Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

[forinborin]

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

Hmmm. Looking or sounding foreign mean you’re poor in this country. Racists, much?

Given the answers you've given- that you have a "foreign" accent and "look foreign" I think, unfortunately, that on some occasions people are being prejudice- even if only subconsciously. Being a single parent is likely to be a factor too- "single mothers" have often been vilified by the tabloids, the narrative being that they live off the state.

People have made assumptions about me because I look/used to look young for age- (motherhood has probably seen to that problem!) have assumed I was the assistant rather than the person in charge and so on.

You earn 90K-100K a year so who cares what they think!

When we could go shopping, me and my husband would take bets on how soon a security guard would clock us and follow us in the stores (nothing posh just like Next etc). Husband is 6ft2 with a no. 1 shaved head and wears jeans and hoody, but is also the assistant headteacher at his school and the sweetest man. We must look poor and rough! 😂 😂

We have had this happen! We were looking for a piece of furniture and were browsing at the bespoke ones as we didn't really like the other stuff (well couldn't agree on anything ready made). The shop assistant told us they had some cheap discounted furniture at the back end of the shop we may be more interested in. We ended up buying the bespoke furniture and the tune changed pretty fast when he realised we could in fact afford it.

But then on the other hand some of my friends seem to think we are loaded and have never experienced not having much money.

I have realised it is better to not give a toss about what other people think. Also no way would I change my wardrobe in order to appear more "wealthy" but then that might be because I do love a good bargain and only buy new clothes when there are discounts

When I was in selling items in my shop I always asked if someone had a budget in mind - not because I assumed wealth one way or the other. Just so I wasn't putting somebody off a sale by going too low or too high.

On the other hand my DF is an incredibly wealthy man but you'd never know it if you saw him - he usually just wears his work clothes everywhere. He went into a posh car show room looking to buy a new car outright, all sales people by-passed him, going for the people dressed in suits

Rightly or wrongly, and crazy though it might sound... My guess is that it’s mainly due to you having your hair up in a bun (which you said you usually do).

In the UK that hairstyle (and tight ponytails) are sometimes mockingly called “A Croydon Facelift” and tends to be thought of as “common or low-class” (if there is still such a thing) - ie how poor women style their hair. (Google “Vicky Pollard comedy sketches” and you will see the stereotype that many people associate with women wearing their hair in tight buns or ponytails....). Xx

This happens to me all the time. I work in the restoration industry. I often pop into shops covered in oily dirt or with straw in my hair from mucking out the horses.

I take it with a pinch of salt. I’m not getting changed to suit their perception of who can afford what.

I always park near the door where possible so that their rude, judgemental selves can see me drive away in my 85k car. Robles solved.

Thats so weird of people. Very pretty woman. Whats weird is ive never had this happen to me yet i dress atrociously never do my hair or make up and my family and friends always tell me i look homeless yet people often seem to assume i have money. Isnt it odd how people perceive each other.

That said i went for an interview at a car dealer when i was 19 and i was appalled when they were telling us how you judge people by appearance, including to basically go low effort for anyone in a tracksuit etc.

But you know, rich people also love a bargain and saving money. It eases their conscience to feel thrifty. So, come to think of it, I would always offer a rich person a cheaper deal. It's only the nouveaux who are touchy about it. It may not be an assumption of poverty actually.

@Doona

But you know, rich people also love a bargain and saving money. It eases their conscience to feel thrifty. So, come to think of it, I would always offer a rich person a cheaper deal. It's only the nouveaux who are touchy about it. It may not be an assumption of poverty actually.

My children at Very expensive prep and public school

The second hand shop and the Facebook second hand group runs out of stock regularly. Roaring trade. I sold some second hand uniform and offered to drop off as right by work.
The house was vast with half a mile driveway.

Exactly, @Lassolarry1980. That’s what some people on the thread aren’t grasping. It’s not that ‘rich people like a bargain too’, it’s ‘old money often regards brand-new clothes and obvious effort made etc as arriviste’.

It will depend entirely on the eye of the beholder/the social setting whether obviously second-hand uniform and battered luggage bespeaks being a member of the UC ‘tribe’ or poverty.

Therefore altering your self-presentation, as advocated on several posts, is pointless unless you have a very firm grasp of who you’re trying to ‘pass’ for.

@luckylorca

Rightly or wrongly, and crazy though it might sound... My guess is that it’s mainly due to you having your hair up in a bun (which you said you usually do).

