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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 06/04/2021 13:02

@Birthday552

Let’s be honest. The UK is full of class judgement and stereotyping and snobbery is rife in Britain. I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel this way OP.
Letting someone know about a cheaper option is hardly class judgement and snobbery. Many people would welcome it, I certainly would.
HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 13:11

I’m usually with a scruffy mum bun too.
@jentinquarantino20

There is a huge difference between a “scruffy mum bun” and the super tight Croydon facelift type of bun that the op mentioned as an indicator of class/wealth.

HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 13:17

that the pp mentioned not the OP.

I can’t believe so few people appreciate the difference.

Coffeemaniac · 06/04/2021 13:19

I’m often followed around a shop by the the store detective. I obviously look like a shoplifter. I’ve never shoplifted in my life!

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 13:27

the person in charge of admissions wouldn’t let her pay her fees and kept asking her to fill in a form for the hardship fund, and saying “as your household income is under £16k, you won’t have to pay any fees if you fill in a finance form”.
I don't understand the offence here Confused.

It's clearly policy which would apply to anyone in the same circumstances, not based on her appearance??

SecretCiderCellar · 06/04/2021 13:28

@HaveringWavering

that the pp mentioned not the OP.

I can’t believe so few people appreciate the difference.

Perhaps they just think that the degree of tightness of a hairstyle is a bit mad as a hard-and-fast class indicator. Could you, for instance, definitively distinguish between the tightly-pulled-back bun of a ballerina and a 'Croydon facelift'?
HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 13:30

Yes.

prawntoastie · 06/04/2021 13:38

Those people are ignorant that’s why.

I have worked with many super rich people mostly Arab clients, they dress normally and don’t wear designers any average person would know or extremely plain.

I understand why you are annoyed I also have been ‘told’ I don’t look able to afford things.

TellerTuesday · 06/04/2021 13:47

There's one school mum that for some reason took it upon herself to think I'm on the bones of my arse. I presume it's because I generally look like I've just been dug up. Work from home & have no intention of grooming myself to sit in my own home all day. We usually walk to school when I had to drive once she saw me getting out of the car and said 'my my Teller is THAT yours, you are a dark horse'. I just laugh now at how utterly shallow she is.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/04/2021 13:49

It's also a fat person thing

When I'm at my fattest it doesn't matter how posh my bag is or my expensively highlighted hair I do not look wealthy - I've been ignored for service more times than I could count

It doesn't happen at all now I'm a bit thinner (still overweight, just not morbidly obese)

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 13:53

That's interesting, Laurie. I've never really made the connection before, but yes, wealthy, classy, "posh" women are predominantly thin.
It's part of the uniform.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/04/2021 13:54

No one is going to mistake the posh prep school mums in their Sweaty Betty hoodies/leggings with hair in a ponytail - that shit is expensive, they're all workout slim, their hair swings beautifully

Nowt like a slobber in a tracksuit..

forinborin · 06/04/2021 13:56

I totally, totally agree with the comments that I should not care about it. I actually absolutely don't, for myself.
I just started getting more concerned recently as my children started getting some social consciousness and I am really afraid they would be pigeonholed based on me not caring enough to wear ballerina shoes on a school run, or a watch, or whatever. And yes, when I start thinking about this, I tend to over-analyse.

OP posts:
bp300 · 06/04/2021 13:56

I absolutely hate being asked by sales people what budget I have for something. I literally have no budget for anything but look for value in what I'm buying and then when I tell them I don't have a budget they get annoyed when I tell them this.

Camomila · 06/04/2021 14:01

What's your hair like?
I have posh hair apparently (thick and curly and constantly escaping its bun)

The rest of me looks like a student.

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 14:04

@Camomila

What's your hair like? I have posh hair apparently (thick and curly and constantly escaping its bun)

The rest of me looks like a student.

Thick and curly is posh?
Camomila · 06/04/2021 14:12

I think it's because when it's just been washed I have floppy ringletty bits at the front? That's the only thing I can think of.

