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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter lunch - who is right him or me?

430 replies

Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 11:53

We were lucky to have a family invite for Easter lunch yesterday.
We arrived and BIL and SIL were clearly tipsy and in high spirits already. Music is blaring, everyone was drinking wine. It was sunny and lovely outside, and none of us have been out for four months with 'other people'. Drinks were flowing. Everyone laughing all good.

Dh barely drinks so is always happy to drive. SIL and family and I are having a blast, and to be fair we were having a great time. I have two teens. We left around 3 and a half hours later. Given it takes nearly two hours to get there - it is always usually an afternoon.

On the way home Dh tells me I was too loud. Teens then join in and to be fair they consider any kind of drinking 'sad' and for 'old people' and so were not impressed, they apparently were bored and wanted to leave earlier, and told me I have 'lost my filter' I actually felt like I was being told off on the way home, like a naughty child - I am nearly 50!

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

Both dh and dc are quite open about being introverted, I am the opposite, and live for friends and family and I have really missed laughing with others. Honestly it has been endless this winter for me.
They are not keen on the lockdown ending and all three socialise reluctantly. I am usually mindful of this, and respect our differences, but they seem to look down on me, as if wanting to be with other people is some kind of weakness or sin.

Should I have stuck to one drink and left early as they would have preferred? Or right to enjoy what short time I had having fun whilst I could? I am feeling bad this morning, when actually all I did was relax and have a few drinks in the sunshine (at no point was I actually drunk or anything!)

OP posts:
JokeTheCoalman · 05/04/2021 12:11

I wouldn't give it another thought. Unless you were falling about, flashing, or being nasty then I think they are wrong to criticise you.
I would love to see my mum enjoy herself when we were young as life was a drudge

Mellonsprite · 05/04/2021 12:11

@MyDcAreMarvel

How horrible for your teens , you clearly were drunk and embarrassing yourself and them. Have your midlife crisis in your own time. If you have to get drunk and humiliate your children to enjoy life maybe think about a hobby.
Wow, if listening to Spanish guitar music for 3 hrs with family and a bit of wine (after we’ve been in a lockdown for a year), is judged as a mid life crisis then a lot of us are screwed! Teens think everything is embarrassing.
Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 12:11

I am not alone I am sure when I say we have all been through so much this past year, I am glad to be alive to be honest and it was the most lovely of days. I haven't felt so happy in a long time.

OP posts:
Horehound · 05/04/2021 12:12

@Itsalonghaul

I have some fun loving friends, and dh is always moaning about them, so I see them alone and we have fun and I can be myself. In two weekends we are going out, and I am dreading the lectures already. Even if I drink soft drinks and drive home as I often do, he will say it is too late or find some excuse to complain about it. I really need to be able socialise, and not feel bad for enjoying the company of others. It is almost like they don't like it, so no one is allowed.
God this sounds miserable. Do you want to actually live like this op?
Howshouldibehave · 05/04/2021 12:12

Blimey-they sound totally joyless!

Two households sitting in a garden which is perfectly acceptable.

Ignore and say you’ll go on your own. Is there any sort of backstory with these relatives? How are BIL/SIL related to your family-are they on your side and your DH doesn’t like them or anything like that?

Potpourriandpennysweets · 05/04/2021 12:12

I don't drink but I still have a loud laugh and my filter is probably not fabulous. After a year of restriction, I might not get my baps out but I would definitely sing to Gloria Gaynor standing On a table. They sound like miserable kill joys. We need to let loose a little some times. Connection and fun, these are so important. Especially now

Mamette · 05/04/2021 12:13

They sound like they were ganging up on you a bit, to have a go. Your teens are learning it’s ok to speak to you like that from your DH.

I would have a word with H and say you’re not willing to tolerate any judgmental comments in front of the DC in future, and if he has an issue he can wait until you are alone to discuss it. Teen comments should be met with a united front of “don’t speak to me/ your mum like that please”.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2021 12:13

My view is that its our first day out after lockdown, a few drinks is to be expected and I think it was fun, what is the problem?!

There's absolutely no problem with that imo

However, they don't have to like the louder you when you've had a few drinks.

Horses for courses. Go alone next time and really let your hair down then everyone's happy.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 12:15

I am disappointed that I don't even have one dc that is up for fun, so the balance in our family has gone. No one enjoys seeing other people at all. They see no value in it at all.
It is their choice of course, I totally get it is not for them and understand, and they are very very happy to be chilled by themselves, and don't really 'do' gatherings. This has got worse over the lockdown.

I will go on my own next time.

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 05/04/2021 12:15

It sounds absolutely joyless and I couldn't live like that. Your DH sounds totally miserable.

Frogartist · 05/04/2021 12:16

It is sad that you needed alcohol to have fun.

HadEnoughOfBears · 05/04/2021 12:17

@Frogartist

It is sad that you needed alcohol to have fun.
Oh FFS. Nowhere does it say that. Only on MN!!
BiggerBoat1 · 05/04/2021 12:18

If it was just adults I'd say go for it, but if you've embarrassed your teens then you have gone too far.

