Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

@HoegaardenHappiness

Mismatching clothes and unkempt hair would be my guess. With a added sprinkle of single parent.

Ok easy to fix:
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

What the what now?

I've been womaning wrong my entire life

For what it's worth I'd look cheap in big diamond studs due to having teeny earlobes.

Handbag costing upwards of £400? No, just no.

Silk scarves, again no, am I fuck taking silk scarves to the dry cleaners when they're all sweaty.

I like black and it suits me, blue unless a certain shade and grey drain the colour from me.

Apple watch? Wtaf, an Apple Watch does not make you look like you're not poor.

That entire list is just hilarious.

@HoegaardenHappiness

Mismatching clothes and unkempt hair would be my guess. With a added sprinkle of single parent.

Ok easy to fix:
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

"An added sprinkle of single parent".

The fact that people like this poster exist, with their lists of things to judge folk by (that they obviously use themselves or wouldn't be able to reel them off so fast), is why I think you're getting those comments from people.

This is the worst side of MN for me. I'm annoyed with myself for clicking on this thread. I knew it'd bring out the worst of the snobs.

The hair advice reminds me of the time a recruitment professional told me to straighten my hair.

I still wear it natural, and I still own hoop earrings.

You mentioned that you are a people pleaser and have a confidence issue. This could be how you are holding yourself and how you are interacting with people. It might be worth playing with how you walk and hold yourself. An accent, per se, would not cause this, but how you walk would. I live in jeans and t-shirts that are not high end so that would not necessarily be it.

@HowManyToes

Oh and, weirdly, something along these lines happened to me yesterday. I wanted to buy cream from the pharmacy that you can get a prescription for (I’m in Scotland so scripts are free) the pharmacist made a huge show of “oh, are you sure you don’t want to wait for a prescription? I can look up the price but it’ll be dear” even offered to do an emergency script for me if I “was desperate for it”. Pointed out a cheaper (but unsuitable) alternative.

After repeating “no it’s fine, I’m happy to buy it” 3 or 4 times I lost the rag a bit and said “look, what exactly about me is it that leads you to believe I can’t afford to buy this? Are you going to sell me it or not? “ the rest of the transaction took place in stony silence. He obviously didn’t like being called out.

It was 8 fucking pounds.

I’m presuming you live in Scotland but are not actually Scottish then?! . No Scot of any economic level will pay more than they have to for something! (I am Scottish. I earn 6 figures. I am living proof of this).

Sod the £400 handbag and the flat hair. Pfft. What a ridiculous waste of money that I can well afford but would rather give to charity.

This kind of thing is exactly why normal people get judged so stupidly... by people who think a flashy handbag defines you.

your original post sounds a bit paranoid.

businesses generally might make a judgement about ability to pay because they do not want bad debts.

however you should not automatically think it is about you.
unless you have some kind of history of bad debt and some objective circumstances where you think people you interact with might know about that. and even then all it takes is a few situations where you pay just fine and most business will be more than happy to thereafter carry on doing business with you.... they are, after all, there to make money.

When we put an offer on our house the auctioneer looked surprised and said 'do you have that kind of money'. I was shocked and pretty insulted! Not sure if it was because of our age or maybe we look poor!
And our house was reasonably priced, we weren't putting an offer on a 1m property!

@knitnerd90

The hair advice reminds me of the time a recruitment professional told me to straighten my hair.

I still wear it natural, and I still own hoop earrings.

I couldn't flatten my hair if I balanced a two ton boulder on my head. Maybe that's what held me back all these years. Who knew? 😂

Obv the bag and earrings last a few years! It’s just a quick short cut. Classic style.

I didn’t mean ‘straight’ hair, just shiny, without those wiry pointy-up hairs. Curly can be sleek too.

The rich people I know can look scruffy, but everything is ‘old and expensive’ not new an cheap.

Or stay as you are. Who cares what these fuckers think?

I moved to the small, relatively well heeled county town I live in, years ago. 17 years ago, as I’m a goldsmith and jeweller, I opened a shop here. For 12 years I was very lucky and successful. 3 years ago, everyone who came into the shop, commented on how expensive everything was, even though I’d actually kept prices deliberately low. I think it’s peoples attitude that’s changed, toward money OP. I think, now retailers are afraid of frightening clients off, and so seek to offer cheaper alternatives or options in case they themselves are considered “expensive” .....I actually think it’s no more than that....and I agree, the Easter egg incident is you over thinking a bit !!!!

I flew business class with my children a few years ago to Barcelona. I was asked at least three times if I was in the right seats , had my tickets checked as well so I must look destitute.

@Fluffmum

I flew business class with my children a few years ago to Barcelona. I was asked at least three times if I was in the right seats , had my tickets checked as well so I must look destitute.

Who asked you?

Oooohhhhhh I've had this too..
Some days I look like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards & don't wear make-up to go shopping. I've lost count of the times I've been followed by security around M&S and such stores as I do not fit the criteria of their clientele.. Bloody cheek!
I've lived hand to mouth and am now financially stable but I'm still the same as I was.

