Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

@forinborin I was listening to a radio programme about this subject while driving last week and these were the things that were highlighted for making people look poor even if they're not! People phoned in and texted with all kinds of 'poor' signals... I think they were confusing 'poor' with being 'common' TBH...
Being overweight
Wearing common looking clothes (ironically designer stuff) especially puffer jackets, leggings, hoodies and runners as they are the official poor persons uniform
Hair worn in a bun with bad highlights
Fake nails, tan and lashes
Bad teeth and smoking
Being a single mother with a buggy and child wearing designer clothes
Being cheeky, swearing, defensive and highly strung
Bad grammar and slang

Well people make assumptions usually wrongly. People can be driving about in a top of the range car and wearing designer clothes but it could be on finance .
As you mentioned neighbours I’d assume you don’t live in a mansion so just a regular house , your a single parent so people assume money is tight .
Clothes that you wear too and your appearance, it shouldn’t matter but it does .
Some people walk around in rags but it’s because they are tight .
If you are walking around in thread bare clothes then going to nice places people will make assumptions. It’s not rocket science.
I don’t believe you are dressed well and they are saying this to you op so if it bothers you maybe look at that but if it doesn’t ignore .

In most cases they probably made a false assumption (and probably unconsciously) based on you not being from the UK originally and/or being a single mother, depending on what they know about you. A lot of people assume either of these situations mean you are automatically destitute, don’t have a professional job, etc.
Possibly it could also be how you ‘carry’ yourself, body language, etc. However that could also be due to cultural differences or choice of words that have subtle difference in meaning (if English isn’t your first language).

Regarding the dentist, it’s probably as a lot of people assume an NHS is totally free and get a shock bill.

I get this all the time too! I'm certain in my case it's the clothes and car (not foreign or single). It's incompetence/indifference rather than poverty, but fair enough. Sometimes it's sweet that people care, but not always and I've learned to say a firm no to other people's cast offs. I didn't when younger because I had an idea it was rude to.

In the dental surgery and the restaurant it is because SO MANY people will try to weasel out of paying by claiming they thought treatment was (or should be) NHS funded, or will eat the big lobster and then insist on paying the average price. They genuinely need to quadruple check.

With neighbours, friends and colleagues, it is because you are a single mother. Even if you haven't mentioned it, they know. People take note of whether you talk about a husband or partner, neighbours know who goes in and out of a house.

As a single mother I get the same thing - people wrongly assume I don't own my house, assume I get benefits, definitely underestimate my income. Then they feel mislead when it becomes clear we are doing fine financially. I never said or implied that we weren't!

@Tinydinosaur

How do you dress? Do you check the price tags on everything (like at the boutique)? What job do you do? Is it something typically considered low earning?

It sounds like people think you're poor tbh.

I am in a job that can really vary in terms of the income (say software development in finance). Can be done on a junior level for just above min wage, can bring in millions. I am at a mid level, usually high 90K / low 100K.

As somebody who actually is poor I've never had people act like this around me. It's very strange, generally people can be weird.....

I would assume it is how you present yourself and how you dress but it's difficult without knowing anything about you.

I don’t think you’re over thinking based on examples you’ve given

Perhaps just body language; perhaps clothing; perhaps self-fulfilling prophecy scenario

But as long as you know you’re ok, then try not to let it bother you

From what you've said I imagine it's your appearance.

But I can only imagine that because I can't see you.

@MNChkn

I get this all the time.

I have a brown face and wear scruffy clothes.

It rarely bothers me, because I’m rich .

I had a version of this as an Irish person who moved to a rural Tory heartland village where everyone presented the same way — there still seemed to be a prevalent idea that Irish people kept pigs in the kitchen and were supporting hordes of indigent family back on the bog, and my Oxford education and professional career seemed to confuse people — if I had x income, why did I cycle everywhere and not have a Quooker tap and hot tub? Mind you, some people were also surprised by my not being in the IRA.

A relative and one of their kids once got stopped in a wealthy part of London by someone who absolutely insisted she give them £20 as they were so clearly in need. Which was exceptionally generous except the relative was actually an investment banker who is just completely uninterested in clothes so looked permanently disheveled. The relative donated the money to charity.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

It's an odd one, hey. But yes - it may be the "forrin" bit.

