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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 07/04/2021 11:14

@mathanxiety

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth.
Really? Where?

Is this something that depends on how hairy you are?

How hairy would you have to be in order for it to become a hygiene issue?

Please elaborate.

LindaEllen · 07/04/2021 11:23

Christ, leave her alone.

SugarCoatIt · 07/04/2021 11:24

@PinkArt totally relatable - my DM would always make comments about my "heavy" legs when I was a kid, I have proper thighs, whereas she has none. She has also remarked on other people's cellulite, still does, not knowing of course that I have it myself as she is in the small percentage that don't. I love my Mum but she has definitely passed on insecurities to me that have stuck.

TooYoungToNotice · 07/04/2021 11:35

I had to have an emergency operation on my to remove an ulcer from my back.

The consultant said they were seeing these type of ulcers much more regularly in the groin and armpit area as a result of shaving and waxing. Apparently in growing hairs, small cuts etc can lead to them.

He also said it is healthy to have public hair as it moves the sweat and bacteria away from the skin surface. I haven't researched this myself but have no reason to disbelieve him.

I spent part of my upbringing on the continent so routinely saw women with natural body hair. If we teach girls that they must remove their body hair because they might get bullied, we are teaching them to acquiesce, to spend money and time on a process that does not benefit them, and is potentially harmful psychologically and possibly also physically. Having hair is normal and the more women that refuse to bow to pressure to be completely smooth, the more normalised it will become for society to accept that.

I have a big, raised annoying scar from my operation, it can't be helped I would hate for it to be on my groin as a result of an unnecessary 'beauty' procedure that could very much have been avoided.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 07/04/2021 11:57

I consider shaving legs, armpits and any hair that protrudes to be part of good grooming so that could be considered a 'hygiene' practice as it is usually done in bath or shower when you are lathered up.

That's ridiculous. I read in the bath, so is reading a hygiene practice?

Your (and other people's) belief that women should shave body hair is not logical or anything to do with hygiene.

TrevorWithTheWeather · 07/04/2021 12:23

My mum did this to me, gave me massive body confidence issues. It's taken me years (now 35) to make peace with my body.
Leave her alone. Stretch marks are natural ffs.

PurpleMustang · 07/04/2021 12:26

Think some are being a bit harsh on the OP. This is all about how the conversations are between parents and kids. If you are pointing and picking constantly about their bodies then yes they will be annoyed and get a complex about things. But if you notice something and say 'oh have you seen you have these, do you know what/why they are there?' Explain things to kids and give them help and advice if they want it. I grew up with parents not helping at all and just assumed I'd work things out. Hated i bought magazines to learn stuff. But then moaned I wasn't like my friends. What the..... With mine I explain why things are, help with advice and items they need and then just say its up to you but just warn them how things will be if they don't keep something up. Like attention to teeth cleaning. It's about talking to kids and some may be wanting help with something but not know what or how they can make it better

FreekStar · 07/04/2021 12:51

Is there anyone on this thread that doesn't have body hands-ups?

PerspicaciousGreen · 07/04/2021 12:58

@FreekStar

Is there anyone on this thread that doesn't have body hands-ups?
Body hang-ups, I assume you mean!

I'm 30 now and I must say I don't consider myself to have body hang-ups any more the way I did when I was younger, but it was a hard road to get here and it took a lot of work. I don't 100% adore every single cell of my body, but it's not something that affects the way I think about myself any more. Yes, my feet are a bit gnarly, but it's just a fact of life now, not a judgement on my worth as a human.

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 13:05

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

I consider shaving legs, armpits and any hair that protrudes to be part of good grooming so that could be considered a 'hygiene' practice as it is usually done in bath or shower when you are lathered up.

That's ridiculous. I read in the bath, so is reading a hygiene practice?

Your (and other people's) belief that women should shave body hair is not logical or anything to do with hygiene.

I didn't say anyone 'should'; what they do is up to them. It was normal when I was young is all. People are free to do as they please with their own bodies.
orangegina · 07/04/2021 13:13

This has just brought back awful memories of been a self conscious 15 year old with angry red stretch marks all over my legs. The shame and embarrassment I felt. My mum didn't do much to make me feel better either. Always saying how I inherited her horrible fat legs

CokeDrinker · 07/04/2021 13:18

So the OP hasn't come back?

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 07/04/2021 13:20

I didn't say anyone 'should'; what they do is up to them. It was normal when I was young is all. People are free to do as they please with their own bodies.

