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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:
MiddayMadDog · 05/04/2021 14:11

Why does the child have to come to somewhere he clearly doesn't want to go? He's old enough to stay at home.
I don't blame him really. Being dragged around on his parents' social visits in his own free time. I wouldn't like that now, let alone when I was 13.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/04/2021 14:12

@Whatisthisfuckery

These are close family BTW, so not just friends. That’s why it’s a bit more complicated than just stop socialising.
It really isn't. (More complicated.) It's actually easier. If they're family (my guess is sister?), you should - SHOULD - be able to say something to them.

'X, your eldest clearly doesn't want to be here, and frankly I've had enough of his rudeness. Be kind to him and me and leave him at home next time you visit.'

And hold to it. He's 13, he'll be fine back home.

"On the other hand, when I go to this person’s house they insist on the DC all hanging out together. Inevitably it will be my DC and their younger DC, but the parent doesn’t like them hanging around the adults."
You can use this. They feel entitled to say how it's going to be in their home. It's time you put your big girl pants on and did the same.

LittleTiger007 · 05/04/2021 14:13

It is very rude and despite 13 being a tricky age, it is totally on the parent to allow it. For a quiet life the parents have probably gone along with his moodiness but they should take him aside and explain that at home is one thing - in another persons home is quite something different. They have allowed it and so, sadly they have inadvertently given him the thumbs up in his rudeness.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 14:13

@sunflowersandbuttercups,

I don’t want to derail this thread, so I won’t get drawn into a long back and forth but (last post on this):

Having children does not mean that you need to be an unpaid servant to them.

I love having children and want them to have a great life, so I do a lot for them. That does not, however, mean that they have no obligations in return.

In fact, the older they get (not quite teens yet but on the cusp), the more they need to contribute. Being polite to my friends and family and seeing them with me is one of those obligations, unless there are extenuating circumstances (not well, need to revise etc).

If children do not learn the relationship between privilege and obligation, what kind of adults will they become?

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 14:21

I'd spin this the other way round actually - if the teen is expected to be sociable, what is the visiting family doing to make them feel welcome? Sociability works both ways. If I invite guests round, I make some effort to do something that includes them and that they might like to do.

It seems like the teen's options are basically play with the other children or amuse themselves, so they've opted to amuse themselves.

Ragwort · 05/04/2021 14:24

'Close family' so I assume a nephew or niece?

Depends how often they visit, we only visited family about once a year so yes, I would expect my DS to 'join in' with a board game, walk or whatever was being organised ... it is hard as a teenager if the adults are just sitting around chatting and there's nothing to do .... but if you are visiting every few weeks then I think it's more acceptable for teenagers to do their own thing.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 14:29

[quote TheReluctantPhoenix]@sunflowersandbuttercups,

I don’t want to derail this thread, so I won’t get drawn into a long back and forth but (last post on this):

Having children does not mean that you need to be an unpaid servant to them.

I love having children and want them to have a great life, so I do a lot for them. That does not, however, mean that they have no obligations in return.

In fact, the older they get (not quite teens yet but on the cusp), the more they need to contribute. Being polite to my friends and family and seeing them with me is one of those obligations, unless there are extenuating circumstances (not well, need to revise etc).

If children do not learn the relationship between privilege and obligation, what kind of adults will they become?[/quote]
Having children does not mean that you need to be an unpaid servant to them.

I totally agree. But if you choose to become a parent, you do have certain obligations imo - and that means, to an extent, facilitating their social lives and hobbies while they're too young to do so by themselves.

I love having children and want them to have a great life, so I do a lot for them. That does not, however, mean that they have no obligations in return.

Again, I agree, but why do those obligations require them to be bored stiff at a relatives house for several hours?

Being polite to my friends and family and seeing them with me is one of those obligations, unless there are extenuating circumstance

Family I agree to an extent, but why on earth does a pre-teen need to be dragged along to your meet-ups with your friends?

If children do not learn the relationship between privilege and obligation, what kind of adults will they become?

