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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
forinborin · 04/04/2021 11:53

@Bluntness100

Well this is getting weird. You earn a hundred grand a year and live pay check to pay check some months?
Eh, yes... my childcare until recently was close to three grand / month for two children here.
OP posts:
ElderMillennial · 04/04/2021 11:53

Well this is getting weird. You earn a hundred grand a year and live pay check to pay check some months?

Yes, good point.

WhySoSensitive · 04/04/2021 11:53

I don’t think any of those suggest they think you’re struggling with money, other than the baby clothes one which was just rude.
I think you’re over thinking it massively.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/04/2021 11:54

Sometimes it suits someone else's narrative for you to be cast in a particular role.

This is very true.

Lassolarry1980 · 04/04/2021 11:54

@Bluntness100

Well this is getting weird. You earn a hundred grand a year and live pay check to pay check some months?
Was sacked Offered a three month to temp contract we much lower pay end of Feb Confused
MNChkn · 04/04/2021 11:54

The MN posh person stereotype - scruffy clothes, shaggy hair, shit car, plummy accent - doesn’t apply to people who aren’t white 😂

hopeishere · 04/04/2021 11:55

When I was a child the bin men once called to the back door of our posh house and asked my mum of "the lady of the house was in" (looking for a Christmas tip!). My mum always looked a bit scruffy (she looked great whe she made an effort but she never wore make up and had very plain clothes normally).

A shop assistant implying I couldn't afford something would make me want to buy the most expensive thing on the shop.

Lassolarry1980 · 04/04/2021 11:55

** Yes, correct. I did not take that contract (they effectively wanted someone without children), got another one, with a decent pay but completely crazy international hours.
All the situations I described, apart from the neighbour one, were from before the lockdown times.**

So you managed to get a very high evening job
After being sacked

Within the last 3/4 weeks?

Good on you!

Oblomov21 · 04/04/2021 11:57

Are you Pretty Woman?

notangelinajolie · 04/04/2021 11:57

I get this all the time.
Some people do form an opinion of you based on your appearance. After years of scrimping and careful budgeting I can now buy most things I need but old habits die hard and I've never got past looking like anything other than Matalan woman - I wouldn't know where to start looking classy. My daughter on the other hand has the ability to flounce in any shop and have the sales assistants treat her like royalty. The only attention I get in an expensive clothes shop is suspicious eyes and security guards on Walky talkies Confused They have it completely wrong because when me and DD go shopping I am the one that usually ends up paying Hmm
It doesn't bother me - people can think what they like, I like being a contradiction.

Confusedandshaken · 04/04/2021 11:59

DH and I looked young for our age when we were in our 20s/30s and got that a lot. We were doing very well financially but looked young for the places we were frequenting.

It didn't bother me. What bothers me more is that now we obviously look old so it doesn't happen anymore.

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 11:59

If it happens all the time then it’s definitely some sort of signal you’re projecting. Maybe think about what it is?

starfishmummy · 04/04/2021 12:00

@ThumbWitchesAbroad apparently I look like a vegetarian too. And also a social worker. I am neither.

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:00

@Lassolarry1980

** Yes, correct. I did not take that contract (they effectively wanted someone without children), got another one, with a decent pay but completely crazy international hours. All the situations I described, apart from the neighbour one, were from before the lockdown times.**

So you managed to get a very high evening job
After being sacked

Within the last 3/4 weeks?

Good on you!

I wasn't sacked... I have always been working as a contactor and my contract wasn't renewed in September due to poor performance, which in turn was due to two young children being off school for a couple of months. I was quite scared when I interviewed for a temp position and they made it crystal clear that they won't consider anyone with conflicting family priorities. Yes, then you go and find other jobs, that's what you do.
OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 04/04/2021 12:00

I'm wondering if it's the lacking in confidence.

Only because I dress...well...like a vagrant a lot of the time.

I mean today I'm in leggings with notable holes in (we have four cats who make the holes) and a Primark slouchy t-shirt that I got from eBay plus muddy walking boots. No make up, hair pulled back in a ponytail, slightly Northern accent in the middle of naice Home Counties area.

This is my normal 'mucking about at home' gear but I'll still wear it to grocery shopping, the DIY store, to go for a walk, etc.

By rights I should look like I very much can't afford anything and don't fit in (I give zero shits) but I never get that reaction at all.

I am very confident though, and it's been remarked on in the past that I have a confident posture and 'way about me'. So I've always assumed that's why 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can and do brush up well when it's required

LaBellina · 04/04/2021 12:01

I’m like you but the opposite- for some reason people always assume that I’m wealthy 😂.

I once asked a friend why that is and she said it’s your posture and the way you dress. Appearently I look very confident and my taste in clothing is quite classic and understated.

Could it be that you seem a bit insecure, like almost apologetic that you’re in certain places like a fancy boutique? Do you go shopping in scruffy clothes?

JustSleepAlready · 04/04/2021 12:02

Can’t say this without it being cheeky, but, are you ‘older’ older? In that maybe people think you are looking after grandchildren so they are thinking there is some sort of background there?
Or, you’re overthinking
Or, appearance? Do you wear baggy clothes? It may look like you have lost weight but can’t afford clothes that fit, giving an impression of someone struggling??

BluePeterVag · 04/04/2021 12:02

In my former career, I worked with people of “high net worth”. Just like everyone, they come in a range of shapes, sizes, skin shades, hair cuts, clothing choices and varying levels of kindness/pleasantness.
I still think you’re overthinking it. Who cares what people think?

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 12:04

I am very confident though, and it's been remarked on in the past that I have a confident posture and 'way about me'. So I've always assumed that's why 🤷🏻‍♀️
Yes, it’s almost certainly why. People take you at your own valuation most of the time.

Doona · 04/04/2021 12:04

Who cares what people think?

Everyone cares a bit at least.

howmanyhats · 04/04/2021 12:06

I reckon it's got to be your accent OP. So for example, if you're Eastern European, there are lots of stereotypes about Eastern European that people have internalised IME eg coming here as economic migrants and working low wage jobs. They're making assumptions about you, possibly unconsciously, on that basis.

And the neighbour thing is probably something your DC said to theirs about no chocolate that's been misinterpreted.

I'm not sure what you can do to deal with this kind of stereotyping other than wonder about their limited life experience?!

Except the neighbour, who was trying to be kind and supportive, it sounds like.

Heatherjayne1972 · 04/04/2021 12:06

I get that op too. I’m not rich but not poor
However people see ‘single parent ‘ and assume I’m poor
Especially those that know my ex refuses to pay his fair share of maintenance

I just ignore it.

howmanyhats · 04/04/2021 12:08

Btw, OP, if you're bringing in £90k+ you're among the richest people on the planet. Most people could only dream.if that kind of income.

Not having a go, just bringing some perspective!

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:08

@JustSleepAlready

Can’t say this without it being cheeky, but, are you ‘older’ older? In that maybe people think you are looking after grandchildren so they are thinking there is some sort of background there? Or, you’re overthinking Or, appearance? Do you wear baggy clothes? It may look like you have lost weight but can’t afford clothes that fit, giving an impression of someone struggling??
Yes, I do probably look 5-10 years older than I am (so probably mid40s rather than mid-late 30s). And yes, generally scruffy.
OP posts:
BRB2021 · 04/04/2021 12:08

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Nah, never happened

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