Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

Finding a new relationship doesn't mean you forget the past. Or neglect the children's needs. Our house is full of pictures of my late DH /DC's father. And he's talked about daily. It keeps the memory alive. In my new partner my children have however found a friend / an ally, someone whose always got their back, who continues to support them in their grief, who helps them when they're in trouble, who shares the good times and the bad, someone they are free to talk to about whatever they want. Which they do. What they don't have is a replacement dad. Because that's not possible. And it's not what they would want. But he has contributed to building a life raft for them. Particularly in the bad times. And especially when the in-laws turned their back on all of us. And his presence, friendship and support is extremely important to them.

I knew a guy a few years ago now that had a beautiful GF ‘Sam’. He was 30, she was 25. She was killed in an accident so it was absolutely tragic.

I was stunned to find out that he’d moved in another beautiful 25 year old in to his home within a year.

Whilst i can’t say I know the GF that died, I remember seeing the new GF on FB and thinking it must be hard for ‘Sam’s’ parents to see him move on fast. I even gasped and felt sorry for the parents so his only knows what they must have felt like.

I also knew another woman who lost her DH at 40 to cancer and I was again shocked when I seen that within a year she had a pic of her and her new fella.

It’s none of my business of course but I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

It's not moving on though is it. Not in that way. It's not a divorce. It's forging a new life and trying to find happiness and peace after trauma. I don't love my late husband any less now than I did when he was alive. I've not moved on and left him behind. He's still here in my heart and my memories. I've just been lucky enough to find someone who I love and who loves me and my children. To share being alive with. The heart expands. There is room for both. It's not simply one or the other.

All I have to add is that I've been in the exact same situation as you, OP. Sadly, twice. And it really, really hurts. One of the deaths was 11 years ago and it still hurts to see him with the woman he met 4 months later, now married with 2 kids. Eldest kid is nearly 10 years old so you can see how quickly he moved on

I have spent so much time being angry. I feel they never loved them as much as they should as they were 'replaced' so quickly. I've never been able to be at peace with it. It's a truly shitty situation and I've got nothing to add that will help you other than to say I totally get where you are coming from and you're allowed to be hurt.

Give yourself space.

No one can know how they would feel or react until it happens to them. People can say 'if it was me I would...' but you don't really know.

My dad died when I was 13. 26 years later and my mum has never contemplated anyone else. She says she's had the best and no one could compare. I respect her view but I often wonder if the intervening years, when she was essentially a carer for her own parents, would have been easier on her if she had someone to share them with.

DH and I are almost the same age now that my mum and dad were when he died, although my son is much younger than I was, which gives me pause for thought in ways that aren't relevant to this thread, but if DH was to die now, would I want to be like my mum and be alone for the rest of my life? I don't think I would. Does that mean I love DH less than she loved my dad? I don't think so. But I have no way of knowing what I would do in her shoes, and hope I never have to.

The time frame in the OP does seem very short, especially the sleepovers, but I suppose so long as the children's emotional needs are being met (which is of paramount importance) then no one should really judge.

@Helenia

It's not moving on though is it. Not in that way. It's not a divorce. It's forging a new life and trying to find happiness and peace after trauma. I don't love my late husband any less now than I did when he was alive. I've not moved on and left him behind. He's still here in my heart and my memories. I've just been lucky enough to find someone who I love and who loves me and my children. To share being alive with. The heart expands. There is room for both. It's not simply one or the other.

That's fine. But having the new person staying over and what sounds like intense involvement in 4 young children's live just 5 months after a loss like that?

I have to say, my friend's father died when we were 14 and her mother did this, same speed. She has never had much of a relationship with her mother since because as she says, her mother was the adult in the relationship and put her own need for happiness before what was best for her kids.

@TableFlowerss

I knew a guy a few years ago now that had a beautiful GF ‘Sam’. He was 30, she was 25. She was killed in an accident so it was absolutely tragic.

I was stunned to find out that he’d moved in another beautiful 25 year old in to his home within a year.

