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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be mad I’m being paid back really slowly?

246 replies

crazykoo124 · 04/04/2021 23:39

One of my close friends borrowed £1000 from me last year promising to return it. She’s been my friend since early childhood so I had no problem in doing so.

She’s now paying me back £50/month for 20 months? I said that this is annoying as I’d like the lump sum back but she just laughed and said that she’s already worked out the finances for it.

I know I should’ve been bolder and said actually no but I genuinely didn’t have the guts to do so. I’ve told my husband and he’s raging and I’m quite angry too now. He does have a littleeee bit of a short fuse so I’m just wondering.... are we being unreasonable? And would you be ok to be paid back this slowly when you gave her the lump sum within 24 hours.

OP posts:
mytwocats · 05/04/2021 08:51

get it in writing. it's not rocket science. lent to x. date. to be paid back by x @ so much a month , to be fully repaid by date. any outstanding past the total repay date will result in civil action. 2copies both signed easy.

FunnyWonder · 05/04/2021 08:51

I just hope your friend pays the money back, whatever the method. My DP has lent money to three of his siblings over the years and not one of them has paid it all back. More fool him as we could be doing with it now. They started off very earnestly paying back regular amounts, then skipped the odd payment, then just took the piss. DP is soft hearted and would probably lend them more if he could afford it. Drives me bloody mad. And I look like the big bad wolf for telling him to wise up.

denverRegina · 05/04/2021 08:52

"I told her that she can save the £50 a month for 20 months and in 20 months she can transfer the £1000 to me directly."

Eh? What a bloody stupid thing to do. You both sound as bad as each other tbh.

Atalantea · 05/04/2021 08:54

[quote crazykoo124]@jessstan2 out of sheer curiosity - does anyone here use paperwork/agreements when lending friends money??[/quote]
For that amount, er yeah!

HugeAckmansWife · 05/04/2021 08:59

I did have to have an uncomfortable conversation with a relative once. After a house sale I was in a position to lend 5k. We did agree repayment terms, just 'when she could afford it'. It was obvious for a while that she couldn't but then her and her partner got new jobs, restructured their finances and started by new gadgets / tech every month. I had to remind her at that point and a SO was slightly grudgingly set up. I can't remember the repayment amount now but it took a while. OP I think you are being precious about this, just put the £50 somewhere else yourself.

dottiedodah · 05/04/2021 09:02

I honestly think that "loans " To friends /anyone at all are a bad idea.If said friend has to ask for loans from their chums, the they are most likely in hot water financially and unable to approach banks or financial institutions .I have seen it said that you should never risk lending cash you cant afford to lose .Often treat it as a gift! ATM I would accept the fifty quid a month,otherwise she will probably not pay any of it back!

Karwomannghia · 05/04/2021 09:03

My 2 experiences of lending a lot of money didn’t go well. Both ended up then not speaking to me (avoiding this issue basically). I specifically said to the second one, just don’t stop speaking to me I’d rather just forget the money but she did. That was the only condition I put on and it didn’t work! For the other I said please set up a direct debit rather than just transferring bits. She ignored that and made me out to be unreasonable. She had the audacity to chase me for an electric bill after about 1 day. House share. I said take it off what you owe me. That was bang out of order apparently.
Those who borrow are always skint and shows what they’re like with money. Anyway I was quite young then, early 20s and decided never to lend money again.

Whatafustercluck · 05/04/2021 09:03

Thing is op, if she hasn't got the lump sum then she hasn't got it. She's paying you back what she can afford. That's how loans - from banks at least - tend to work. You should have discussed all this with her before giving her the money.

Icantrememebrtheartist · 05/04/2021 09:05

You should not have lent her the money if you needed it paid back quickly. At least she is paying it back.

I know how hard it is to say no I’ve been there! Over a period of about 2 years I lent my best friend over £2,500, £200 here, £300 there. She was in a really troubled marriage, financially struggling and couldn’t talk to her husband about money because it caused terrible rows so I felt sorry for her. Out of the blue she ended our friendship and I never got any of the money back.

The saying Don’t lend what you can’t afford to lose! Is very true.

UntamedWisteria · 05/04/2021 09:06

Charge her interest.

Concestor · 05/04/2021 09:12

YABU you didn't agree any terms of repayment and so she has organised her own.It's perfectly understandable that she may only have a spare £50 per month to pay you back and if she has set it up as a regular standing order (and if she hasn't I would ask her to do this and show you proof) then I think that is perfectly reasonable. In future if you are lending money you should agree terms beforehand and get it on writing signed by you both. I have only lent a friend money once and we had a written agreement on how much would be paid back each month. It's the only sending way to do it. Or just don't lend money.

toocold54 · 05/04/2021 09:13

If I lent someone money/borrowed it from someone I assume the re-payments would be in instalments. If she could afford £1000 in a lump sum why would she need to borrow it in the first place?

