Page 17 | Never invited back?

Lockdownlumpy · 2021-04-06T22:17:45+00:00

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house. We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated. Anyone else have friends like this?

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 19:30

That people are happy to admit they’re cheeky fuckers - yes I am! I’d be too embarrassed to admit it.

But I guess you need the hide of a rhino to happily take advantage of your friends, so I suppose it makes sense...

stackemhigh · 08/04/2021 19:30

I think they think the hosts are privileged to have them grave their home! 😂

stackemhigh · 08/04/2021 19:30

Grace

sliceoflife · 08/04/2021 19:32

I would probably never offer to host if my DH didn’t initiate events. I always think it’s going to be a huge amount of stress and work.

He sets the date and invites people, then I usually get into the swing and end up enjoying it in the end, I just need a push to get a date in the diary.
We have several sets of friends who never reciprocate, gets very annoying. We don’t expect a full 3 course meal, wine and crisps or tea and cake is fine but it never occurs to them to return an invitation.
I’ve actually enjoyed this aspect of lock down, no events or parties to organise or attend.

Without DH I could easily become a recluse. He’s been WFH the last year and is ready for more social contact. I’ve been going into work which has been enough social contact for me. He’s already organised an out door meet up with two couples in Saturday evening. I’d rather stay at home and watch a film, but I know he needs some human contact with someone other than me.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 19:32

what I said is she loves hosting and does it because she wants to, not what your suggesting that she does it all for us because we don't want to, if anyone says they could potentially do it she always says no don't worry

You can just see Crumpet wheedling to her friend, ‘well, we could potentially do it...’

Just so blatantly angling for the friend to pick up the subtle-as-a-brick hint! 😂

AliceMcK · 08/04/2021 19:35

@FizzyPink

Oh no I’d actually love to be in that position. I love hosting people. I get to choose what we eat and drink. I know the house/toilet is going to be spotless. And best of all, I get to go straight to sleep after they’ve left and not fork out for a taxi home or not drink so I can drive.

This. I do like hosting, plus now I have DCs it makes life much easier. If we didn’t have people over we would never socialise as we don’t have babysitters.

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 19:39

Oh FFS this is the tone I was objecting to at the beginning. The idea that you are the only ones with social graces, no one else can work out when other people actually do prefer their own turf, or just generally see their house as a more suitable venue, and the fact that some people genuinely don't see friendships as something that have to be constantly earned. There are people on this thread who have SAID they prefer hosting. I've said I genuinely prefer it often when the alternative is a schlep. It costs £100 to go to dsis's so I always feel grateful when she comes here and insist on buying a meal out or whatever, rather than feeling put upon as a host, and yet this doesn't fit with your world view so everyone else is a CF and you are the charming host. It's the lack of nuance in this view that's so frustrating.

Fembot123 · 08/04/2021 19:41

@longestlurkerever

Oh FFS this is the tone I was objecting to at the beginning. The idea that you are the only ones with social graces, no one else can work out when other people actually do prefer their own turf, or just generally see their house as a more suitable venue, and the fact that some people genuinely don't see friendships as something that have to be constantly earned. There are people on this thread who have SAID they prefer hosting. I've said I genuinely prefer it often when the alternative is a schlep. It costs £100 to go to dsis's so I always feel grateful when she comes here and insist on buying a meal out or whatever, rather than feeling put upon as a host, and yet this doesn't fit with your world view so everyone else is a CF and you are the charming host. It's the lack of nuance in this view that's so frustrating.

🙌

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 19:43

But there are people blatantly admitting it’s one rule for them, and one rule for others - so we can easily ‘oh, FFS’ right back at you.

I suspect some people have had their eyes unpleasantly opened as to their own behaviour on this thread.

Lucky for them that they have lovely selfless friends, who are keen to do their hard yards and expense each time.

That they continually take advantage of such nice friends makes it even worse.

Fembot123 · 08/04/2021 19:45

I suspect some people have had their eyes unpleasantly opened as to their own behaviour on this thread

😂😂

Finelinehere · 08/04/2021 19:49

I love hosting, cooking, the whole decorating, tidying before friends arrive, being comfy all together in the house. A lot also depends on your closeness I guess. If I feel they are judgy, then I'd be stressed, and not invite them in the first place. Maybe they dont feel as close to you? Are you kind of formal when they come over? Maybe for them a simple go - grab- a coke - from the fridge kind of hosting feels more natural?

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/04/2021 19:57

@Finelinehere

I love hosting, cooking, the whole decorating, tidying before friends arrive, being comfy all together in the house. A lot also depends on your closeness I guess. If I feel they are judgy, then I'd be stressed, and not invite them in the first place. Maybe they dont feel as close to you? Are you kind of formal when they come over? Maybe for them a simple go - grab- a coke - from the fridge kind of hosting feels more natural?

I think that is true, especially if someone is an accomplished host and friends not so confident and perhaps a little intimidated. But if that was me (it's not, I do more than my fair share of hosting when it is allowed and love it too), I'd treat the people who usually host to a meal out once in a while. It's going to be interesting when we start to entertain again - I have missed it but it is a lot of work.

Dinkydody · 08/04/2021 19:59

@BackforGood

Some people find cooking for others really stressful. Some people enjoy cooking for others. If you are good friends, rather than people who have joined some sort of group, with 'points' (like a babysitting circle, but for hosting) then I don't think it really matters.

