Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

[germinal]

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

@LemonadeFromLemons
No, what is pathetic is someone writing this ‘ This makes me so angry. It is pathetic. Not being able to be alone is the mark of someone who is not comfortable with themselves, exactly the sort of person who should take time to get to know themselves first.’

Just because someone’s moved on after becoming widowed.
Disgraceful.

@notapizzaeater so sorry for your loss

notapizzaeater have you discovered widowed and young? Or way up if you're over 50? The peer support there really helps. I'm so sorry about your DH

@Helenia thank you. I know I shouldn't engage with such incredible ignorance and I suspect when I'm a few years in I probably won't. But to read that widowed people are "pathetic" if they move on "too fast", to see those who date widowed people branded as "vultures", to hear the in-laws of widowed people reduced to being unable to find compassion for their loved one's spouse when this is the opposite of the lived experience of most widowed people I know - God, it's just so offensive. These people have NO IDEA of the agony of losing a spouse, of how hard those of us who are parents work to protect our children. And worst if all to be accused of not loving my late DH very much if I dare to date someone else before some arbitrary time period is up when in fact I know that whenever I date again I will love DH just as much as I did when I was alive - God, it's just abhorrent.

@notapizzaeater I'm so sorry you lost your lovely husband. Please do join WAY or Way Up if you haven't already. You'll find amazing support there.

I truly believe that the only compassionate people in these situations are the other people that sadly know the pain of loss.
I’m not a widow, I’ve just lost too many family members. 😔

It's sickening peachgreen. Just keep being you. And being strong. And ignore this crap that people think is ok to post behind the safety of their keyboards. In time you'll see them for what they are. And you'll be stronger and better in yourself because of your knowledge and experience. Their opinions are not important.

@peachgreen

I’m sorry that you lost your husband. I’m sorry that my comment made you feel the way it did, that certainly was never my intention. I should have thought it through before I pressed ‘post’. I’m genuinely sorry it upset you.

It’s obviously a very emotive subject and people do have strong opinions. I wouldn’t judge anyone for wanting to find happiness after such a loss. Life is precious as you know too well, so if happiness comes someone’s way them of course they should grab it with open arms.

Again, I didn’t mean to offend you, I’m sorry xxx

I have a feeling that LemonadeFromLemons is projecting somewhat. She said in her last post that she had a negative experience as a child of parental bereavement and the other parent marrying again. Which would explain her strong reaction to this thread.

It’s reminiscent of what happens on step-parenting threads where the parents split up.

@Mittens030869

Thanks for getting it. I do have strong reactions because of this. I will say though it is not the same as parents splitting up. Having one parent is not the same as having two who do not live together. I’m not saying that is not a completely shitty and painful experience for a child of course it is but at least you increase your odds that at least one parent will put you first.

@Fieldsofstars

I truly believe that the only compassionate people in these situations are the other people that sadly know the pain of loss. I’m not a widow, I’ve just lost too many family members. 😔

I do agree with you we should have compassion but I think people on this thread are not understanding the potential psychological harm that the remaining parent not being able to be alone can potentially do to children. There also appears to be an assumption in that parents will always make decisions that promote their child’s welfare.

Yes, I’ve had an emotive reaction and shouldn’t have called it pathetic. This is a little slice of the experience I had and why I think it’s so important to be able to be alone...

My sister and I were 12 and 14 when my mum died. What did my dad do? Did he step up as a parent, no, he put his own emotional needs first and started to date a woman (less than two months after my mum died) who promised dating her would be like a rollercoaster ride. When he kept leaving me and my sister at our remote country house to visit her for child free weekends I dared to voice my opinion about it. After he spoke on the phone to her about this and she said that she couldn’t be with someone who had kids if they were going to dictate such things he chased me around the house calling me an evil witch. I want to highlight what it’s like to be a child and not be protected by the one adult you have left.

I do understand that it must be absolutely awful to lose your partner and even more so the mother of your young children but as an adult you should not be putting yourself first and yes I judge people who just can’t be alone. In my experience if you’re not able to introspect and be comfortable with yourself you’re highly likely to make poor relationship decisions just to be with anyone.

@LemonadeFromLemons You had an abusive and neglectful father.

That’s going to be nowhere near the experience of the majority of children.

Thank you @TableFlowerss, I really appreciate that a lot. I do understand why you feel the way you do but hopefully I managed to explain, somewhat incoherently, that the love I have for my late DH will never, ever change, no matter if or when I meet someone else, and the timescales for that happening are no reflection on my feelings for him. And the same is true of other widowed people.

@lemonfromlemons I'm so sorry you had such a horrendous experience. That is absolutely awful. I hope to God the majority of parents of bereaved children would never behave in such a disgusting way. But that doesn't negate the fact that it happened to you.

@peachgreen @Erkrie - I've 'introduced' myself on Way up (I'm 53) but not ventured into the site much.

@LemonadeFromLemons your father sounds weak - most parents would always always put there children first !