Whilst i can’t say I know the GF that died, I remember seeing the new GF on FB and thinking it must be hard for ‘Sam’s’ parents to see him move on fast. I even gasped and felt sorry for the parents so his only knows what they must have felt like.

I also knew another woman who lost her DH at 40 to cancer and I was again shocked when I seen that within a year she had a pic of her and her new fella.

It’s none of my business of course but I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

It’s quite ok to be happy again you know!!!!!!

Unless you’ve been through it you simply have no idea.

Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

Seems so. I'm starting to wonder if my sister in law is on here 🤔

I think you feel very responsible for the children and to your sister. Which is very understandable as that is probably what you’ve been doing for your sister your entire life. It’s a very special and unbreakable bond. You can’t really take responsibility though, she chose her husband and you just need to have trust that she made a good choice. There is nothing you can do, he is the parent, you have to respect that. Of course you don’t have to be ‘happy for him’ at this stage. His family and friends should be the ones doing that, supporting him, I’m sure he doesn’t really expect that from the bereaved family. You have your own grief to deal with. I do think you need to be careful though, be decent to them both or it could cause problems with access to your nieces and nephews. Nobody will ever replace their mother and you are one of the closest links to her. In any circumstances we’re not always going to like partners brought into the family, this situation is even more difficult. Find people who understand and who you can talk to without judgement, nobody can help the way they feel, people don’t always feel the same way about things that doesn’t make it wrong. I’d get off social media, or unfollow them for a while if it’s causing you pain, otherwise it’s a constant reminder. Come to terms with things in your own time

@Fieldsofstars I would love mr dad to find someone. Mum died 7yrs ago

I hate the fact he may be lonely. He says he isn’t but I can’t see him all the time so if he did I would love it

I even said to him a while after mum died when he was having lunch with a female friend that if it was more I would be happy

He said no. Just friends

And yes just because someone is dead doesn’t mean forget them

Dh died 10yrs ago this month

Many of the regulars/oldies May R.E.M. it happening

Seems forever but also no time at all

I still have a pic up of dh

Tho I’ve now been with df for 9yrs. Meant to have got married last year. Wedding been cancelled twice. Hoping third time will happen / we have a 4yr after many heartache of failed ivf

I feel I was lucky enough to not find one amazing man but two.

Not all find one

Hopefully op your bil and new gf will be together in 10yrs time - if she makes him happy

[quote Blondeshavemorefun]@Fieldsofstars I would love mr dad to find someone. Mum died 7yrs ago

I hate the fact he may be lonely. He says he isn’t but I can’t see him all the time so if he did I would love it

I even said to him a while after mum died when he was having lunch with a female friend that if it was more I would be happy

He said no. Just friends

And yes just because someone is dead doesn’t mean forget them

Dh died 10yrs ago this month

Many of the regulars/oldies May R.E.M. it happening

Seems forever but also no time at all

I still have a pic up of dh

Tho I’ve now been with df for 9yrs. Meant to have got married last year. Wedding been cancelled twice. Hoping third time will happen / we have a 4yr after many heartache of failed ivf

I feel I was lucky enough to not find one amazing man but two.

Not all find one

Hopefully op your bil and new gf will be together in 10yrs time - if she makes him happy[/quote]
@Blondeshavemorefun that’s lovely - how great for you

I feel I was lucky enough to not find one amazing man but two.

♥️

I’m sorry for you loss and understand your pain to some degree.
My brother in law was getting ‘support’ from his now fiancée while his wife was in the hospice with end of life care.
Within a few months of wife passing the new woman had moved in.
I see her as a vulture hanging around waiting for her to pass away.
I haven’t accepted her and avoid her at all costs. It’s been 7 years.

Awwww they are so young, it's too soon to introduce a new woman into their lives.

Poor things are probably confused and devastated 😢

Have a relationship but keep it away from the children, get a nanny if he can't cope.