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 14:14

Sounds similar to mine. Not flat and sleek enough to be posh apparently, sorry Grin

SelkieBoru · 06/04/2021 14:25

I have thick curly hair and it's often implied (by recruitment agencies, my mother) that my hair should be less thick and less frizzy

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 14:28

@SelkieBoru

I have thick curly hair and it's often implied (by recruitment agencies, my mother) that my hair should be less thick and less frizzy
I hear you.
CatterySlave1 · 06/04/2021 15:06

God it’s sad to hear this thread and realise we still live in some 1950’s stereotypical class based society still! I’d hoped that we’d progressed a bit further than we obviously have! Well I guess you have to ask yourself whether it bothers you enough to do anything about these assumptions or teach yourself and your kids how ridiculous it is that some people still judge people by their outside appearance and assumptions rather than asking questions and getting to actually know them.
Yes that lady was coming from a place of kindness but you can still challenge her assumption gently by accepting the eggs and saying something like “ohh thanks, we don’t actually enjoy chocolate but I’m going near the local food bank/hospital/raffle appeal later on and I know they’ll really appreciate them so thanks so much”.
If you’re happy with how you dress and care for yourself then don’t change one bit. If your “neglected” look is because you don’t feel like you can spare the time for yourself or don’t “deserve” it then please challenge that notion and practice self care. That old saying that “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is very true and even more important as a single Mum.
As long as your kids have clean clothes that fit well and look kempt and cared for then don’t worry about what others think. Include them in choices but don’t subscribe to the “named brands” peer pressure and support them to see through that, maybe by investing in more ethically produced quality not quantity clothing. No one has to be a clone! Raise kids that think for themselves and don’t get sucked into all this sameness in the Burbs

HaveringWavering · 06/04/2021 15:51

@GreyhoundG1rl

the person in charge of admissions wouldn’t let her pay her fees and kept asking her to fill in a form for the hardship fund, and saying “as your household income is under £16k, you won’t have to pay any fees if you fill in a finance form”. I don't understand the offence here Confused. It's clearly policy which would apply to anyone in the same circumstances, not based on her appearance??
She said “as” not “if”- assumed that the woman was from a low income household.
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 06/04/2021 16:09

@GreyhoundG1rl

the person in charge of admissions wouldn’t let her pay her fees and kept asking her to fill in a form for the hardship fund, and saying “as your household income is under £16k, you won’t have to pay any fees if you fill in a finance form”. I don't understand the offence here Confused. It's clearly policy which would apply to anyone in the same circumstances, not based on her appearance??
You don’t see the issue with my friend, who earns over £50k a year not under £16k, repeatedly being prevented from paying her tuition fees (£200 ish) so she could enrol on the course until she filled in a “hardship fund application” despite her telling the admissions administrator several times that she was ineligible and she wasn’t on benefits and just wanted to pay her fees?

I don’t think it’s the college’s policy to encourage everyone to apply for a hardship fund for a community course! Seeing as she never saw my friend in person and only spoke to her over the phone, hearing her Polish accent and name, I’m pretty certain the assumption was made due to her accent and nationality only.

TeaAddict235 · 06/04/2021 16:42

@MNChkn

The MN posh person stereotype - scruffy clothes, shaggy hair, shit car, plummy accent - doesn’t apply to people who aren’t white 😂
True true true

Non white or Irish person does the same and the following is assumed as fact!:
Poor
Council flat (15th floor)
Gang background/ history
Poorly educated
Numerous unplanned pregnancies
Don't live in the countryside
Don't own property
Not university educated
Can't have gone to private school
Can't be bilingual in a "useful " European Latin/ Germanic language
Only purchases from fast fashion companies

...the list is endless

GreyhoundG1rl · 06/04/2021 16:47

She said “as” not “if”- assumed that the woman was from a low income household.
I would have thought that comment was based on information already given (on the application form); it's fairly unbelievable that someone would both assume a person fell into a certain income bracket and then proceed to tell them that it was the case.
But maybe...

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