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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
TotorosFurryBehind · 08/04/2021 22:38

When we bought our house we wanted a downstairs toilet so we could host. If we didn't have one I wouldn't feel comfortable about people going upstairs to where our bedrooms are. So I totally understand it that we have friends who don't like people in their house, it's a privacy thing for some people.

Whatamess582 · 08/04/2021 22:49

We have friends like that. We have had them over countless times, before and after kids... I used to make huge lunches, provide a veg alternative for the wife, my husband would sort really lovely and lot of booze, and we would have a great time. Then it dawned on me about 2 years ago that they never NEVER invited us to theirs. We once went to their flat after a lunch but that was more of a drunken ‘let’s go back your ours and carry on. it’s closer and we would have to drive to yours’. It wasn’t a planned invite.

My husband defended them saying we had a house whereas they had a flat with tiny balcony and so it was just easier for us to go out to dinner with them when it was their turn but we always split the Bill. But then they moved house: way bigger than ours and a beautiful garden and huge dining area. We have been invited once.... to see the house. They ordered pizzas in.... for the kids. I ended up eating my kids crusts. Lots of lovely wine though which was nice but.... come on!!!. Husband defended them again saying they didn’t cook, they had a show home and she didn’t like it getting messed up....

I won’t have them over again. Have told my husband if he invites them, he will have to cook everything. I’m not cooking a 3 course meal and entertaining for hours for people who can’t even bother to return the favour. If they took US out for dinner, maybe I wouldn’t feel so resentful but they don’t. They say ‘let’s go out for lunch’ and then there is a big rigmarole about splitting the Bill... will we split it 50:50 or will we take into account that his wife ate a green leaf and my child didn’t have a kid menu... 😣

If we see them now, we go out for lunch and I refuse to drive far to see them.

stackemhigh · 08/04/2021 22:52

@Whatamess582 good on you. We’re you cooking all these meals? No wonder DH wasn’t bothered, as he wasn’t the one cooking.

stackemhigh · 08/04/2021 22:53

*Were

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 22:58

So I totally understand it that we have friends who don't like people in their house, it's a privacy thing for some people.

So if people trot out the ‘privacy’ excuse, BUT are perfectly happy to invade other people’s ‘privacy’ - then it’s blatantly obvious that they just like to sit back and always, always let everyone else do all the work, and go to all the expense.

Just own it.

Whatamess582 · 08/04/2021 23:11

@stackemhigh yes. Always. When I first met them (friends of husband, when boyfriend) I really wanted to impress them. So I went all out and then I felt that I couldn’t drop standard. It got a bit ridiculous... I was making 3 course meals with home made nibbles etc.... I got about as stressed as at Christmas. My choice and my own problem I know. But that made it worse I think when I realised it was never reciprocated.

I love hosting, especially when my husband is home. We want people to come and enjoy our house and feel at home there and especially when the kids are older we want our house to be the house that everyone comes to and hangs out at. We have a great house for that and we love having people in it. But this particular couple. Nope. Never again.

Angrywife · 08/04/2021 23:32

We rarely invite friends with children because we find their children haven't been taught respect for other people's houses, or we end up having to parent their kids for them while they blissfully ignore their offspring.

I parent my kids wherever I am. They wouldn't dare jump all over someone's sofa or break another child's toys, both of which have been done by friends children in our house with no response from our friends to their children. So yes I'll accept invites but I only reciprocate the once if you show you don't teach your children how to behave in someone else's home.

FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 00:39

@Angrywife

We rarely invite friends with children because we find their children haven't been taught respect for other people's houses, or we end up having to parent their kids for them while they blissfully ignore their offspring.

I parent my kids wherever I am. They wouldn't dare jump all over someone's sofa or break another child's toys, both of which have been done by friends children in our house with no response from our friends to their children. So yes I'll accept invites but I only reciprocate the once if you show you don't teach your children how to behave in someone else's home.

Username checks out.
CarelessSquid07A · 09/04/2021 00:54

I'm not overly comfortable in people's houses or having people in mine. I prefer to go out however its not always affordable for everyone and now we have one couple with kids.

These days we go to theirs to avoid a babysitter but we usually bring either snacks/dessert or a takeaway dinner every other time. I would bring homemade food but neither of us can cook well.

I tend to do have people over for coffee or takeaway if I do make invites. We pay for them as we do get its our fault we just aren't up to cooking for a group and because we live rurally people have to travel to us.

RobboCop · 09/04/2021 01:58

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MamaG1984 · 09/04/2021 02:35

Oh, I know, these vacuous, succubus individuals who get totally consumed by their poor mental health, so utterly self indulgent! Why can't they just get their shit together for the benefit and me and my DH? It's likr good mental health isn't an option for them, so wedded are they to their anxiety and social awkwardness, like a grim sport.
Oh no, wait! Crippling anxiety is actually debilitating for the sufferer, they didn't decide to be that way and it probably causes them a great deal of shame and distress, and they don't want it anymore than you don't want to have the irritation and inconvenience it puts on you.
Empathy is clearly not your strong point, OverTheRubicon. Bet you throw a terrific dinner party though, that's what really matters isn't it.

MsTSwift · 09/04/2021 07:23

What so all these free loaders have mental health issues including Whatamess couple that she’s waited on for years?! Pull the other one!

MsTSwift · 09/04/2021 07:29

And they are not so cripplingly anxious that they are precluded from repeatedly rocking up to make Merry and eating and drinking at hosts expense and having a marvellous time 😁. Poor lambs!

