Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

With it being so many different people I think (no offence!) it must be something about your appearance or accent?

Do you think you dress well, style your hair etc, or are you not interested in that stuff? Do you have an accent from a stereotypical poor area?

I think if this is repeated by many different people then I’d assume it’s how you present yourself, clothing and grooming.

I lived abroad for a long time. Needed two dresses. Went into a lovely little boutique and whilst looking through the racks was told by a snooty assistant that they had a less expensive sister store and perhaps I could try there. No reason at all. We had plenty of money, I was well dressed, hair immaculate, nails, bag shoes etc. She had no reason to say it. I asked her why she had said it, she was embarrassed but she had no explanation.it was a shame as I really liked their stock but I just walked out after telling her she was inappropriate. Damned if I was giving them any money after that.

I imagine the café staff are used to people questioning the bill for an item that can vary in price, so they ensure everyone is clear to avoid an awkward conversation. Same for the dentist - they'll have had enough people assuming treatment is free to need to make it very clear that it isn't.

Your friend thinking you'd used credit for an expensive item is possibly a reflection of her situation - she couldn't afford to buy an expensive item outright.

The baby shop is less easy to understand. Why would a sales assistant actively put you off from spending money there? No idea, maybe you look like a known shoplifter

Several of these sound extremely normal, more reactions to previous complaints than related to you.

I think all but one of those interactions are very normal, don't think they suggest people think you're poor.

The neighbours is a weird one though... that does sound a bit like they think you're struggling. Are they are bit snobby or have they got the wrong end of the stick about something?

When I was a single parent who worked full time I was always seen as 'poor' because I didn't have a manz income to go with mine. Now I wasn't fabulously wealthy but I was by no means on the deadline and could afford to do or buy whatever I chose to.

People make assumptions about us all the time.

I'd start there because it's the first thing you see besides appearance (clothing, hair, etc); then the next thing you hear even if appearance "fits in".

Not something most people will admit but people judge (postively or negatively) based on that.

Interesting ThePricklySheep - I think MIL has 150% internalised the local thinking "poor" mentality since moving north 60 years ago.

I can’t say if that’s the perception but a few of those might just be standard practice. It’s possible the dentist gives that warning to everyone if they’re had some confusion in the past about payment where patients have assumed it’s covered by the NHS and there has been some difficulty when the bill has been given. Could be a ‘cover their backs’ situation.

Also the pricier items in restaurants/shops - sometimes staff recommend cheaper options upfront if they have experience of customers stating things are too expensive etc. Or they personally think their prices might be inflated and aren’t too invested in the job/business so give a heads up about cheaper alternatives. I know I’ve been browsing certain spirits in Tesco before and a member of staff told me unprompted that it was £10 to get a certain bottle in Asda at the moment.

So it’s hard to say, you could be right and maybe there is an image projected somehow - but it also might be a series of coincidences which together look like a pattern.

It's ridiculous isn't it op. So what if you are foreign. I hate these judgements based on stereotypes.
Anyway I'm on the petite side and I find people always trying to 'help' me as if physical appearance means you are not capable

That was to @forinborin

Could it be how you dress? I'm a big fan of oversized hoodies and leggings, and I mostly dress for comfort day to day. I've definitely had people assume my financial situation based on that fact, and then surprised them when I've purchased things that they would assume out of my budget.
People are just judgemental, or want to help without thinking. Don't worry about it.

Hm, I missed your update of 11.06 about your friend.

I guess it’s appearance in some way then.

Does it bother you? There’s been good style threads on here about how to appear classy!

It’ll be the accent.

I’m friends with a couple where he’s Russian and she’s Aussie and they say people assume they work in low paid jobs. Hospitality, cleaning, that kind of thing.

It might actually be because everyone's taken a huge financial hit this year! Shop workers are aware their products are over priced and people haven't had full wages sometimes for a whole year now!

Not as many instances as you but I was a single parent and have had people assume money is tight, I too have a decent job, recently made redundant, have a new job in the same industry that I am qualified for.
At my previous job I told a colleague about a loft extension I was having done and he said "you're not allowed to extend in council houses" I had to explain that I don't live in a council house and that I own my own house.
He looked floored, really strange reaction, he actually came back to ask further questions, how long I had had a mortgage, how I managed to buy by myself, what happens if something needs fixing (YouTube baby, you can learn DIY on YouTube)
I took great pleasure in telling him that I also had been paying extra off my mortgage and had nearly paid it off.
People make assumptions especially if your a single parent, we should all be down the food bank like Oliver twist "please sir, can I have some more" we're feckless layabouts, scrounging benefits whilst our children go without.
Every time someone says something answer them putting them straight

@RosesAndHellebores

MIL walks around in cheap, worn clothing. Thinks more than £25 on a bag is extravagant and only generally buys in sales. Her children all remember being hungry as children and food was stinged and stretched. Nothing spent on the house and very little observable joy. On holiday the 3 dc had to share a cornet!

They were saving millions and she pays 40% tax on her pension income. She has never had private dental treatment in her life because she won't pay for it - hence her teeth look hideous.

Without seeing you op, I don't think we can say why people make such assumptions. Do your children's clothes fit, do you have full store cupboards, is your post code from a poorer part of town?

Eh, can't say the children are always immaculate. Cupboards are full, postcode is generally okay in a leafy suburb. It usually happens in sporadic interactions, with people who don't know me well / at all. So must be something very shallow.

It depends on a few things:

Voice and accent
Clothes
Demeanour
Attitude
Area you live

There is no denying there is a ‘look’ of being poor vs well off. It’s not universal and certainly not foolproof but generally we associate certain things with people being hard up and maybe you tick those boxes.

My DH and I are very comfortable but not rich. I look like I’ve been dragged through a hedge most days and school mums have shown genuine shock when they find out which house is ours or that I’m an accountant.

@Tinydinosaur

Oh, young is a good point! Do you look quite young? Or are you a bit lacking in confidence?

Lacking in confidence probably yes - I am a bit of a people pleaser. Young, unfortunately, no

I'm often assumed to be wealthy. It's wrong, but people judge based on how I talk, dress and present myself.

A friend of mine who earns much, much more but speaks differently and hasn't much interest in clothes or makeup is often assumed to be on less than she is. She also doesn't wear a wedding ring because she isn't married (though with a very committed partner; she earns more than he does though).

It's terrible and wrong but we all do it to an extent. We can only try to be more aware and thoughtful.

I don't think it has anything to do with the DC not looking immaculate. The children of the richest parents often look a mess in my experience.

It could also be a combination of that and appearance because not all "foreign looking and sounding" people are judged in the same way.

Also, many people are still judged on appearance, presence/the sort of air you exude (if that makes sense) and other things, whether they look foreign or not. @forinborin

@Gettingthereslowly2020

That's a lot of different people assuming you're struggling so I'm guessing it's your clothing/grooming.

I've been so busy, I haven't bothered to buy new clothes or make an effort with my hair. I looked in the mirror last week and I resembled a homeless person. My dress and shoes had holes in and my hair was in a state. I've had a strong word with myself and sorted myself out now.

It's easy to neglect your appearance when you're busy.

I know you were just trying to make a comparison but most of the homeless/ex homeless people I work with are pretty well groomed on the whole! They make more of an effort than me and my colleagues. Excellent example of how people judge - not in a snarky way at all

Almost certainly because you have a non-UK accent. People are awful.