Never invited back?

[Lockdownlumpy]

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

I just don’t cook anything fancy when people come over - do pizza or oven nibbles or quiche or cheese or cold cuts. I am not brilliant at cooking for lots of people so I just don’t! Love having people over though, just make sure there’s enough savoury stuff to soak up the booze and you’re golden. We probably do have some people over more than they reciprocate but I’m not counting. They’re my friends and I want to spend time with them so that’s what we do.

I don't like hosting but I do accept invitations. I think it's rude not to accept an invitation without a good reason. But I can accept how it would tend to feel one sided. If you actually enjoy hosting though, then it shouldn't be a problem if it's one sided. Surely you are inviting them for your own personal enjoyment.

I always bring some kind of contribution when invited round. Do your friends do this?

I hate one sided people like this, I get annoyed when we host all the time.
It would be nice to get other people to do stuff / snacks food etc.

I much prefer going to other people's houses. Do what I want all day, rock up and sit on my fat arse eating lovely food. Leave when I want. Of course that's preferable! Which is precisely why I take my turn to host my friends.

Exactly!! Of course it’s far easier and cheaper to go to other people’s houses. Is surely isn’t some massive revelation.

But I love spending time with my friends, so I take my turn.

@arethereanyleftatall

It isn't good enough to say 'I don't like hosting. Insert reason.' Take your bloomin turn. Or, do like others on this thread do and pay for the hosters when you go out.

It's a bit like saying 'I don't like cleaning the toilet. So I let my friends do it all the time. Oh, and they need to pay for the pleasure too.'

I much prefer going to other people's houses. Do what I want all day, rock up and sit on my fat arse eating lovely food. Leave when I want. Of course that's preferable! Which is precisely why I take my turn to host my friends.

That's just your preference though. Many peoplelove hosting. The weirdos .

That’s so unfair! Would you feel comfortable saying ‘We’ll come to yours for a change!’?

One of our friends is often the host so will say that her kids are keen for a change of scene and would prefer to go to someone else’s house for a change.

I don’t enjoy hosting, but I still do it. Firstly, I want to see my friends and secondly, it’s only fair to take a turn.

Those who completely refuse bit accept other people’s hospitality, at the very least you should pay for the occasional takeaway or meal out!

We has friends like this and their house is huge ! It was always a you come to us next time which never evolved . After about thirty times we stopped inviting them over, must have been great for them having unlimited food, booze and no clearing up ! Shame really but my husband said enough is enough we are being used!

I’ll happily travel to someone’s house. I hate people on my home . I use the excise that my dc works nights so will be asleep . Works everytime

@HumunaHey
I love people who love hosting. They're the best!
But, I don't think most people do. I think this thread is representative of my old circle. 10% who genuinely love hosting - happy days. 50% who dont, but understand/have manners/aren't selfish - the need to take their turn. 40% who just take.
It was around about the age of 40 that I dropped the takers from my life. It's nice.

Oh. And the other thing that gets me. Those that never host but turn up with one bottle of wine and a small pudding between the two of them. Think they've done their bit. Then proceed to drink cocktails, bubbles, maybe two bottles of wine. Eat a 5 course meal.

Oh. And the other thing that gets me. Those that never host but turn up with one bottle of wine and a small pudding between the two of them. Think they've done their bit. Then proceed to drink cocktails, bubbles, maybe two bottles of wine. Eat a 5 course meal."

Totally this. Bring usually a bottle of red. Most of my friends drink white. I don't drink red. Then eat / drink their way through the £100+ I've spent on food and drink for the evening... and say they've contributed! Err, no!

It’s odd to always accept the hospitality of others and never reciprocate. Things don’t have to be entirely equal but if someone is always putting the effort into hosting and bearing the cost and the other person never ever reciprocates and the issue isn’t even raised, I’d find it rude and socially unaware.

