Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

[forinborin]

@Ahbahbahbah

With it being so many different people I think (no offence!) it must be something about your appearance or accent?

Do you think you dress well, style your hair etc, or are you not interested in that stuff? Do you have an accent from a stereotypical poor area?

Absolutely no offence, that's why I asked the question.
Not interested in fashion and style that much, more of a jeans and a t-shirt person. Yes, the accent is from a stereotypically poor place (not British though).

[AmyLou100]

At my previous job I told a colleague about a loft extension I was having done and he said "you're not allowed to extend in council houses" I had to explain that I don't live in a council house and that I own my own house.

What a cheek !

[MsScoot]

I wouldn’t take it personally. When I used to go to the local shop the woman behind the till used to always let me know as I walked in what chocolate was on special that day. There was no malice or judgement: but she must have noticed I only bought chocolate on special

[Throwntothewolves]

I wouldn't overthink it. Some of your examples, the variable price lobster (o one wanted to pay more than the advertised price) and the NHS dentist (I guess a lot of people assume NHS means everything is free, when it's not) for example are normal.

People are weird. I had one colleague ask if I could afford the house on my own when I separated from ExH. It really took me by surprise, quite apart from the rudeness of the question, as I have a good salary, the same as the person who asked, so she knew I could afford it just fine. And though she wouldn't have known, I had been paying for everything for years due to ExHs addiction issues. She is the kind to stick the boot in though in a faux concern kind of way, so maybe that was it.

Just ignore it, it's no ones business but you what you can afford

[Time2b33]

@JensonsAcolyte

Do you wear shell suits?

😂😂😂😂

[honeylulu]

I get this too and with me (I don't have a foreign name) it's definitely appearance related. I've been accused of shoplifting twice and had security guards follow me multiple times when I'm in my scruffs (usually tracksuit bottoms/trainers and parka because I'm planning on doing some housework/workout before I have a shower and put my nice clothes and make up on). I'm mid 40s but slim with very long, straight, unstyled hair . I think when coupled with the scruffs I probably look like an ageing junkie. I'm actually a solicitor and earn 6 figures.

[forinborin]

The neighbours is a weird one though... that does sound a bit like they think you're struggling. Are they are bit snobby or have they got the wrong end of the stick about something?
They are quite new, moved in just before the last lockdown - and we didn't have anything more than a few hellos. Our children are in the same class at school, seem to be getting together well, and that's literally the only information they have about me.

[ThePricklySheep]

Do you think it might be your posture?

[Goleor]

For me it's how I dress. I'm a tracksuit person, I've a physical disability and find them easiest to wear . Which gives people the impression that I'm a certain type of person.

[RampantIvy]

I had this yesterday. I had a free eye test at Specsavers in a not very affluent South Yorkshire town - free because I am over 60.

I have an expensive prescription - varifocals, extreme short sight requiring the lenses to be thinned, astigmatism, so my one pair of glasses plus free pair came to just under £500. At every point I was asked if I was on any benefits.

My hair looks tragic as a result of lockdown, but I don't know why they thought I might be on benefits. I'm from London and am considered well spoken, so maybe the assumption was because so many of their customers are?

[forinborin]

@JensonsAcolyte

Do you wear shell suits?

Actually I think that would now be considered eccentric, no? The level of judgment that only someone with money could afford.

[notacooldad]

I've only had this happen to me once and to be fair I looked a bit scruffy and knackered at the time. I had spent several days in a foreign country hiking and on the last day I decided to treat my self to a first clad ticket back to the capital as it was rush hour and I knew I was more likely to have a quiet carriage. You get free hot chocolate, tea and coffee first class but need a token. I didn't know how to get one so I asked the only person in the carriage what to do. He This is a first class carriage' clearly he thought I had no right to be there.
The conductor came round, checked my ticket and gave me some tokens for the machine. Snappy guy changed his tune and came over to say he had some spare if I'd like them.
It taught me that people really do judge you on your appearances and make assumptions about your position and what they think of you.