In the UK that hairstyle (and tight ponytails) are sometimes mockingly called “A Croydon Facelift” and tends to be thought of as “common or low-class” (if there is still such a thing) - ie how poor women style their hair. (Google “Vicky Pollard comedy sketches” and you will see the stereotype that many people associate with women wearing their hair in tight buns or ponytails....). Xx

Hmm, it had never occurred to me. I hope I don't look quite as Vicky Pollard... but yes, it is not a highly groomed look, more for convenience.

Just to clarify, I am not from "old money" in any way, and not trying to pass as if I have a mansion somewhere in the countryside. I mentioned the income just to provide some context - it is roughly what a family, say, of a nurse and a teacher would bring home on the net basis. It is far from poverty, and I do have some extra now that there's some relief from atrocious pre-school childcare costs, but it is not buying-a-new-tesla-for-cash or discreetly-flashing-diamonds territory. For example, I cannot afford to buy a 2-3 bed flat where I am as a sole borrower, not earning enough for a mortgage, even with having the maximum credit score possible. So there will be no "gotcha, I am rich" moment for me.

My main objective is to stop looking insolvent , ideally with minimum additional effort, but I guess there's no easy solution! Spending money on items is easier than hairderssers and makeup artists etc - due to the lack of time, first of all, but £400 bags and thousands on jewellery are probably out of the budget at the moment.

@jwpetal

You mentioned that you are a people pleaser and have a confidence issue. This could be how you are holding yourself and how you are interacting with people. It might be worth playing with how you walk and hold yourself. An accent, per se, would not cause this, but how you walk would. I live in jeans and t-shirts that are not high end so that would not necessarily be it.

Yes, I think confidence would be one of the first things I'd need to work on... probably the toughest one too, they don't sell it in a shop unfortunately.

@forinborin

Just to clarify, I am not from "old money" in any way, and not trying to pass as if I have a mansion somewhere in the countryside. I mentioned the income just to provide some context - it is roughly what a family, say, of a nurse and a teacher would bring home on the net basis. It is far from poverty, and I do have some extra now that there's some relief from atrocious pre-school childcare costs, but it is not buying-a-new-tesla-for-cash or discreetly-flashing-diamonds territory. For example, I cannot afford to buy a 2-3 bed flat where I am as a sole borrower, not earning enough for a mortgage, even with having the maximum credit score possible. So there will be no "gotcha, I am rich" moment for me.

My main objective is to stop looking insolvent , ideally with minimum additional effort, but I guess there's no easy solution! Spending money on items is easier than hairderssers and makeup artists etc - due to the lack of time, first of all, but £400 bags and thousands on jewellery are probably out of the budget at the moment.

No, I didn’t think you were — that wasn’t aimed at you, OP. My point was only that while a lot of people are telling you how to change your self-presentation to come across as ‘not struggling’, a lot of people aren’t considering who it is you’re trying to come across to.

If I’d been trying to do something similar in the village I used to live in, I would have either had to go head to toe Joules/Boden or ‘footballer’s wife’, because those were the two locally-recognisable versions of ‘prosperous’. Where I live now, in an inner city area popular with senior medics, architects and academics because of its proximity to the university and several hospitals, the jeans, jumper and big scarf I wear to wfh don't stand outward in anyway unusual.

@luckylorca

Rightly or wrongly, and crazy though it might sound... My guess is that it’s mainly due to you having your hair up in a bun (which you said you usually do).

In the UK that hairstyle (and tight ponytails) are sometimes mockingly called “A Croydon Facelift” and tends to be thought of as “common or low-class” (if there is still such a thing) - ie how poor women style their hair. (Google “Vicky Pollard comedy sketches” and you will see the stereotype that many people associate with women wearing their hair in tight buns or ponytails....). Xx

👀 I wear that because it's always bloody windy and this is the easiest thing to do 😂

I remember last year, before pandemic when things were starting to go a bit shaky I managed to get a delivery slot and decided to make the most of it and bought enough to keep us fed and watered comfortably until I was able to get another slot.
I answered the door and the driver started bringing it all in (those were the days!) and I was mentally preparing myself for the mammoth task of putting it all away.

He then said ‘oooh they’ve even got you putting their food away for them have they?’

He thought I was the cleaner!

Haven’t learnt my lesson. I still dress like a scruff.

Just to clarify. I don’t mean all cleaners are scruffy! I was dressed in crappy leggings and tshirt because I happened to be actually cleaning (for once)

My cleaner dresses really well, as does our nanny. Beautiful jewellery and great casual clothes. Their job is to make things nicer, so that’s hardly a surprise.

My job is to sit in front of a screen and make money, and I do that most efficiently in my pyjamas or gardening clothes.

