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AIBU?

His Money, His Decision.

245 replies

lealea6366 · 06/04/2021 04:51

I am bloody furious.
This is a question for STAHM or those who don't work full time and their husband's/partner makes the household purchases.
I am in this category and unfortunately do not have the financial means to make these large household purchases.
In the past year, my DH has made some purchases, a dishwasher and a new oven and both times did not consult me on what I would like re brand or specific functions. I didn't even know he bought them until they came home. I'm the one that uses them and didn't get a say. Now he's come home with a new vacuum cleaner, a brand that I do not want. I've done my research, weighed the pros and con's and chose a brand that I thought would do the job but DH has bought the first one he saw in the store. Does anyone else's DH/partner do this or do you get a say?
I'm not going to ask if I'm being unreasonable because I really don't think I am.

OP posts:

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Am I being unreasonable?

1681 votes. Final results.

POLL

You are being unreasonable

7%

You are NOT being unreasonable

93%

bigmumsymcgraw · 07/04/2021 18:00

Get a job and be financially independent! Couldnt live like this.

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Lucyk1 · 07/04/2021 18:02

My husband gives me an allowance each month to take care of all that. Sit down and work out how much he earns and minus what needs to be paid and what's left over. Then come to some sort of arrangement where money is split better.

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TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 18:04

If he was like that from the beginning of the marriage I'd have divorced him long ago. Now, I think you need to get back to work. He's a twat.

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Pinkfluff76 · 07/04/2021 18:05

He’s being a twat. Sorry OP

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ConnieCaterpillar70 · 07/04/2021 18:10

He chooses the appliances, then he uses them.

Simples.

Then maybe next time, he'll consult your opinion.

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Whatamess582 · 07/04/2021 18:10

so..,. Researching cost per use and weight of hoovers and spin speeds or whatever is on a par with drilling into my own skull and driving a skewer into my grey matter. So I wouldn’t give a crap honestly. As long as it matches the decor, fits the space, and does what it says it should then I’m happy.

But our dryer broke last year and all I had to do was be in when the delivery turned up. He had bought it organised delivery and installation. Because... well I would have hung my washing out rather than spend all day working out what I should buy.

We are married. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. I get a say if I want a say. If I said emphatically ‘no’ he wouldn’t buy something and vice versa. But mostly we don’t really fuss. I’m not a house wife as such... the house is not ‘my domain’. I would rather be our living than worrying what hoover the cleaner uses to hoover the house.

One exception. I bought a SMEG kettle and toaster against his wishes and was a bit ‘I drink tea and coffee and you don’t, so zip it’. He wanted a Bodum or Kenwood one. He now huffs everytime i boil the kettle as it sounds like an airplane taking off.... but it’s so pretty I don’t mind.

Don’t worry about such small insignificant things. Get out and enjoy your life instead of worrying which household appliances you own and who bought them.

If it’s was something I cared about like a beautiful piece of furniture I wanted we would discuss it and agree together but washing machines and ovens... couldn’t care less and I’m grateful someone else will spend the time doing it. I have much more interesting fulfilling things to do.

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mylifestory · 07/04/2021 18:12

he bought it so he can use it - the hoover, the oven, the dishwasher etc as he doesnt consider them to be yours ....

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jules0607 · 07/04/2021 18:12

Lived with someone like this, he even had a tantrum in a store (& stormed out) when we were shopping for a new oven. He bought the cheapest oven without letting me know. Never used the oven & the times he did everything was undercooked & took ages (even on highest temp). I moved out within a month)!

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Nanny0gg · 07/04/2021 18:14

@Whatamess582

so..,. Researching cost per use and weight of hoovers and spin speeds or whatever is on a par with drilling into my own skull and driving a skewer into my grey matter. So I wouldn’t give a crap honestly. As long as it matches the decor, fits the space, and does what it says it should then I’m happy.

But our dryer broke last year and all I had to do was be in when the delivery turned up. He had bought it organised delivery and installation. Because... well I would have hung my washing out rather than spend all day working out what I should buy.

We are married. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. I get a say if I want a say. If I said emphatically ‘no’ he wouldn’t buy something and vice versa. But mostly we don’t really fuss. I’m not a house wife as such... the house is not ‘my domain’. I would rather be our living than worrying what hoover the cleaner uses to hoover the house.

One exception. I bought a SMEG kettle and toaster against his wishes and was a bit ‘I drink tea and coffee and you don’t, so zip it’. He wanted a Bodum or Kenwood one. He now huffs everytime i boil the kettle as it sounds like an airplane taking off.... but it’s so pretty I don’t mind.

Don’t worry about such small insignificant things. Get out and enjoy your life instead of worrying which household appliances you own and who bought them.

If it’s was something I cared about like a beautiful piece of furniture I wanted we would discuss it and agree together but washing machines and ovens... couldn’t care less and I’m grateful someone else will spend the time doing it. I have much more interesting fulfilling things to do.