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 12:18

would have a word with H and say you’re not willing to tolerate any judgmental comments in front of the DC in future, and if he has an issue he can wait until you are alone to discuss it. Teen comments should be met with a united front of “don’t speak to me/ your mum like that please”

I agree with this, I am going to mention this to him in a minute. I don't like having family discussions that centre around things that they disapprove of. There is a dynamic of pity that I am almost 'needy' for enjoying seeing friends and family. It isn't good, and they def do all gang up together. It makes me feel awful. Like I am huge disappointment to everyone.

Some people love me for loud laugh and the fact I enjoy a good time. Not them.

OP posts:
OhYesChurchill · 05/04/2021 12:19

As a parent, it's your duty to embarrass your teens.
If you want to get pissed then stand on the table belting out Gloria with your baps in or out, then do so.
I'll probably be pissed and throwing up over the hydrangea while it's all going on.
Good skills OP.

HadEnoughOfBears · 05/04/2021 12:19

@MyDcAreMarvel

How horrible for your teens , you clearly were drunk and embarrassing yourself and them. Have your midlife crisis in your own time. If you have to get drunk and humiliate your children to enjoy life maybe think about a hobby.
My teen was "literally mortified" on Saturday when her friend saw me wearing slippers. Slippers. Those well known incredibly embarrassing items of footwear. Teens will always be embarrassed, it's part of their job description.
sadpapercourtesan · 05/04/2021 12:20

It's not hard to embarrass teens, though. One of mine had a shitfit about me going to his parents' evening wearing earrings he considered too embarrassing.

secondtimebuyer1 · 05/04/2021 12:21

@Frogartist

It is sad that you needed alcohol to have fun.
Hello OP's husband Grin

OP, ignore them - you sound fun.

Soothes · 05/04/2021 12:21

It's impossible to know without being there. It's highly likely that you were much louder and inappropriate than you think you were, but also that teens who didn't want to be there anyway found the behaviour cringey, even though it might not have been that bad.

If DH, a man you presumably love and respect and who knows and accepts you like to socialise, also found it a bit much, you may have an issue.

Joe50 · 05/04/2021 12:21

I have been in your shoes a few times. I don't get plastered but when I am with friends and especially my sister, I am so comfortable in their company we just bring out the best in each other. It's not a crime to laugh and have fun but I have been made to feel ashamed by my husband and teens the next day. I think some people need to chill out! I do find my husband's attitude a bit controlling sometimes like I can't be myself. Family dynamics are hard sometimes and getting the right balance to keep everyone happy is a struggle. Don't feel bad, hold your head up high today and be confident and proud that you had a good time yesterday x

Original poster
Itsalonghaul · 05/04/2021 12:21

Dh is good company and lovely to live with most of the time, he just doesn't love going out with other people at all. And certainly not bigger gatherings of more than two. SIL and BIL have 4 dc (all older teens and adults) and SIL is dh's sister and we have always got on really well. I would choose her as a friend, and love the fact we have a good relationship. I really value our relationship - we have been through a lot over the years.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 05/04/2021 12:21

Saying you had lost your filter would be the bit that would concern me in case I had said something inappropriate or offensive without realising it.

And if it’s two hours away, you don’t really want to go for only an hour or two.

I think maybe save this behaviour for when they are not around as you can really be yourself and feel less judged, you’ll be happier as will they.

But maybe check the filter comment.

MakeItRain · 05/04/2021 12:21

There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a few drinks and socialise. But I expect it was really boring for them to be stuck in a garden with blaring music while everyone else drank alcohol and laughed their heads off.

I'm more like your family, though I like a drink with friends sometimes. The amount of times I got told I was "boring", by my ex while he slowly got drunk and loud at barbecues and I sat trying to be polite but underneath wishing I could go home. He never got "completely drunk" either, but it can still be really tedious to be around loud, drunk people if for whatever reason you can't join in with it. (I was usually the driver.)

I think the answer is to socialise without them. Or else discuss beforehand what the plan is timing-wise, especially if you're relying on someone else for your lift home, or if you have teenagers who are inevitably going to find the situation really boring.

I wouldn't take your teen's comments to heart though. Teenagers can be very critical of their parents. My teen dd would not be impressed if I got loud and drunk in her presence. "No filter" to a teen probably just means loud laughter and a glass of wine - highly embarrassing from a parent of course! Just leave them home next time.

Stonerosie67 · 05/04/2021 12:23

Today 12:04MyDcAreMarvel
How horrible for your teens , you clearly were drunk and embarrassing yourself and them. Have your midlife crisis in your own time. If you have to get drunk and humiliate your children to enjoy life maybe think about a hobby.

Just when you think you've seen it all on mn, along comes this!!!
OP, is this your family writing this????
You did nothing wrong, leave them at home next time. They sound dreadful!

mrsed1987 · 05/04/2021 12:24

I think you should just take it on the chin, don't let it bother you.

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