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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Never invited back?

519 replies

Lockdownlumpy · 06/04/2021 23:17

We have some couple friends that we have known for around 10 years. Over the years we've all moved house a few times. During a discussion with my OH today we realised that although we have hosted the other couple many times for drinks/lunch/dinner/ parties in all our houses (obv not much the last year thanks to covid) we have only been to their house once, for a birthday party. Whenever they suggest a catch up they either want to meet out somewhere or they say they are happy to come to us. Their house is a similar size to ours, nicely decorated and they are tidy people so I doubt they aren't inviting because of the house.
We get on well and enjoy their company but starting to wonder if it's odd that the invitations are never reciprocated.
Anyone else have friends like this?

OP posts:
menopause59 · 07/04/2021 14:33

Some people just don't like having parties at their home. I found myself in a similar situation. Because we always enjoyed hosting people would just presume it would be us who was hosting, but because of this I started to enjoy it less and less. Covid has been a nice break and this new years eve was amazing just my little family of 4. I may never host a party again

Palavah · 07/04/2021 14:36

Paying your way when meeting out for drinks/food/entertainment is not the same as reciprocating hospitality offered to you by others in their home.

To reciprocate you'd need to be inviting them for a drink/meal/film and paying their way too.

stackemhigh · 07/04/2021 14:37

@Itsalonghaul

She isn't much of a friend at all. She used to be, but she has changed over the years. She has become grabby and a social climber of the highest order. I am not sure she even cares about friends she just want 'invites' similar to 'likes' it is all for show now on SM. Ten years ago she was lovely and a super friend, and I have tried to ignore the CF behaviour hoping it would improve, but no....it has got worse!
It would stick in my craw feeding and watering her...ditch!
thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 14:41

One quite good friend never gets invited anymore as she always makes a judgey comment about our house. I can't be doing with silly little digs.

that's more than fair enough!

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 14:46

Yes absolutely menopause - I think Covid may be a reset. Can’t help but smirk as the CFs see their invites dry up as the hosters realise they actually have more fun for less effort without them! 😁

longestlurkerever · 07/04/2021 14:51

This is a slightly depressing thread. You don't like hosting so you just don't do it? Ack.

It's depressing all round. I find the idea of those who host but are simmering with resentment about the cost and lack of recriprocity a bit depressing too. I don't mean those who are frazzled and stressed but doing their best to give friends a good time because they feel it's their turn, but rather those who keep inviting people but then clocking how much they drink/whether it exceeds the value of the gift they brought and so on. If you invite people, do it with good grace.

HikeForward · 07/04/2021 14:55

I am a very uncomfortable host. I am a decent enough cook, but definitely not a restaurant chef, which seems to be expected with some people. And whilst people say 'we come to see tou, not your house, ' I still feel judged. My house is definitely not 'stylish'

Some of your friends may also feel uncomfortable hosting and think their cooking isn’t up to scratch, but they still make the effort. Do you judge true friends on how stylish their house is? Most people don’t care. It comes across as a bit odd if you always accept invitations yet never reciprocate. Wine and flowers is expected, but doesn’t compensate for never hosting in return.

MsTSwift · 07/04/2021 14:58

I’m not strictly tit for tat but with one couple we realised they had eaten here 5 times and not invited us to theirs once! Binned.

HikeForward · 07/04/2021 15:01

I have 4 kids and it's a lot to feed 6 extra people

Is it really about feeding extra kids or are the kids boisterous/noisy/interrupt/upset their cousins?
Is their garden/house too small to accommodate a large family?

RandomLondoner · 07/04/2021 15:01

I don't want anyone around my house. If you invite me to yours, I will go, but only because I'm not quick-witted enough to think of an excuse not to. The idea that by inviting me you've done me a favour that I need to reciprocate does not compute.

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 15:01

It would stick in my craw feeding and watering her...ditch!

Yes I think so stack as hard as it will be! Ditch it is going to have to be!

I too think covid has been a big reset, and many of us just haven't got the energy for leeches anymore. I am quite jealous of menopause who has just decided enough is enough, drawn up the bridge.

I also note the suspected CF on the thread, as they will say well just don't do it anymore. Answer: no we won't, and you can arrange your own summer BBQs or sit indoors all summer!

I have lots of friends who only like hosting at home (so they can stay to 2am I suspect) and I find that most tricky as I am the only one that doesn't like it. I need to find some friends like you lot!! Grin

DarkMatterA2Z · 07/04/2021 15:05

With children you have to make the effort. It's lovely for kids to be able to invite their friends home. My DM never encouraged me to invite my friends home (too stressed, house too untidy etc.) and I think that made childhood friendships more difficult for me. I was a shy child and would have benefited a lot from having friends to play in a one-on-one or small group situation. Pre-Covid, we had friends for my DC around most weeks. Yes, small children trash the place and it was a pain tidying up for them coming (and having to tidy again when they left Confused), but my DC loved it. Especially if you have an only child, you just have to suck it up as a parent, I think. Apart from the tidying, it wasn't much effort - tea and coffee for the parents, and a plate of cake and fruit for the kids. Whether we'll bother so much when our DC has left home or be content to become unsociable hermits, I'm not sure Grin!

haliborangemrmen · 07/04/2021 15:08

@SuperintendentHastings

To the PP who suggested you shouldn't accept if you don't wish to reciprocate, that's easier said than done. People can be quite pushy and determined, especially if they have planned their table to have a certain number of couples, and need you to balance up the numbers. I'd much rather not accept but sometimes get bullied into it.

