Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

[Whatisthisfuckery]

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

Is it the adults who are friends, or the children? If it's really you who is friends with the parents, then meet without the children. At that age, teenagers want to make their own friends, and maybe they don't really like your DC? I have several long-standing friends I met when my oldest was a toddler. Our kids used to play together but grew apart as they went to different schools. Now I just meet the adults and it is much better all round.

@Karwomannghia

Regardless of labels, this boy clearly lacks social skills and has anxiety if he’s on the phone every 5 mins when left alone. Maybe he doesn’t like eating in front of other people. I’d have thought you’d know, being good friends with his mum.

The op is closely related to his mum, and him.

For some reason I thought the thirteen year old was a girl but you say 'boy'. Boys are often more easily embarrassed and feel awkward when out visiting. He is only thirteen. He may outgrow this.

The only thing I wouldn't like would be him taking his food elsewhere to eat but sitting at a table with others chatting away may be a bit too much for him. I think I'd leave him at home if he was mine.

@Whatisthisfuckery

This:

BrumBooIt certainly isn’t every week, in fact it’s not even close to every week. Every month at a stretch, and the only younger child is this DC’s own sibling.

Contradicts your opening post:
Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC,

Either it's regular or it's not.

Either way this is far more about the kid being treated like a little kid rather than one who needs to be encouraged to socialise outside of family. It all sounds so miserable for them, can't stay home, shouldn't be looking at phone, hasn't the means or opportunity to go out with friends. I think I'd be rather sullen as well.

This wouldn't bother me at all. My child is autistic and will disappear after 5 minutes of guests/visiting.

But even if the the child is NT I wouldn't mind. They have to come and visit you because their parents make them but they obviously don't want to or enjoy it. Why force company on someone who doesn't want it?!

is it because they still dont feel comfortable leaving the 13 year old alone at home maybe, but the kid has no real interest in socialising with you?

I would call each month, 5 or 6 weeks quite regular. Doesn’t contradict at all. Why are people on here so desperate to root out inconsistencies to accuse OPs of making stuff up?

@Whatisthisfuckery

BrumBoo It certainly isn’t every week, in fact it’s not even close to every week. Every month at a stretch, and the only younger child is this DC’s own sibling. Not out with mates ever. I don’t think they have mates they go out with and I doubt the mother would let them as she’s rather over protective.

Last week it was my birthday and we had a family gathering and a barbecue. The adults sat in my garden as it was nice weather and my DC and younger DC were messing around together, in and out of the house. They sat with us some of the time and went and did other things. Other DC was sat alone on phone for the duration aside from being hauled out to eat something.

I know there are mixed responses but I would be most pissed off with my DC if they did this, but I don’t let my DC sit in their room from morning to night on their phone anyway. We go out for walks, they help with some household stuff, go out cycling with mates and right now they’re playing guitar. Nephew does none of these things, just sits on phone all day, every day, and isn’t expected to do anything. It’s no wonder they have no manners really.

Your posts aren't a clear indication that they have no manners.

Totally rude but I've known some parents who don't make the kids aware of it. So they really don't realise.

@Karwomannghia

Regardless of labels, this boy clearly lacks social skills and has anxiety if he’s on the phone every 5 mins when left alone. Maybe he doesn’t like eating in front of other people. I’d have thought you’d know, being good friends with his mum.

Or maybe he's a 13yo old boy who would rather spend his free time at home chatting to his mates/playing xBox/out playing football than stuck visiting relatives once a month for several hours at a time.

It sounds as though the parent is visiting you, yes?
So the child more than likely doesn't want to be there, and would rather be at their own home doing their own thing. I'd just let them be. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

@Whatisthisfuckery

I would call each month, 5 or 6 weeks quite regular. Doesn’t contradict at all. Why are people on here so desperate to root out inconsistencies to accuse OPs of making stuff up?

I'm not accusing you of making anything up, I just disagree with your idea of 'regular visits' . Considering lockdown and such, how often have you actually seen this kid in the past year? Were they like this as a child or has it just been apparent recently?

I think most of the issues are probably tech addiction. I have a friend who’s dd is on her tablet at every opportunity, even at the dinner table. Has been since I’ve known her age 7. Kept her quiet back then when adults wanted to chat and now it’s like part of her hand. Again back to parenting.

Brumboo Support bubble so seen this kid at my house 7 or 8 times since last June. Don’t know what they were like before as lived a long way away until last year but by all accounts, namely parents, kid has been like this for a long while.

I think it’s just a case of tech addiction and parents never having an issue with it. I think they actually prefer it, especially the father, as the kid never needs any actual interaction, just a wifi connection and a plug socket for charging.

I asked in my OP if it’s rude to go round someone’s house and disappear without a word to sit on phone, and I maintain that it is and wouldn’t be happy if my DC did it. I also asked if it’s crap parenting or just different, I think it’s quite obviously crap parenting to let your DC spend all day every day on phone and not expect them to so much as eat with the rest of the family. I’m sure parenting DC with SEND is different but this DC has nothing like that.

@Whatisthisfuckery, I think you're trying to find excuse and judgement on the kid when you can't accept that they're 13 and just simply find your visits a bore. Yes they're rude, but honestly at this age they really shouldn't be 'made' to do these sort of visits other than at certain times, like Christmas. Honestly, the biggest issue/worry here is how they have apparently no friends to go out with and the fact their parent makes them come with them on such visits regardless of they're obviously boredom/being too old at this point.