I just don't agree that children need to be dragged along to adult-orientated events in order to become well-rounded adults. As a childless adult, I wouldn't choose to go and spend my weekend sitting at someone's home if I didn't want to be there. So why do we force it on children who are old enough to stay at home and do their own thing?

greenlynx · 05/04/2021 14:29

I was a bit like this around this age, except eating. I would come to my aunt with parents and would prefer to sit quietly with a book (my aunt had a very good library) rather then play with the only other child who was 3 years younger and I had nothing in common with him tbh. It was regular family gatherings so I was supposed to attend. I could stay at home easily, (I stayed at home on my own since I was 6 ) but my parents wouldn’t allow it.
Dinner was my favorite part though, aunt was a good cook and I always loved to eat her food. I actually liked to pop in after school for a chat, cup of tea and piece of cake, I just didn’t like long family gatherings and preferred to spend all my spare time reading. By the way I don’t have autism or ASD or anything and I can chat non-stop for ages.
I think relatives were annoyed a bit but I was immune to any sounds while reading. The main problem was to find a spare room so I wonder if it’s a problem in your case. Could you say to this DC e.g that he/she could go to this room but not to others and insist on coming to the table so you are the one who’s putting boundaries in place in your house. Also you shouldn’t press the child it’s their parent you need to talk to.

Crankley · 05/04/2021 14:31

It sounds extremely rude to me. If there's a next time I suggest turning off the wifi.

Exhausted4ever · 05/04/2021 14:34

I actually think it being close family makes a huge difference and I'd find it far less rude, assuming that the child is your niece or nephew, imo they should feel comfortable and able to go sit in the house by themselves. And you should be able to talk to their parents openly enough to express how you feel about their behaviour

BurbageBrook · 05/04/2021 14:47

13 is a little old to insist the kids hang out or ‘play’, maybe the DC just doesn’t like your DC. But in terms of the food and eating YANBU.

allaboutthecrisps · 05/04/2021 14:48

I think the 13-year old may not be managing this spectacularly but I'm also struggling to see any attention to their needs. They don't really like the OP's same-age child do they? I don't mean they hate them but it seems they don't gel. So to ask them to be bored regularly so the adults can enjoy themselves seems harsh TBH. I'd want my family to be comfortable in my home. All of them. Do the adults not want to enjoy adult-only chat? If not, how much of the socialising is really topics the apparent introvert 13-year old enjoys discussing. Asking them to eat at the table is fine. Directing them to specific rooms and declaring others off bounds also fine. But I don't think they should be asked to 'socialise' really when there is nothing in it for them and they would never choose to visit on their own.

Lovedove · 05/04/2021 14:48

Kid sounds like a total brat

Biscoffontoast · 05/04/2021 15:02

Since you have said they are family, are you sure that there aren’t any additional needs that just haven’t been disclosed? I say this as my DD has some delays but hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet and I haven’t told most of our family and friends (although I’m sure they suspect as some of her behaviours aren’t typical for her age). I don’t want her to be ‘labelled’ until she has been properly assessed and I haven’t come to terms with it all yet (if I ever do) and would find it extremely difficult and painful to broach the subject at this stage. I’m just thinking that may be why this DC behaves the way he/she does and why their parent appears so tolerant of it. It could just be rude/bratty behaviour but it doesn’t sound normal for a child of that age.

skodadoda · 05/04/2021 15:07

@Blackcat21

I mean you can’t really force a 13yo to socialise if they don’t want to though. Yes it’s rude and not really acceptable but they could have anxiety or other issues and prefer being on their own.
Bit of a vicious circle? Anxiety about socialising as a result of not socialising?
Mumdiva99 · 05/04/2021 15:08

It depends on frequency and purpose of visit - and to some extent the relationship between you all.

My sil has an older daughter. There was a time when she wasn't old enough to be left home but also wasn't as interested in her younger sisters and cousins. So some phone time was fine. But equally we would all eat together, maybe go for a walk together and then she might retreat. But - we don't see each other all that regularly - if we saw them all the time she might not have put such an effort in.

To come in a not acknowledge you at all does seem weird - but I would question if he is coming against his will.

Also what are all the ages/sex of the kids?

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 15:11

@Lovedove

Kid sounds like a total brat
Nope, just a bored and fed up typical 13 year old. No need for armchair diagnosis or name calling. Yes he's been rude, but it's been a pretty rubbish year for kids and quite honestly if the most exciting thing in their life is visiting aunts and younger cousins, I'd hide away in another room as well.

Most teens do this. They practically disappear for 5 years, like some grungy little caterpillar. You just hope they re-emerge a half decent social butterfly at the end. Most bugger off to uni and whatnot so really not your problem anymore anyway. Win win.