Ah come on that's a bit of a cop out @haliborangemrmen. If your friends 'bully' you into accepting then they're not really your friends at all are they? I have a friend that I always used to ask and she said that it just wasn't her thing, so that's fine! Stop making silly excuses and just tell them politely. Keep repeating it until they hear you.

Funnily enough telling them politely was the very first thing I thought of. Imagine! I actually worked that out all by myself. I'd agree they probably aren't my friends. They are people who want me as a contact, or to be able to say they know me. Probably because of where I live etc.

My real friends know that I'm quite happy to host a BBQ but hell will freeze over before I get into the horror that is the dinner party circuit.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/04/2021 15:09

@RandomLondoner

I don't want anyone around my house. If you invite me to yours, I will go, but only because I'm not quick-witted enough to think of an excuse not to. The idea that by inviting me you've done me a favour that I need to reciprocate does not compute.
Don't be daft. A simple No thanks will suffice, they're not laying a trap for you. You sound a bit odd thinking you need to outwit people rather than say what's on your mind, frankly.
DarkMatterA2Z · 07/04/2021 15:17

If you invite me to yours, I will go, but only because I'm not quick-witted enough to think of an excuse not to.

And that will be your downfall. No doubt you will end up being made into pies a la Mrs Lovett or, even worse, having to endure warm white wine and Iceland frozen mozzarella sticks. All for want of a polite excuse. Maybe make a run for it when your host pops to the loo?

tunnocksreturns2019 · 07/04/2021 15:18

I’m a widowed parent but host far far more often than I’m ever invited.

I don’t mind; I’m good at it, and the kids love the company, as do I. Now covid rules have relaxed a bit I had friends over for homemade waffles in the garden for elevenses today. We had a lovely time.

I’ve also had six kids here overnight on my own several times over lockdown (our bubble family) Grin

My late DH could cook amazing roasts and we used to host awesome dinners. I’m more of a baker so it’s more likely to be a chilli already prepped in advance and a rhubarb crumble made with homegrown rhubarb. Can’t wait until I can get back to my big pancake parties on shrove Tuesday Grin

Come on over, you’re all welcome Grin

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:20

Have you got in the habit of entertaining at home to negate the need for babysitters? I much prefer to go out, didnt particularly want to go to someone’s house pre Covid and no I never want to not go out again 😂😂😂

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:23

My DH’s friends always invite us round once a year for a party and alternate houses, I’ve never hosted for several reasons and one of the women in the group has started to passive aggressively complain about it but I’d be more than happy not to have to go the party at all sooo.

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 15:26

@longestlurkerever

This is a slightly depressing thread. You don't like hosting so you just don't do it? Ack.

It's depressing all round. I find the idea of those who host but are simmering with resentment about the cost and lack of recriprocity a bit depressing too. I don't mean those who are frazzled and stressed but doing their best to give friends a good time because they feel it's their turn, but rather those who keep inviting people but then clocking how much they drink/whether it exceeds the value of the gift they brought and so on. If you invite people, do it with good grace.

Oh come on, most normal people don't keep a tally, but there comes a point when it's obvious you are being taken for a ride.

Most people seem to feel they have to make their house "visitor-ready",and all hosts need to plan, to buy food and drink, prepare the food, entertain the guests, then clean after.

Hosting takes time and effort, and if you are genuine friends, you take turn, so the usual host can put their feet up once in a while.

On which planet is it considered normal to leave all the work to the same person all the time?

Itsalonghaul · 07/04/2021 15:28

All those playdates and agonising small talks with parents and now my teens have turned into grunting anti social hermits anyway!! I find it soul destroying - seriously - as a minimum they should be social butterflies with impeccable manners Grin!!

(that was a joke before I get jumped!)

fembot you sound delightful! Wine You are not my friend are you?!

thebillyotea · 07/04/2021 15:28

Fembot123
you were still happy to enjoy the free food and drink for years apparently.. If it's a once a year event, it's more than easy to find a reason to decline if you really didn't want to go.

people work, have commitments, only on MN are you supposed to be available for any event at any date.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 07/04/2021 15:30

We have a set of friends that we never host. We live in a very small house with no space for guests basically. If they come to us, they have to drove home.
We go to the and we all stay in their very large house. Everyone has a drink and enjoys themselves.

We always take gifts such as a case of wine and we help with cooking etc.

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:30

@thebillyotea

Fembot123 you were still happy to enjoy the free food and drink for years apparently.. If it's a once a year event, it's more than easy to find a reason to decline if you really didn't want to go.

people work, have commitments, only on MN are you supposed to be available for any event at any date.

No free food, we all split the cost of that and brought our own alcohol so there 😆 My DH wants to go, I’m there for him and that’s it.
Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:33

@Itsalonghaul

All those playdates and agonising small talks with parents and now my teens have turned into grunting anti social hermits anyway!! I find it soul destroying - seriously - as a minimum they should be social butterflies with impeccable manners Grin!!

(that was a joke before I get jumped!)

fembot you sound delightful! Wine You are not my friend are you?!

They aren’t my friends so if you aren’t either then you may well be 😘
Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:39

Plus I hardly think the situation I’ve described matches that of you and your ‘friend’ 😂