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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
OpalOwl · 08/04/2021 13:53

From my little group of three friends one of us loves cooking and hosting the other two dont!
So we usually go to friend 1's house, however the other 2 always bring wine, desert and sometime ingredients.
Friend 1 cooks while the other 2 chat and drink wine in her kitchen, often trying to help out and being told off!
It works for us.

problembottom · 08/04/2021 14:07

This thread is really interesting. DP and I have always been shit hosts but we decided we were being rude to keep accepting invitations and not reciprocating. So we arranged a big BBQ for about 50 people every summer, spent a fortune on posh food and booze and it became a bit of an event that everyone talks about and loves. And to be fair we love it too. I recommend similar to people who don't like hosting regularly - big blow out once a year!

One of my DSis is super sociable and hosted all the time until she met her husband. He's lovely but incredibly anxious and none of the family have been in their house for years and years now. She actually arranged to have Christmas at theirs a few years back but cancelled it very last minute and everyone decamped to mine. I figure he just couldn't cope with it.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 14:12

@LettyLoman

I don't like having people at my house. I never invite doorstoppers in and if I should host a coffee I say my toilets broken so they have to go home.

I had NCT friends round for catch up when babies were weeks old and i was horrified (yes breathless) that a mum had taken herself off to my bedroom to feed her baby. Why not sit in the nursery? or one of the other rooms in the house????

This is just bonkers Confused. Why have people round at all if you won't let them use your toilet?
FireflyRainbow · 08/04/2021 14:16

My friends always want to come to mine but I don't overly like them coming here. I'd much prefer to go to theirs. Mines the smallest place though, I guess its 'cosy'.

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 14:27

@Crosstrainer

I see it like this: it’s nicer to get together with friends in a more informal setting, especially if you all have kids. It’s okay in a restaurant, but a lot less relaxed. Even if you don’t mind/enjoy hosting, it involves work, shopping and clearing up. So it’s only fair to share that work and expense. Even people who like hosting will usually enjoy/prefer being a guest. I think “my home is for me” mentality is pretty rich if you’re happy to go to the homes of others and accept their hospitality.
You see I do agree with this really. That's how I would treat my own friends. I just think you have to accept that other people aren't necessarily the same - they might not value the informality as much as you, and I do think that some people genuinely don't prefer being a guest. For example my aunt gets very anxious about using other people's loos and eating unfamiliar food and so on - she much prefers being the host. But that means everyone has to travel to her, which is actually a pita sometimes - travel is time consuming and expensive too and often I see it as my obligation to treat guests who've gone to the trouble to come and see me, rather than expecting anything more from them. But mostly it's about checking in to see if everyone's happy enough, and not making too many assumptions.

I agree that refusing to let people use your loo and making them go home or be uncomfortable is just mean. If you have genuine anxiety around stuff like this it would be better to be honest and not invite people.

Crosstrainer · 08/04/2021 15:48

My friends always want to come to mine but I don't overly like them coming here. I'd much prefer to go to theirs

Maybe they feel the same as you, though....

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 08/04/2021 16:21

@FireflyRainbow

My friends always want to come to mine but I don't overly like them coming here. I'd much prefer to go to theirs. Mines the smallest place though, I guess its 'cosy'.
Of course you ‘much prefer going to their’s.

You don’t have to organise, prepare, buy in food and drink, and clean up afterwards, do you!?

They have to do all that. They probably want to come to yours, because you always go to theirs, and it’s your turn.

Don’t you see that?

WombatChocolate · 08/04/2021 16:23

I’d have thought more people might choose to put themselves out for their friends.
Not loving doing the tidying for friends coming over or preferring to go out or to someone else’s house doesn’t mean you simply shouldn’t do it.
In life we do lots of things that aren’t our total favourite and take our turn rather than decide someone else should do it all because we don’t love it.

Friendship is about being willing to put yourself out sometimes. It’s not just about being a fair weather friend and doing totally what suits you. But lots of people seem purely interested in doing purely what suits them and us their preference all the time. They seem to think that because they like taking and don’t like giving, that means taking always is okay. After all we should only do what we really like and no-one should do or feel they should do anything they don’t really love. It’s an attitude seen amongst some people and seen as totally reasonable. It’s totally selfish.

In the end you can be totally selfish and only do what suits you....but it’s not the route to having genuine friendships. But perhaps some people don’t actually want friends who will see them in their difficult times or want to help others through ups and downs and put themselves out when friends need them. Perhaps some people just want some shallow contacts they can meet yearly at a pub and exchange superficial pleasantries with and have no obligation to ....not letting them into their lives or caring about that of the other. Perhaps people want isolated lives which are all about them and actually don’t want to gone or receive anything.

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 16:55

@Crosstrainer

My friends always want to come to mine but I don't overly like them coming here. I'd much prefer to go to theirs

Maybe they feel the same as you, though....

To be fair to crosstrainer she didn't say that they didn't come, just that she doesn't especially like it when they do. Presumably they do come, pretty often, or they wouldn't know it's cosy.
TrixieMixie · 08/04/2021 17:29

We rarely have people over because I work 70 hour weeks including weekends and I don't have the time or energy to play hostess on top of that. Plus, we have a flat in London that is small and a cottage that is also small in the country and so we are not geared up for dinner parties at either place. Although I think our flat and cottage are nice, most of our friends are much richer than we are so I would feel ashamed to invite people unless they were very close friends and I knew they weren't judgmental. But we are not on a dinner party circuit, so the issue of failure to reciprocate doesn't arise. I think often the whole inviting people over shtick can be pretty competitive, so I'm quite happy not to be on a circuit, and DH is the same! When we/I used to socialise pre Covid it would be going to a restaurant, night out at the theatre or whatever. Weekends we like to be alone together and snuggle up in front of a Scandi noir!

