Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP, you could've bought this on yourselves by keep offering to entertain. They probably think that you enjoy it, this suites them as they clearly do not want you there if they offer to go out somewhere, anywhere, just so long as it's not their home.

No friends, hate visitors & visiting. However, we have a family member who's quite happy to visit us, yet claims not to like visitors as it's such hard work. I would've thought that due to that statement they would understand visiting etiquette. This should be part of the curriculum.

Unfortunately we are rarely invited to people's houses;even family;my parents will have summer bbq's but not invite us.They'll invite my 2 cousins and my brothers and partners and kids but not us;the reason why (after I had this out with my parents) I've committed the crime of having too many kids.

One brother is childless,the other has one kid,my cousins who get invited each have one child.I have 4 kids and it's a lot to feed 6 extra people;I've told my parents I'll bring food and drink as I do so when we go to other people's houses;I never come empty handed.

However everyone appears to be quite happy to turn up to our house empty handed and also expect to be invited round because "you have a bigger house/garden".

I know it's not just me as my friend had the same as her brothers have half the amount of kids she does.

CFs! Stop inviting them over.

@thenewduchessofhastings stop inviting the CFs!

Apologies, I haven't vanished but MN was crashing every time I attempted to reply.

We don't really go out to restaurants together since we had kids, it wasn't a particularly relaxing experience with 4 preschoolers between us (although oldest have started school since covid) and one of their children is a struggle at bedtime so cannot easily be left to a babysitter, hence now doing daytime lunch or coffee meetups.

I don't mind hosting in the sense that I quite like the energy of having people in the house/garden. But I don't especially enjoy the stressful bit of figuring out what to cook/bake, especially for other people's kids who are often picky about certain things. In all honesty, it does also get expensive, and covid has squeezed our finances. But coffee and cake out for our 4 would be nearly £20 a go at least anyway.

Fhenewduchess, I think lots of people with 3 or 4 kids find they get less invitations. I’m not saying people are right or wrong, but I can see it happens a lot.

I have friends with all kinds of numbers of kids from 1 to 5. We tend to roughly reciprocate in terms of invites, in terms of we invite each roughly as many times as each invites us.

With the larger families, I’m more likely to invite them in the summer to something like a BBQ, because the 5 smallish kids in our small house is a lot and it just works better in the garden. They totally get that. Plus, I notice they always bring plenty of drinks or snacks when we are hosting...I think they are very aware there are a lot of them. However, I wouldn’t be bothered if they didn’t do this. They are our friends. They invite us and we invite them. Sometimes we’ve gone for a picnic to a park instead of to someone’s house. We don’t tend to go out for a meal as the 2 families as it’s just very expensive for the 7 of them, whether they pay for themselves or we pay for them. But I think large families often look for wats to do things a bit more cheaply anyway and eating out for 7 is always going to be expensive.

We would also usually only ask that one family of 7, whereas sometimes if hosting we would have 2 other smaller families. You’re right that larger families get treated a bit differently, but it’s a shame if they miss out on invitations altogether.

God, I hated parents who never reciprocated playdates, but were happy for me to do all the work.
Your friends are simply the lazy arsed adult version of this!
Invitations should always be reciprocated. If you're not happy with that, don't accept them you weirdo.

I've so missed the regular "playdate moaning threads" over the last 13 months. The spectacularly empathy-lacking posts where people are unable to understand that other families' circumstances might be different from their own.

I think the keeping score and alternating between houses gets a bit tedious though.
I was thinking this week about this because we’ve hosted a number of (garden) play dates and have also met up with a friend for a meal in their garden..
We definitely do our fair share of hosting in total, probably more than our fair share... Since the end of school almost 2 weeks a go I think we have hosted 4 times against 1 time but there are couples and families where it just so happens that we haven’t. It doesn’t mean anything it’s just how it’s fallen.

It is equally rude to insist people come to whatever event it is, and even more rude to assume that having arm wrestled them into it they have to invite you back. The whole dinner party thing baffles me. All these people on here getting offended that they don't get an invite back? It's a hint. Stop inviting whoever the culprit is. They'll be delighted.

Insisting IS rude, you are absolutely right.

But we are mainly talking about people who jump at any invitation, who have never declined one and just are too lazy and too rude to reciprocate.

It's even more obvious in a group: you invite the group. CF would be mortally offended to be left aside and forgotten. The other members of the group invite in turn, and everybody is happy.

It's pretty obvious when someone has never had any issue accepting - some of them are even happy to come for an entire weekend!

Basic manners mean that, even if you don't like it, when invited somewhere you reciprocate. How hard is it to provide drink and a dinner, at least once. It's lazy and entitled not to. Everybody else has to manage.

The spectacularly empathy-lacking posts where people are unable to understand that other families' circumstances might be different from their own.

