Page 10 | Never invited back?

Lockdownlumpy · 2021-04-06T22:17:45+00:00

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house. We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated. Anyone else have friends like this?

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 13:59

@Itsalonghaul stop inviting her! She’s having others over but is a CF with to!

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 13:59

With you

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 14:00

they weren’t utter dicks and they did continue to invite me.

I am shocked that you think people bored of someone never reciprocating are "dicks"! What an entitled attitude, that's awful!

As said above, and more than once, it's not about keeping scores with friends, and keeping a spreadsheet to ensure that every single invitation gets one back.

With real friends, you don't even notice if you only get invited to a bbq once in awhile, or invited for a meal out once or twice. It's just not one way constantly, that's the point.

It's expensive and takes a lot of effort for anyone to host. It's so disingenuous to pretend that someone likes it so you are doing them a favour by accepting.

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:01

Perhaps there should be a friendship club we can join that is outside meet ups only. Then it would save us all the trouble and awkwardness of having that conversation.

My family life meant we didn't/couldn't have people over, so I am wondering if that is why some of us find it hard?

Sandgrown1970 · 07/04/2021 14:01

@Itsalonghaul

sand Your difficult set up at home doesn't mean everyone else pays. Most people in genuine need will not be in a position to accept invites anywhere, and quite frankly socialising is the very least of their worries. Partying when you are in crisis is unusual to say the least. I say that as someone that is a survivor of domestic abuse in childhood and a relationship. My biggest concerns were covering the bruises for school and work, not really dinner parties and what seemed to me at the time fluffy human contact. I needed proper friends there for support, that was usually a cup of tea and a hug - not a Jamie Olive four course dinner.

I could not face a dinner party at that point in my life so being a CF did not really feature.

I never went to dinner parties, or partied at all. Just a much needed cup of tea or coffee and a chat and I always paid for coffees and cakes etc out. I wasn’t allowed to be gone for more than an hour. It’s not a competition and your judgemental attitude is most unkind and unfair.

lalafafa · 07/04/2021 14:02

so many CF's on this thread.

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:03

stack but she is already invited, but I would love to un invite her, but how? She really has become such a taker though. Entitlement has crept in, and also a complacency as we have been friends for a long time, she just expects to come!!!

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:05

But no one here is talking about tea and cake sand. We are talking about repeated offenders coming for dinner and drinks and never returning the favour. You did not do that, and I am sure the friends that were there for you will have been more than happy to provide kindness and refuge. The two are not the same.

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:12

I was thinking about dropping her from the guest list (quite a big group of friends are coming) and saying to her that I haven't heard from her, and assumed she wasn't into dinners anymore.... Of course she will be offended, but I am not sure I care anymore. I am fed up with being used. With this particular friend, I know she is very much into hosting but banks her old friends as done deals, to be able to move into different circles with new invites. I am not into friends like that full stop, and it was great for years but now it is not.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 14:12

Sandgrown. That sounds horrendous and I can't begin to imagine what you went through. But you must see that's the polar opposite of what the op was talking about?

SuperintendentHastings · 07/04/2021 14:12

@Itsalonghaul

But no one here is talking about tea and cake sand. We are talking about repeated offenders coming for dinner and drinks and never returning the favour. You did not do that, and I am sure the friends that were there for you will have been more than happy to provide kindness and refuge. The two are not the same.

Agree, it's not the same thing at all.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 14:12

@Itsalonghaul

I was thinking about dropping her from the guest list (quite a big group of friends are coming) and saying to her that I haven't heard from her, and assumed she wasn't into dinners anymore.... Of course she will be offended, but I am not sure I care anymore. I am fed up with being used. With this particular friend, I know she is very much into hosting but banks her old friends as done deals, to be able to move into different circles with new invites. I am not into friends like that full stop, and it was great for years but now it is not.

Do it.

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 14:12

@Itsalonghaul

stack but she is already invited, but I would love to un invite her, but how? She really has become such a taker though. Entitlement has crept in, and also a complacency as we have been friends for a long time, she just expects to come!!!

Just tell her that the get together has been postponed. She doesn’t need to know that it hasn’t!

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 14:13

I have never encountered CF among friends, but having kids brought a whole new world with the parents!

On one side, you have the ones who can't host but whose kids are at your house every week - but fall over themselves to take your kids to days out or soft play or something to reciprocate somehow (which is nice!)

on the other, the usual CF who not only reciprocate, but don't supervise their kids and spoil everybody's days or the worst who "drop and run" if there's an inkling of a kids party.

No one tells you about the real challenges and burden of having kids in advance

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:15

She will find out, as we share many friends and some are massive users of SM. So it will be a (very) strong message if I do it!!!!

I am not sure I can myself in the eye if she comes though...as I feel like I am being taken advantage of, and that is not a nice feeling. Christmas I felt like that, she sat there and swigged endless champagne, kids were enjoying all of the food and drinks all night and not even a thank you afterwards.

I hate being a mug!!! Grrrrrr

Polecat03 · 07/04/2021 14:16

@HeddaGarbled

Might be one of them rather than both. I know lots of couples where one is social and the other is dragged along.

I can relate to this, I'm much more social than my husband and it definitely impacts how social I am in our own home. So I'd consider this.

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 14:17

But will you have the same fallout when you don’t invite her to the next event? So you’re just precipitating what’s going to happen in the near future?

Do you care if she finds out? She doesn’t sound like much of a friend.

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 14:17

@Itsalonghaul that was to you

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:18

I have never encountered CF among friends, but having kids brought a whole new world with the parents!

So true! This a thing that never happened to me before too. I would casually drop the takers, and it was easy. Now you have to see them twice a day every day at the school gate!

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 14:21

She isn't much of a friend at all. She used to be, but she has changed over the years. She has become grabby and a social climber of the highest order. I am not sure she even cares about friends she just want 'invites' similar to 'likes' it is all for show now on SM.
Ten years ago she was lovely and a super friend, and I have tried to ignore the CF behaviour hoping it would improve, but no....it has got worse!

SausageDogSandwich · 07/04/2021 14:23

We do invite people over occasionally but I find it pretty stressful and need to plan it. I'm an introvert and not very good at winging stuff like that.

One quite good friend never gets invited anymore as she always makes a judgey comment about our house. I can't be doing with silly little digs.

HavelockVetinari · 07/04/2021 14:25

I love hosting, so we frequently have people over. I don't expect return invitations, not everyone enjoys it.

Triffid1 · 07/04/2021 14:26

This is a slightly depressing thread. You don't like hosting so you just don't do it? Ack.

I have sympathy but agree with those who have pointed out that reciprocation doesn't have to take the form of 100% equal stuff. I've stopped inviting certain people over for meals. I'd cook and clean and shop and they contributed nothing, and have never so much as invited us over for a cup of tea and cake. we still see them, but they'r invited for coffee or whatever because I'm just so tired of it.

I used to have a friend who didn't like hosting but she was a wonderful baker and was totally honest so she'd say she can't reciprocate but can she bring dessert (and usually something delicious for us to have another time too) etc. And that was fine.

It's just people who seem to think that it's okay to take take take who are the problem and I have largely ditched such people from my social circle. And I feel zero guilt about it.

MintyMabel · 07/04/2021 14:30

I hate having people at my house. I’d rather take folk out to a cafe or restaurant. I couldn’t really care if that bothers them.

thecatsthecats · 07/04/2021 14:30

Some people just never think about it. I'm both happy to host, and happy to invite myself to someone else's when it's close friends or family.

My friend said that her husband grumbled about "why we never came to theirs" when setting off on the 200m journey to ours and she realised that she'd never invited us back and was appalled!