Chris08 · 08/04/2021 17:38

I don’t entertain at mine because I’m not a confident cook. We take people out when it’s our turn.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 17:40

@Chris08

I don’t entertain at mine because I’m not a confident cook. We take people out when it’s our turn.
The relevant part of your post is our turn. Just how you take your turn is not relevant.
mibbelucieachwell · 08/04/2021 17:46

OP I totally get you.

I know several people who rarely ever have people round, even if they've been to mine. I know this is judged, but I tend to lose a bit of respect for them. All the people I'm thinking of have nice homes. Maybe they're messier than mine , not that my home is more than averagely tidy, but come on, they could bite the bullet and tidy up and then enjoy their home being tidy. I used to enjoy entertaining, less so now as I have less energy, but I still do it, and it's nice to sometimes sit around in someone else's home.

mibbelucieachwell · 08/04/2021 17:46

Judgy not judged.

MRSMARMITE3 · 08/04/2021 17:53

I've got a friend like this!! I've been to her house once in about 3 years but she will regularly come to mine. (Obviously not since lockdown) I didn't use to mind it until I realised it would always be before lunch and she won't leave until till the school run so I have to feed her and her two kids (I've got two of my own at home so can't not do lunch). It's confusing. I don't drive so dont know if that's why but she has said she loves to her out of her house. I have another friend who I try and meet outside because she will come really early but then stay ALL DAY like at 5.30 she's still there sitting on the sofa. I like people but I find it draining having some one in my house 9-6... Bugger off!

Crumpetsforthequeen · 08/04/2021 18:01

My parents were constant hosters, there were always people in our house so our home never felt private. Now I have my own home I hate entertaining as my home is my private space, DH isn't overly social either. Luckily we have a friend that loves having people over so she hosts everything and we don't have to worry about it.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 08/04/2021 18:01

I just don’t like people over at my house. You have no control over when they leave and it feels like an invasion of privacy having anyone here. OH feels the same.

Do you go to other people's houses for meals etc? Fair enough if you don't.

I have friends who never invite anyone over because it's 'too much work and too expensive'.
Yet they accept every invitation offered which is very rude and cheeky in my book. I know another couple who don't like cooking for other people, as they lack of in confidence, but they will invite us over for a takeaway and we always have a lovely time.
I don't invite people over to get an invitation back, but do think it's unreasonable for people to always take and not give back in some way.

Buggersticks · 08/04/2021 18:01

Happened here more often than I care to think. I've had countless friends and relatives over for meals where I've cooked, which I enjoy. But it's never reciprocated. Not even a 'come to ours and we'll order in a takeaway. I don't understand people who just take but never offer... Pissed me off so I stopped doing it.

MummyJ12 · 08/04/2021 18:02

Generally, we’re lucky that all of our friends host us as much as we host them at ours. We all enjoy entertaining, and we don’t keep tally as to whom has entertained but it all kind of just works out.
We do (or maybe did) have a couple of friends who were not returning invites but would always try to instigate get togethers at ours. We started to feel like they were taking advantage, and we stopped inviting them. Haven’t really seen them since. Me and her meet up for lunch or coffee, often with a mutual friend but other than that. Nothing. I think some friends or friendships are just like that and it’s your choice if you want to put up with it. We decided we were better off not seeing them as we had started to feel resentful. We don’t miss them because we’re too busy enjoying ourselves with our less selfish friends!

jwpetal · 08/04/2021 18:03

We have friends like that. They don't host as they get really stressed about number of people and mess. We don't mind it. They are always very generous when they come and we love the company. We have met in parks. If you like them, don't worry about it. Now if they invite others, but not you that is a bit strange

whittingtonmum · 08/04/2021 18:03

I am dropping acquaintances quite quickly if I don't get invited back. I might host a couple of times but if there's no return invitation they won't get invited again - simple as. They don't even get close to becoming friends with that attitude. Of course it's more convenient to never host and only ever go round to other people's but I don't see why I should keep hanging out with people who are only interested in what suits them and are perfectly happy for me to shoulder all the work and all the expense. And no - bringing round a bottle & desert doesn't come close to sharing the expense and the work.

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 08/04/2021 18:11

@junebirthdaygirl - so sorry that that rude, rude person has given you a complex. What an absolute cow.

If it makes you feel any better, DH and I are quite comfortable with hosting but entirely done with putting the effort in for it not to be worth it.

Our staple is now drinks in the garden with masses of cheese & biscuits - loads of different cheese, fancy crackers, chutney, grapes & olives etc. Prepared in advance, wrapped up and pulled out when wanted.

Can't be bothered with all the faffing around I used to do.

MsTSwift · 08/04/2021 18:14

Absolutely Whittington also if after 3 or more visits it’s not reciprocated at all I “get the message” that they are not that bothered about me - fair enough ! I have enough friends who are.

MsTSwift · 08/04/2021 18:16

Anyone else feel rather sorry for crumpets friend who “hosts everything” so crumpet doesn’t have to?! I suspect the poor friend will explode one day!

BrilliantBetty · 08/04/2021 18:35

Of course it's rude not to reciprocate invitations. It's very rude.

They could easily have invited you round for coffee and cake. It doesn't cost much or require a huge amount of effort.

I understand why hosting a full on dinner party is not enjoyable for everyone... but a cup of tea?!

OP drop them. They are dead weighs. Focus on other friends who treat you nicer than these two do.