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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has stretchmarks?

513 replies

Shitmotherright · 06/04/2021 01:09

DD14 has developed very quickly over the past year. She is a very withdrawn child. Still holds my hand when we go out, won't go anywhere alone, doesn't speak to many people.
She has, basically, gone from child to woman over lockdown. Periods started, 30DD chest, hips, etc.
She has developed severe stretchmarks on her chest and legs so I bought her some Bio oil and keep reminding her to apply it.
DP thinks I'm giving her issues but I have never made a big deal of it. Just said 'have you put your cream on?'
She has been wearing shorts this weekend and hasn't started shaving yet, although I've offered to show her, so I don't think she's self-conscious. I'm just thinking about when she gets older and becomes conscious of her body.
AIBU?

OP posts:
SweetPetrichor · 06/04/2021 14:20

Make the tools she may require available to her and leave her to it. Everyone has stretch marks, even men. It’s no big deal. I actually kinda liked mine - my ‘tiger stripes’. I personally think bio oil’s an expensive waste of time but no harm in having available. She’ll do what she wants, when she wants.

daisypond · 06/04/2021 14:21

YABU. Your partner is right. Why would you ask her to put her cream on? Don’t make any comments on her body.

radiateforme · 06/04/2021 14:23

Jesus. Poor kid

GreenlandTheMovie · 06/04/2021 14:23

How would you like it OP, if someone decided to tell you that you have facial wrinkles? And to tell you which cream is in their opinion the best to use to address them and to check up on you repeatedly to see whether you are using it?

Or perhaps you are perfect, without normal human flaws, and unable to comprehend such a scenario?

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 14:28

Ops explanation of the daughters behaviour perhaps explains her behaviour here, but she needs to recognise how wrong she is before she damages her daughter.

radiateforme · 06/04/2021 14:32

Also, my ex partner has recently been found guilty of domestic abuse, mainly coercive control, in family court. One of the bits of evidence that was used was the fact that he pointed out my stretch marks during my pregnancy, bought me bio oil and watched me put it on. The judge was horrified at this. I've got the ruling in front of me now. This contributed significantly to him being found guilty of abuse. Not saying you're abusive, however this demonstrates the significance of this kind of behaviour.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 14:34

@radiateforme

Also, my ex partner has recently been found guilty of domestic abuse, mainly coercive control, in family court. One of the bits of evidence that was used was the fact that he pointed out my stretch marks during my pregnancy, bought me bio oil and watched me put it on. The judge was horrified at this. I've got the ruling in front of me now. This contributed significantly to him being found guilty of abuse. Not saying you're abusive, however this demonstrates the significance of this kind of behaviour.
Only in a sexual relationship. This is different (although I do agree that OP is bang out )
radiateforme · 06/04/2021 14:35

Has very little to do with sexual relationship imo. It was psychologically damaging. Would have been even if we never had sex.

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 14:38

@radiateforme

Has very little to do with sexual relationship imo. It was psychologically damaging. Would have been even if we never had sex.
You know what I mean . Romantic as opposed to parental.

In the same way my mother tells me I'm not eating enough which isn't the same as a partner saying it.

radiateforme · 06/04/2021 14:41

Genuinely didn't know you meant that. I figured you meant it was significant because we were having sex (aka he was seeing me naked). Crossed wires.

unwuthering · 06/04/2021 14:43

Historically it is men who call feminists 'radical' for the mere idea that women want to be treated equally. So you will excuse me if I treat with suspicion anyone who uses the term 'radical' feminism.

Jaysus.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_feminism

Cokie3 · 06/04/2021 14:44

@Dumbledorker

My 10 year old daughter noticed stretch marks on her thighs and asked me what they were. I said "oh those!? They are called stretchmarks. Here look I have loads on my tummy from when I was pregnant with you. What happens is the skin grows really quick and can't keep up so kinda stretches in a way making these marks. They fade though after a while. Most people get them. Yours will be through puberty which is common. When I was your age I was quite shy about mine but we are super lucky now to be in a generation of girls and women who are really really vocal about body positivity and supporting one another regardless of how we look"

Later on she's literally showing her best friend her new stretchmarks on zoom and telling her exactly what I've just said.
Her best friend is looking on her body for some and trying to make every little mark a stretchmark to say she has them too.

