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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:
RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 12:45

I am assuming that the mums were friends first then the kids became friends.

honeylulu · 05/04/2021 12:47

It's a really difficult age. I can remember being the 13-14 year old dragged around to parents' friends and loooong days with extended family when I really didn't want to be there. I always seemed to be the eldest by some way and resented being ordered to "go and play" with much younger kids. My mum would let me me stay with the adults but there were some friends(like yours) who didn't like me hanging around and would keep trying to send me away.

I was polite though I often didn't say much because I was extremely bored and usually I'd get berated on the way home for having been "rude" and "sullen". I'd have much preferred to have been left at home or to have sat in another room quietly with a book (no mobiles in those days).

I don't know what the answer is for your situation, particularly if the parents won't leave the 13 year old at home. You've been firm about the food (though if also be annoyed about the face pulling and barely eating - maybe only put a small amount on their plate "because you never eat much here" ). If I were the parent I'd insist on a couple of minutes polite greeting/conversation and a thank you for their meal, even my 15 year old with ASD can do that. But you aren't the parent so unfortunately you will just have to lump it.

jessstan2 · 05/04/2021 12:47

@Kaleidoscopecascade

At 13 I wouldn't be going with a parent visiting their friends. I'd want to be at home or out with my friends.
Me too, it sounds excruciating.

If this practice continues, maybe when the weather is warm you could have an al fresco meal or barbecue and the girl would probably like that. However it is unrealistic to expect a teenager to socialise with mum's friends, it's bad enough when you're small.

Inaseagull · 05/04/2021 12:49

Maybe they are an introvert? It wouldn't hurt for their parents to instill some manners about asking permission.

Original poster
Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 12:50

These are close family BTW, so not just friends. That’s why it’s a bit more complicated than just stop socialising.

OP posts:
Excilente · 05/04/2021 12:53

she may not realise, it can also be down to how you were bought up.

The kids weren't 'allowed' to socialise in the adult space when i was growing up, we were expected to go socialise together and find something else to do.. if one of us wasn't in the mood, we'd find a quiet place by ourselves.

With my kids and nieces/nephews, we're very much the same.. they can spend maybe the first half hour with us, then they're shoo'ed away so the adults can talk.

katy1213 · 05/04/2021 12:54

Rude - but I wouldn't be entertaining anyone with ill-mannered kids.

WeekendCEO · 05/04/2021 12:54

Well if you’re close family, it’s even less of an issue. Leave the child to do their own thing. My kids are very at home with family, that means they can go and chill in another room. Surely it should all be pretty relaxed with close family.

Excilente · 05/04/2021 12:55

@Whatisthisfuckery

These are close family BTW, so not just friends. That’s why it’s a bit more complicated than just stop socialising.
Family? Then i think you're being U to expect them to ask permission.. i dont with my niece/nephew, my home is their home, they can go where they like/do what they like, so long as they stay out of my bedroom... the rest of the house is free reign.
GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 12:55

@Whatisthisfuckery

These are close family BTW, so not just friends. That’s why it’s a bit more complicated than just stop socialising.
Ah. That would have been relevant Confused
WeekendCEO · 05/04/2021 12:56

Family? Then i think you're being U to expect them to ask permission.. i dont with my niece/nephew, my home is their home, they can go where they like/do what they like,

Same.

MargaretThursday · 05/04/2021 12:59

I'd personally leave the 13yo at home, but maybe that then causes other issues with the 11yo too?

However the food thing could be partially your attitude. I have an issue that if I feel pressure to eat, then I really struggle to eat anything. The more pressure, the harder it is. If I feel I'm going to be judged on not finishing what's on my plate, even by a comment along the lines of "You haven't eaten much", it really does cause me to find it hard to impossible to eat it.

If you let them eat on their own, will they eat better? Because it may be that by insisting they're at the table and your attitude to how much they've eaten you're actually causing the issue.
Try having a casual meal, come and grab pizza or similar, suggest the children can eat it outside, and see if they come and eat anything. Let them entirely choose what they eat and where they eat, and even if they eat. As long as they don't complain afterwards that they're hungry, don't worry.
By relaxing the rules you may find that they are happier to do what you want.

LoudestCat14 · 05/04/2021 13:00

Sorry, you expect teenagers to stay in the same room as you and their parents the entire time you visit their home and vice versa? What on earth for? So they can listen to adults droning on about topics they're almost certainly not interested in?

Confusedandshaken · 05/04/2021 13:01

I'm not going to judge someone else's parenting.

It is very dull for teenagers to be forced to visit people they don't like or have nothing in common with. I can remember it and it was sole destroying listening to adults drone on with nothing to amuse myself. At least youngsters nowadays have phones.

I'd be grateful they were amusing themselves in another room rather than sitting in with me sulking.

You are right to insist they sit up and eat with you if that's your house rule but if they don't want to eat much that's fine. Let them go back to their phone.

MeridianB · 05/04/2021 13:02

It sounds as if the 13yo doesn’t know any better. So the parent is the one allowing this behaviour. I think it’s super rude.

It would really put me off inviting them over. Is this a BF, OP?

TheMoth · 05/04/2021 13:02

Ds is 12. He has nothing in common with his younger cousins. I'll take dd with me, because she's closer in age, but not ds. If I did, I wouldn't let him immediately vanish; he'd have at least go through the motions before I released him.

EnoughnowIthink · 05/04/2021 13:03

We all parent in different ways. We all have our limits. I am sure there is stuff you do/don't do as a parent that other people find unacceptable. I find when we judge these kind of things, they tend to have a habit of biting us on the bum.

MeridianB · 05/04/2021 13:04

Just seen they are close family. Drip feed puts a very different slant on it.

If you are their grandmother then they are being rude. If you are their aunt then less so.

GreyhoundG1rl · 05/04/2021 13:07

@MeridianB

Just seen they are close family. Drip feed puts a very different slant on it.

If you are their grandmother then they are being rude. If you are their aunt then less so.

It does. So much so that you'd have to wonder why it was saved for a later drip feed Hmm
BanginChoons · 05/04/2021 13:09

I don't really get why it bothers you. Kids are people too, with their own thoughts and preferences of how they spemd their time. It doesnt sound as though the kid is being deliberately rude to anyone, more that they feel awkward around being in the company they are being expected to keep.
Socialise with the adults. Let the kids do their own thing.

BoyTree · 05/04/2021 13:09

It sounds like the parent has too many restrictions in place - not allowing the child to stay at home while also not allowing them to be a part of the conversation must be annoying for the child, so I'm not surprised they are less than keen to engage.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 13:09

This is the DC's parents' fault for insisting on dragging their 13yo out on forced social visits.

At 13 and 11, both children are more than capable of being left alone for a few hours.

GabsAlot · 05/04/2021 13:10

the parent is being ridiculous forcing them to come but they are rude wandering round looking for an empty room in someone else house

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 13:10

When I was that age it was expected that kids would find a quiet room and read rather than hang out with the adults. (I'm old so no phones/Internet)

I think the mum should leave teen at home and perhaps have him come and say hi when you visit them before he goes out or does what he wants.

I find it strange that she expects all kids to play together at her house but not yours.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 05/04/2021 13:12

I have one with autism but we usually just leave him at home, he doesn't want to do anyhow.