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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:
DaydreamsAndWishes · 05/04/2021 12:24

@Whatisthisfuckery Would you prefer they sat in the same room as everyone else but on their device (maybe even with headphones on)?

The question I would be asking the parent of this DC is why they are bringing them at all - they are old enough to be left at home surely?

jessstan2 · 05/04/2021 12:24

The child probably doesn't like being taken out by parents to visit people and have to mix with them. Not everyone is sociable. However I would insist she eats at the table, that is not much to ask. In a while she won't have to tag along with mum and the problem will cease.

stuckinarutatwork · 05/04/2021 12:24

Why is the thirteen year old coming. If they are not there to socialise with your DC (and it sounds unlikely), then why doesn't your acquaintance just leave them at home?

Do they have additional needs perhaps? If so, I'd probably facilitate a quiet space in another room for them to chill if they find the interaction overwhelming and perhaps offer a buffet lunch or something less formal but still expect at least all the kids to eat together - even if only in the garden.

weewitch · 05/04/2021 12:28

The 13 year old should be left at home - sounds painful for them to be forced to attend.

Soothes · 05/04/2021 12:29

It depends who the "someone" is and why they are there.

If we're there because of some obligation or choice of mine, I'd expect an attempt at polite conversation on arrival, then I'd be happy for them to find their own space, especially if it's a long visit.

If it's close family visiting me (e.g. my nephews) I'd be happy they felt able to make themselves at home.

helpfulperson · 05/04/2021 12:30

Why does the child need to come? If it were mine I'd just leave them at home.

BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 12:31

They are rude, however they evidently do not want to be there. At 13 it's kind of ridiculous for them to be brought over when it's obvious more for your and your friend to socialise. I'd suggest to your friend that the 13 year old may want to make independent plans next time she wants to visit.

AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2021 12:32

No, I wouldn't allow this but dd wouldn't want to do it anyway. She likes people.

I have met one family who allow their 12yo dd to sit in a separate room while socialising as a family, but she has ASD and would not cope with sitting with everyone, so I think that's totally different.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:32

No additional needs. Their parent won’t leave the DC at home, 13 and 11. On the occasions I’ve known the parent leave the DC at home for even an hour he parent has been on the phone every 5 minutes.

Yeah, I get that a 13 year old won’t necessarily want to come to my house or hang out with my DC, and if the boot was on the other foot I’d leave my DC at home. If I had to take them and they didn’t want to go/were bored etc I would expect them to ask the person whose house it is if they can go and sit in the living/dining room or wherever.

On the other hand, when I go to this person’s house they insist on the DC all hanging out together. Inevitably it will be my DC and their younger DC, but the parent doesn’t like them hanging around the adults. I have told my DC to come and tell me if they’re fed up and we can leave or they can be with us instead.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2021 12:33

I would just leave the 13yo at home in that situation.

UserTwice · 05/04/2021 12:34

Other than the not sitting down to dinner, which is definitely rude, the rest just sounds like a teen trying to amuse themselves. They clearly don't want to be there, which makes me wonder why their parent makes them come?

With my teens I am selective. I expect them to come to important things (e.g. big family events) and to be sociable at these. However, I don't in general drag them to other things they don't want to go to. "very regular" visiting you is probably too much.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:35

Just to say my DC is usually happy to visit their house. He gets on well with the younger DC, well, most of the time.

OP posts:
TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 12:35

I just don’t but into the idea that a 13 year old should be left at home (prob on screens all day) because they are not best mates.

They need to come along and be polite and act as a member of the family.

There are a lot of quid pro quos in family life. Most parents don’t adore every second of cooking, cleaning and chauffeuring, but that is their role. In return, ‘family life’ is part of a teenager’s role. Sometimes it will be fun, sometimes not, but the idea of parents being unpaid servants and it being unreasonable for them to have any expectations in return is not the way to bring up well mannered young people.

Sceptre86 · 05/04/2021 12:38

I would mention it to your friend. She can parent however she likes but it is rude. If there are no sen issues then the parent should leave them at home where it sounds like they would prefer to be.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:38

Ok, so what I’m getting from the responses is that, no, IANBU in thinking it’s rude, but on the other hand IABU to expect a 13 year old to make an effort to be sociable for a couple of hours every few weeks.

OP posts:
WeekendCEO · 05/04/2021 12:39

The part where he complains about eating at the table is rude. The rest wouldn’t bother me. I remember being forced to spend time with kids I didn’t particularly like just because my parents were friends with their parents and it was bloody miserable.

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 12:40

He clearly would rather stay at home and quite frankly should be able to cope alone for a few hours. There's no difference with him being on screens at your house and his and I agree his mother's choices are questionable.

Yanbu enforcing rules like food at the table.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:40

I shall still expect my 13 year old to be sociable when we visit others though. I eave him at home if he’s really not keen.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 05/04/2021 12:41

@Whatisthisfuckery

Ok, so what I’m getting from the responses is that, no, IANBU in thinking it’s rude, but on the other hand IABU to expect a 13 year old to make an effort to be sociable for a couple of hours every few weeks.
It's more their parent is unreasonable to bring them in the first place. They need to get a grip and stop forcing this on their teen in both your and their house, because eventually it's going to lead to arguments.
DaydreamsAndWishes · 05/04/2021 12:41

but the parent doesn’t like them hanging around the adults

Which is why the 13 year old is taking their cue to go and sit away from the adults. They obviously don't feel they have anything in common with the other DC either.

(Just an aside, if the 13 year old wasn't on a screen but instead played ball in the garden by themselves, would it be any different?)

Woodpecker22 · 05/04/2021 12:41

@Excilente

First i'd ask if there was any Autism or other sensory issues? Only asking as my DS is Autistic and this is what he is like, luckily family/friends understand this and are tolerant.. its not like i can leave him at home if we go out.
I was going to say the same thing. My 10 year old with asd cannot eat in company so we let him eat in his own space. Even at his special school he eats separately.
AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2021 12:42

Ok, so what I’m getting from the responses is that, no, IANBU in thinking it’s rude, but on the other hand IABU to expect a 13 year old to make an effort to be sociable for a couple of hours every few weeks.

I think it depends on the 13yo tbh. I would absolutely expect my dd to be sociable for a couple of hours every few weeks, but she is confident, extroverted and comfortable talking to a wide range of people. If I had a teen who was shy, introverted and/or struggled with social anxiety, and found such social interactions really painful, then I'd probably leave them at home.

What I wouldn't do is take them with me and allow them to be antisocial.

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 12:43

@Whatisthisfuckery

Ok, so what I’m getting from the responses is that, no, IANBU in thinking it’s rude, but on the other hand IABU to expect a 13 year old to make an effort to be sociable for a couple of hours every few weeks.
I don't make my kids hang out with the kids of my friends. They are expected to socialise with their extended family but kids of my friends is something that I haven't expected since they started school and could choose their own friends. They wouldn't expect me to be friends with their friends mothers too but liked it when that happened by chance
Kaleidoscopecascade · 05/04/2021 12:43

At 13 I wouldn't be going with a parent visiting their friends. I'd want to be at home or out with my friends.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 12:44

On the other hand, when I go to this person’s house they insist on the DC all hanging out together. Inevitably it will be my DC and their younger DC, but the parent doesn’t like them hanging around the adults. I have told my DC to come and tell me if they’re fed up and we can leave or they can be with us instead.
I'd stop socialising with them, and providing childcare, to be honest. Their ways are too different to yours.