@JustLyra
@peachgreen

Thank you. I really hope you are both right. I’m sure I do have a very jaded attitude towards men in general. Reading threads on MN about men leaving everything to their partners and believing housework and child rearing are women’s work doesn’t exactly help (I.e. men just generally being selfish). And of course I know it’s not all men but it’s so many of them seemingly :-/

@peachgreen

Thank you *@TableFlowerss*, I really appreciate that a lot. I do understand why you feel the way you do but hopefully I managed to explain, somewhat incoherently, that the love I have for my late DH will never, ever change, no matter if or when I meet someone else, and the timescales for that happening are no reflection on my feelings for him. And the same is true of other widowed people.

Yeah I absolutely hear what your saying. It’s such an awful situation for someone to find themselves in.

I was at work recently and a lady came in who had only lost her DH a couple of weeks earlier. It was a complete shock as he died at 36. I was helping her sort out some paper work etc and she was telling me how difficult it is and that she was getting letters asking for payments for several things.

When she left I was almost crying because I thought that poor lady has got so much to deal with and I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I think about her now and wonder if she’s still got the support now it’s been a few weeks. So sad

i still stand by what i said that my dad moved on too quick -he hasnt even sorted out all mums paperwork before he'd moved on

Firstly, my sincere thoughts and condolences out to those who have been widowed; I’m just going through this at the moment after my DW sadly passed away recently after a long illness over 4 years, we have 2 young DC. I can’t imagine even thinking about another relationship right now, it’s nowhere on the radar, our DC and their well-being are absolutely my priority. Building a now sadly different but positive life for them is the focus.

However previous posters are absolutely right, unless you’ve been through it, there is nothing to compare it against. All the what ifs and ‘I would do this’ are meaningless and the emptiness and void in your life which you did not choose is so hard. That person can never be replaced, they are your DC’s parent, that cannot and will not change. That person is no longer there, you can never have those discussions, hopes, share in the joy of your children again. It’s frankly insulting to compare a relationship breakup or divorce to being widowed.

To the OP, I have no real advice, I personally would not do as your BIL is, but I think keeping those channels open with your nieces and nephews is the main thing to concentrate on. I wish you all the best.

My Mum died after 35 years of marriage to my Dad. About a year later he started a new relationship and is now married to the same woman. I was happy that he was happy again, and that I didn't have to worry about him being alone on a Saturday night, or who he would holiday with. I also know that my Mum would have been happy that he wasn't alone and that I wouldn't have to worry about him. My Aunt (mum's sister) really struggled with this and was not very welcoming to my Dad's new wife, and I still have massive amounts of anger towards my aunt still 10 years on. My mum would never have agreed with her behaviour.

Men often get into new relationships more quickly, especially if they have come from happy relationships, and although it may feel weird/wrong this does not have any reflection on his feelings towards your sister.

My advice for you would be to speak to a professional therapist about this, as I am sure your sister would not want your relationship with you BIL jeopardised as it would be detrimental to her children.

I'm also sorry for your loss, as I cannot imagine the pain of losing a sibling.

@germinal

I suppose the pain stems from his new girlfriend being completely opposite to my sister. And my sister made me promise I would keep her memory alive for the kids, I feel like I can not honour that promise with this woman now such a big presence in their life

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. But she’s never going to replace their mum, she’ll just be someone extra who loves them. And I second all the PPs. It tends to be people who had happy, secure, loving marriages who get together with someone else “quickly”. While she may be the opposite of your sister she isn’t erasing her in any way.

Oh gosh I completely empathise with how you're feeling. I have to say though, my male friend lost his very much loved and adored wife just after they had their first child together - they were teenage sweethearts and had been together for more than a decade. Their child was less than a year old when they realised she was terminal and just over a year when she died. 9 months after she died, he had started dating and we were all very very shocked. No one knew though, how much pain he was in and his new relationship suffered massively behind closed doors. What I would say is nearly 2 years later he is still dating but he is going to therapy and has paid £££ to try to come to terms mentally with what he has been through and is still going through. He is currently in a happy relationship but will still openly say no one will ever compare to his late wife. So at a distance, you'd think he's moved on too soon and you'd think of him as cold etc but in reality he is still struggling so so so much more than you will ever know. It's a very difficult situation. A sister / mum / daughter is impossible to replace and can never be replaced. BUT in reality you would hope he is able to eventually find happiness.

stuffnthings

Germinal I'm really sorry for your loss .

I actually thought you were talking about my SIL for a minute until I saw that your lovely sister had 4 young children. My SIL passed away 20 months ago - also from cancer, and it was very quick really, just about 12 weeks. My Db started seeing an ExGf very soon (a maximum of 4 months) after SIL passed away but lied about it to my face. When it was confirmed to me, I was very very angry, as I felt it was totally disrespectful on my Db's part, and almost as bad on the new Gf's as she had been friends with SIL years before. I'm afraid I don't want to know about any of it, and Db doesn't really say much about her to me. I truly understand your anger, but I don't know what the answer is. I do hope you find peace with it though.

@Helenia

stuffnthings

Thank you