That's lovely, if it's your choice.

I'm not sure here that the appliances are chosen for the cleaner, they're chosen for the OP and she'd like to be involved in what she is expected to use.

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ShutUpAlex · 07/04/2021 18:16

No his money is our money and vice versa. I kept us going while he spent the whole of lockdown last year unemployed and now I’m pregnant and sick I have left my job and he earns the money. It all just goes in the joint account and we have personal accounts too. It’s never ever “my” money.

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listsandbudgets · 07/04/2021 18:26

God no.

Here the general view is who ever uses it most chooses it and as long as its affordable we buy it.

I wouldn't be at all happy

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Lorw · 07/04/2021 18:30

Go back to work full time and tell him he will have drop his hours so that he can do half the childcare and house work including the cooking 😁

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occa · 07/04/2021 18:42

Yep you're not in the right position to be a SAHM.

You need to go back to work and split the house/child care accordingly.

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Pumpkinpie1 · 07/04/2021 18:43

His attitude is very strange to me
We have always discussed big items , purchases , smaller ones I just get
He even gets my view on anything he wants to buy ie new drill etc
It’s been 50/50 money since we married regardless of who earned it

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MiddayMadDog · 07/04/2021 18:49

I hate men like your husband OP. Absolutely hate them. Horrible controlling little tinpot dictators enjoying the sense of power and control and enjoying humiliating their wives in these petty ways. Enjoying hating and looking down on their wives and still being served by them. Because they have taken away the ability of their wives to assert any control or choice.

Its fine for posters here to say, get a job - he can pay the childcare.
But it doesn't sound at all like he would. My guess is he would just point blank refuse. If OP cannot buy a hoover it sounds like she has no access to the family money (which is reserved as 'his' money) and hence no money (and therefore no choice or autonomy in her own life).

She's a skivvy facilitating his life. That's the role he has put her in.
And he has utter contempt for her in that role whilst benefiting from it.

Sorry to be so blunt OP but he is awful. He's emotionally abusive (because putting you in such a position of helplessness and dependency is emotionally destructive) it sounds like he might be financially abusive too.

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1forAll74 · 07/04/2021 18:57

When I was a SAHM years ago,it wouldn't have bothered me, that my Husband had made choices of his own for some items in the home. I don't much care about certain brands of things, and be glad that someone else did this type of shopping instead of me.

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Confusedandshaken · 07/04/2021 19:00

@lealea6366

He is not being helpful, his attitude is definitely my money, my decision. It's been like that for as long as we've been married, and I've had enough.

I don't blame you.

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knockles · 07/04/2021 19:04

That's not acceptable, his attitude. You are working just as hard but 24/7 and not paid for a very hard job of raising the children. State your dissatisfied, and see how he reacts. Stand your ground. Good luck.

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catmandont · 07/04/2021 19:09

I work PT, DH works FT and we've always paid our wages into a joint account as family money. So all good on access to finances.

... That said, DH would have no idea what Hoover or dishwasher to buy, or whether we needed one or not, as although he's a staunch feminist (who often says women should run the world as men have no idea) he has the best of both worlds with the benefits of having a wife that does all the wife work 🤷🏼‍♀️

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MiddayMadDog · 07/04/2021 19:11

We are married. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine. I get a say if I want a say. Don’t worry about such small insignificant things. Get out and enjoy your life instead of worrying which household appliances you own and who bought them
@Whatamess582 But this is not at ALL the situation OP has described. What his is his. And it sounds like she doesn't really have anything at all. So of course she is worried. Its not about the appliance is it? Its about her being so worthless in his eyes that she gets no say even in the things in her domain as it is 'his money'. So he gets to decide what it is spent on even if they are things that he never uses as their use is her role. If you cannot see the power dynamic he is deliberately asserting over her....

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Dddccc · 07/04/2021 19:32

Wow hmmm I don't speak to my dh when I buy new stuff ie this week I bought a new dishwasher, hoover and fridge freezer never crossed my mind to discuss it as they were on the list of stuff we needed so when I had earned the extra cash I bought them

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Yespresh · 07/04/2021 19:32

Start putting away every single penny you can. Sell stuff and hide your money. Do not leave without a plan. Make a plan for a certain date and either kick him out or leave with the children (although I wouldn’t advise leaving the family home unless you have to. Make a diary of what happens day to day. A physical diary not online.

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Yespresh · 07/04/2021 19:38

Forgot to say if he is self employed make sure you photograph every single bit of financial info you can find. Do not leave unprepared.

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1Morewineplease · 07/04/2021 19:43

I was a SAHM.
My husband asked me what I would like with regards to appliance replacement as I primarily used them.
Anything more than that, then it was a joint decision, eg electricians, plumbers, landscapers etc...

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abstractprojection · 07/04/2021 19:44

No we consult with each other on all big purchases regardless of whose paying. It’s not even a have too it’s just conversation

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