Lack of manners and being a CF does not qualify as "different circumstances"

Some parents LOVE hosting play-dates, which is great. The majority is not fan, but does it for their kids sake and to be polite. No excuse not to make the effort when everybody else has to.

I think the keeping score and alternating between houses gets a bit tedious though

I am quite sociable and have lots of friends, despite not enjoying hosting at mine. I still do.

One friend of mine will be coming to dinner here in a few weeks, it was organised a long time ago, but now she has been to my house (ignoring covid lapses) five times for dinner and drinks with a whole group. She is most sociable person I know and for sure she is definitely having parties and dinners at her house with other friends. We seem to have fallen into a habit of me always doing it. What do I do un invite her? Tell her she has become a CF? Which she most certainly has. Grit my teeth and make it the last time?

Some people do not always start out as CF but become CF in time.

Reciprocating friendship doesn’t need to be in the same format as it is received. You can be invited for dinner and reciprocate by hosting a picnic in the park.

It’s fine to go to someone’s as a one off and not reciprocate.....but that friendship probably isn’t going to grow.

We are talking here about those who serially accept invites and never reciprocate in any form. That’s what people are passed off about....those who say yes to every invitation and thoroughly enjoy being hosted by others. These are not the anti-social sort who don’t want to see anyone anywhere. They are social leaders people who have decided it’s fine to accept hospitality but because they don’t like having people in their personal space (home) or find cooking stressful, or have a small place, that they will never reciprocate in any form at all but just receive.

That’s not okay. Those people who don’t intend to invite anyone back OR offer to host a picnic in a public space (because their place is too small) or to ever offer to buy a takeaway for the others, or to dream up another way of showing friendship EVER, really should just decline invitations. Friendship doesn’t have to be about equal and identical reciprocity but it is a 2-way street and anyone who is only interested in taking and not in giving in any form, beyond in the time of crisis or the short term, can’t expect the friendship to thrive.

Martyrs will now say that they will never accept an invitation again because they are being judged for not having people back for. 3 course meal. No, that isn’t what has been said....what has been said is friendship must be returned in SOME FORM. Imagination can be used to decide how that best works for each person, but they do need to think about it and do something.

The whole nature of friendship is it is 2 way. Sometimes one gives much more than another and that’s fine, but if only 1 side ever gives and the other only ever receives it’s not actually a friendship is it.

I would never want my friends to feel like they were being used.

And the pp that say they accept invites because they are doing their friends a favour by turning up! The bloody arrogance of that view. Of course your friends will love funding your nights out and doing all the work relentlessly just to have you there

Before I married DH, I was stuck living at home with an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive parent who feigned disability and made a lot of threats towards me to keep me at home. I was banned from having friends over, even for a cup of tea, right into my 30s and I was deathly afraid of revealing the real reasons. It was an awful situation. As a child I’d not been able to have friends round most of the time due to my parents’ violent and volatile relationship.

I’m so grateful that there wasn’t a tit for tat attitude from the people who befriended me and that when I explained that I wasn’t permitted to have anyone round and that I was embarrassed and sorry, they weren’t utter dicks and they did continue to invite me. It would have been even worse to be trapped in that dynamic at home and never being able to escape for an hour or two (usually an hour or there would be hell to pay) and experience a normal home. And yes, I never turned up empty handed, and often paid in coffee shops, restaurants etc. Not everyone who can’t reciprocate is a CF. And most people who don’t or can’t reciprocate do not invite themselves round.

Yes, I agree that some people become CF almost without realising it. A ‘norm’ emerges which means one person does all the hosting. They genuinely don’t mind for the 4th time and 5th time and by the 8th time, they’ve made a joke about it with their spouse but by the 10th time they really have noticed, and then the invites dry up.

I think it’s on all of us just to be aware how easily it can happen.

Chatting with some friends, I realised one felt peeved because when we go to pubs, she almost always comes out way. She felt the expectation was she would drive over to where most of us live. One friend in particular doesn’t like driving and will never offer to drive her way. Now though, I’m aware of it and every 2nd or 3rd time I will suggest we go her way. The others seem surprised but happy to do so. I know she appreciates it.

We have pets and I have a friend who is allergic. That means they won’t come to us in the winter for dinner. We go to them several times a year. I became aware the6had hosted us 4 times in the trot. They didn’t mind but the next time I said we would go to the pub and it would be our treat for dinner. Likewise, in the summer we went for a picnic to a park and I insisted on taking a picnic for all. My friend honestly didn’t mind coming for us all winter...but I just wanted to show I was aware of it and willing to make an effort. Now next winter I will feel really happy going there 2 or 3 times on the trot as I’ll know we will have hosted picnics and cream teas in the garden and made a share of effort.

I’m not counting and neither are they. But it’s a friendship and we both make efforts and show friendship and hospitality in different ways.

