Page 13 | Never invited back?

Lockdownlumpy · 2021-04-06T22:17:45+00:00

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house. We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated. Anyone else have friends like this?

Crosstrainer · 07/04/2021 18:49

@MsTSwift

In my next life I will be a CF blagger and sit back while others pour my wine 😁

😂😂😂

longestlurkerever · 07/04/2021 18:52

Do people never see it the other way round though? Particularly when people live the other side of the country or when DC are small and it's not very easy to disrupt their routines, and you suggest a meet up and it's all a bit "why don't you come here?" And you feel a bit like you're always the one that has to go to the effort of the long drive and chasing the kids out of the door? I know my parents used to feel like this about their families, it was always expected that we would go there.

museumum · 07/04/2021 19:00

If hosting is such a favour and hard work why offer when the group often goes out to eat instead and everyone is happy with going out??? Why chip in with “oh no come to our house” when what you actually mean is “and if you agree to this your indebted and we now have to go to your house next”?

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 07/04/2021 19:36

@longestlurkerever

Do people never see it the other way round though? Particularly when people live the other side of the country or when DC are small and it's not very easy to disrupt their routines, and you suggest a meet up and it's all a bit "why don't you come here?" And you feel a bit like you're always the one that has to go to the effort of the long drive and chasing the kids out of the door? I know my parents used to feel like this about their families, it was always expected that we would go there.

If it’s such an effort to go on the long drive, the very simple and obvious solution is inviting people to your place instead.

I am so glad we don’t have any CF takers in our life. Our friends all get it, and it’s all very reciprocal and fairly exchanged.

Can’t believe some of the stories on this thread.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 19:38

Invite a jolly group of 6 5 of whom reciprocate number 6 never does. But still comes! She will be here tonight!!!!! But how can I say you can all come but you can’t blagger?!

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 19:41

@MsTSwift

Invite a jolly group of 6 5 of whom reciprocate number 6 never does. But still comes! She will be here tonight!!!!! But how can I say you can all come but you can’t blagger?!

Maybe prime one of the more forthright of your friends to say "Your turn next Jenny!. Shall we make arrangements now?" at the end of the evening?

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 19:43

As the door slammed dd1 then aged about 6 said “well let’s hope we never have to see them again”

Your dd definitely had the right idea! What a cracker - she must think you are bonkers to continue with this madness of feral kids and wretched parents.

My dear friend who rarely hosts if ever, once look horrified at me and asked me why on earth I do this when we both stood observing the chocolate splatted walls from a well intentioned chocolate fountain. The handprints and footprints were everywhere, and it was literally on the kitchen ceiling.
The neighbours dog was in the garden dry humping my dog, we couldn't account for all of the kids because three of them were in the bedroom (complete with their chocolate hands and munching sticky apples that we were using with the fountain) watching a 15 dvd I am still not sure where that came from. It was utter carnage. The magician came and asked for a glass of wine as soon as he arrived, looking at my kitchen I was not surprised. By then I was feeling the wrong side of frazzled. Yeah, I can see why you might not want this in your lovely homes.

At pick up one parent whilst necking her second glass of my fine wine collection said to me 'This house is triggering my OCD?!' WTAF!

I was twitching with the effort not to tell her that the place didn't cover itself in sodding chocolate, and I am not Willy Wonker and she must never darken my door again. My dd said 'yes! that was the best party ever!' So thats okay then Said OCD person is now a great friend and talks of the evening in a loving fashion.

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 19:48

The ‘friends’ I don’t want to host came round to my house when my DD1 was born and let their DC look under the sofa and laughed indulgently when they said how messy my house was, they are clean freaks. I don’t want them round to judge me again and I would tell them that if they were my friends as opposed to my husbands. I have hosted friends on plenty of occasions even though I find it very stressful, I also found it stressful being in their houses when the Dc were young as they could never properly relax, I’d prefer to leave the kids with our DH’s and go out.

longestlurkerever · 07/04/2021 19:57

@smellsLikeWineIGuess. I guess what I mean is I definitely get the vibe from some people that they prefer being the host. They find journeys stressful and they hate, for example, staying overnight in someone else's house. With these people I definitely do more of the traveling and they do more of the hosting. I don't think I'm a CF because where the dynamic is different I do more of the hosting. I definitely prefer it if my DM or MIL comes here for example. It's so much more relaxed and we don't have to flog for hours up the motorway. But obviously that's a bit one sided too so sometimes we go there. Obviously the happiest equilibrium is if someone prefers hosting and someone prefers traveling and it would be a shame if such mutually beneficial arrangements were disrupted because one side feels like a CF after reading this thread. Or if friendships suffer because one or both sides is labouring under a false assumption about another's preference. I just don't think it's as black and white as perpetual guest = cheeky fucker. Communication feels like the winner here

HumunaHey · 07/04/2021 19:58

If it's such an effort to go on the long drive, the very simple and obvious solution is inviting people to your place instead.

Well that's just it though, some people much prefer hosting.So they do. And offer to do so again and again. But it's strange behaviour to constantly invite people round if you feel resentful about it.

Much of my friends who ALWAYS invite people back to theirs are the ones who don't drive funnily enough. I can appreciate that, for some of them, coming to my house would mean two buses or a pricey taxi. The two buses would take over 1.5 hour to get home. If I drive, it's 30 mins. Some of them have young children who they much prefer to send up to bed in the evening rather than get a babysitter for.