Instead of judging the child, I'd be talking to the parents about the above and hopefully now it's getting warmer/lockdown ending that the child will be out and about more as typical teenagers should be.

To those who think this is rude could be missing very valid reasons such as autism. Coping in social situations can be absolute agony for many children who are neurodiverse. They don’t mean to be rude.
To those saying leave the child at home may not consider that there could also be very valid reasons such as depression and suicidal thoughts & thus want that teen with you at all times. Leaving home alone could be risky.
@Whatisthisfuckery maybe the friend thinks you’re being tolerant, helpful and kind by ignoring this behaviour. You say the child has no issues but we don’t always know what’s going on in peoples lives.

The irony is that parents don't want their D.C. 'labelled' so don't tell relatives/friends of a social communication diagnosis or don't seek one. Then the D.C. is labelled as rude or a 'brat'.

Social communication disorders manifest as unusual in wildly different ways - I have one now adult no one has seen for years because he won't visit and locks himself in his room when we have visitors and one 15 year old that relishes a captive audience to monologue to. You can see then wrestling with the dilemma - why won't DS1 come out of his room and talk - why won't DS2 shut the fuck up and go to his room? They don't know how to act and are awkward.

Notably a relative who is a retired head of an outstanding secondary school can't cope with DS2's assumption of equality or greater knowledge of niche subjects. He'll interrupt her, he will talk over her, he will correct her - but only if what she is saying is wrong or ignorant. Not for the social impact of challenging authority or deliberately breaking social rules. The social is not on his radar.

Tbh though kids can't 'win' or be understood and parents can't 'win' or be understood - no diagnosis = rude - bad parents. Diagnosis = rude - diagnosis is just a cover for bad parents.

The undramatic truth is that for some Teflon coated D.C. the social is not on their agenda and rule breaking has little effect but for other DCs the social is the be all and end all but they just don't get the rules and feel flayed and so avoid all social situations. For those, suffering is real and most parents go above and beyond to help and support them deal with social situations. For example I went to tribunal for ss, started JR proceedings with SOS!SEN - this is what I mean by above and beyond. If you have no experience and you have never had to go there, you have no grounds to judge.

My relatives were unaware of the hours of prep before a visit and were unaware of the hours of processing post visit despite knowing diagnosis. It's just beyond their ken. That's OK. But they don't get to judge.

Couldn’t agree more @KOKOagainandagain and very well said. So much judgement in this thread; it’s heartbreaking.

@ComplexNeeds

Couldn’t agree more *@KOKOagainandagain* and very well said. So much judgement in this thread; it’s heartbreaking.

I'm personally not judging, but I also do think a uncommunicative child/teen doesn't always mean we should assume autism or any other cognitive/mental health disorder. Especially when the op has firmly stated they don't believe that's the case.

Of course, that in no way means that isnt the case, for all we know the OP is very naive or in the dark about any difficulties this child has. It doesn't read like they would be very accepting of that, even if it were the case (I also have a child with suspected ASD who will natter your ear off, people are not understanding at times). We can only take what is given as information, so in this instance we have a teen who shows lack of manners, but also seems very 'babied' by everyone in expectations. Which perpetuates a circle of more sullen behaviour, and it's all just very miserable. No one seems to be interested in what the 13 year old actually wants to do. Even if they're not in a position to be left alone at this age (unusual for a teen), from what the op says they have both parents around - surely they can stay with Dad at home?

Yes, but it could be just as likely that this child is not SEN. It seems every thread where someone has poor behaviour it’s because they are SEN or they have depression or because because... it’s probably just as likely not that reason.

My niece was like this; it turns out that she’s actually autistic, and eating, or being in the same room as everyone else was too much of a sensory overload.

Lol, you have to laugh at how these threads go.

So what have you organised for them to do while they visit? It sounds deathly for them - the other DC get on well and the adults don't want the kids around!

I don't really see how them sitting in another room affects you, unless you don't want them in that room (in which case you should say so). They should eat at the table, yes.

My 15 year old niece is like this but if you talk to her about something that interests her, you can draw her out.

I wouldn't be so sure there's no SEN either. As this thread amply shows, it attracts judgement so parents are cagey and some don't seek diagnosis, which is hard to.get anyway.

'Lack of manners'. WTF

You mean implicitly understood rules of social interaction? Like turn taking, reciprocity, eye contact, appropriate distance?

So your redefining diagnostic criteria of social communication disorders as lack of manners?

So if all DC were taught 'manners' there would be no social communication disorders like autism?

So we parents have failed to teach 'manners' and are babying?

Do you know how ignorant and insulting your comment is?

Lack of manners in autism is like lack of blood sugar control in type I diabetes. Unfortunately there is not the option of injecting the missing control mechanism in autism. So unfortunately the outcomes are worse with regards to education, employment and independent living

I should have added that my niece has lovely manners and my DD's not bad either. DD is diagnosed, DNiece is not although (to me at least) has obvious traits.

When I was 13 being forced to sit with my extended family or play with my cousins who I didn’t get on with would have been my idea of hell!

I do still have contact with my Aunts and Uncles at varying degrees but me and my cousins have always been chalk and cheese type people so don’t force a relationship.