Itsalonghaul · 09/04/2021 07:40

They are 'crippling anxious' when it is their turn to pay or do anything - they need to reside in their 'private spaces' to recover from your great hospitality - noting to themselves that they are 'helping' their friends by turning up and having a whole night of entertainment, food and wine for free, and they are simply indulging your passion for hosting.
Of course they would host, if only they could bring themselves to prise open their pristine sanctuaries for a night.

Selfish CF on the take is the short answer, and really it is up to each and every one of the generous hosting souls to spot that they are being taken advantage of, as that is most definitely what it is, and snuff it out immediately.
Stick with the friends that give back once in a while I say. I know I do. I find hosting hard, but I actually care about my friends, that is the difference.

ittakes2 · 09/04/2021 07:50

Some people don’t feel comfortable hosting but I would never regularly go to someone’s house and not do anything in return like pay all the meal next time we go out or offer to bring a course and bring some expense alcohol if we are going to their house. Do they bring anything with them when they go over?

Itsalonghaul · 09/04/2021 08:10

Taking wine (expected) flowers (expected) and a course is in no way the same as hosting a whole evening yourself at your home! Whether you feel comfortable or not, you should not be accepting invites without reciptorating full stop ittakes2

Find your user name somewhat ironic under the circumstances!

thebillyotea · 09/04/2021 08:19

So if people trot out the ‘privacy’ excuse, BUT are perfectly happy to invade other people’s ‘privacy’ - then it’s blatantly obvious that they just like to sit back and always, always let everyone else do all the work, and go to all the expense.

so true!

Do they really people actually believe them?

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 09/04/2021 08:33

WE SEE YOU!

I know the truth hurts @Fembot123 but come on! Grin

The absolute cheeky fuckers, thinking they’re deigning to do the hosts - the people going to all the effort and expense - a favour??

Hilarious. You’re kidding yourselves if you think no-one’s noticed.

SharonasCorona · 09/04/2021 08:37

I'm Asian, and other non-Asian people often ask me if I'm good cook and if I'd like to have them over (!) As if it's my dream to cook curry for everyone Grin

longestlurkerever · 09/04/2021 08:48

Smells like wine, you do sound a bit much tbh. Being a good host isn't the only social skill. I've said over and over that I do quite often feel grateful that people have gone to the bother of coming to see me. Even from the other side of London that's often a pita with unpredictable traffic or carrying buggies on the tube or whatever, and often sticking a roast in the oven and setting the table is the plummer of the jobs, not to mention saving on childcare if it's an evening do. In one group of friends my house is the outlier in terms of geography and even though it's not far, of it's just drinks or a playdate they seem reluctant to come over here as it's a 30 mins walk each way with small kids, so o often offer to go there and it is gratefully accepted. You seem to think your hosting is so amazing that people will happily trek miles and bring specially sourced offerings and they're definitely still up on the deal. Is that definitely the case? Because it might be, but equally they might think you're a bit entitled expecting people always to receive guests like the queen. As I say, I'm not a perpetual guest, I often host, but while it can be work it's often balanced out by the convenience of everything being on your terms. Do you really not recognise that scenario at all? Because berating others with all this condescension and snobbery is not a good look.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 09/04/2021 08:57

My hosting is no better or worse than anyone else’s.

You seem to be struggling. This ^^ is the entire point. It’s no better - or worse - than anyone else’s.

I take my turn. My friends take their turns. I don’t have a single cheeky fucker, selfish taker in my life. I’m having fun on this thread - I thought I’d make that quite clear.

It’s fun poking fun at the selfish takers, valiantly defending themselves, while everyone completely sees them for what they are: cheeky fucker, selfish takers.

You think no-one’s noticed, while you whine and wheedle that you could potentially have people to your place? Aand then step back, as usual, while your kind, generous friends step up to the plate and host yet again?

While begging off, with cries of ‘privacy’, ‘anxiety’, and ‘mental health issues’?

We see you.

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 08:58

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess

WE SEE YOU!

I know the truth hurts @Fembot123 but come on! Grin

The absolute cheeky fuckers, thinking they’re deigning to do the hosts - the people going to all the effort and expense - a favour??

Hilarious. You’re kidding yourselves if you think no-one’s noticed.

Jaysus, I’m surprised anyone wants to go to your house to be a CF, I’d rather eat a lean cuisine in a drain pipe 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Itsalonghaul · 09/04/2021 08:59

longest I am wondering if you are a friend that also hosts, why you feel the need to constantly defend CFs. I don't think travelling to someone's house is in quite the same league as hosting the whole thing yourself, with everything that involves! I am sure if they found it that tiresome, they could simply decline and you can invite someone more adventurous.

I don't buy into the grateful part at all, it sounds disingenuous. Why would anyone be grateful to clean, cook and supply a whole evening of hosting and feel grateful that someone showed up? That just smacks of low self esteem.

Hosting and friendships need to be a two way street, and anything that is not balanced is doomed to fail. As people generally don't like to feel their hospitality and generosity is being abused, as a rule.

Fembot123 · 09/04/2021 08:59

I have guests all the time (pre Covid) but yeah whatever floats your odd little boat, I seeeeeeee you 😄

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 09/04/2021 09:07

Jaysus, I’m surprised anyone wants to go to your house to be a CF, I’d rather eat a lean cuisine in a drain pipe

Believe me, the feeling could not be more mutual.

If it needs pointing out (it clearly does) - I’m taking the piss out of the likes of you on this thread.