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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do people assume I am struggling financially?

552 replies

forinborin · 04/04/2021 10:57

A very, very shallow thread.

Over the last couple of years, I had a couple of situations where people, presumably, assumed that I must be in some financial trouble.

Once at a dentist - I registered with a new one for an emergency appointment and everyone (the receptionist, the dental nurse and the dentist) repeated several times that it is not free, not NHS and I will be expected to pay for it (I was puzzled as I already said "yes, I know, I read the form with the fee schedule and I signed it" several times).

Being told in a cafe that the price on the menu is for an "average" size main item (say, a lobster), and the actual one could be more or less expensive depending on the exact weight - would I like them to pick a smaller / cheaper one? The difference was a pound or two at most, probably.

Browsing for a gift for a friend's newborn in one of those boutique baby shops and the attendant saying "you know, we are a bit on the expensive side - you can also try XXX (a high street shop)". Without any prompting from my side, she even did not ask what I was looking for.

Discussing a recent purchase with someone I know distantly (they asked for a recommendation), and they say: "oh, you probably will be paying it off for years now!" It wasn't that expensive, I did not buy it on credit - but for some reason they had an impression that it was the only way I could afford it?

And so it goes, the full list is quite long. Yesterday new neighbours said they bought too many chocolate eggs and whether I/kids would like to share the excess, as no one should go without at Easter - they know how hard it must be. We are not going without... had never said anything like that to them, had never discussed money. Limiting sugar at home, that's true, for newly diagnosed health reasons - the children probably mentioned something at school about not having candy and chocolate, but why the first conclusion is that it is due to the lack of money? I mean, it was very kind of them, but made me feel like a charity case...

Now, I am not rich or wealthy, far from it, there are indeed months where it is paycheck to paycheck. But I have a reasonably comfortable professional income and can usually afford a chocolate egg or a tooth extraction. Something in my appearance/ behaviour must be screaming "she's struggling financially!"

So my extremely shallow question is - what is it that would make you immediately think "oh, she's struggling" pretty much on the first sight? Appearance/ grooming? Weight / visible unhealthiness? Clothes / style? Behaviour?

OP posts:
Beline4u · 06/04/2021 10:17

I get what you're saying. How are you feeling at the moment? Sometimes when are feeling a bit vulnerable alot of things become highlighted such as what your saying.

Bubblebu · 06/04/2021 10:22

i don't get the whole "don't you know who I am" vibe.

we live in a much more international world now - ok so people in local communities might judge based on what they think they know but to the extent you can just ignore them!

people can just drop that - it is not personal - if you actually do have the money and want the item / service just press ahead.

If the seller is so up themselves then walk away and tough on them - see if you can get it somewhere else instead or come back another time with evidence of the cash - who cares? you end up with what you wanted.

or start doing a lot more of your shopping online - no one there cares so long as you are good for the money.

if you are a shop/seller how about some straight talking?

Just ask a shopper "what kind of budget did you have in mind?"
If they object to that they have real paranoia problems.

If the shopper suggests they won't serve you because they have decided for whatever reason that you will not be good for the money you can find a way to say very politely that you do have the budget and will be good for the money and you are finding it frustrating to have to go through this process first.

If the shop is so paranoid there are ways round this - for example "ticket" entry or some kind of model where all buyers are asked for a downpayment in advance. And if people do not like that they can just not shop!

Bubblebu · 06/04/2021 10:24

And if people are constantly offering you things or talking about your budget and you have tried to correct them - then reverse it! Ask them for a discount (if necessary explain you could afford the price in the first place) - ask them how cheap they will sell it to you!

There are genuinely plenty of extremely wealthy people who spend their life trying to drive a hard bargain in all areas of their life and do not have any kind of conscience about it.

Oncemoretwicemore · 06/04/2021 10:46

OP, despite hundreds of post, as some pp have said it might be some really basic/petty 'class markers'.

At the school gate here, jeans + hair down = middle class mums; leggings/tracky bottoms + hair scraped back = working class mums (this is a different category from the expensive leisure wear favoured by the prep school mums down the road)

I don't dress smartly/expensively in the slightest but my 'line' for going out in public is proper trousers and hair brushed

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:48

@Oncemoretwicemore

OP, despite hundreds of post, as some pp have said it might be some really basic/petty 'class markers'.

At the school gate here, jeans + hair down = middle class mums; leggings/tracky bottoms + hair scraped back = working class mums (this is a different category from the expensive leisure wear favoured by the prep school mums down the road)

I don't dress smartly/expensively in the slightest but my 'line' for going out in public is proper trousers and hair brushed

This is hysterical!

As i say, my children are prep and public schools.

70% of the mothers drop off on workout gear.... leggings!

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 10:48

With hair in ponytails or buns!

wildchild554 · 06/04/2021 10:54

whatever the reason behind it you have no reason to change the wat you look to please others if thats what your worried about. Just be how you feel comfortable and don't worry :)

Janegrey333 · 06/04/2021 11:02

@Lassolarry1980:

Re the sort of clothing you wear to the school gate, as it were, I think the jogging bottoms aka as “workout gear” and the hair scraped back in a Croydon facelift style, suggests you don’t have high standards. Wearing a pretty dress and ballet pumps is vastly preferable.