You could ask her to give it to you in 20months time but then if you fall out you’ll lose out on all of the money. Or if her finances change she may not be able to afford it. I’d rather get what I can as soon as possible.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 05/04/2021 09:17

I don't lend friends money. Twice I have "lent" money to friends in desperate circumstances (single parent, useless fecker of a partner who left etc etc). It was money I could afford to give them. Shortly after the loan I told them not to worry about paying it back.

washthem · 05/04/2021 09:19

@crazykoo124

Just to add - I told her that she can save the £50 a month for 20 months and in 20 months she can transfer the £1000 to me directly. As I know that I won’t ever see the £50 it’ll just be spent - receiving £1000 means I will put it away or spend it on something bigger like a getaway
You could save the £50 every month yourself
Chickychickydodah · 05/04/2021 09:19

Don’t lend people money!
Best friends, family, it doesn’t work and only causes problems...

Totallyworthit · 05/04/2021 09:20

@crazykoo124

Just to add - I told her that she can save the £50 a month for 20 months and in 20 months she can transfer the £1000 to me directly. As I know that I won’t ever see the £50 it’ll just be spent - receiving £1000 means I will put it away or spend it on something bigger like a getaway
She knows she can’t save it into a lump sum herself so as you suggested £50 a month for 20 months she is giving it to you.
opalescent · 05/04/2021 09:29

Most people who need to borrow from friends aren't realistically going to end up with a £1000 lump sum to be able to pay back.
I think the best suggestion here is to redirect her monthly payment into an account that you don't use daily.

Hankunamatata · 05/04/2021 09:29

She is paying you back. Ypu have to right to be cross. You didnt agree terms a d how it would be paid back. Friend recognises she cant save and wants to make sure you get your money. Chill out and get her to pay money into seperate account and dont touch it

MeanderingGently · 05/04/2021 09:31

I have borrowed from friends before, when I have been utterly desperate and have no other option. One friend has lent to me twice, fairly sizeable amounts in the past (more than £1000).

I have always paid it back, without fail. However, I have never, ever been in a position to give a lump sum....how could I when I had so little in the first place? My own friend always drew up a written agreement which I had to sign, we agreed the payback amount each month, the timescale and also that the payments would continue in the event of my friend's death, going to their partner instead. I doubt the agreement could have been enforced if I had broken it but it just made it more formal and more likely I would stick to it.

I think you are lucky your friend is paying back. I can't understand the wanting it back in a lump sum thing, all loans, even bank loans, are paid back by instalment. If you haven't got the self discipline to put the £50 aside because you don't want to spend it, well, that's your own issue and you can't blame that on the friend you lent the money to.

BakewellGin1 · 05/04/2021 09:32

Get the 50 per month transferred into your savings account then it will build up nicely again.

I'm sure if she had 1000 readily available she would never have asked to loan it from you.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 05/04/2021 09:33

[quote crazykoo124]@jessstan2 out of sheer curiosity - does anyone here use paperwork/agreements when lending friends money??[/quote]
I did when I lent a v close friend a couple of thousand. His idea - he drew it up and we both signed it. He also told his family so that, in the case of his death, I'd be repaid out of his estate.

It wasn't legally binding (I don't think) but having something in writing made us both feel better.

WombatChocolate · 05/04/2021 09:35

To be honest, you were totally daft not to lay down the terms of repayment BEFORE giving a loan. Plus, you were a bit daft not to spot her financial position and ethic was such that getting it all back speedily or in one go was unlikely.

The lack of communication was and is the problem.

Now you are resentful but you still haven’t clearly communicated with her. You are seething and your DH is too but still no clear communication. And of course, it is diff hilt now because the terms weren’t agreed in advance. And this will likely be the ruination of your friendship and you might never get all the moment the money back.

Unless you’re prepared to accept whatever friend chooses to do or pay, you need to sit down for a chat and then out things in an email. It might not work (your fault for leaving it open ended before lending) but you can at least try.

  • make clear that 20 payments is too long and you need the money sooner.
  • look to agree something like 6 or 12 payments. Be firm. Put the agreement in writing in email. Ask her to adjust her other finances to pay you back and prioritise you. Make the point clearly that given you lent the money and were kind enough to do so, you’d hope she will now prioritise you and appreciate you need the money.

The reality is though, that she might not have more than £50 per month to give you.

Honestly, why on earth didn’t you establish all this first. Feeling angry and resentful is understandable now but if the money isn’t there, it isn’t there, and as much as your friend has taken you for a ride, you have totally let it happen.

ddaisy09 · 05/04/2021 09:36

@crazykoo124

Just to add - I told her that she can save the £50 a month for 20 months and in 20 months she can transfer the £1000 to me directly. As I know that I won’t ever see the £50 it’ll just be spent - receiving £1000 means I will put it away or spend it on something bigger like a getaway
This does sound annoying but have you considered opening a separate account and putting the £50 per month into that. By the end of 20 months you'll have your £1000
mintybobs · 05/04/2021 09:37

I'm afraid you have no right to be mad if you didnt stipulate the re-payment plan from the beginning.

Dont lend money to friends! it never ever ends well

IWantWhatShesHaving · 05/04/2021 09:39

YABU. If you didn’t agree repayment terms before transferring the money that’s your fault. Lesson learnt. Never a lender or borrower be.