It's different strokes for different folks. I just can't understand this continuing to invite people around when you're secretly majorly pissed off about it.

Bagamoyo1 · 07/04/2021 20:04

I still don’t get it. If people begrudge hosting, and feel they are doing their guests a favour - then why bother? It’s not compulsory you know.

I have a couple of friends who come round (separately, and pre C of course) intermittently. I don’t like cooking, so one of us buys ready meal type food, or we order a takeaway. There’s no law that states that all contacts with friends must involve 3 courses round a dining table.

As someone already said, I hate the thought that the hosts I’ve known are simmering with resentment at us CFs who apparently haven’t reciprocated . I’m more than happy to never be invited to someone’s house for a meal ever again. It’s fine with me! Maybe the “CFs” you mention feel the same...

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 20:16

Bagamoyo1

There’s no law that states that all contacts with friends must involve 3 courses round a dining table.
where in the thread did you see anyone saying that?

It was specifically said that reciprocating with a bbq, or pizza party or anything else "counts".

The whole point is not leaving all the work to the same person!

If you have friends around, then you are reciprocating...
What do you find so confusing?

Igotfiveonit · 07/04/2021 20:22

@GoldSlipper

I could be your friend lol!

I just don’t like people over at my house. You have no control over when they leave and it feels like an invasion of privacy having anyone here. OH feels the same.

I’ll be honest I find comments like this strange.

Also how did you and your other half ever date? Did you not find each other being at your homes an “invasion of privacy”?

longestlurkerever · 07/04/2021 20:31

Even then though, it does depend. I have a friend with a lot of money, a giant house, no kids, glam lifestyle. He loves hosting. I know this, because he said he now has a bubble family and is happy again because he can host, get his recipe books out etc. He has twice yearly lavish parties with butlers and so forth. I will likely never in my life throw such a party. I invite him here sometimes, but really I can tell that flogging through the suburbs to my terraced house covered in kid stuff doesn't really float his boat. He's coming to be polite. Wtf is the point? We might as well meet in town at a restaurant where I don't feel judged and he doesn't feel like he's slumming it in the burbs, so that's what we generally do. I refuse to believe that this means I should never accept an invitation to one of his lavish parties again. I know he hates it when people can't come.

SpaceOp · 07/04/2021 20:34

I have a friend who has a very very very wealthy sister who is also much older than her. She told me once, and it's always stuck with me, that she can't buy and do the things for her sister that she gets from her, but that she tries by thinking of lovely things to do for her or sometimes just insisting on paying for the smaller things. It came up because my friend was really touched when her sister told her once how important it was to her that she wasn't just taken for granted. I know her sister a little because of weddings/hen parties/ baby showers etc and I can totally understand that - she's very generous and kind, but it's not just about money because she really makes an effort and I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to expect her loved ones to do the same.

And that's why I get annoyed when I invite people all the time and never get anything back. It doesn't have to be like for like. But if we've slipped into this thing where you come to my house every single time, then you need to start bringing over some food or some drinks or something.

VestaTilley · 07/04/2021 20:37

We used to host a lot for lunch and dinners before DC and Covid. Over the years we reduced hosting to people who would host back, as I was getting resentful at those who barely reciprocated.

We also used to throw parties, and enjoyed it, but cut that back as hardly anyone used to throw them in return. We got the impression people liked coming to our parties but didn’t want the hassle of hosting their own. That’s completely fine, but I don’t see why DH and I should go to all the trouble and expense, so we were cutting it down then had DS, which put paid to it anyway.

Much as I love it, I’m not sure it’s something we’ll go back to in a big way once DS is older, with the exception maybe of milestone birthdays. It’s really not fair when people come to every party you throw but never return the courtesy.

SmellsLikeWineIGuess · 07/04/2021 21:16

I honestly think that, generally, it does shake down.

If people never reciprocate invitations, then they eventually will dry up.

The reason people invite others to their house is because they like company, making and having friends, having a convivial time over food and maybe some wine. Or cake and coffee. Or takeaways. Whatever.

For the perennially reclusive, this is obviously just such a bizarre, foreign concept that you can’t get your heads around it.

I don’t mind hosting - in fact, I do enjoy it. But don’t think for a minute that the effort and cost is insignificant. It’s not.

But I do it, because I love getting together with my friends, and I love being invited back to their places.

Importantly, I also want my DC (who are also very social) growing up in the sorts of families DH and I grew up in - old friends coming and going, get-togethers, good times, memories.

I want them to be well-equipped to be good hosts, and guests, when they’re adults. And to get the social ‘rules’, as such.

If you resent the invitations from the more gregarious out there, don’t worry. They will soon dry up, and you can happily stay home, shutting out the world, enjoying your treasured privacy, into perpetuity....

Lemmeout · 07/04/2021 21:22

I have friends like this. When I realised I stopped inviting them, thinking perhaps I had always offered so it just went that way. Oh no she invited herself to mine, never invites me to hers. I am quite resentful now actually because she sits on her arse and doesn’t move for hours like she’s in a restaurant.

Itsokthanks · 07/04/2021 21:26

If they like meeting you in restaurants or coming to your house I wouldn't worry. I really don't like entertaining and it makes me anxious so maybe that's the case with them?

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 21:26

@SmellsLikeWineIGuess