That is quite extreme sand I don't know many/any one that was kept locked inside their family home until they were mid 30s and abused. All of my friends have lived in their own homes for decades. I am not sure your post applies to many people's RL situations.
I am sorry you were abused by a parent. Why didn't you leave once you were old enough out of interest?

I like hosting but more 1 or 2 people at a time rather than a group of people. I find it hard to be constantly on top of drinks, making sure everyone has somewhere to sit, not hungry etc. Probably my fault for being too fussy though. I just can't bare someone being sat in my house uncomfortable because they're thirsty etc.

The only time I wouldnt mind hosting someone who didn't host back was if they contributed and turned up with wine/a desert etc. People who turn up empty handed constantly and dont host back are cheeky fuckers

@zigaziga

I think the keeping score and alternating between houses gets a bit tedious though. I was thinking this week about this because we’ve hosted a number of (garden) play dates and have also met up with a friend for a meal in their garden.. We definitely do our fair share of hosting in total, probably more than our fair share... Since the end of school almost 2 weeks a go I think we have hosted 4 times against 1 time but there are couples and families where it just so happens that we haven’t. It doesn’t mean anything it’s just how it’s fallen.

Re the score keeping, I haven't been keeping score at all. We've known these people just under 10 years and it was only last week during a discussion with DH about not seeing them for ages due to covid that it dawned on us that they've been to us many many times but we've only been to them for their joint 40th birthday party.

@Itsalonghaul

That is quite extreme sand I don't know many/any one that was kept locked inside their family home until they were mid 30s and abused. All of my friends have lived in their own homes for decades. I am not sure your post applies to many people's RL situations. I am sorry you were abused by a parent. Why didn't you leave once you were old enough out of interest?

Why doesn’t any victim of domestic abuse leave straight away? Can you not see that if you’ve been abused and manipulated from birth you might not have the resilience to be able to trot out the door at 18 and go happily on your way? Social services were always prevented from helping me, from the first referral at 4 and I never knew how to access help or felt like I deserved it. In my family culture unmarried women simply were not allowed to leave the family home.

And yes, it’s unusual case and one to this day most friends don’t know about because I found it so shameful. But domestic abuse in marriages or partnerships, alcoholism and substance abuse at home are all more common and hidden than you may think and can affect anyone. And that could be why people don’t get invited back. Hopefully a much less frequent reason. But still valid. Not every home is a happy home and it can be very hard to pretend.

My family are great at hosting. They cook amazing and healthy food. They're just so happy, loved up etc.
We love doing bbqs and do them well. But we don't really do lite or vegan options here. Also our child identifies as trans and is not happy so the atmosphere is a little strained. So I feel like I'd rather not subject them to it. I find it stressful trying to paint happy for a few hours.

@Itsalonghaul

I would never want my friends to feel like they were being used.

And the pp that say they accept invites because they are doing their friends a favour by turning up! The bloody arrogance of that view. Of course your friends will love funding your nights out and doing all the work relentlessly just to have you there

If that was aimed at me, I didn't say I was doing any favours. I simply said I THOUGHT it was polite to accept an invitation unless you have good reason not to attend. It shows you actually like the person.

Someone else likened my comment to bring a martyr. Honestly, some of you need to get a grip. If you feel things are becoming one sided, simply stop sending invites. You can't force people into doing something because of etiquette by your standards. You can only control things on your end. If you genuinely like hosting, then continue to do so. If you're doing it for a returned invite that never comes, then stop. I'm sure if they are true friends, there will be plenty of other ways the friendship is maintained.

@longestlurkerever I would have thought that would be the case too, but it seems lots of people on here have underlying resentment at supposed CFery, yet continue to gove the CFers invites.

sand Your difficult set up at home doesn't mean everyone else pays. Most people in genuine need will not be in a position to accept invites anywhere, and quite frankly socialising is the very least of their worries. Partying when you are in crisis is unusual to say the least. I say that as someone that is a survivor of domestic abuse in childhood and a relationship. My biggest concerns were covering the bruises for school and work, not really dinner parties and what seemed to me at the time fluffy human contact.
I needed proper friends there for support, that was usually a cup of tea and a hug - not a Jamie Olive four course dinner.

I could not face a dinner party at that point in my life so being a CF did not really feature.

I love seeing friends but not at mine. To me it isn't fun to be sat at home, whatever you're doing!

Actually maybe that’s why I get very nervous about hosting.

Both my mother’s marriages were violent and there were issues with alcoholic and addict relatives turning up unexpectedly and my father was an alcoholic. We were always forced to play pretend whenever we hosted as we tried to keep the family secrets. We were a “normal” middle class pillar of the community type family. Mum and I would be on tenterhooks knowing if you get anything wrong you might get punched when the guests left. We ended up having to distance from relatives and friends.

Luckily my life isn’t like that now but when I think of it maybe that’s why I dread hosting and would prefer to meet outside the home.