CatsHairEverywhere2 · 05/04/2021 15:11

Well the child clearly doesn’t want to be around you or your DC, so I’d wonder more why they were being forced to go to yours so often more than if it was rude or not

1forAll74 · 05/04/2021 15:16

I think a lot of children can be like this, the ones who are quite addicted to phones and gadgets etc. This behaviour needs to be curtailed by a parent,when they are in social situations at least.

Karwomannghia · 05/04/2021 15:18

Regardless of labels, this boy clearly lacks social skills and has anxiety if he’s on the phone every 5 mins when left alone. Maybe he doesn’t like eating in front of other people. I’d have thought you’d know, being good friends with his mum.

Lovedove · 05/04/2021 15:24

@BrumBoo I was a teen myself obviously and have teen nieces and nephews and this behaviour is totally rude and unacceptable. My nephew is completely introverted and finds social situations unbearable but still smiles and is polite and doesn’t get his phone out in company ( even though favourite thing is being on phone, in bedroom, all evening at home)
Not even saying hello and hiding in rooms on phones = needs some parenting. Even my toddler has better manners than that! Too many people make excuses for poor behaviour and it’s ridiculous.

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 15:36

[quote Lovedove]@BrumBoo I was a teen myself obviously and have teen nieces and nephews and this behaviour is totally rude and unacceptable. My nephew is completely introverted and finds social situations unbearable but still smiles and is polite and doesn’t get his phone out in company ( even though favourite thing is being on phone, in bedroom, all evening at home)
Not even saying hello and hiding in rooms on phones = needs some parenting. Even my toddler has better manners than that! Too many people make excuses for poor behaviour and it’s ridiculous.[/quote]
Not all teens are the same, and most teens don't like being dragged into family gatherings most weeks! I haven't denied he's rude, but I feel more sorry for him than anything. He should be out with mates, not expected to 'play' with younger kids whilst his mum and aunt have a natter.

As for saying 'my toddler had more manners', honestly I bet you'll look back in 10 years and cringe....

Lovedove · 05/04/2021 15:41

I’m sure my toddler will be a difficult teen, I was a difficult teen. Strops, staying out late, answering back etc. However, I would have been in serious trouble acting like that in public or around family or friends. I just wouldn’t do it. If my ds did that I would take their phone and they wouldn’t see it again for two weeks. They might not be so rude on their next visit!
And yes, it’s a good lesson - life can be dull and boring, we have to do things we don’t like (often with a smile plastered on) , you don’t always get your own way ...
I’m sure he can go out with mates other times but his mum is the parent and if she wants him to come to her friend then he needs to come and not act like a total brat. End of!

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 15:49

And yes, it’s a good lesson - life can be dull and boring, we have to do things we don’t like (often with a smile plastered on) , you don’t always get your own way ...
I’m sure he can go out with mates other times but his mum is the parent and if she wants him to come to her friend then he needs to come and not act like a total brat. End of!

Uhu. And when he starts saying no, what then? Make a 13/14/15+ year old go on boring family visits every week rather than use tech or see friends? How? That phone might as well be confiscated until he's 18 for how well that will go.

Yes, once in a while it has to be sucked up. When you see family, you should always have your hellos/byes/please/thank yous ready as politely as possible. Beyond that, expectations of a teenager is really limited, and I would put a good bet on that this kid isn't going to put up with these forced visits much longer. It's just miserable for everyone.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 15:53

BrumBoo It certainly isn’t every week, in fact it’s not even close to every week. Every month at a stretch, and the only younger child is this DC’s own sibling. Not out with mates ever. I don’t think they have mates they go out with and I doubt the mother would let them as she’s rather over protective.

Last week it was my birthday and we had a family gathering and a barbecue. The adults sat in my garden as it was nice weather and my DC and younger DC were messing around together, in and out of the house. They sat with us some of the time and went and did other things. Other DC was sat alone on phone for the duration aside from being hauled out to eat something.

I know there are mixed responses but I would be most pissed off with my DC if they did this, but I don’t let my DC sit in their room from morning to night on their phone anyway. We go out for walks, they help with some household stuff, go out cycling with mates and right now they’re playing guitar. Nephew does none of these things, just sits on phone all day, every day, and isn’t expected to do anything. It’s no wonder they have no manners really.

OP posts: