 2 weeks without him.amd didn't hire 7 temp replacements and the busines is still standing then he's just a big fat liar tbh.

billy1966 · 10/04/2021 12:41

I can't imagine how you can even look at such a twit.

I bet he's american, and if he's getting any of that praise from his employees, it's because employment law is shite in the US and it's so easy to pink slip someone.

In England he would be the absolute laughing stock within the company and behind his back.
Do not for a minute think people believe this is normal.
It will have noted by EVERYONE that meets him.
You can definitely be sure he is being taken the piss out of.

Kindly, he sounds manic and as if he has severe MH issues.

I think you need to up the hours of baby care support from the Nanny and organise yourself.
Do you wish to stay in the US or would returning to the UK be better?
Do you have support in the UK?

Keep posting.
Your thoughts are very clear and developing.

BalloonSlayer · 10/04/2021 12:52

It does sound tedious but is there a chance that he is feeling anxious about being financially responsible for a family now you have had a baby, and is trying to big his work up so you know he is "doing his bit" for the family.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/04/2021 12:58

@BalloonSlayer

It does sound tedious but is there a chance that he is feeling anxious about being financially responsible for a family now you have had a baby, and is trying to big his work up so you know he is "doing his bit" for the family.

But that doesnt explain some of the other behaviour (e.g. suggesting she publicise the Mothers Day gift, his condescension towards others) which speak of a more fundamental narcissism and lack of self awareness. I think yours is a very kind interpretation but I think there is sadly more to it than that or maybe it's thst there's less to him. He sounds very shallow

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/04/2021 12:59

a man simply earning a wage
The whole thing has gone completely over your head. Bless.

Bythemillpond · 10/04/2021 13:24

The Mother’s Day gift might have been big and fancy but the only thought gone into it was how it would look on social media. It hadn’t got anything to do with what you thought of the gift as long as you posted about it.

Think about his work as another woman who pays for him to be at her beck and call and he goes out of his way to please her.
Then think would you be sticking around.

It gets worse not better. You can protect yourself by just seeing him as a personal ATM and live your life completely separately to him because he is a lost cause.
Trying to get him to be the man you fell in love with is gone. You might get him back if he loses this job but as soon as he gets another he will revert to type. Like when he had Covid. He doesn’t learn anything from
his time away.

Or you could give him a wake up call and walk out and go for a divorce. This might make him reassess his life but ultimately it is like someone who is addicted to heroin who has to be surrounded by heroin everyday he goes to work. He is only going to relapse and you will just end up 20 years older with children all left home and being completely alone with someone you don’t recognise

HelloMissus · 10/04/2021 13:26

To be fair to the bloke, this culture is part of many of the most successful start ups.
Google, Amazon, Netflix - this is how they roll.
Fantastic rewards, provided those in management are ‘customer obsessed’ ‘willing to do the hard things’ understand trays it’s ‘forever day one.’

He’s probably just following their lead, which is greatly admired around the world.

Sexnotgender · 10/04/2021 13:35

But why didn’t you share his grandiose gift to let everyone see how successful and wonderful he is?

timeisnotaline · 10/04/2021 13:38

Oh my god, uninvite him on your weeks break. Tell him to let you know when to book another one he can come to, it’s not a break if he’s working over 4 hours a day and you know he will so it would be unsupportive of him to come when you’ve been working so hard on your mental health and seeing him refuse to put the phone down and spend a day with his daughter is starting to make you see red.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/04/2021 13:38

@HelloMissus

To be fair to the bloke, this culture is part of many of the most successful start ups. Google, Amazon, Netflix - this is how they roll. Fantastic rewards, provided those in management are ‘customer obsessed’ ‘willing to do the hard things’ understand trays it’s ‘forever day one.’

He’s probably just following their lead, which is greatly admired around the world.

Oh no question about it, and I guess big breakthroughs in STEM and the businesses linked to them require obsessed and single-minded individuals. But I don't necessarily think people who are like that are fair in forming families where the spouses and children are just so much background noise or slaves to the Genius creator or businessman. Or else they should enter into almost strategic marriage arrangements where everyone knows what they are letting themselves in for and the financial rewards are huge. Its not something I would want, the OP neither by the sound of it. She doesnt want a walking ATM, she wants a husband and the complete man she used to know. There is a mismatch here

candycane222 · 10/04/2021 14:43

I lived with someone a bit like this many years ago- toe-curlingly self important. He was a sweet guy in many ways, but completely lacking any sense of proportion about himself. Even he could be teased though. Sadly he developed a drink problem and so I moved out, so I don't know what became of him in the end. He wasn't really secure at all, underneath, but a lot of people thought he was a total knob, and I could see why.

Have you told him Elon musk and jeff bezos are pricks?

I can tease my dh when he goes on about work too much: I day "that's nice dear" or "oh what a pity" and he gets the message. He doesn't think I'm attacking him. He recognises im defending myself from an onslaught of dullness.

Huh this journey eh? No destination though, is there? You Howe vef are entitled to choose your own journey. You don't have to tag along on his.

