Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

@peachgreen. That’s what i say

You love your first born with a passion. When no 2 comes along you don’t love no 1 any less or no 2 anymore. You just love them

I hope you find someone special again 😘💕

My late DH lost his wife. He met me 18 months later and we married a year later. We had 9 years and two children (one died at 2 hours).
I had a couple of relationships after he died.
I had a couple as friends. The wife sadly passed away. Her husband and I got together just under a year later. 3 months later he was diagnosed with cancer and I had 2 years with him until he died... I'm glad I was able to help two men find love and happiness after loss... 💙 ♥

I'm so sorry you lost your sister. That must be really tough for you.

My friend's dad had a new girlfriend (well, he was 75 at the time) before her mum's funeral, three weeks after she died. They'd been married almost 50 years. He seriously wanted to take the new woman to the funeral to help him cope.

@Candleabra

Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

This is a common sentiment. As a fellow widow said to me: I can't help but think that people don't want me to be happy.

I have a lot of descriptions applied to my behaviour: brave, strong, capable etc. Not one includes happiness. It feels I must behave appropriately according to other people's idea of a widow (looking after the children, providing a good life for them, whilst tragically crying myself to sleep every night).

It's also funny how the support you might still like or need years later has dried up as " you should be over it by now". That same timescale evaporates when applied to potentially dating. Verdict: "too soon".

A friend of my DH’s once said that. It goes instantly from “Too soon” to “stop dwelling” overnight with people.

And often it’s too soon for some while others are on the opposite stance so no matter what he did no-one was happy.

So he said he’d be as well keeping himself happy because then at least someone was.

Sorry that is really hard for you.
I have noticed that men seem to find someone else quite quickly whereas woman take long or don’t look for anyone. Quite a few men in our village lost partners and within a year were at the least seeing someone. I don’t think they loved their previous partner any less but they needed someone. Only my friend and she went back to her first love but he didn’t treat her well in the end. Her children were devastated they were adults but found it very hard to see there mum with someone else. Their dad was a wonderful man.
A man in the village was with a relative of his wife within 6weeks her just adult children don’t see him any more. Initially I thought it was someone being supportive but it is more than that. I found it difficult because his wife was so lovely.

I suppose it is difficult but I would think a year was ideal as the shortest time I guess you can’t dictate when someone meets someone new but perhaps taking it slowly is easier for the relatives to come to terms with but some would never feel like that.

You can keep her memory alive take them to places that you both knew, watch her favourite children’s films with them give them books she loved.Get other people to talk about her too. My sister and I talk to our nephews and niece about their father ( my other sister’s husband) who died suddenly at 37. The main thing is that she is good to his children.

All these non widows on this thread with there "ideal times". Fucking hell. I wouldn't wish widowhood on anyone but Jesus, an ounce of compassion or understanding would be nice.

@Elderflower14 You are a special person. I'm so sorry for your losses.

**Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

It’s quite ok to be happy again you know!!!!!!

Unless you’ve been through it you simply have no idea**

@glitterypencilcase

Sorry, didn’t realise no one else is allowed an opinion on something they’ve not experienced. Here’s me thinking it’s a public forum....

People can’t be expected to stay single forever, but a few months after the death is imo very fast! As someone that wasn’t anything to do with the two people that I described in my OP, the point it, even I was a bit ‘ooofttt that was fast’

[quote peachgreen]@Elderflower14 You are a special person. I'm so sorry for your losses.[/quote]
Thankyou 💕 💕

@notanothertakeaway

Just recently, there was a thread about people moving on after divorce. Consensus seemed to be that children shouldn't be subjected to new partners, and the parent should regroup and prioritise the children over their desire to find happiness with a new partner

I would have thought that was even more important for children whose parent died. Plenty of threads where people say their parent (usually father) moved on quickly after their mother died, and they didn't like it

But on this thread, lots of people saying that it's reasonable for OP's BIL to move on quickly and everyone, including his children, should just suck it up. I think MN can be quite unpredictable

HYPOCRITICAL. That's the word you're looking for. Not 'unpredictable.'

@littlepattilou Your post is vile. Especially your use of the word conveniently.

Hopefully you never quite understand just how disgusting it it

@peachgreen

I can’t help but feel it seems a bit like they werevt loved if someone can move on after a few months....

Absolutely fuck this, @tableflowerss. This is so fucking offensive. No matter if or when I meet someone else, I will never ever EVER stop loving my DH. It doesn't matter if it's in 6 months or 6 years or 6 decades. I will always love him with every part of me. And that's why it doesn't matter when a widow or widower moves on. Because they don't stop loving their first partner. Ever. That's like saying if you have a second child quickly you can't love your first child very much. Fucking hell.

And for the record, if I met someone else, my parents and my in-laws would be absolutely delighted to see me happy again because they love me.

Honestly I cannot believe the judgement on this thread from people who have no fucking idea what it is to be widowed.

It’s a public forum and people are allowed to share their opinions, regardless as to whether they suit you or not!

