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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

227 replies

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/04/2021 11:57

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

OP posts:

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 05/04/2021 13:12

Like hell. Pull them up on it!

Atalune · 05/04/2021 13:12

If this is your niece of nephew then I don’t think you should feel inhibited to ask them to be a bit sociable with you all.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/04/2021 13:17

Dn does this at mine but he’s a lot younger. If he’s playing or reading no problem. If he wants screens then as we have a strict rule of no unsupervised ss he usually finds his way to the other kids eventually.

MzHz · 05/04/2021 13:22

@Excilente

First i'd ask if there was any Autism or other sensory issues? Only asking as my DS is Autistic and this is what he is like, luckily family/friends understand this and are tolerant.. its not like i can leave him at home if we go out.

That was my first thought actually

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 13:32

I am amazed at the amount of parents who think virtually unlimited screen time is ok for a 13 year old. If you let them ‘chill’ or stay at home, they will be on screens 6 or 7 hours.

AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2021 13:35

If you let them ‘chill’ or stay at home, they will be on screens 6 or 7 hours.

Not all kids are addicted to screens.

In any case, it sounds like this kid is glued to their phone anyway, so they might as well do that at home where they aren't being rude than in company.

georgarina · 05/04/2021 13:38

Disappearing might or might not be rude, depending on the context, as long as they say hello and are together - but I do find trying to eat somewhere else rude and wouldn't accept it. Also if they take themselves off alone and ignore your DC I would find that rude. 13 is more than old enough to know how to behave around people.

Some family let their kids behave like that when we were young (kids are all now my age) and I always thought it was really disrespectful - kids are all well adjusted now and close as a family but there's still somewhat of an undercurrent of disrespect to their mum in particular even now we're adults (starts with their dad who is also disrespectful).

What do your DC say about it? Do they like spending time with these kids/what do they think about their behaviour?

WhoisRebecca · 05/04/2021 13:40

My dd is autistic and sometimes doesn’t want to eat with us. I wouldn’t force her to come out with us though either.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 13:42

@TheReluctantPhoenix

I am amazed at the amount of parents who think virtually unlimited screen time is ok for a 13 year old. If you let them ‘chill’ or stay at home, they will be on screens 6 or 7 hours.

But the teenager in question is already spending hours on a screen on their own, so what difference would it make?

Also, I'm pretty sure most thirteen year olds are more than capable of locking the house up and taking themselves off to the park or whatever to catch up with friends.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2021 13:43

A 13 year old is too old to be dragged round to houses he doesn't want to visit.

GordonsAliveAndEatsPies · 05/04/2021 13:44

No. I would not expect someone who came to the house to be so anti social. If my DC behaved like that they would get a telling off with the expectation it didn’t happen again. But that’s just me.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 13:46

@Viviennemary,

Well, yes they are.

You, and a few others, are implying that a 13 year old is virtually an autonomous adult.

What is the problem of expecting a 13 year old to suck up the odd boring day? Life is about compromise. I remember dreading certain boring days out with my parents, but I learned to do my best and that it would end soon enough, a lesson that has stood me in good stead in my adult life.

Dressinggownchic · 05/04/2021 13:49

Could you make the other room off bounds for some reason?
Working on private paperwork so left out?
Decorating?
Storing gifts?
Absolutely anything?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 13:51

What is the problem of expecting a 13 year old to suck up the odd boring day?

No problem, but equally, what's the point?

Life is about compromise. I remember dreading certain boring days out with my parents, but I learned to do my best and that it would end soon enough, a lesson that has stood me in good stead in my adult life.

I remember similar days and I hated it. As an adult, I wouldn't spend my free time hanging around places I didn't want to be, either.

Tinofcokeforme · 05/04/2021 13:56

My 13yo wouldnt behave like that but only because i wouldnt take them with me. Clearly that child didnt want to be there so why force them

Ifonlyidknownthen · 05/04/2021 13:57

Personally this wouldn't bother me as at 13 it can be very boring to sit and listen to adults have boring adult conversations. My DC is 14 and I don't even take her to friends houses like this anymore as I know it's not fun for her, not even to friends that have DC same age, as the dc aren't friends just because we, the parents, are. Id stop taking your DC to peoples houses that she doesn't want to be at if I was you.

VodkaSlimline · 05/04/2021 13:58

YANBU, this is very rude. The parents shouldn't let the DC bring their phone on visits to other people's houses.

sociallydistained · 05/04/2021 13:59

I find this hard to judge because this would of been me at this age. Just at home though. I preferred being alone (still do. Introverted) but I think they also need to be taught to try a bit harder when it comes to meal times etc. Should come down willingly and engage stay and help tidy up and then maybe slip off. You can’t force them to hang out but there is a fine line between being rude and they need to be taught how to navigate it.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 05/04/2021 13:59

@sunflowersandbuttercups,

Really?

Because I love hanging around trampoline parks, Nerf wars etc (not). And I adore (not) taking a child to a sport, watching him do it in the freezing cold (not allowed indoors now) and chauffeuring him home again.

And, of course, making small talk with other adults that I have nothing in common with, as they are the parents of my children’s friends.

You would be a very rare adult if you had not put yourself through endless boring hours and days supporting your children.

It is a strange idea (to me) that teens get a free pass from family obligations, whilst enjoying full support from parents at home, both financial and time.

It is a modern phenomenon, as witnessed by most reminiscences from our own childhoods, and does not exist in many cultures. In my opinion, it is not healthy and will not prepare them well for adult life.

Oblomov21 · 05/04/2021 14:04

No. This is not ok. As parents we instruct our child how to behave, so on such a rare and one-off-occasion, what societal norms and expectations are, even if you don't like it/enjoy it, to basically pretend that you do, out of politeness.

This is such poor parenting.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 05/04/2021 14:04

Doing something for your child is not the same - surely you can see that? You chose to have children, so taking them places is part and parcel of being a parent to them.

And, of course, making small talk with other adults that I have nothing in common with, as they are the parents of my children’s friends.

Again, a choice you make when you choose to have children.

You would be a very rare adult if you had not put yourself through endless boring hours and days supporting your children.

I don't have children yet, but doing boring things for your kids is just part of being a parent, as I've said. If you don't want to take them to activities, sporting matches or playdates, don't have them in the first place.

It is a strange idea (to me) that teens get a free pass from family obligations, whilst enjoying full support from parents at home, both financial and time.

How else is a thirteen year old supposed to survive if their parents don't support them, then?

I totally disagree. I don't think it serves any purpose to spend your free time/weekends being bored shitless when there are other options available to you.

Many parents "drop and run" once their children are old enough to be left - isn't this similar? Yes, when DC are small they have to be taken along, but surely the beauty of having a teenager is that you CAN leave them behind?

Oblomov21 · 05/04/2021 14:06

Mind you, no 13 year old needs to come. They can stay at home, at aged 12. Then your friend and you can chat as much as you like.

Can't she cut the apron strings? And leave him at home?

Oblomov21 · 05/04/2021 14:08

Coming every few weeks?
Fuck that!

Skysblue · 05/04/2021 14:10

Wow they sound hopelessly addicted to their phone. That’s quite sad.

Yes it is very rude. And appalling parenting / guest behaviour by the parent.

Do they have any kind of friendship with your same age DC? If not maybe talk to their parent about trying to facilitate one ie have a no screentime meetup with some bonding activities - garden games or whatever - and see if can improve it?

Oblomov21 · 05/04/2021 14:11

"suck up the odd boring day? "

But, it's not, is it?

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