In the immediate term, get help eg a night time nanny so you can get more sleep. Get out in the spring sunshine, exercise, love yourself. You don't have to live this miserable life. If he loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he would mind about how grim it was for you. I'm not sure he's able to see you as a separate person with separate feelings in the state hes in. Unless that's fixable you may be on a hiding to nothing.

ineedtwoweeksoff · 10/04/2021 14:48

He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Loftyswops988 · 10/04/2021 14:56

My ex is a fairly successful artist - towards the end of our relationship they were becoming known and being noticed. The constant googling of themselves or stopping listening mid conversation to check notifications of things they'd been mentioned in was exhausting and made me feel really deflated somehow even though I was also proud. In the end it became difficult as we went from being so chill to having to curate an online presence. Agree someone needing to be validated is not a happy way of life

MiddleParking · 10/04/2021 15:14

He's only just trotted into the bedroom. Baby is finally sleeping. I made the grave error of mentioning how tired I am. A swift nod from him followed by a ' DW I am exhausted. It's just madness. I need to be up in four hours. The end is in sight. Just another few weeks to blaze through.'

He’s a prick. He didn’t use the words “shut up, I don’t care” but he still said it.

MMMarmite · 10/04/2021 16:20

His childhood sounds awful. I feel desperately sad for the man. Being abandoned by your own mother must destroy your self esteem and sense of being loveable.

Now he's found a way to be good enough, to have worth, be "adored" by his team and investors. But he must be so on edge - if he doesn't keep working at this rate, it could all fall apart. He can't see outside it, can't face the realisation that this "love" is actually fake and meaningless.

I don't know what you can do to help OP - this stuff runs deep. It's so sad for both of you.

BalloonSlayer · 10/04/2021 16:37

But that doesnt explain some of the other behaviour (e.g. suggesting she publicise the Mothers Day gift, his condescension towards others) which speak of a more fundamental narcissism and lack of self awareness. I think yours is a very kind interpretation but I think there is sadly more to it than that or maybe it's thst there's less to him. He sounds very shallow

@theleafandnotthetree it could also be that, being fixated on rewards, validation and praise himself, he was trying to give some of that to the OP by giving her the extravagant present. His encouragement of her to publicise it on social media could be a way of encouraging her to blow her own trumpet, saying "look at what a fantastic mother my husband thinks I am, I must be great," rather than the "look at the present my husband bought me, isn't he great" which has been assumed.

In other words, he is trying to treat her like he wants her to treat him - to praise her achievements, and to make sure everyone knows that she has been praised.

BalloonSlayer · 10/04/2021 16:38

Whooops sorry forgot to bold your post @theleafandnotthetree

GreyhoundG1rl · 10/04/2021 16:43

way of encouraging her to blow her own trumpet, saying "look at what a fantastic mother my husband thinks I am, I must be great,"
You can't be serious?

theleafandnotthetree · 10/04/2021 16:44

@BalloonSlayer

But that doesnt explain some of the other behaviour (e.g. suggesting she publicise the Mothers Day gift, his condescension towards others) which speak of a more fundamental narcissism and lack of self awareness. I think yours is a very kind interpretation but I think there is sadly more to it than that or maybe it's thst there's less to him. He sounds very shallow

@theleafandnotthetree it could also be that, being fixated on rewards, validation and praise himself, he was trying to give some of that to the OP by giving her the extravagant present. His encouragement of her to publicise it on social media could be a way of encouraging her to blow her own trumpet, saying "look at what a fantastic mother my husband thinks I am, I must be great," rather than the "look at the present my husband bought me, isn't he great" which has been assumed.

In other words, he is trying to treat her like he wants her to treat him - to praise her achievements, and to make sure everyone knows that she has been praised.

Mmm maybe, but again I think you are being very kind when you take into account the whole picture the OP has painted.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/04/2021 16:49

Lassy1945 · 10/04/2021 17:25

I think @BalloonSlayer makes a good point

comingintomyown · 10/04/2021 17:27

Elements of your posts take me back to my rather self important XH , he would leave every morning around 8.30 for work and I would say see you later and he would almost always say “Ok , no idea what time I’ll be back it’s so mental at work” and then every day he’d be through the door around 5.15. One day I innocently said oh you’re back early and he looked startled when I reminded him about his predicted late finish because it was clearly utter fabrication.
There were loads of bingo card kinds of things like this and I ended up losing all respect for him.

Bythemillpond · 10/04/2021 17:47

She doesnt want a walking ATM, she wants a husband and the complete man she used to know

That man is gone.
Yes he might reappear if he takes a break from work but unless he never works again then he will disappear again
The problem is now he has stepped into this addiction then it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do this is the template he is on. It doesn’t matter if it is work or not working or taking up a hobby this type of addiction will just take another form.

Coving · 10/04/2021 19:30

@Bythemillpond

She doesnt want a walking ATM, she wants a husband and the complete man she used to know

That man is gone.
Yes he might reappear if he takes a break from work but unless he never works again then he will disappear again
The problem is now he has stepped into this addiction then it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do this is the template he is on. It doesn’t matter if it is work or not working or taking up a hobby this type of addiction will just take another form.

I think I agree with the man she fell for being gone. The OP has said on a number of occasions 'I know this is not who he is', but it's who he is now, and I'm not sure how helpful it is to her to keep pretending it's a temporary aberration he'll recover from given time.