I have a couple of friends who don’t host. One is because their place is very small and the other doesn’t like doing it. But both have acknowledged the reality and when they have come to ours have sometimes paid for a takeaway for everyone or instead has taken us out for a meal. That seems fine...hospitality is being shown in a slightly different sense and reciprorication is being demonstrated. We still do the bulk of feeding our friends which we are fine with, but if over the years they had never ever shown any inclination to be the suppliers or funders of food and just kept coming to ours and never said a word about not having us back, I’d have found it odd.

It’s the same issue when the same people party pay every time you go out. Things do t need to be totally equal and no-one should need to keep count, but people notice if one party never ever pays and never says a word about it.

I think we all accept some people have more capacity (in all sense of the word) to host or to treat other people. There might be the odd friendship where it’s totally one-sided and understood that only one person ever hosts or funds anything. This is most likely to be family or perhaps friends over a shortish period of time. We would all like to think that if a friend falls on hard times in financial or some other sense, that the friendship continues and money or hosting ability doesn’t mean it ends. And this usually is the case if the relationship had a basis on some kind of reciprocity at some point. People do t mind taking on the load of hosting or funding for a period of time if there’s a relationship history.

But the reality is that most friendships won’t grow if from the start it is totally one-sided and only 1 person does the hosting or the paying for being out, especially if it’s not acknowledged or some attempt made to reciprocate in a way appropriate for that person. It could be the making if a cake to bring round, or having children for a sleepover, or doing the driving to an event. But take, take, take with zero give in any form isn’t a good basis for a friendship.

We had friends like this, it was always we will come to you ! After about thirty times of cooking, abundance of alcohol not to mention all the tidying up we stopped. They never brought anything and always said you come to us next time, there never was a next time. They then moved on to new friends and did the same. They had a huge house, just an invite for a few drinks would have been nice!

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess

This thread sure is flushing out all the usual Mumsnet anti-social recluses!

Such depressing reading.

we are all different, we cant all be life and soul of the party.

perhaps they want to leave when they want, and have had experience of people not leaving in good time?

This thread is making me feel pretty awful to be honest. We live in a tiny 2 bed flat, we love it but there's no way we can host large groups or do late dinner parties. Instead I do lots of play dates, bring friends kids out on day trips, always bring wine, cake etc when we do go to other people's houses.

But this is making me feel that I need to turn down all future invitations becuase I'm being a leech if I can't match fully reciprocate in terms of dinner parties. Feel like I'm going to lose some good friends over this which is sad.

I'm the opposite I hate going to someone else's I'd much rather host. I have multiple serious food allergies and can't be sure someone won't accidentally cross contaminate me, plus I have a lot of chronic conditions so can host around those

I'd much rather go to somebody else's' house. But it's a selfish attitude if you never invite them to yours. Not on.

I don’t invite people over and I’m the first to suggest to meet somewhere that isn’t someone’s home.

When I’m invited I will ask if they need me to help with anything or would they like me to bring something. I

I feel uncomfortable having people over because I would spend it on edge worrying about what my sons would be up to (3 and 6 yo asd). They are boisterous and loud and when quiet, the youngest is likely up to something. The 6 yo has sensory issues pertaining to sound and will get upset at the drop of a hat. He also touches his privates and pulls it out along with some toileting issues (he’s getting better) and I’d feel embarrassed if he did that in front of guests. It’s not exactly a subject I feel comfortable talking to friends about. I rather go out with friends without children when possible.

For all those who hate having people in the house, how do you cope with teens and their mates lounging about, eating you out of house and home etc, music playing, or do you mainly have young kids.

My parents never had this issue nor did I go to a friend’s house and simply just help myself, my parents considered that bad manners and to always ask and even then you would choose something small. It wasn’t that kind of home and my friends and I hung out after school and other public places specifically geared towards our ages instead.

I hate hosting. I’m happy to have my kids’ friends round (pre Covid) , and I often take groups of kids out to places . But adult hosting I hate. I hate cooking, I hate having to make my house respectable, I hate having no control over how long people stay, I hate being essentially responsible for people’s enjoyment.
What annoys me about this thread, is the people who say they love hosting, and are keen to do it, but then get annoyed when they’re not invited back. I will happily go to someone’s house and eat their food if they invite me, but I’m equally happy to not go if they don’t invite me. It’s their choice. And having made that choice, I don’t see why they should expect to have entered into some sort of unwritten contract of reciprocity.

