His Money, His Decision.

[lealea6366]

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

[LittleTiger007]

It’s a difficult one. I mean he sounds impossible - but didn’t you agree to this when you married him and agreed to ‘til death do us part’?

I work from home. My husband buys the bug stuff with me. I trust his technical know how and he values my opinion. We discuss what we’d both want and look within our budget. These decisions are based on the way we as a pair chose for our relationship to work.
Did you want him to do it all and make the decisions ... then somewhere along the line have got fed up of that and changed your mind?

I know some men are controlling, but at what point did you hand him the control? I guess that’s what I’m asking. I’d sit him down and point out that the relationship has become unbalanced and things need to change.

[sst1234]

This is an age old problem that keeps appearing. Women need to avail the rights acquired through decades of struggle and must not give up the privilege of being financially independent. Being a stay at home parent is no badge of honor. No matter what anyone says, it cannot and will not be equal to going out and earning a wage.

[SunshineCake]

Not at all @LemonRoses.

[JackieTheFart]

YANBU.

I’m the breadwinner, but no, our large purchases are always discussed.

My dad was like your husband - either he bought the cheapest possible item as he wasn’t going to use it and wasn’t interested, or he spent hours researching on his own and then bought with no input from mum.

He and mum are not together anymore.

[Bluntness100]

Agree with everyone saying this is financial abuse and controlling behaviour.

I don’t think thr op is coming back, but I think you can only be financially abused if you permit it or live in circumstances where you have no other options.

If the op has older or adult kids she is not a stay at home mum. And has not been for a very long time. As such, unless there is a drip feed coming then it’s on her to say “I’m not having this shit” and get a job, not put up with it for decades, dislike it, but find it preferable to working.

There’s a very not so subtle message from her husband in there about her not earning.

[RufustheSniggeringReindeer]

Yanbu

Dh earns the money but when it comes to big purchases I usually make the initial decision, sometimes i find the best two and we can then decide together

[elaboratethen]

OP I've read a few of your previous threads, some of them on a similar vein. Your children are in their twenties, and it appears you do work on a part time basis. ( unless the backstory was changed for personal reasons)
All the more reason to stand up for yourself, do not put up with this nonsense. Stand on your own two feet and make your own purchases.

[learieonthewildmoor]

What is wrong with these men? It was a matter of pride for my dad that my mum bought what she wanted to run the house. “Only the best for Nana” he would say when reminiscing about it. My friend’s dad was similar. “Whatever you want love” was how he responded when his wife wanted to make a purchase. Where’s the trust and love between partners?

[JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil]

‘What is wrong with these men? It was a matter of pride for my dad that my mum bought what she wanted to run the house. “Only the best for Nana” he would say when reminiscing about it. My friend’s dad was similar. “Whatever you want love” was how he responded when his wife wanted to make a purchase. Where’s the trust and love between partners?’

Sorry but this also sounds sexist to me. The kind of man who would give you some notes out of his wallet and tell you to ‘get something pretty’ or won’t let you buy a drink in the pub as people may talk about him not being able to look after his ‘bird’.

[Briarshollow]

@LittleBearPad

SAHM mum here - I’m the “procurement manager” for the household.

Please don’t do this job title thing in real life. It’s immensely tedious.

I always feel sad when I see things like this on CVs. Raising children is a legitimate thing, domestic tasks don’t need to be given a rather tragic executive spin to make them seem more valuable.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

@elaboratethen

OP I've read a few of your previous threads, some of them on a similar vein. Your children are in their twenties, and it appears you do work on a part time basis. ( unless the backstory was changed for personal reasons)
All the more reason to stand up for yourself, do not put up with this nonsense. Stand on your own two feet and make your own purchases.

So not a SAHM at all.

[Londonmummy66]

His money, his decision, his chores to do with them then.

[Longdistance]

His attitude stinks and so does his choice in appliances.

