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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:12

@LaBellina

I’m like you but the opposite- for some reason people always assume that I’m wealthy 😂.

I once asked a friend why that is and she said it’s your posture and the way you dress. Appearently I look very confident and my taste in clothing is quite classic and understated.

Could it be that you seem a bit insecure, like almost apologetic that you’re in certain places like a fancy boutique? Do you go shopping in scruffy clothes?

I have a friend exactly like that, she's being usually treated as a royalty in exile Grin We discussed it once with her, she reckons it is confidence as well. She's been an amateur actress in her younger days, and she does have that complete stage presence.
OP posts:
PurpleRainDancer · 04/04/2021 12:14

@RosesAndHellebores

MIL walks around in cheap, worn clothing. Thinks more than £25 on a bag is extravagant and only generally buys in sales. Her children all remember being hungry as children and food was stinged and stretched. Nothing spent on the house and very little observable joy. On holiday the 3 dc had to share a cornet!

They were saving millions and she pays 40% tax on her pension income. She has never had private dental treatment in her life because she won't pay for it - hence her teeth look hideous.

Without seeing you op, I don't think we can say why people make such assumptions. Do your children's clothes fit, do you have full store cupboards, is your post code from a poorer part of town?

Shop assistants won’t be aware of store cupboards or postcodes on which to base a judgement.
RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2021 12:15

@Bluntness100 in response to your paycheck comment being weird. In the early days of DH's career (he's a barrister) there were two or three years where he was a whisker away from being unable to pay bills because clients hadn't paid him. There were a few times when I had given up work when ds was a baby that we had maybe, £7.30 to feed us for five days although bills were found. But, if I had not had money of my own those could have been break points where a corporate career would have had to be considered.

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:15

@howmanyhats

Btw, OP, if you're bringing in £90k+ you're among the richest people on the planet. Most people could only dream.if that kind of income.

Not having a go, just bringing some perspective!

Oh yes, I know, I don't think I have ever said anywhere on the thread I am dirt poor. It has been difficult at times with childcare fees and London housing costs, and then covid and now almost a year with very little income. Hopefully will get better now.
OP posts:
Sansaplans · 04/04/2021 12:18

That is weird, I often look unkempt when I pop to the shops or whatever and no one has said anything like that ever. Obviously I have no idea, but seems it could be an unconscious bias these people have, I wouldn't say its something my friends have experienced either.

Kittytheteapot · 04/04/2021 12:19

Do you talk much about the cost of things to people, e.g. the cost of your childcare? You probably already know this, but discussing the cost of things or the amount of money you earn is one of those peculiar things British people don't do much. Maybe just mentioning the cost of things might lead people to think it is something you yourself are concerned about?

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 12:19

Without seeing you op, I don't think we can say why people make such assumptions. Do your children's clothes fit, do you have full store cupboards, is your post code from a poorer part of town?
What on earth?? How would a sales assistant be privy to all that?!

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:19

@BluePeterVag

In my former career, I worked with people of “high net worth”. Just like everyone, they come in a range of shapes, sizes, skin shades, hair cuts, clothing choices and varying levels of kindness/pleasantness. I still think you’re overthinking it. Who cares what people think?
Overthinking can totally be, I am very guilty of it sometimes! And as I said, it is a very shallow thread. So far the consensus does seem to be both appearance and confidence, which is roughly what I thought.
OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 04/04/2021 12:19

@PurpleRainDancer no they won't see into your store cupboards but everyone but shop staff will know your postcode: Drs, dentists, library staff, teachers, nursery, garage (for servicing/repairs). Come to think of it most shops I shop at do have my address and have my personal details on a computer because they send me stuff in the post or look me up at the till point. It includes Sainsburys, M&S, etc where personal data is linked to reward cards.

HoppingPavlova · 04/04/2021 12:19

I have the same experiences and would guess it’s your appearance.

I’ve made good money all my life but that’s been achieved by long hours and a demanding profession. I always chose to prioritise family and sorely needed sleep over getting my hair done, clothes shopping, putting on make up. I’ve always been treated shockingly by salespeople which is funny considering there’s no issue affording things. I also live in a ‘naice’ area and have had perfectly quaffed women look me up and down and physically tut tut if I have popped down the shops for something. Hilarious.

I remember purchasing something once and the salesperson actively trying to talk me out of it and they begged me not to spend more than I could afford and please make sure I had enough to feed my kidsConfused. They were genuinely worried.

I find it best to be up front if I really want/need something or I will just be ignored as an obvious time waster. I approach the salesperson (after being ignored), tell them I’m sure they don’t think I’m going to spend anything, which is obviously why I’m being ignored, but if they can see their way to being helpful I will likely spend a shed load. And I follow through on it. You just have to be direct with them. Buggered if I’m wasting my precious time doing myself up just so a salesperson can deem me worthy of assistance.

Unsure33 · 04/04/2021 12:21

I had this in a large department store with a make up counter . Letting me know lowest priced item was 35 pounds.

