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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Ilovelove · 06/04/2021 18:37

Hello,

I know you said that she had no SEN and it was other trauma that has caused her clingyness - but I would suggest you look again at autism. It presents differently in girls and can often be missed because they are more able to mask social difficulties. From what you describe - there are definite crossovers between behaviours I have seen in girls with Autism. (I am an ex-Senco).

It does sound like your daughter does need point out directly and kindly appropriate hygiene/ways to manage her new body in light of the changes that puberty has brought. If she was able to do this 'spontaneously' like the majority of teenagers - she would have done this by now.

MarshaBradyo · 06/04/2021 18:38

Stop reminding her it’s too much focus on what you think is wrong

PinkArt · 06/04/2021 18:40

From my own experience, your DP is right. My mum did something similar to what you're doing when I was younger than your daughter. Pointed out cellulite in an 'oh dear' tone. In my case it wasn't even something I had noticed or knew the existence of but I knew from the tone it was A Bad Thing to do with my body.
I loved my mum so much, but she passed some very messy body image messages on to me that I'm still trying to work through 30 years later. It really cuts deep when the person who made you is pointing out what's wrong with you, especially when it's something you can't do anything about.

Queenoftheashes · 06/04/2021 22:25

@Ilovelove what hygiene measures have you taken from the OP that her daughter has neglected? Given that shaving and bio oil are nothing to do with hygiene.

NiceGerbil · 06/04/2021 22:48

OP appears to have vanished.

Last thing she said was a passive aggressive 'are you ok' to me after I shared my experiences with major surgery and scarring, which happened in secondary school, and is in places that are visible.

My view is that these things are part of me and tell a story. They tell a story of pain and difficulty.

I never covered them. Anyone who looked shocked (and there were lots) I looked straight in the eye. Yes. So what.

I think that experience gave me a bit of a barrier to the pressures the other girls my age were under- there were a lot of eating disorders at my school- but I had more pressing things to deal with.

Teenagers grow. They get stretch marks. It's normal. And no, bio oil etc doesn't work. Clever marketing though.

Now I'm older I look at girls the ops daughters age and I see youth and opportunity and smile.

I wish there wasn't so much influence from all angles to make our girls focus on 'imperfections'. To make them their own harshest critics from so young.

Anyway. OP read my post and met it with a PA response. I conclude she's not really very nice TBH.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2021 00:40

@Ilovelove - very good post.

Helping her deal with personal hygiene needs to be done very sensitively though.

NiceGerbil · 07/04/2021 01:51

Putting bio oil on stretch marks is nothing to do with personal hygiene.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2021 04:07

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth.

unwuthering · 07/04/2021 05:19

No. It isn't.

SavingsQuestions · 07/04/2021 05:37

No it really isn't. If you don't brush your teeth you will get cavities and your teeth will not be clean (and will smell.)

If you don't shave hair..... you have hair! Not at all unhygienic. After all men don't and we don't shave our heads.

EdgeOfACoin · 07/04/2021 05:54

@mathanxiety

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth.
It has nothing to do with hygiene.

Once upon a time companies that made razor blades decided to expand their consumer base by marketing razors to women. As women don't have beards, companies decided to target underarm hair and leg hair instead (although, interestingly didn't persuade men to also shave their body hair).

Do you consider men with beards to be unhygienic?

More recently, the porn industry has got involved to make women feel bad about their public hair too.

If you really believe that leg hair is unhygienic, I recommend that you think carefully about why you think that is and who is telling you that leg hair is unhygienic.

FourTurnings · 07/04/2021 05:56

Math anxiety if that were true then men don’t need to adhere to personal hygiene matters, but women do?!

JeffTheOracle · 07/04/2021 05:57

That's a very unhealthy view of body hair. Underarm hair maybe, but I fail to see how not shaving your legs means you have poor personal hygiene.

GoToSleepBabyPlease · 07/04/2021 06:33

@mathanxiety

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth.
No, it's a matter of personal preference, or religious observance. The Sikh religion forbids the shaving of any bodily hair. Do you think that orthodox Sikhs are unclean?
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 07/04/2021 07:09

Stretch marks and shaving are nothing to do with hygiene. It's sad and quite frightening that some women think normal body hair and marks are unclean.

HowManyToes · 07/04/2021 07:32

@mathanxiety

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth.
Absolute bullshit!
ImpatiensI · 07/04/2021 07:38

@FourTurnings

Math anxiety if that were true then men don’t need to adhere to personal hygiene matters, but women do?!
Exactly! Are all Men who don't shave their legs unclean then??
Mumoblue · 07/04/2021 07:41

Funny how only women’s body hair is “unhygienic” huh?

Queenoftheashes · 07/04/2021 08:30

@mathanxiety ok so can you explain why women’s leg hair is unhygienic? What is the cleanliness issue? Does women’s leg hair smells more than men’s? Does it tend to attract lice? If you don’t clean your teeth you will get gum disease, what is the consequence if women do not shave their legs?

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 09:46

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

Stretch marks and shaving are nothing to do with hygiene. It's sad and quite frightening that some women think normal body hair and marks are unclean.
Stretch marks can't be helped, it's a good idea nourish your skin after bathing which makes the skin softer and more flexible but they do fade anyway in time.

I consider shaving legs, armpits and any hair that protrudes to be part of good grooming so that could be considered a 'hygiene' practice as it is usually done in bath or shower when you are lathered up. Skin feels nice and smooth afterwards too. However there is nothing inherently 'unclean' about hair as long as it is washed frequently, wherever it is.

jessstan2 · 07/04/2021 09:48

@Mumoblue

Funny how only women’s body hair is “unhygienic” huh?
Hair on back can get very sweaty and smell, even if a man showers every day. Most wouldn't consider spraying that area with an antiperspirant. I know not all men have hair backs anyway but some do. A lot of women nowadays don't like hairy men but those of my generation didn't mind; however a twice daily shower in hot weather is essential.
TrickyD · 07/04/2021 10:38

The OP has disappeared.

Probably very busy shaving his hairy hands.

Rukaya · 07/04/2021 10:42

Like it or not, shaving legs is considered a matter of hygiene these days, as basic as brushing your teeth

Fuck off it is! What is wrong with you?

however a twice daily shower in hot weather is essential

And another one! Get a life people, get out of the shower for long enough and get a hobby.

PerspicaciousGreen · 07/04/2021 11:09

@GreenlandTheMovie

How would you like it OP, if someone decided to tell you that you have facial wrinkles? And to tell you which cream is in their opinion the best to use to address them and to check up on you repeatedly to see whether you are using it?

Or perhaps you are perfect, without normal human flaws, and unable to comprehend such a scenario?

My mother actually does this to my 93-year-old grandmother. She buys her various "anti-ageing" pots of moonshine and asks her repeatedly if she's been using them and how she's finding them.
GreenlandTheMovie · 07/04/2021 11:13

however a twice daily shower in hot weather is essential.

Do you live in Britain?

We are currently in the 5 month period of the year where we might not have to wear a thick winter coat when we venture outdoors. Unfortunately however, we are battling snowdrifts instead. Several people I know are without water at all due to pipes freezing. Id love to know when this hot weather that makes showering twice a day is to be found.

The emphasis is mostly on not getting hypothermia, given that we aren't in the Caribbean or the south of France.