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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To use mumsnet secretly

208 replies

WiganNorthWest · 04/04/2021 21:38

I don’t tell anyone irl that I’m on here. Not sure why, probably because mumsnet has a bit of a bad reputation in my circles/is thought of as a bit embarrassing/petty and transphobic. Do most people admit to being on here/ talk about it with friends and family. I’ve never posted anything I’m ashamed of
Yabu- I’m a proud mumsnetter
Yanbu-I’m a secret mumsnetter

Also-how would you feel if you were ‘outed’

OP posts:
Notabs · 05/04/2021 09:46

I wouldn’t tell anyone because I’m not yet a mum and people would know/ask if I’m trying (been through MC not long ago which makes it less fun telling people). I just say “a forum” when I refer to funny things I’ve read etc

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 09:47

Not going to comment on the transphobic bit except to say that mumsnet is seen as transphobic-by pp, Twitter and people in real life. I don’t visit those boards and stick to dogs, chat/more lighthearted areas.
So basically OP, you started a thread making a serious accusation against the forum you are a member of based on no personal evidence at all? Wow.
I believe the dog threads are full of cat-haters. No I've never been on one, but someone posted that on twatter so it must be true Hmm

Potpourriandpennysweets · 05/04/2021 09:48

It's not a secret but I also don't advertise it. If somebody asked me I would tell them that it is one of the places I go for advice and information. I might not admit how long I spend on here, though.

MrsNewms85 · 05/04/2021 09:51

@AlCalavicci haha best bit about lockdown, getting to avoid people you normally can't Grin I have a kid and as that was my choice, but I have people with more than one who make similar comments to me.... "ooo if you had three you wouldn't get to do this/that" quite sad that they have to do it really.

OneToFive · 05/04/2021 09:53

Not a secret for me. I know several posters IRL (even though we sometimes change names). However, I don't think I've ever mentioned MN outside close group of female friends

Crumpledandcreased · 05/04/2021 09:56

I used to talk about MN in public/with friends, but now I'd be embarrassed. Partly down to the transphobic image it has and partly due to the reputation for being a middle class, mumsy cliche. I would never mention that I'd heard something or read something on mumsnet in public. I think I'm addicted though. It's become another thing I do on my phone on autopilot to fill time (along with a site that is literally called 'iwastesomuchtime') I find myself irritated by so many threads but I can't find another forum that I like the format of to replace it.

drspouse · 05/04/2021 10:22

@Nellle I think you'll find, like all threads or posts found to contain transphobia, that thread has gone.

fruitpastille · 05/04/2021 10:31

I actually think the dog house is more strident than the feminism board Grin

I definitely prefer to keep quiet about my mumsnet use. It's entertaining but best not to take too seriously for the most part. A couple of friends know and they read bits of it. My dh knows.

AuntLucy · 05/04/2021 10:35

@fruitpastille you're right about
the DogHouse! There are posters there who are seriously militant. I would never discuss my dog ownership queries there for fear of being savaged as I definitely don't meet the breed-standard for 'approved dog owner' 😀

Ninkanink · 05/04/2021 10:35

It is not phobic to be concerned about the hard-won protections for women and girls in Law and society, nor is it phobic to be concerned about extremely important safeguarding of vulnerable children and young people.

The ‘transphobic’ accusations are extremely tedious and completely without foundation. There is no ‘Mumsnet transphobic view’.

eatsleepread · 05/04/2021 10:35

I like Mumsnet and am proud to use it. That said, I tend to refer to it as a 'parenting forum', when telling people about something interesting I've read on here. It's just easier than referring to it by name and then explaining.
I'm an ex high school teacher, and teachers on a 'teaching forum' Grin I used in the past would take the piss out of Mumsnet. Particularly AIBU.

Ninkanink · 05/04/2021 10:37

Oh and to answer the original question, I’d not at all be embarrassed. Mumsnet certainly isn’t twee (Netmums is that way ———>) and it has a wealth of information, education and support for those who need it.

Nellle · 05/04/2021 10:38

Indeed it has @drsprouse. As I imagine happens often.

The fact remains that this is where the OP came to discuss her views and it got plenty of support from regular posters before it went.

drspouse · 05/04/2021 10:40

As they would have on Twitter or Facebook. Have you coloured them as transphobic as well or just forums where people with a variety of views can discuss things?

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 10:41

The OP who was concerned about an unhappy relative and also about a potential impact on her autistic teenage dds.
Could that not just have been talked through with her if you think she was been transphobic? I think the problem really is the definition of transphobia is so different between two individuals.