Janegrey333 · 06/04/2021 11:03

As for leggings - just no.

Oncemoretwicemore · 06/04/2021 11:05

Hey, I put in a separate category for legging-wearing prep mums! Grin

Confusedandshaken · 06/04/2021 11:09

[quote Janegrey333]@Lassolarry1980:

Re the sort of clothing you wear to the school gate, as it were, I think the jogging bottoms aka as “workout gear” and the hair scraped back in a Croydon facelift style, suggests you don’t have high standards. Wearing a pretty dress and ballet pumps is vastly preferable.[/quote]
A pretty dress and ballet pumps might be stylish in Stepford or on a Timotei ad but would look pretty odd at a U.K. school gate. I'm quite a 'girlie girl' in terms of style but that's a look that borders on twee IMO.

SecretCiderCellar · 06/04/2021 11:11

Wearing a pretty dress and ballet pumps is vastly preferable

Around here dressing up for the school run would scream 'socially insecure'.

DrSbaitso · 06/04/2021 11:14

If someone is dressed nicely on the school run, I just assume they're dressed for wherever they're going afterwards, if I give it any thought at all.

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 11:14

[quote Janegrey333]@Lassolarry1980:

Re the sort of clothing you wear to the school gate, as it were, I think the jogging bottoms aka as “workout gear” and the hair scraped back in a Croydon facelift style, suggests you don’t have high standards. Wearing a pretty dress and ballet pumps is vastly preferable.[/quote]
Grin

Hair in ponytail
Workout gear
Means you’re going to the gym

Honestly, about 70% at my children’s private school!

Lassolarry1980 · 06/04/2021 11:15

(Or like me - going for a very long coffee with a friend and then night pop in for 20 mins on the treadmill! Grin)

SecretCiderCellar · 06/04/2021 11:19

@Lassolarry1980

(Or like me - going for a very long coffee with a friend and then night pop in for 20 mins on the treadmill! Grin)
When I used to go to a north London gym, there was a man who came in every Saturday morning, sat and read the free newspapers with a coffee in the reception area, after which according to DH he would go into the men's changing area, splash water on the chest and armpits of his workout gear and leave again.
Oncemoretwicemore · 06/04/2021 11:20

@Lassolarry1980

(Or like me - going for a very long coffee with a friend and then night pop in for 20 mins on the treadmill! Grin)
I think the difference might be that you're actually visiting the gym (for a coffee or no Grin )
CrankyFrankie · 06/04/2021 11:21

Many hairdressers also offer mobile services where they’ll come to your house of an evening and do your hair at home (often cheaper rates than they offer at the salon too).

Oncemoretwicemore · 06/04/2021 11:22

[quote Janegrey333]@Lassolarry1980:

Re the sort of clothing you wear to the school gate, as it were, I think the jogging bottoms aka as “workout gear” and the hair scraped back in a Croydon facelift style, suggests you don’t have high standards. Wearing a pretty dress and ballet pumps is vastly preferable.[/quote]
But then I'd have to change back into my jeans and sweatshirt when I got home to sit at my desk all day...

Nats1984 · 06/04/2021 11:35

Ha. I’m seriously scruffy, I have huge hair that’s thick dark curls and unruly in a ‘just woke up ‘ way so it’s either like that or scraped back, I wear tracksuits and have a very common accent. People’s jaws hit the floor when they see I have a house full of antiques and I’ve got two degrees and have published books. I find it amusing. People seem to assume I’m on benefits and have no eduction when they meet me. I used to try and make an effort to look ‘posher’ I really can’t be bothered now. I also look very young and a gp once spoke to me like I was a clueless teen mum when discussing my son, I was just offended enough to state that I had a degree in human health so was fairly clued up on nutrition although it was some years ago as was almost 36. People make odd assumptions based on odd things. I’m too old to care what anyone thinks of me . I do recommend it as a way of life.

Birthday552 · 06/04/2021 11:41

Let’s be honest. The UK is full of class judgement and stereotyping and snobbery is rife in Britain. I’m sorry you’ve been made to feel this way OP.

ThatOtherPoster · 06/04/2021 11:44

I work in a shop that’s frequented by a mix of rich people and normal people. I’ve noticed that rich people:

Wear clothes that are simple and plain, but of a lovely quality: cashmere jumpers, decent jeans, silk shirts, real leather jackets.

Jewellery is minimal but impressive (like a beautiful watch, or a stonking engagement ring and wedding band on an otherwise bare hand).

Decent leather handbag. Good leather shoes.

Have shiny hair. (Women.) I don’t know how money gives you shiny hair but it seems to.

Have a lovely wallet or purse.

Bubblebu · 06/04/2021 11:52

Lassolarry1980

your posts sound as if the people who do the school run in your world very LITERALLY have nothing but the school run to do - they do not work (they do not have to) and if they work out they change because the school run itself is their sole purpose for existing....

Doona · 06/04/2021 12:20

I work in a shop that’s frequented by a mix of rich people and normal people

How do you know though? The "normal" people could be rich and the "rich" people could be buying all their outfits on credit.

ThatOtherPoster · 06/04/2021 12:52

How do you know though?

We deliver to their houses. I agree it’s not infallible but you get a sense. 😆