[NeverDropYourMoonCup]

That rather depends on whether or not he cares which machines he has. And whether, if he had expressed a preference, you ignored him and just bought what YOU wanted to anyway without discussion

He wants the absolute cheapest one in the world in all cases without exception other than the laptop he chose, which strangely happened to be double the cost of mine

When I'm working and paying for the luxuries in life - like a washing machine or vacuum cleaner (or bedding rather than a bare mattress and no pillowcases), I think I'm also quite entitled to decide whether I want to be spending out more on constant replacements/something that is barely/not fit for purpose or to just bite the bullet and get something less likely to self destruct on the second use or will actually do a decent job of the function it's supposed to perform.



If I am the arsehole, that's fine. I'm also an arsehole who at least has a microwave that isn't arcing/sparking in use, a couple of decent pans and knives, clean clothes and clean floors. And I have dry feet in winter. The Vimes Boots theory explains my point of view on this. He does actually often complain of cold, wet feet in winter, too.

[Ohdeariedear]

@Briarshollow I’ll repeat again, ‘procurement manager’ was a joke, hence the ‘ ‘. I clearly need to work on my delivery...

[ButIcantsitonleather]

[quote Ohdeariedear]@Briarshollow I’ll repeat again, ‘procurement manager’ was a joke, hence the ‘ ‘. I clearly need to work on my delivery...[/quote]
I didn’t realise you were joking I’ll admit, but I was actually responding more to @LittleBearPad ‘s comment. It is something I have had on CVs and they don’t need to. Being a SAHP is valuable and I personally don’t think people don’t need to try to put a spin on it when they try to get back into work. That’s all I was saying.

[Ohdeariedear]

I can’t believe people put that on CVs but I accept that clearly they do. Anyway, it’s a long running in-joke in our house that clearly is only funny to us. 🤣

[LittleBearPad]

@ButIcantsitonleather I agree - people decide to become to SAHP for all sorts of reasons. They don’t need to ascribe corporate job titles to whatever they’ve been doing to make it look more impressive - own your choice!

@Ohdeariedear Sorry I didn’t realise you were joking.

[Ohdeariedear]

@LittleBearPad this thread has made me realise perhaps my sense of humour is unique to me 🤦‍♀️😂

[RufustheSniggeringReindeer]

@Ohdeariedear

I can’t believe people put that on CVs but I accept that clearly they do. Anyway, it’s a long running in-joke in our house that clearly is only funny to us. 🤣

I thought it was a joke...

Back in the day my brother used to call himself a vision technician

He washed windows 😀

[jwpetal]

That is sad and controlling. I would suggest a conversation with him and how your family works. Many people are suggesting that you go back to work. Then what? Do both full time work then handle the home. Whatever you decide to do, a discussion regarding finances and how the home is run is paramount. I am a SAHM and we work together on the finances and our long term goals. I have access to all accounts. I know some say that you should have different accounts, but we see his earnings as our earnings. We had children together. It was a joint decision. He could not do his job without me or paying someone to do it. So as some have said, I deep discussion about what you want and need is priority. My suggestion is to set an time/date with him (not spur of the moment) to discuss finances and how decisions are made. Set the time and date and stick with it. Come prepared and ready.

[Neilyweily]

He's an idiot, plain and simple.

All household decisions are a mutual meeting and compromise, regardless of how the money is brought into the house.

My wife is disabled currently and can't see very well, I control all of the household decisions and most of them don't affect her as she is currently bed bound.

I still go through almost every decision with her no matter how trivial, it's called being married.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

I’m a SAHM even though youngest is 10 now! DH is dole earner but I purchase all white goods, kids clothes, birthday gifts etc . The only purchases I discuss with him and we decide together are holidays and property. It’s not his money. It’s both of yours. 50% is yours whether he likes it or not! Your work in the home is making his life nice and comfy and that service isn’t free!

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

Sole earner!!!not dole😂

[conjourbonjour]

Get a job then? I don’t see the problem