@Kona84

I’m sorry for you loss and understand your pain to some degree. My brother in law was getting ‘support’ from his now fiancée while his wife was in the hospice with end of life care. Within a few months of wife passing the new woman had moved in. I see her as a vulture hanging around waiting for her to pass away. I haven’t accepted her and avoid her at all costs. It’s been 7 years.

@Kona84 the thing is that your BIL may well have done a lot of grieving prior to his fiancée passing away especially if it was terminal illness. As the one still here you do have to think past the event and go forward with your life however that may look.

I’ve already said it on this thread but unless you have been in the specific situation you really should keep your opinions to yourself.

I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

Absolutely fuck this, @tableflowerss. This is so fucking offensive. No matter if or when I meet someone else, I will never ever EVER stop loving my DH. It doesn't matter if it's in 6 months or 6 years or 6 decades. I will always love him with every part of me. And that's why it doesn't matter when a widow or widower moves on. Because they don't stop loving their first partner. Ever. That's like saying if you have a second child quickly you can't love your first child very much. Fucking hell.

And for the record, if I met someone else, my parents and my in-laws would be absolutely delighted to see me happy again because they love me.

Honestly I cannot believe the judgement on this thread from people who have no fucking idea what it is to be widowed.

Honestly I cannot believe the judgement on this thread from people who have no fucking idea what it is to be widowed

It's revolting isn't it.

@peachgreen

Completely agree about the judgement on this thread. It’s offensive. Your analogy regarding having a second child quickly is absolutely spot on.

@Helenia

Honestly I cannot believe the judgement on this thread from people who have no fucking idea what it is to be widowed

It's revolting isn't it.

@Helenia completely agree

It really is @Helenia. And I totally get why OP feels the way she does and I really feel for her, because losing a sibling is agonising and no wonder she's finding it so difficult. But there's no excuse for some of the other posters.

And the OP hasn’t said that she objects to him getting involved with someone new. What she’s unhappy about is the new partner being so involved with the children so soon.

When I was widowed, my sister in law said to me very early on that I would meet someone else but to please keep myself and the children close to the family. She was trying to put me at ease and bring it up so that I never had to feel uncomfortable.I haven’t but I massively appreciate their attitude and I am extremely close to my husbands family. People handle things differently but you will drive a bridge if you continue to be so judgmental which will be sad for everyone. It doesn’t mean he has forgotten.

But a new partner being involved doesn't mean that their mother is being forgotten. It means parenting four children whilst grieving during lockdown is fucking impossible and he's taking all the help he can get.

Again, after I was widowed I moved in with friends. They help me parent my daughter (they have kids the same age). They have added hugely to her life. But they're not her Daddy. Nobody ever will be. We talk about him all the time and, like me, she will always love him.

Until you've been there, you can't know.

@TableFlowerss

I knew a guy a few years ago now that had a beautiful GF ‘Sam’. He was 30, she was 25. She was killed in an accident so it was absolutely tragic.

I was stunned to find out that he’d moved in another beautiful 25 year old in to his home within a year.

Whilst i can’t say I know the GF that died, I remember seeing the new GF on FB and thinking it must be hard for ‘Sam’s’ parents to see him move on fast. I even gasped and felt sorry for the parents so his only knows what they must have felt like.

I also knew another woman who lost her DH at 40 to cancer and I was again shocked when I seen that within a year she had a pic of her and her new fella.

It’s none of my business of course but I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

That's your judgement. It's all about what you think, which has no relevance to their lives and experiences. And you're right; it's none of your business, and that includes making judgements about how much people were loved. How dare you?

Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

This is a common sentiment. As a fellow widow said to me: I can't help but think that people don't want me to be happy.

I have a lot of descriptions applied to my behaviour: brave, strong, capable etc. Not one includes happiness. It feels I must behave appropriately according to other people's idea of a widow (looking after the children, providing a good life for them, whilst tragically crying myself to sleep every night).

It's also funny how the support you might still like or need years later has dried up as " you should be over it by now". That same timescale evaporates when applied to potentially dating. Verdict: "too soon".