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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 22:04

@DDIJ

Really? Why do you think that is?

I suspect it is because they are worried I will do something to embarrass them if I see people socially.

Confused
Wallywobbles · 07/04/2021 22:16

@MsTSwift

Also I think relaxed competent hosting is a good skill to model to your children. My mother did thinking about it and all 3 of us are “hosters” not takers.
This is exactly it. Don't model non-hosting to your kids. None of its complicated it's just practice. And if you host regularly you'll become more comfortable with it.

We do host a lot often for large numbers. My good friends do likewise. To be honest they'd not be good friends if they didn't host.

I asked DD(16) yesterday's what she'd cook for an evening meal for friends she managed to come up with a good meal she's capable of cooking. And despite being the eldest she's the least competent cook of all the DC.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/04/2021 22:17

I hate having people in my house, it's my sanctuary so prefer to meet somewhere.

But I'm honest about it with my friends and when it's my turn to "host" wherever we meet I make all the arrangements and I pay.

My friends who like having me over to theirs are fine with this, from their point of view it's no different to coming to my house - they turn up and get fed and watered without any effort on their part still!

WombatChocolate · 07/04/2021 22:43

I agree that being comfortable and confident in hosting comes with practice. It can become a phobia otherwise. And again, it doesn’t have to be full scale dinner parties. Having someone over for 1 hour for a coffee and biscuits is hosting too.

Yes, inviting people out for a meal is lovely. I’ve enjoyed that when people have done it. It feels like a treat. In my mind, friendship is about sharing your life with others. There are different levels of friendship and some people you might see for a coffee and others you might see regularly or for birthday occasions etc and good friendships span many years. People share the good and bad in their lives and ar there for each other. Most people won’t have lots of friends in this category but perhaps just one or a small handful. And if those people could never have me in their house, I’d find it odd to be honest. If they wanted to keep me as a good friend at such a Mrs length that we could only meet in a restaurant I’d feel the friendship itself was a bit arms length. There is something about having people into your home. Yes, it is your special, private place and the opening it up, perhaps just to a couple of people (if it’s something that doesn’t come naturally to you) is a special thing and a giving of yourself. Letting that one or two friends see your home and the way you live is opening yourself up and if you don’t, you essentially just don’t open yourself up to them.

In the end, that’s the bottom line for me. Genuinely strong friendship, which probably is a small circle or just 1 or 2 people thing, and which often lasts over many years, is about sharing your life and it’s reallybha4 to do that if you never let the so-called good friend in your house.

Itsalonghaul · 08/04/2021 07:56

I agree with Wombat, you really only truly get to a know person once you have spent time in their home, surrounded by their treasures and knowing them in a deeper way.
An arms length friendship is not for me at least, a meaningful friendship - it is the McDonalds drive through version. If I have never been inside someone's home I would feel very pushed out, perhaps a little rejected if it was a very good friend and would feel I did not 'know' them very well.
Their home could be palatial or a total tip, it would not matter to me. What would matter is being part of their life for a few hours, and from the pictures, dogs, animals, photos and choices you really understand someone in a much deeper way. If you are uncomfortable with people knowing the real you, and choose to hold people away, then they may develop much stronger ties with others that allow them in.

Friends I only ever see in public and not at home, I consider very outer tier friends. Not ones that are very close to me. My real friends are the ones that see me warts and all, and love me anyway.

NotBabiesForLong · 08/04/2021 09:07

I lost my long post...so saved you from reading it all.....

But

Turning up with a cheap cheesecake from Sainsbury's and cheap bottle of wine does not compensate.

If this is what you do then you are the CF taker who people talk about.

Lots of time, effort and money goes in to preparing, shopping, cooking, cleaning before and after gatherings. Lots and lots.

Make sure your gift to the host matches in terms of thought (home made cake. A particular chocolate that they know your child specifically likes....not expensive, but thought and effort in sourcing. Not just cheesecake picked up from the local garage on their wayover)

It is great fun to socialise, it is great for the kids to socialise.

Yes, I would love to be waitered on. So sometimes it is my turn to be guest.

My kids are grown up now, and we totated the hosting of lovely party, informal gatherings with a couple of other families. But gradually, over the years, the couples who never ever reciprocate ever, and turn up with cheesecake. Yes, you do get spoken about and you drop off the invite list.

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 09:50

Oh ffs. I have never ever crossed anyone off my guest list because of a shop bought cheese cake, or empty hands. You do not speak for me.

TheWaif · 08/04/2021 09:53

@NotBabiesForLong

I lost my long post...so saved you from reading it all.....

But

Turning up with a cheap cheesecake from Sainsbury's and cheap bottle of wine does not compensate.

If this is what you do then you are the CF taker who people talk about.

Lots of time, effort and money goes in to preparing, shopping, cooking, cleaning before and after gatherings. Lots and lots.

Make sure your gift to the host matches in terms of thought (home made cake. A particular chocolate that they know your child specifically likes....not expensive, but thought and effort in sourcing. Not just cheesecake picked up from the local garage on their wayover)

It is great fun to socialise, it is great for the kids to socialise.

Yes, I would love to be waitered on. So sometimes it is my turn to be guest.

My kids are grown up now, and we totated the hosting of lovely party, informal gatherings with a couple of other families. But gradually, over the years, the couples who never ever reciprocate ever, and turn up with cheesecake. Yes, you do get spoken about and you drop off the invite list.