When I’ve flown business class with work I always get directed to the economy lines for check in. I get it I wouldn’t fly business class normally and rock up in jeans and Tshirt 🤣

@burritofan

you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021: £300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy. £120 per pair on jeans £150 per pair on shoes This is, to put it mildly, completely bonkers.

Unbelievably bonkers, and it means that in my whole world, there is not one person who looks respectable.

Wow. I think these are things they say to everyone because of previous experiences. The fact you think it’s just ‘you’ is a tad narcissistic.

I’ve had this a lot to when I was living somewhere quite rural.. I think they were surprised to see a black women go into certain shops

I think Thepricklysheep is spot on. I think it’s just what they’re used to dealing with all the time and says more about them than you.

It could also be that youre not dressed right. Taken me a bit of time to realise this, but you should spend approx these amounts to look respectable in 2021:
£300 on coat. Not ott coat but quietly expensive. Especially good if its outdoorsy.
£120 per pair on jeans
£150 per pair on shoes
You don't need lots but just enough that you're not always wearing the same thing.

God this is such a load of rubbish . I'm going to get flamed for saying it but its..... a very nouveau riche perspective. I live in one of most expensive towns in Britain. Pretty much everyone is well off and generally from upper middle class background. The women live in funky running tights or black leggings! Other than the athleisure its usually relatively plain basic jumpers often from high street shops like Zara, Toms or converse shoes, and I can't remember the last time I saw someone over 25 in jeans. People love bargains.

This list
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

Someone having a little joke right there

Ok easy to fix:
Only wear blue or grey. Not black.
Expensive leather bag. £400+
Nice silk scarves for work.
Apple Watch and matching phone.
Big diamond studs - second hand Tiffany.
Sleek hair - wash and flatten.

^^ haha, WTAF?! No, no, no and no 😆 I really don’t want to cast aspersions on the age and style of above poster, but I heartily disagree. You don’t and shouldn’t have to do anything of the sort! And what’s wrong with black?! Everyone knows black is the easiest way to look classy and fashionable, surely?! Sleek, flat hair?! Sorry what? S/he forgot to add the final thing on the list - a horse 🙈

I think, if you can’t be arsed doing makeup/skincare routine daily, then the Barbour jacket is actually a pretty good reco.

Maybe visit the beautician and see what low maintenance stuff they suggest, eg eyebrow tint, eyelash perm etc. Or go to a department store and visit a cosmetics counter (eg Mac and/or Clarins) and they can give you a lesson on the basics. It will make you look heaps younger too. You could even ask for a personal dresser in eg John Lewis or a department store and get them to help you with a few smart-casual outfits.

Get your roots done. Maybe some highlights/lowlights so that the look lasts longer than 6 weeks and you can string out trips to the hairdresser (perhaps every 3-4 months). If your face looks ok, then a bun is fine, but if you’ve a ‘bare’, tired face and noticeable roots then the bun is probably not helping either.

You don’t have to go high end at all on clothing. Sounds like you already have a nice backpack - tick, no need for a handbag. Some flat-heeled ankle boots (and sandals) from Jones and/or Clarks (or get the shoemaker abroad to do you some for casual); jeans can be cheapo but just not too old (eg skinny high waisted or mom jeans from Tu @Sainos!); same on trainers, they don’t have to be expensive, just not dirty; clean, plain well fitted Ts (eg Oliver Bonas).

personally, if you’re prepared to spend a little more, I don’t think you can go wrong with Whistles, Reiss or Cos. Maybe a blazer to go with jeans? Though I actually do think M+S clothes often look quite trendy and classy! But there’s a lot of dross in there too so I guess it’s a bit risky.

In short, if it’s slimline/fitted then T-shirts, jeans, trainers etc are all fine but I suppose they look much better when clean and fresh.

This is really interesting, it’s made me think about how strangers receive me in shops etc too and I do think on my scruffier days I get a cooler reception - at least initially.

It happens to everyone! Well...it happens to me and my husband fairly often. We earn 6-figures and we have been given the brush off in car showrooms, estate agents and smart clothes shops. We look fairly groomed, my handbags are all £750+ and our clothes are from decent shops....I guess my point is that there is nothing wrong with you - some salespeople just have no idea!

I was going to ask what your kids look like @forinborin but I see you’ve said “dishevelled”... that’s possibly got something to do with it. I think kids trousers sailing up past their ankles, and tight t-shirts riding up their midriff, instantly makes kids look poor, it just smacks of the parents not being able to afford new clothes. Also, discoloured clothes, like a white school top gone shabby grey or scruffy trainers just shout not having enough money to replace items that clearly need replacing.
Btw, ignore the flatten hair comments, that’s utterly stupid, some of the chicest women I know have wild hair.

" wanted to buy cream from the pharmacy that you can get a prescription for (I’m in Scotland so scripts are free) the pharmacist made a huge show of “oh, are you sure you don’t want to wait for a prescription? I can look up the price but it’ll be dear” even offered to do an emergency script for me if I “was desperate for it”. Pointed out a cheaper (but unsuitable) alternative."

I get similar where I live, the difference being is that we have to pay for the dr here so last time I pointed out that I would spend more on the GP appointment than the saving I would make on a party reimbursed prescription. (I will consider getting a prescription for long-term use though).