Skyliner001 · 05/04/2021 10:43

@Nellle You are so right 😂😂

AndromedaGal · 05/04/2021 10:50

I occasionally use it, if there’s an interesting debate it can make for good reading. The problem with most hot topic threads is that they often end up turning into slanging matches between a small number of people, & the debate is lost.

But I don’t make any secret of looking at the website; it can be very very supportive especially on the parenting boards where genuine advice is offered. The AIBU board is usually less sensitive in nature than the other boards & you’d only post in there if you’re up for a bit of heated exchange. But for good advice I do tend to use the other boards.

ChaBishkoot · 05/04/2021 10:54

The OP of that thread that has disappeared could not stomach having lunch with a beloved trans relative because she feared for the social contagion effect it would have her on her DDs. It was lunch. Just lunch on a fairly cold day in most of the UK I believe.
I think it’s absolutely fine to debate hard won legal rights or the place of women in sport but when that discussion veers into ‘I can’t have lunch because I have a visceral reaction’ territory (using the OP’s words) I think we may well be veering into transphobia territory.
I will say that the threads I stay away from are the racism ones. As a non white person I find them often really shocking. (Lots of ‘are you sure that was racism?’ to posters talking about traumatic stuff).
So overall MN isn’t perfect but it’s a microcosm of the world we live in and there are bits I like and bits I don’t.

ChangedName4TheSakeOfIt · 05/04/2021 10:55

I never mention it and someone once asked me if I used it and I said, "Mumsnet? Do you mean Netmums?" No self respecting MNer would go there so it throws them right off.

I post a lot of private stuff on here under a huge variety of names with details changed slightly (DS when I have a DD, FIL when it's really MIL) just so that no one who knows me would automatically recognise me. I don't want to fall out with my CFer neighbours expecting me to chauffeur them everywhere but I do want to use this place to vent about them or ask for help in ways to say no without offending.

RedRec · 05/04/2021 11:11

@Ninkanink
The ‘transphobic’ accusations are extremely tedious and completely without foundation. There is no ‘Mumsnet transphobic view’.

Good try. Did you see the one only this morning entitled 'Seeing my 'trans' niece today'? Yes, with trans in quotation marks.

Thankfully taken down by Mumsnet HQ eventually, as they are good at leaping on to that shit, but not before the inevitable frothing and concurring and navel gazing by numerous posters. Clearly posted by someone who felt that it was a safe place to spout her bigoted opinion.

It is not Mumsnet itself that is transphobic, just a very vocal subset of users who dominate the Feminism chat board. So it sometimes feels as though Mumsnet is poisoned by it. Which is a shame, as there is a lot of humour, support and good advice elsewhere on here.

Arrierttyclock · 05/04/2021 11:13

I've been on here for years and people don't understand it because I don't have children (currently now pregnant with my first) but I always try to explain it's more than a parenting forum

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 11:15

I disagree that being worried about a family member is the same as being bigoted toward them. It could be, but you'd need more than concern to confirm the bigotry. Surely.
I don't think discussing the OP of another thread is a good idea on here, unless you want this thread to be deleted as well.

Llamadramasheepface · 05/04/2021 11:21

My DH and DC know I am on here. I tell then about things I have read sometimes. They know me inside out and would never hide anything about myself from them especially DH. As for others I don't wear a tshirt stating I'm a mumsnetter but nor would I deny it.

Original poster
WiganNorthWest · 05/04/2021 11:29

@fruitpastille

I actually think the dog house is more strident than the feminism board Grin

I definitely prefer to keep quiet about my mumsnet use. It's entertaining but best not to take too seriously for the most part. A couple of friends know and they read bits of it. My dh knows.

I don’t actually disagree that the doghouse can be militant/I take it with a big pinch of salt as it’s often not a realistic view of dog ownership (view that everyone should have a rescue greyhound, almost any other breed needs hours of walking, never leave dog alone ever). But i have found some useful advice there. I avoid looking at the feminism board as it doesn’t interest me personally and I didn’t like what I did see there a while ago so can’t comment which is worse.
OP posts:
JanuaryJonez · 05/04/2021 11:30

Cripes! I'm constantly saying to friends and family "There was a really interesting post on Mumsnet the other day" etc!!

I think the site is so illuminating and helpful - I've had some great advice over the years.

Me, DH and DS recently had a long ethical debate about the work colleague getting the OP's job thread and also the one about the US healthcare system nightmare.

As far as being outed...erm I had a post two years ago that ended up (within hours) in The Daily Mail and publications in the US and Australia. I mentioned it to a friend and described it very vaguely. She's not on Mumsnet but texted me five minutes later to say she'd found it....

Bit embarrassing but then you just name change.