Would you allow your DC to behave like this?

[Whatisthisfuckery]

Someone who visits my house quite regularly has two DC, one of whom, who is 13, same age and sex as my DC, will come in, say hello, then go off into an empty room and play/talk on their phone until they are called to leave. If we are having food they will need to be called several times, then someone will have to go and fetch them, and they will come and get their plate and try to take it back to the room where they have been sitting. I don’t allow food anywhere but at the table in my house so when they are told they must eat at the table they pull a face then leave most of their food.

AIBU to find this incredibly rude, and AIBU to think it’s shit parenting to allow a DC to behave like this? I wouldn’t allow it at home, let alone in company.

Is this just one of those differences in parenting style things that I should just ignore, or am I justified in finding it really rude and off putting, to the point where I resent this DC coming to my house.

it can also be down to how you were bought up.

My parents were very hot on manners, looking after our guests etc. with everyone encouraged forced to act the same. Family Events could be excruciating, they were things to be survived.

Nowadays, my sister takes the lead and everyone is 'allowed' to do their own thing so long as they are safe.

Family events are so.much.nicer now that different approaches are welcome, comfort and safety are the main drivers.

Could you find it in yourself to think that the child is happy alone and enjoy the rest of the event?

Your house your rules

Unless there are other issues going on eg autism/anxiety it’s just rude to do this. I’ve always taken a strict line on phones which my children have appreciated. Their peer group will be irritated by this behaviour as well. It’s not normal.

Totally Agree @beautifuldaytosavelives and @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Tbh as a kid my parents used to make my siblings and I got to various of their friends'houses so they could socialise but then us kids would all be expected to "play nicely together" despite the fact we were various ages and had nothing in common beyond our parents being friends.

I used to hate it and as an introverted bookworm I would take a book and would either sit in the corner of the living room - or whatever room we were sent to play in - and just read until we went home. I didn't want to be there but until I was old enough to stay home alone I didn't have a choice about being there but I did have a choice about who/what I engaged with.

You know the child doesn't want to be there and socialise so either tell your friend to leave them at home or leave them to it - what harm are they doing wanting to be alone?

would reading a book be acceptable?
would prefer to sit quietly with a book

ah, but you gals don't get it, books are different. Reading a phone = "condemn the anti-social screen addict". Reading a book = "be kind to the poor little introvert"

Totally different. If you have prejudices against screens and for books, anyway. #irony

fwiw, I got hassled loudly scolded by my parents for being anti-social... because I went off to read books in a quiet space by myself at parties they dragged me to. They were super embarrassed by me.

@Whatisthisfuckery

There is no ASD or sensory issues present. This DC and my DC are friendly enough, my DC is definitely not avoiding.

I think it’s just the immediate disappearance when they walk through the door that gets on my nerves so much. They will literally walk in the door, see which room other people are in and go in an empty one. Personally I would would never assume to just go into an empty room at someone else’s house.

Anyway I know it’s petty and there’s nothing I can do about it, I just wondered if it’s just me who thinks it’s rude.

Are you sure that the child has no sensory or other issues? Do you mean that none have been diagnosed or there are none that you know of?

Child obviously doesn't want to be there. Given the low opinion you seem to have of your "friend" I'm not sure why she wants to be there either.

Why does the 13-year-old need to be there, and what are you trying to accomplish by forcing them to visit when they'd clearly rather not? That's old enough to be left home alone if the parents want to visit you.

Yes this appears rude but you’re an adult and can work out there is probably more going on here. It may be anxiety or depression. Struggles with puberty or difficult relationship with parents. Why not extend some warmth and empathy rather than just dismissing them as rude.

And I have tbh you don’t sound like a very nice person.

Are you in the UK?

Fit a lock to the door of the room that child wanders into! I would absolutely not like other people's children walking around my home.

I have similar with a close friends eldest child. They definitely have a tech/ screen addiction. It's a bit different as when they come here they come to stay. I just simply don't allow it. I have limited internet at home and there is no phone signal here (live out in the sticks). So when they are here we go out and do things and we all go. Her eldest isn't allowed to stay home alone at mine. When we are in the house the internet is only to be used for everyone to watch something etc. If all individuals try to use it it doesn't work well and it's the only way I can receive phone calls. The kids don't like it much but after 24hrs or so they are generally much nicer to be around!

Poor parenting, and thei shouldn't be in your home anyway

Many 13 year olds are just pretty self absorbed and defiant, slaves to their friends and their hormones. Lacking in social know how.

He will have an inner monologue that justifies his behaviour at your house: you know, I am just dragged along to these awful get togethers which are completely boring and there's nothing for me to do. Everyone just ignores me all afternoon until it's time to go home. Frankly no one would care if I was dead or alive etc

If the parents pull them up on their behaviour, while out they risk triggering Armageddon in a rather public manner which would probably ruin the afternoon for everyone. So they have settled for putting up with the nonsense.

As host you should at least make a small effort to see he's comfortable and pull him in. Even if he is rude.

Maybe ask him to help lay the table or chop up some vegetables. Ask his opinion on something about the meal (tomatoes, cucumber or both, you know..) Then maybe there's an opportunity to chat, find out a bit more about him.

You could try and coax him away from his phone with a game of poker or something. Or talk to him about phones. You'll be doing all the heavy lifting - but it's something to build on so he's happier to keep coming to see you

I think it's rude unless the child has a neurodiversity that makes socialising difficult for them

You don't know peoples circumstances. Don't be so quick to call them a shit parent because they don't do things the way you do.

It's pretty rude, yes, and unless the parents are a bit strange, I'm sure they know it's rude. They might have just got to the 'pick your battles' stage though as some people have a much harder time with some teens and their moods than others. If that's the case, they should really just leave him at home. The eating bit would bother me, but the rest wouldn't, but I have a child who is really grumpy since the hormones have hit, so probably see it from a different perspective.

Your rules ref eating at the table are your right to stand by. If the DC doesn't then eat then that's the child and or parents issue, not yours. It sounds like you feel uncomfortable in your own home with this behaviour, which I can understand. Could you ask your friend what's going on and if DC is possibly uncomfortable being there/ being made to come. It sounds like they'd prefer to be left at home. I feel for DC to be honest. Could you ask them whether there is anything they would like to do that you can all do together when visiting

There's also nothing wrong with saying we have a rule ref screens here which is that you can't be on them24/7. So, what would you like to do that we can all do? Ask the DC.

Why does the kid have to come to yours? Clearly they don't want to be there, and unless I'm missing something, could presumably be left at home.
I have teens and they could think of nothing worse than eating with people they don't know that well (one has disagnosed misophonia), or who don't really like them.

My friends 15 year old is like this, I’ve told her not to insist she comes with her. She’s constantly on her phone and doesn’t have any interest in socialising. Not autistic at all, I’ve known her all her life. Just a teenager who’s parents have a blind spot to how rude she comes across when she doesn’t acknowledge anything or anyone but her phone. 🤷‍♀️

@CatsHairEverywhere2, not it's not helpful to me to sound sharp.

But I am utterly baffled by threads that are simply whinging or airing resentments. I can't get what this behaviour means.

I guess i should just shrug & hide all threads that are basically giant moans. Not sure what would be left on MN, but you're right that sharing resentments may be something I just have to accept some people like to do and I can never understand.

I think it is rude on any level, choice to attend or not! That is just NOT the way to behave in someone else's house !