I could well afford it and never bought that brand again .

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:21

@Kittytheteapot

Do you talk much about the cost of things to people, e.g. the cost of your childcare? You probably already know this, but discussing the cost of things or the amount of money you earn is one of those peculiar things British people don't do much. Maybe just mentioning the cost of things might lead people to think it is something you yourself are concerned about?
No, only on mumsnet / with very close (usually non-British) friends.
OP posts:
Veuvestar · 04/04/2021 12:22

How do you wear your hair?
Do you wear trainers?
Do you wear jewellery?

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:23

Wear my hair in a bun, yes to trainers and no jewellery.

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 04/04/2021 12:24

Now that you have these suggestions
Are you any the wiser on why you think people think what you are suggesting
Is there anything that you are now going to change or do differently

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:26

@HoppingPavlova

I have the same experiences and would guess it’s your appearance.

I’ve made good money all my life but that’s been achieved by long hours and a demanding profession. I always chose to prioritise family and sorely needed sleep over getting my hair done, clothes shopping, putting on make up. I’ve always been treated shockingly by salespeople which is funny considering there’s no issue affording things. I also live in a ‘naice’ area and have had perfectly quaffed women look me up and down and physically tut tut if I have popped down the shops for something. Hilarious.

I remember purchasing something once and the salesperson actively trying to talk me out of it and they begged me not to spend more than I could afford and please make sure I had enough to feed my kidsConfused. They were genuinely worried.

I find it best to be up front if I really want/need something or I will just be ignored as an obvious time waster. I approach the salesperson (after being ignored), tell them I’m sure they don’t think I’m going to spend anything, which is obviously why I’m being ignored, but if they can see their way to being helpful I will likely spend a shed load. And I follow through on it. You just have to be direct with them. Buggered if I’m wasting my precious time doing myself up just so a salesperson can deem me worthy of assistance.

Oh no, I did not have it to that extent when people are concerned for me not feeding the children. It is usually just a fleeting remark (that I almost miss at first and then really overthink through the night, trying to dissect every word and how they looked at me etc).
OP posts:
MNChkn · 04/04/2021 12:27

Is the OP wrong for dressing the way she pleases and never discussing (in a foreign accent) money, as all the lower middle class chicken-stretching denizens of MN would prefer?

Kittytheteapot · 04/04/2021 12:28

I don't think it comes down to scruffy appearance alone. I come from a well off background and have always had money for what I need/ want. I, however, do not care about my appearance and generally dress in jeans and a jumper, never wear make up, and my hair is badly cut by my dh. I go into posh shops and notice other shoppers are immaculately turned out and I feel scruffy. But no shop assistant has ever talked down to me or warned me their goods are too expensive because the minute I open my mouth my accent is RP and I have strong and authoritative opinions on the goods for sale. (And unerringly can identify the most expensive item without price tags to guide me!)

forinborin · 04/04/2021 12:29

@Palaver1

Now that you have these suggestions Are you any the wiser on why you think people think what you are suggesting Is there anything that you are now going to change or do differently
Probably would make more effort with the grooming, if I am honest. Many people saying that they pay close attention to it does make some difference to how I feel about it. I don't myself, if I am completely honest, I can't care less what people wear. Not sure about the confidence side of it, probably it is not something that can be changed now easily, more an ingrained habit.
OP posts:
GreyhoundG1rl · 04/04/2021 12:30

I remember purchasing something once and the salesperson actively trying to talk me out of it and they begged me not to spend more than I could afford and please make sure I had enough to feed my kidsconfused. They were genuinely worried.
I don’t believe this for a second Hmm

Chickychickydodah · 04/04/2021 12:33

I look poor but no one gives me sod all 😢

MNChkn · 04/04/2021 12:33

@Kittytheteapot Never complaining about the cost of childcare or school fees is how the rest of us know you’re new to all this.

We dark skinned foreigners are pretty good at reading social signals too.

Kittytheteapot · 04/04/2021 12:35

[quote MNChkn]@Kittytheteapot Never complaining about the cost of childcare or school fees is how the rest of us know you’re new to all this.

We dark skinned foreigners are pretty good at reading social signals too.[/quote]
Sorry, I'm not sure what you meant here.

whenthebellsring · 04/04/2021 12:36

OP, you don't need to change anything if you don't personally want. People will judge for anything (even if you change yourself for them) and it isn't always negatively. We all do, even if we don't say it.

Say you change your appearance and so on, I doubt you can change your "foreign look" - and why should you?

Overthinking happens. Those who're being nasty about it won't change their minds about you no matter what you do. Others are trying to be kind, even if mistaken or narrow-minded.

PurpleWh1teGreen · 04/04/2021 12:36

The richest person I have known in my life - by many millions - used to walk round in an old donkey jacket and scour the supermarket aisles for reduced price food.

She was the best possible example of not judging people by their appearance.