If you don't like cooking for people, then it isn't a relaxing, or fun, or enjoyable thing to do at the weekend.
If you do like cooking for people, then would you rather friends said "no" when you asked them over, or would you rather they came over ?

I've never seen friendship as something that means you have to do the same thing for each other. Friendships work in different ways, but there are lots of friendships where one is "the organiser" or one person goes round and helps the other out in practical ways or one where they are a good fit as one is the 'talker' and one the 'listener', or good fits in different ways.

This

HumunaHey · 08/04/2021 20:01

@Fembot123

I suspect some people have had their eyes unpleasantly opened as to their own behaviour on this thread

😂😂

😂😂😂indeed.

Some of these bizarre comments will earn this thread a feature in the Daily Mail.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 20:03

@Fembot123

I suspect some people have had their eyes unpleasantly opened as to their own behaviour on this thread

😂😂

I’m sure, for example, Crumpet’s doing a bit of reflecting...

Helpful tip - if you invite people over to your place, you do it with enthusiasm.

Then the invitation seems warm and genuine, and the other party/ies don’t get the impression you’re just massively hinting for them to host (yet) again.

As I’ve said previously, all my friends well and truly get it. We all take turns, so there are times we all get to sit back and have the food cooked, and most of the wine paid for.

But this thread has been fun for blatantly poking the socially clueless a little bit.

ElMacchiato · 08/04/2021 20:07

I do think it's a shame we can't do the American potluck thing where everyone brings a different dish. Much easier than the stress all going on the host.

HumunaHey · 08/04/2021 20:12

@longestlurkerever

Oh FFS this is the tone I was objecting to at the beginning. The idea that you are the only ones with social graces, no one else can work out when other people actually do prefer their own turf, or just generally see their house as a more suitable venue, and the fact that some people genuinely don't see friendships as something that have to be constantly earned. There are people on this thread who have SAID they prefer hosting. I've said I genuinely prefer it often when the alternative is a schlep. It costs £100 to go to dsis's so I always feel grateful when she comes here and insist on buying a meal out or whatever, rather than feeling put upon as a host, and yet this doesn't fit with your world view so everyone else is a CF and you are the charming host. It's the lack of nuance in this view that's so frustrating.

🙌🙌🙌 Also ignoring the fact that there are many other and more sincere ways you can show friendship .

By some standards on here, you must return an invite, even if it's for a cracker in the garden, otherwise you're a cheeky fucker.

Babysit their children? Loan them money? Take them to an appointment? Be available to talk at any hour when they suffered a loss? Still a CF unless you've hosted them at your house almost an equal amount as they have.😂😂😂

Fembot123 · 08/04/2021 20:26

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess You just sound so prefectish it’s funny, I’m sure @Crumpetsforthequeen is reflecting on her misdeeds after a firm ticking off from you.

genius1308 · 08/04/2021 20:45

I think it depends. During the summer months, or whenever the weather's warmer, I love to host and always have friends over to ours. We have a large garden with lots of sofas, seating areas and a large summer house with sofas and a tv. This makes outside hosting great, and all the kids can either go in the house or in the summer house. When the weather's not so good our friends host. Our house is not great for entertaining, all open plan downstairs which isn't great when they all bring their children as the adults can't get away from the kids . Their house is great for inside hosting, lovely large kitchen dining area and separate reception rooms for the kids to go and watch tv or chat. I think it works out pretty well, but I do love it when they come here and we can all chill in the garden

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 20:47

I’m sure she is. Bit of a rude awakening, I’m sure.

@HumunaHey - when you’re good enough friends with people to go into their houses and welcome them into yours, all the others things that naturally come with friendship are an absolute given. Why wouldn’t they be?!

But by all means, carry on defending taking advantage of their hospitality. Everyone sees it.

Fembot123 · 08/04/2021 20:55

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess

I’m sure she is. Bit of a rude awakening, I’m sure.

@HumunaHey - when you’re good enough friends with people to go into their houses and welcome them into yours, all the others things that naturally come with friendship are an absolute given. Why wouldn’t they be?!

But by all means, carry on defending taking advantage of their hospitality. Everyone sees it.

😂👍

newbie987 · 08/04/2021 21:33

@TheWaif

I absolutely hate entertaining people at my house. I probably wouldn't accept a dinner party invitation at someone else's house because of that though.

Yes, this!! I'd feel obliged to help them in the kitchen at a dinner party. Personally I'd rather go out for dinner.

Insanelysilver · 08/04/2021 21:54

We used to find it a bit difficult to entertain couples when we had our teenage daughters at home. One had health problems and the other had their boyfriends or friends around all the time.
A couple of times we got invited to other houses but it just wasn’t easy to invite them back.

Rather than not hosting them at all we explained and took them out for a meal.

msgreen · 08/04/2021 22:22

People totally take the piss, a couple of years back some friends asked
us for xmas lunch we are 3 they where 7 ,when I asked what I could bring , The answer was we will roast a turkey it would be great if you could bring the rest. Like a fool I did the works and took everything else.
so much work, I have hosted this family and their children for years so
many times , It dawned on me we have in 30 years only been to theirs twice to eat !!! I am sooo not doing it anymore lock down has helped
break some bad habits

Redissuereader · 08/04/2021 22:30

Are you an “overstayer” when they are tired or bored they can just leave your house?