I said ‘it seems’, I didn’t say it was a ‘fact’. I felt sorry for the parents of the young woman above because I thought I bet that’s difficult for them to see him moving on just months after her death and putting it all over social media.

I really don't think the op needs to be reading this thread, it's getting nasty and she's grieving for her sister.

YANBU to feel upset, if that's how you feel then don't let anyone invalidate that. Cry if you need to.

However, my aunt lost her mother when she was in her early 20s her mum and dad had been married for 30 years. He quickly remarried and managed a second marriage of just over 30 years before dying himself. His second wife lived well into her 90s and was a wonderful lady and a fantastic grandmother to my cousins. Sometimes true love can happy twice.

A good friend of mine lost her sister very suddenly, leaving a husband and three children. He started a relationship with someone else around two years later and although my friend has now got her head round it, she struggled initially.
As she put it, he gets to move on with a new partner but she'll never get her sister back, or her mother get her daughter back.
I think you can be happy for (or at least understanding of) the partner left behind while acknowledging your own loss and the void in your life.
Sorry for your loss OP.

‘ No matter HOW quickly someone conveniently finds a new partner (after the death of their old one,) to bring a new one in to the family, less than a year after the children have lost their mother, is just cruel and thoughtless.’

No, what’s cruel is that they’ve lost their parent. But nothing will change that.
Do you think something magically changes a year in or something?
When is the timing acceptable for you?
@littlepattilou

@littlepattilou A widowed person's new partner is not a replacement parent. Nobody I meet will ever be a replacement daddy for my daughter. That's your fundamental misunderstanding. You have no idea of how OP's BIL introduced his new partner to his children. You have no idea of the role she plays in their life. Plenty of people on this thread who lost parents at a young age have explained how their parent meeting a new partner was a positive experience for them. Maybe read some of those before you say with such confidence that something is thoughtless.

@tableflowerss Well hopefully now so many of us have set you straight you'll stop spreading such offensive misinformation.

That's your judgement. It's all about what you think, which has no relevance to their lives and experiences. And you're right; it's none of your business, and that includes making judgements about how much people were loved. How dare you

@ilovesooty

I feel sorry for the family of the girl involved seeing photos of the new partner all over social media. Meet someone, you don’t need to share it with the world so soon. I found it disrespectful.

Obviously it’s a very sensitive subject and it doesn’t matter what other people think, you’re right, but the OP is upset by it so whether people like it or not, moving on so soon may provoke a negative reaction and upset some people, like the OP

it must be difficult op. My great uncle's second wife had the same name as his first. But that's how they started talking. Down the line he thought it was a nudge from the wife who had died. They were also very different women for very different needs in his life. His first wife was very warm and steady, his second so dynamic with a real love of travel. Both very lovely. I don't know if that is helpful at all. But if she was some sort of "copy" then I would see the awkwardness. Having a very different personality might help him not feel it's a betrayal (?).

@germinal I am so sorry to hear your sister died. That sounds so sudden and so recent too. And it sounds like you were close. My sister died 2 years ago and it still hurts so much sometimes I can't breathe. She also had young children (a bit older than your nephews/nieces.

Your grief must be so hard and having this change in circumstances happen so quickly. It's very very difficult to manage the flood of emotions. Have you had any counselling for your grief? I found Cruse very helpful.

[quote peachgreen]@littlepattilou A widowed person's new partner is not a replacement parent. Nobody I meet will ever be a replacement daddy for my daughter. That's your fundamental misunderstanding. You have no idea of how OP's BIL introduced his new partner to his children. You have no idea of the role she plays in their life. Plenty of people on this thread who lost parents at a young age have explained how their parent meeting a new partner was a positive experience for them. Maybe read some of those before you say with such confidence that something is thoughtless.

@tableflowerss Well hopefully now so many of us have set you straight you'll stop spreading such offensive misinformation.[/quote]

This makes me so angry. It is pathetic. Not being able to be alone is the mark of someone who is not comfortable with themselves, exactly the sort of person who should take time to get to know themselves first. Also, I’m taking it that his children are children and not Adults. Those poor children. They need their Dad to step up and be more than one parent instead they’ll probably get half a parent as his attentions are diverted and he puts emotional energy into this new woman. Adding in someone else who has no loyalty to the children will also mean they at best have uncertainly in their lives and at worst have a malignant person foisted upon them in their time of grief and formative years. Obviously I have personal experience of this and it was absolutely awful. OP, I am so sorry. All you can do is be there for the children and be a rock to them in these unnecessarily turbulent times.

Big hugs to my fellow wids here.
Ignore the arseholes. They don't get it. And their advice is meaningless. It's not worth giving them headspace. ♥️

@museumsandgalleries666

If your sister died after a long illness, then he would have had time to grieve the loss of her before she died. So although it seems he's moved on quickly, in fact he's been preparing for life without her for some time.

So sorry for your loss.

This, I'm about 10 weeks in after loosing my DH, we where married for 28 years. The thought of another relationship fills me with horror but he didn't want me to be alone. I don't think unless you've been here you understand the 'silence.' I was ready for the practical stuff, not the mundane usual stuff that we shared and suddenly don't.