Apparently I "look like" a vegetarian. No idea why, or what a vegetarian is supposed to look like (me, apparently!!) - even the people I've asked why they assume that seem unable to answer!

That actually made me remember that I do have a friend who looks like a vegetarian, and I am always surprised when I remind myself she's not. It is a good look in my book, but I would also struggle to explain it... it is the general aura of wholesomeness

I thought I recognised your name OP

You were sacked from your old job and only just got a temp 3 month contract st much lower pay in late Feb.

Perhaps this has something to do with it?

I really do think it’s appearances quite often, unless someone knows your financial set up, ie single parent, low income etc. I know that if I go in an expensive shop wearing something I’ve just thrown on with hair scraped back, I somehow feel that the shop staff treat me differently to if I go in dressed nicely and well groomed. People do very much so judge on appearances.

Some of those examples in your OP aren't necessarily to do with you at all, more that the places have had lots of problems with people being surprised by the price (lobster by weight) or not being able to pay (emergency dentist) or not understanding the pricing structure and so they explain as a matter of course to avoid problems.

I think it's the overthinking, OP - you seem very self-conscious, and what's probably coming across is your nervousness about what other people think of you.

I think you'll find that if you work on your confidence, this problem will go away.

People have made the same assumption about me.

I’ve been offered cash in hand cleaning jobs a couple of times, both times the people offering stated it wouldn’t affect my benefits - we aren’t even eligible for child benefit.
When I moved house the school lollipop man noticed I was coming from a different direction and asked how long the council waiting list was to be rehoused. Our house cost us £460k.

My children are always have clean well fitting clothes so I don’t think I’m being judged by there appearance.
I am very fat, wear clothes which are comfortable for me, joggers and cardigans, I also tend to just scrape my hair back. I also suffered from depression when DS was being diagnosed with multiple SEN and often look exhausted. I’m well spoken but clearly look like I’m ‘down on my luck’ despite being quite well off.

I did start making more of an effort when my depression lifted but have slipped back into my old tatty clothes scraping hair habits back during lockdown!

Well this is getting weird. You earn a hundred grand a year and live pay check to pay check some months?

@NinthCircle Hilarious 😆 People are such thick twats generally, aren’t they?

That said, it’s a brilliant tool for identifying twats, particularly neighbours, at the school gates, and in commercial situations.

In reverse, staff at Handelsbanken (private bank) are actually taught to beware of well-dressed customers as it usually indicates they’re not as wealthy as they like others to think.

So as you’ve now revealed that you’re a high earner OP - it sounds like it’s prejudice people have about your accent / perhaps the way you look, if you’re not flashing your financial status in any other way (through how you dress, the car you drive etc)

Next time you get a comment from someone that suggests they think you’re poor - you should just call them out on it and ask if they think you’re struggling? And if so, why?!

It might make them question their own inherent prejudices.

Accent
Demeanour
Dress
Confidence

It must be one or more of these I would think.

I suspect that the dentists etc. Have had issues with customers before. The others, I don't know - people might have just been being nice and referring to an Easter egg shortage rather than money shortage, but people do get funny ideas in their head sometimes!

My MIL always did this with me (never to her son, interestingly). Always commenting on the cost of things, insisting on buying our daughter everything she 'needs' (in her mind, anyway) and on buying her a winter coat, particularly if the Daily Fail had reported it was supposed to be a particularly cold winter (as they seem to every year). We are fine financially - DP is disabled now and unable to work but my income is more than double the national average! However, we are substantially less well off than DP's sibliing and she likes to make assumptions about my work and seems to enjoy comparing families - and casting us the poor relations.

Shes, also a toxic bitch and I'm NC, but that's another story! Sometimes it suits someone else's narrative for you to be cast in a particular role.

@Lassolarry1980

I thought I recognised your name OP

You were sacked from your old job and only just got a temp 3 month contract st much lower pay in late Feb.

Perhaps this has something to do with it?

Yes, correct. I did not take that contract (they effectively wanted someone without children), got another one, with a decent pay but completely crazy international hours. All the situations I described, apart from the neighbour one, were from before the lockdown times.

@forinborin besides let people think what they want, don't spend time worrying about it as it's not important! Some people always have opinions on others as they have nothing better to do! For those talking about driving old cars looking poor, often they're the people who are rich not poor as it's simply a means of transport...