Yes. But people, especially women, feel less free to do as they please when other people insinuate they're poorly groomed or unhygienic. I think we should all be careful about the way we police other bodies or express illogical opinions.

GreenlandTheMovie · 07/04/2021 13:49

I didn't say anyone 'should'; what they do is up to them. It was normal when I was young is all. People are free to do as they please with their own bodies.

Its never been "normal". It might have been "normal" amongst your particular group of friends, but I was a swimmer as a teen and it was standard to only shave body hair for competitions. Thats pretty "normal" amongst competitive swimmers today who wear swimwear every day. And shaving was done to make you go faster, not for any fictitious health benefits, or appearance.

ScarfaceCwaw · 07/04/2021 14:59

I read in the bath, so is reading a hygiene practice?

Grin If so, I'm very, very hygienic indeed. (Let's just say I'm on my 3rd Kindle and I now buy waterproof.)

Re: body hangups, I wouldn't say I have many now (mid-late thirties). I like and appreciate my body and I frankly have better things to think about most of the time than my cellulite or my thread veins (or the old stretchmarks that are on my thighs and arse). I'm not indifferent to how it looks - I don't want to gain weight, for instance, although for health and fitness reasons as well as aesthetic - but I don't find any part of it shameful or needing to be hidden.

My mum had a weight complex and to some extent she very much did pass it on. There was constant remarking on weight and appearance changes.

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 15:12

The way some posters talk about baths like you are swilling around in primordial filth I digest it doesn’t count as hygiene at alllllllll 😂

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 15:29

@Fembot123

The way some posters talk about baths like you are swilling around in primordial filth I digest it doesn’t count as hygiene at alllllllll 😂
Not if you put the shower on afterwards to rinse off, I always stood up from the bath and hosed down, washed hair etc. A bath is relaxing, I used to love baths! Now I only shower.

I'm probably older than many of you and we did depilate regularly back then. It felt nice to be smooth. I presumed most young women and girls still did but obviously I am wrong. I don't go round looking at people's legs :-) but next time I see someone on TV, such as a Strictly dancer or the Duchess of Cambridge, I'll pay attention and let you know if I spot any hairs.

What about men having a back, sac and crack? Mine wouldn't have, he was happy being hairy and I was happy with him being that way. Someone I know was married to a competitive cyclist who shaved his legs, it made him more aero-dynamic.

Mittens030869 · 07/04/2021 15:31

You really shouldn’t focus on ‘flaws’ like stretch marks, you will make her self-conscious and damage her self-esteem. My DM is like you, she points things out believing that she’s being helpful. When I was growing up, she went on about my weight. It didn’t help, I’ve been a yo-yo dieter my whole life and have really struggled with my self-esteem. (Admittedly, there were other reasons for this, but her comments certainly didn’t help.)

Pebbledashery · 07/04/2021 15:43

Op I'd be really sad if I was your daughter.. You're pushing her to the brink of having a complex. Leave her alone and let her get on with it. She'll do things in HER time not YOURS.

Bul21ia · 07/04/2021 15:57

Does bio oil even work? I thought things like this didn’t?

I would leave her to it OP she is 14 don't baby your DD!

I bet the oil was your suggestion not hers.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 07/04/2021 15:58

@Bul21ia

Does bio oil even work? I thought things like this didn’t?

I would leave her to it OP she is 14 don't baby your DD!

I bet the oil was your suggestion not hers.

I think in the end you could use baby oil and have same results if you do massage and moisturising🤷🏻
GoToSleepBabyPlease · 07/04/2021 15:59

@Bul21ia

Does bio oil even work? I thought things like this didn’t?

I would leave her to it OP she is 14 don't baby your DD!

I bet the oil was your suggestion not hers.

There are studies that suggest it does, but they're small, considered low-accuracy and funded by the company that makes the stuff.
MustStayStrong01 · 07/04/2021 16:04

@Shitmotherright I would be more focused on her size... 30DD at 14? Healthy eating rather than rubbing oils in is the way forward here.

NiceGerbil · 07/04/2021 16:05

What's wrong with a 30DD bust?

This thread is really weird.

And no, bio oil doesn't work

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 07/04/2021 16:07

[quote MustStayStrong01]@Shitmotherright I would be more focused on her size... 30DD at 14? Healthy eating rather than rubbing oils in is the way forward here.[/quote]
Why, what's wrong with that?