[Bryzoan]

I have a small business and some of our products are quite expensive because they cost a lot to make. I sometimes find myself pointing out cheaper options - not because I have formed any opinion about a prospective customer, but because I want them to know all the options and would hate them to feel I was trying to rip them off! I will be very careful about that from now on - thanks for helping me broaden my perspective!

[Dixiechickonhols]

From your username and use of American word candy not sweets I’d guess you are not British so maybe they are explaining more in case you don’t know re dentistry, pricing in restaurant. Neighbours assumption could be because you are single parent, appearance of yourself and children, how house looks -anything. If it’s happening a lot and bothering you it could be clothes and/or grooming. Even if well worn better off people with still wear certain brands.

[JensonsAcolyte]

I’ve just remembered that in an old job I went from FT to PT and one colleague wanged on and on about tax credits, saying I’d be better off because I’d get more TCs being part time. DH earned about £80k at the time.

I kept telling her we didn’t get tax credits and she kept bringing it up.

[lockdownalli]

Hard to know without meeting you OP.

Guess would be people think you look scruffy (sorry)

Your friend who has the opposite problem - can you compare how you might appear compared to her? That might help you?

[Nocar]

It can be a sales tactic to get you to spend. ‘ Oh you can’t afford this madam’ , can make you want to disprove the sales person.
Your children might have just innocently mentioned not being able to have sweets and neighbours have misunderstood.

[forinborin]

@Dixiechickonhols

From your username and use of American word candy not sweets I’d guess you are not British so maybe they are explaining more in case you don’t know re dentistry, pricing in restaurant. Neighbours assumption could be because you are single parent, appearance of yourself and children, how house looks -anything. If it’s happening a lot and bothering you it could be clothes and/or grooming. Even if well worn better off people with still wear certain brands.

I would not say it is bothering me that much, I am just curious. Of course, if it is something relatively easy to fix, I'd make an effort, more for the children than anything.

Yes, English is not my first language - picked off a lot of American vocabulary off movies and while staying there.

[OtherwiseKnownAsSheilaTh3Great]

I can't believe some of your examples, sorry!

[gannett]

Occam's razor - it's the foreign accent, unfortunately.

Dental receptionists are probably trained to emphasise that it's not free, to prevent any confusion, and will encounter a lot of people whose English isn't the best. So it makes sense that she repeated herself a lot. (I'm British but not white, and have encountered similar.)

I think in restaurants quite a lot of waiters are helpful in terms of pointing out the best-value options rather than upselling the most expensive - I've found this when you ask about wine a lot.

Unfortunately in the baby boutique and with the new neighbours they probably did assume that your background meant you were poor. Lots of stereotypes about other countries run very deep. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[wandawombat]

I'm scuffy, this happens to me.

Always has, grew up very poor, probably internalised that a bit.

I spend money on good shoes. I have lots of toys too but clothes, meh. 😁

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

It's an odd one, hey. But yes - it may be the "forrin" bit.

Apparently I "look like" a vegetarian. No idea why, or what a vegetarian is supposed to look like (me, apparently!!) - even the people I've asked why they assume that seem unable to answer!

[MNChkn]

I get this all the time.

I have a brown face and wear scruffy clothes.

It rarely bothers me, because I’m rich .

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

I get this a lot OP.
I'm a carer so often in uniform and I'm told I look far too young to have children (let alone teens and certainly not 4) that's not a stealth brag btw it's people assuming I was a feckless teenage mother who ended up in a care role so I must be uneducated, on minimum wage and poor.
I'm none of those things although did have my kids very young (on purpose!)

Usually it doesn't bother me, I have received anonymous vouchers and hampers etc though to 'help me out' so I give them to the disabled children's charity that help with my eldest sons care or food bank.

[forinborin]

@JensonsAcolyte

I’ve just remembered that in an old job I went from FT to PT and one colleague wanged on and on about tax credits, saying I’d be better off because I’d get more TCs being part time. DH earned about £80k at the time.

I kept telling her we didn’t get tax credits and she kept bringing it up.

I did not want to mention benefits in the first place, because these threads are derailed very fast, and I did not want it to turn into the usual mud slinging. But yes, people assume I am on welfare all the time. Sometimes with quite unpleasant undertones.