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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:59

The other DC is fine, will hang out with my DC or with us no problem.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 05/04/2021 12:00

I wouldn’t bring my 13 year old if they were going to behave like that. Are you providing childcare for the child? Or is their parent visiting you?

Gizlotsmum · 05/04/2021 12:02

My 12 yr old will often take herself off into her room at home but she is not allowed to eat there and isn’t allowed to do it all the time when we have guests, she will sometimes do it at the grandparents but not often and not for long. I wouldn’t allow it around a family friends. However if she really didn’t want to be there I would probably consider leaving her at home or doing something rather than just visiting

KarenMarlow3 · 05/04/2021 12:02

Apart from insisting that everyone eats at the table, which is reasonable, I don't think there is much else that you can do.
I would find this behaviour very bad mannered, and I would never have allowed my own children (now in their mid forties) to behave in this way.
All you can do is to limit the invitations.

Mamette · 05/04/2021 12:02

Would your 13 yo like to hang out with this child? Or are they not bothered? I would be annoyed if my own DC felt avoided.

Blackcat21 · 05/04/2021 12:03

I mean you can’t really force a 13yo to socialise if they don’t want to though. Yes it’s rude and not really acceptable but they could have anxiety or other issues and prefer being on their own.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/04/2021 12:03

I would find that rude, yes.

I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Which bit wouldn’t you allow? In their own home, I wouldn’t object to my child taking themselves off to be by themselves. It’s fine. Not during dinner though.

Mellonsprite · 05/04/2021 12:03

It’s a bit rude, but 13 is a funny age and a bit too old for a forced friendship if they aren’t friends already?

Excilente · 05/04/2021 12:04

First i'd ask if there was any Autism or other sensory issues? Only asking as my DS is Autistic and this is what he is like, luckily family/friends understand this and are tolerant.. its not like i can leave him at home if we go out.

SummerHouse · 05/04/2021 12:04

I don't think this is too bad. I like to think I wouldn't allow it in my children but I pick battles and who knows what kind of battle this is. It's a shame for the child really. I would try and engage with them and if they are not responding, I would apply the old 'not my monkey, not my Circus' kind of thinking.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/04/2021 12:04

In a normal situation it is rude but be aware the child may have social issues . The parent may not want to go against him as he may cause a scene. I have seen children in school where l teach always opting to go on their own. No matter what structures we put in place, encouragement etc they will still want to be alone.
You are right to insist on food at the table but otherwise l would just ignore him and enjoy the friendship. He will either come out of it when he passes the teenage stage or be an antisocial adult but you won't have to be responsible for him.

PattyPan · 05/04/2021 12:06

That’s definitely rude. Has there been some kind of falling out with your DC so they’re avoiding each other?

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2021 12:08

to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

Not as much as they resent being there by the sound of it.

I'd just let them do their own thing apart from the eating at the table if that's a rule in your house. If they don't want to eat much when they get there, that's up to them.

They sound a little old to be forced round to their mum's friend's house though, perhaps the parents could consider leaving them at home?

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 05/04/2021 12:08

It is rude, yes, but agree that 13 is too old for a regular friendship based on parental choice and convenience. I expect my 13yo to do some duty visiting where it may not be her first choice, and to make an effort to be sociable when she does, but IMO it's not fair or reasonable to expect them to spend loads of their free time in company they wouldn't choose.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:09

Most of the time their parent is visiting, but I have looked after the DC on occasion. The DC basically behaves this way wherever they are, only at home their parent allows them to take their dinner off to their room etc.

I must admit I do find this person’s parenting somewhat contrary to my own in many ways, but this is the thing that actually affect me in my home. the rest of the stuff I can find annoying but ultimately it’s none of my business, but this particular behaviour happens in my house.

I know there’s nothing to be done about it other than not have them round, which I don’t want to do, I was just wondering if I’m being U finding it annoying and rude.

OP posts:
sirfredfredgeorge · 05/04/2021 12:10

It's only rude if the child had the choice not to attend.

It doesn't sound to me like they do.

woodhill · 05/04/2021 12:10

I would find it rude and if you are feeding them at yours it is the height of bad manners

Sirzy · 05/04/2021 12:10

I would insist on eating in the same room as everyone else but I wouldn’t try to force friendship at 13 they can make their own choices

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:16

There is no ASD or sensory issues present. This DC and my DC are friendly enough, my DC is definitely not avoiding.

I think it’s just the immediate disappearance when they walk through the door that gets on my nerves so much. They will literally walk in the door, see which room other people are in and go in an empty one. Personally I would would never assume to just go into an empty room at someone else’s house.

Anyway I know it’s petty and there’s nothing I can do about it, I just wondered if it’s just me who thinks it’s rude.

OP posts:
thelegohooverer · 05/04/2021 12:18

My autistic dc would be like this to some extent. I think it’s very important to help him recognise what’s required in social situations but it’s hugely challenging to prepare him, and support him. And it’s hugely challenging for him too.

He’s not obviously autistic and not all our friends/relatives are aware of his diagnosis. Sometimes it’s been easier to bear the brunt of their judgement of me as a lax parent than deal with the downside of them knowing he’s autistic.

Sometimes it’s tempting to chill with friends or family for an hour or two than provide the guidance and support he would need to cope socially.

dividedwefall · 05/04/2021 12:18

I wouldn't allow it and I wouldn't visit if my child behaved like that. I do have a child with ASD that will only visit people if they can sit in their own bubble on their device or whatever but if we didn't let them we wouldn't be able to go anywhere. I would say that is different though.

MabelPines · 05/04/2021 12:19

Sometimes I think the world is becoming much more insular and people don’t like it when others don’t conform to the same rules of behaviour /outlook/opinion as them. (Said as the parent of an ASD child who regularly falls outside ‘social norms’ )

People do things in different ways, especially parenting, it doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends or get on with each other. Having said that there is a difference between finding someone else’s normal different to yours and being uncomfortable by it , and actually being ‘put out’ by someone’s differences - so if you have to stop what you are doing to check in or supervise this child then I can see why that would be annoying, (but if the child just wants leaving alone then how does it affect you?

DaydreamsAndWishes · 05/04/2021 12:20

I think it depends on the purpose of the visit. If the 13 yr old is being forced to attend then they should be polite but shouldn't be expected to join in socialising.

Are you feeling that they should join in socialising with your own DC @Whatisthisfuckery? Unless your DC and this child are friends naturally, why expect it of them?

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 12:21

They can make their own choices about friendships but not about basic manners.

In my house, I would insist the children did something together without screens for at least a part of the time and meals are totally non-negotiable: no screens and group conversation.

One of the most important life lessons is to learn to ‘rub along’ with people that you have little in common with.

FireflyRainbow · 05/04/2021 12:23

My ASD teen can be like this. I often don't want to leave him home alone but he is not fond of people and will often want to sit on his own on his phone with headphones in.