My friend’s Dad is business owner and worth a few million, he’s also Asian. He gets a lot of people assuming he’s poor, presumably just because of his ethnicity . Examples would be shop assistants discreetly handing him yellow stickered items, heavily discounting big purchases for him, saying “I’m sure we could find a way to ensure you don’t have to pay for that” (ie dental treatment, prescriptions etc). His daughter (my friend) was privately educated and is a lecturer at a university now but during the pandemic decided to do a college course for fun and the person in charge of admissions wouldn’t let her pay her fees and kept asking her to fill in a form for the hardship fund, and saying “as your household income is under £16k, you won’t have to pay any fees if you fill in a finance form”. My friend had to keep telling her that she was eligible to pay fees (I think it was only a couple of hundred pounds!) and wasn’t on benefits. She’s also had the repeated experience of answering the door to her home (which she owns outright) and being assumed to be the cleaner or taking her nieces and nephews out (who appear white) and being assumed to be the nanny. Her Dad is often thought to be a taxi driver. I have frequently been annoyed on their behalf. They dress well (he is always in a shirt and tie, she dresses professionally in tailored, fitted office wear and heels etc, never seen her in jeans or trainers!). She says she doesn’t have it anywhere near as bad as another lecturer friend of hers who is Polish and always thought to be the cleaner or an au pair when she’s actually a leading academic who travels the world speaking at conferences on global economics. More than once she’s turned up, in a suit to deliver a speech at a conference center and is told the loos are a bit messy and need cleaned once she’s changed into her uniform . At her kids’ private school, once the parents realise she’s not an au pair and is in fact the mother of her children, they always ask what her husband does and if he “brought her over” from Poland .

Its disgusting in this day and age that people are so narrow minded.

I have exactly the same problem OP.
We struggled paying off debt for years after a dodgy house purchase.
However in the last 5 years we are doing pretty well financially as I got a good job, DH got a promotion and we are finally debt free.

We live in a lovely part of town, big house. However everyone and I mean everyone assumes we are very poor. I have had family just this week bring us a leg of lamb because “everyone deserves a decent roast at Easter “. Um thanks but I already have a lovely dinner purchased.
Like you OP I get it everywhere I go, shops, restaurants and complete strangers making comments, offering cheap alternatives, etc. Even been asked to pay in advance at a lovely restaurant when I ordered an expensive bottle of wine.

I have got used to it though. I reckon it’s because I don’t blow money on things I don’t deem worth it. My house has not got fancy furniture, no point with young kids. My house is filled with cheap furniture and needs updating. And I don’t, in fact refuse, to follow fashion trends. I wear what I feel comfortable in. I also don’t go to hair salons, get my nails done or wear make up most days. I work as a nursery teacher so after a day at work I am grubby, covered in paint and dirt and look a state. I will happily pay a couple hundred quid on a meal out but giving a salon 100 quid for a hairdo? No chance!

All I can say is if you can’t get used to it then change your appearance. People judge people on appearance. Something about you screams poor. Change your clothes, your hair or loose weight?
Or be like me and say “f that” ! I wear what I want, if you think I am poor then so what, I will still order that posh bottle of wine and pay in advance if you want me too. Learn to not give a crap about what others think.

Oh and an example about how people think.... my ILs came for lamb roast on Sunday and barely ate any meat because quote “ you guys need it, we can afford meat whenever we want”. Instead of arguing I let them eat a little and boy the look on their face when I gave all the leftover meat to the dog. It was priceless. I nonchalantly stated “ we give him our roast leftovers every Sunday, it’s his Easter too.”

I was once asked if “I was actually going to buy a certain dress in a shop in Sloane Square a few years ago.” 🙄 I did buy the dress, accessories and more. The shop assistant was very embarrassed. I put it down to being an immigrant with a foreign accent.😂 You just have to laugh it off. You cannot control what people think.

Admittedly I do struggle sometimes, quite comfortable at the moment after receiving money from a claim but as a single parent, I must give out the vibes. People assumed my house was council when it’s not, I’ve paid to a private landlord for 5 years on my own, I work and take care of my kids but I don’t know, unless you are a single parent and give out some ‘vibes’. I don’t dress amazing or anything cos I have more important things to pay for, I’m usually with a scruffy mum bun too.

Repeating myself from earlier in the thread, but dressing how you please, rather than how small-minded people expect you to dress in your own milieu, is a useful technique for identifying assholes you don’t need to waste your time on.

Be who you are, OP. If you want to dress “up”, do it because you want to, not because you’re being made to conform to the standards of stupid schmucks.