I have a good friend who loves cooking, and (pre kids, Covid, relocation) she would regularly invite me for dinner as she liked to try new recipes. I explained I’d never be cooking for her, and she was fine with that.

I’m a good friend in many ways, I really am. I’m generous, I will always contribute financially, I’m supportive etc. I just don’t do hosting.

There are many ways of being a good friend, and we don’t have to show it in the same way. For example, if I enjoyed knitting, and knitted my friend a jumper, it would be unreasonable to expect my friend to knit me a jumper wouldn’t it, unless she liked knitting too!

I quite often get the vibe that some people prefer hosting. I invite friends round but it always seems difficult to pin them down to a date. They're very routine based and seem to prefer being on their own turf. For those friends, I tend to think schlepping over to their neck of the woods balances out the effort of hosting a bit. They have a GIANT house and garden too, whereas my house gets a bit crazy when full of people and kids and my dh has health issues that make him a bit unreliable as a host. You have to read the room a bit not to take the piss but perhaps these friends get that vibe from you?

Thanks @Bagamoyo1 - you've made me feel better. You're right, there are lots of ways of reciprocating friendship.

YABU.

@Lockdownlumpy I REALLY wish you had put a poll. Bet it would have been a resounding YABU.

I agree with other posters. I HATE having people around, I HATE 'hosting,' and more than anything, I HATE not knowing when they're going to leave.

On the occasion someone virtually invites themselves (and yeah, we used to know several couples who used do that,) we put a caveat in.

E.G. if they came/wanted to come at 2pm, we'd day 'Errrrr, yeah sure come over then' (or come IN then if they turned up with no warning.) Then we'd say 'we have to go out at 4pm, but that gives us a couple of hours to chat..' So we knew there was a 'time limit' on it.

It was a bit harder if someone came in the evening though, as we obviously weren't going to be going out anywhere at 10pm! And some people didn't know when to fucking leave! Personally, I think 4 hours is a maximum someone should stay, and the longest I would stay, like 7.00pm to 11.00pm. Personally, I would normally think about leaving after 3 to 3½ hours.

And no, me and DH don't go to anyone else's either. Like many other posters, we prefer to meet outside, and have a coffee, or a pub lunch. (I also HATE going out in the evening. Much prefer late mornings/lunchtimes.)

We used to be more sociable, and have people over, and had lots of parties for DD, when 10 or 15 of her mates would come, and even 4 or 5 of the mums. And I was a huge social butterfly from 16-17, to around 40-42. DH was too.

But for the past 10-12 years, I (and also DH) can't be arsed. Lockdown has been a blessing for this. Haven't had to be arsed with anyone! I don't mean our adult DD, and very close family of course!)

One thing that DOES fuck me right off, is posters on here, berating people, and mocking them, because they don't want people in their house, and aren't keen on going to anyone else's house either. It's like the ones who don't want to answer the door to people; they are mocked and derided too. Can people just keep their sticky beaks out? It's got fuck-all to do with you, what anyone else does.

Oh, and re; the OP... 'couple-friendships.' Ewwww.. I hate them. I HATE being friends with other couples. (I mean close friends, and in each others lives a lot, not just chatting when you see them!) Used to be friends with couples some years ago, and I hated it. Not least because it was almost always DH's friend and his wife!

He was HIS mate, and I was expected to be HER friend because of this. I never wanted it, and I never liked it, and neither did she. I had my own female friends (and a couple of male ones,) and didn't need DH's mate's WIFE forcing on me as a friend.

Finally, despite sounding like (and actually BEING) pretty anti-social, and a bit grumpy,) I don't mind seeing people/socialising now and again, but NOT IN MY HOUSE. Nope. That's my little sanctuary, where I feel comfortable and safe. I hate people being in it.. So what?! NEWSFLASH: people are different!!!