You teach your daughters to own them.

@Dumbledorker You are an example of a wonderful mother full of forethought and girl power strength! I sincerely hope the OP @Shitmotherright reads your post, over again. Then again, and once more. Because THAT is how to mother correctly! Your post is mothering done right! High Five! Wine
Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 14:44

@radiateforme

Genuinely didn't know you meant that. I figured you meant it was significant because we were having sex (aka he was seeing me naked). Crossed wires.
Oh god no! Sorry if you thought that, especially with your history 💖
radiateforme · 06/04/2021 15:02

Ah don't be daft, it's all good! You're right, it is different. Very kind of you to apologise ☺️

Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 15:13

@radiateforme

Ah don't be daft, it's all good! You're right, it is different. Very kind of you to apologise ☺️
Oh I would never minimise that. Bless you 💖
Butwasitherdriveway · 06/04/2021 15:14

I'm far from condoning this behaviour. What I mean is, parents seem to get away with saying things we wouldn't get away with as a partner.

My dad tells me to my face if outfits aren't nice 🤣

Wide · 06/04/2021 15:22

@laeta I'm exactly the same i compliment myself infront the dd even though I feel so cringey doing it!!! And I never talk about weight or put myself down infront of her, I wouldn't say i was going on a diet i would say I was eating healthily if my eating habits were picked up on. Who knows if it will give her confidence, I hope so because I was such an insecure teenager with spots and yes the ropic of this thread stretchmarks on my bum that are still there from the age of about 12 and I'm now 32,I was so petite but still got them so to the OP maybe don't keep mentioning them maybe she's not that bothered, maybe you should work on bringing her confidence out, I think holding hands at 14 is abit old

ImpatiensI · 06/04/2021 15:30

maybe you should work on bringing her confidence out, I think holding hands at 14 is abit old

No! OP said they are trying to get counselling but covid makes it impossible at the moment. Just as with the physical things, there's no reason why the dd should't hold hands with her Mother if it gives her comfort, she shouldn't be judged by others standards.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 06/04/2021 15:48

God, 14 is such a fragile age! I would have been in pieces if my Mum had done this. Please stop.

CirqueDeMorgue · 06/04/2021 15:56

The one thing I 'nag' dd about is using sun protection on her face daily. She rolls her eyes at me but she'll thank me one day.

Shufflebumnessie · 06/04/2021 15:57

Generally all of the insecurities I have about my body stem from comments my mum made when I was in my teens. I am now 41 and still hear her criticisms!
She didn't do it with any malice but they were often comments about things I had no control over - needing glasses, my teeth, my hair was too fine etc. I was a very slim size 6-8 but according to my mum I had huge hips, my breasts were too small etc.

I didn't start wearing make up when she thought I should, didn't wear my hair how she thought I should....

It was very tiresome and hurtful.

Snaketime · 06/04/2021 16:19

Im sorry OP but there is nothing to say she will become body conscious in the future if you just keep your mouth shut about everything.
My mum was like you, always "trying to help" and my confidence is shot because of it.

HowManyToes · 06/04/2021 18:24

*Are you ok, you seem to have anger issues. 🙄 I note in that paragraph you post that there are no bibliographical numbers/references. I find it hard to believe anyone thinks there can be "no consent in heterosexual relationships". I'd like to see references for this.

Historically it is men who call feminists 'radical' for the mere idea that women want to be treated equally. So you will excuse me if I treat with suspicion anyone who uses the term 'radical' feminism*

@Cokie3 this is so wrong it’s laughable. It’s not my job to educate you. Do your own reading. You’re just being wilfully ignorant and I have neither the time nor the inclination to entertain it or your passive aggressive faux-concern.

crispychicken12 · 06/04/2021 18:28

I was 27 when I got stretch marks due to pregnancy and it really hit me hard so I can't imagine how tough it is on a 14 year old.

Bio oil didn't work for me, I just embrace them now. Maybe go with that? Encourage some body positivity

littlebillie · 06/04/2021 18:36

My DD asked what they were, I explained and gave her bio oil. She uses it I think, she is able to understand instructions and understands that at her age they may fade quickly on their own.

I think we live in an age where we are, meaning well, but micromanaging our children. I think from late teens we need to step back or they won't listen to what is important