Eurgh, I've never not wanted to go to anyone's dinner party ever again so much in my life. What a disgusting snob.
longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 10:07

What a shite article. That really is scraping the barrel.

NotBabiesForLong · 08/04/2021 10:08

Longest lurker ever and The Waif.

I totally disagree. The quick cheap garage purchase on the way over is the equivalent of the DH who buys last minute flowers and the shell garage.

Thought is all that is required.

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 10:17

I absolutely detest the idea that friendship can only be expressed through the medium of commerce. Or even home made baking. I've said the same on Christmas threads. There are many ways to be a good friend. Hosting a lavish party is one. I think actually turning up to said party can be another - sometimes it's not what the guest actually fancies, and is actually a bit inconvenient, but they know it's important to the host so they put themselves out. If I've invited someone to something it's because I want them to come and I'm pleased if they do. There really is no other expectation. If they are takers and users in life generally they wouldn't be on my invitation list at all. I do know what you mean about the "group" thing if someone doesn't take their turn but it's not important enough to lose any sleep over.

NotBabiesForLong · 08/04/2021 10:45

Longestlurkerever I agree.

Being a good friends can be shown I many ways. Not just monetary.

FortunesFave · 08/04/2021 10:48

I am very insecure about my hosting skills! I can cook well but plain food only. You know---a roast or bolognaise or whatever. I never know what music to put on because my tastes are weird!

Doje · 08/04/2021 10:54

This winds me up too.

Pre-covid I would always be the host. Mostly informal, cup of tea pre-baby group, post baby group. Maybe lunch after we'd been out. Also BBQ's in the garden etc. All very informal, but people would hardly ever reciprocate! I don't understand it at all. I don't feel people judge me or my house, I certainly wouldn't judge anyone (beyond a certain level of hygiene standards!) so why not offer out an invite?! It's just polite isn't it? And just makes sense, if you're making lunch for 3, why not add a couple in? If you're going home for a cuppa, why not invite someone to join you?

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 11:31

@NotBabiesForLong

Longest lurker ever and The Waif.

I totally disagree. The quick cheap garage purchase on the way over is the equivalent of the DH who buys last minute flowers and the shell garage.

Thought is all that is required.

But why does the thought have to relate to what kind of chocolate you eat and so on? Who knows or cares? Why can't it be about remembering you had a job interview today and wishing you luck, or remembering to ask after your poorly dog or offering to take the kids out to give you a break when you're having building work, or just turning up and giving you a laugh when you're feeling a bit down about something? The idea that unless you are able to express friendship through the narrow confines of "able to choose acceptable dinner party gift" you are a waste of an invitation feels wrong to me.
TheWaif · 08/04/2021 12:17

Aside from the snobbish comments about the supermarket cheesecake, the implication that your party is the bombest event of the century and people are going to be crying into their cheap wine because they will no longer be crowned with the golden ticket invite is equally repulsive.

This is a massive part of why I hate dinner parties. It's all showing off, sneering and bitchiness.

MsTSwift · 08/04/2021 12:18

Nice try but doing all those things does not cancel out consistently accepting unlimited hospitality and not reciprocating! Love the blaggers now trying to infer that the hosts are actually grabby materialistic gits who measure out each social interaction 🙄

NotBabiesForLong · 08/04/2021 12:24

Crikey, my post referred to "informal gatherings", BBQs etc. Not specifically dinner parties.

I also posted about repeat attenders who categorical do not return the invite or put ANY thought into anything.

Because I totally agree, having your kids over on occasion, keeping you company when unwell, etc etc. There are a whole manner of things that can be seen as being "thoughtful" but these people do none of them.

These people exist.

Eventually it wears thin and the invites dry up.

malificent7 · 08/04/2021 12:36

Hopefully COVID has taught us that social events should not be forced...

longestlurkerever · 08/04/2021 12:55

Yeah, whatever. In many contexts I am the host. I just can't imagine, when I am, inviting anyone I wouldn't be pleased to see. This all seems a bit hard work. Ok so some people are thoughtless clowns in life. Why are you spending so much time with them, fretting about the many ways in which they are failing to meet your expectations? They don't really owe you anything, or you them.

GreyhoundG1rl · 08/04/2021 13:04

@MsTSwift

Nice try but doing all those things does not cancel out consistently accepting unlimited hospitality and not reciprocating! Love the blaggers now trying to infer that the hosts are actually grabby materialistic gits who measure out each social interaction 🙄
Exactly 🤣🤣🤣. We see you...
Crosstrainer · 08/04/2021 13:25

I see it like this: it’s nicer to get together with friends in a more informal setting, especially if you all have kids. It’s okay in a restaurant, but a lot less relaxed. Even if you don’t mind/enjoy hosting, it involves work, shopping and clearing up. So it’s only fair to share that work and expense. Even people who like hosting will usually enjoy/prefer being a guest. I think “my home is for me” mentality is pretty rich if you’re happy to go to the homes of others and accept their hospitality.

TheWaif · 08/04/2021 13:47

I don't go to events at people's houses at all because of this kind of shit, so no cheapness from me! Keep your hours of prep and thousands of pounds for the ungrateful chosen Grin

LettyLoman · 08/04/2021 13:52

I don't like having people at my house. I never invite doorstoppers in and if I should host a coffee I say my toilets broken so they have to go home.

I had NCT friends round for catch up when babies were weeks old and i was horrified (yes breathless) that a mum had taken herself off to my bedroom to feed her baby. Why not sit in the nursery? or one of the other rooms in the house????