Page 16 | Brother in law’s new partner after sisters death

germinal · 2021-04-04T04:55:35+00:00

My sister died less than 9 months ago. My brother in law has a new partner who he has been seeing for at least 4 months. My nieces and nephews (his kids) know her now, she stays over. She’s the opposite of my sister but she shares her first name. I can’t stop crying

Siepie · 05/04/2021 01:31

My uncle died when his DC were similar age to your nieces/nephews. My aunt got engaged to a family friend less than a year later. A year after that, they were married and had a child together.

My DM (uncle's sister) was devastated. There was a lot of whispering among all the adults in the family - I was about 14 so not privvy to all the details, but "those poor children!" was a common theme.

A decade or so later, my cousins still love and remember their dad. There are still photos of him in the house. Their mum still talks about him, as do relatives. They also love their stepdad and half-siblings.

I can't even imagine the pain of losing a parent when you're still a child, or of losing a spouse or sibling. I'm so sorry for your loss. I just want to reassure you that it doesn't mean that the DC will stop loving your sister, or that her memory will be lost.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/04/2021 05:48

I am so sorry for your loss!
I too lost a sibling recently, leaving my young nieces /nephew. Empathise completely that it hurts like hell!

Have you come across Julia sameuels talk on sibling grief? I recommend it, if you haven't!

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/04/2021 07:59

@rangersfc no one will ever compare to his late wife is not helpful for him or anyone else to think. There is no need for comparison - I have no duty to be anything like my DP's late wife. I don't want to be, I don't need to be, he doesn't compare me with her. I'm so glad that his friends like me for myself.

NaughtyNell · 05/04/2021 08:23

I lost my husband of 30byears in 2017 very suddenly out if the blue. I started speaking to an old flame a year after his death then we met up after 6 months and have been seeing each other since.

People are different, I do sometimes think though in my case it was convenient because it distracted my mind from grief and to block true emotions

Male widowers seem to get into new relationships earlier than women in my experience. I understand how hurtful it must feel for you, could be the same, its a distraction as I said.

Doesn't mean he didn't love your sister, it fills the void so to speak

Sorry for your loss x

rangersfc · 05/04/2021 09:06

[quote BatshitCrazyWoman]**@rangersfc* no one will ever compare to his late wife* is not helpful for him or anyone else to think. There is no need for comparison - I have no duty to be anything like my DP's late wife. I don't want to be, I don't need to be, he doesn't compare me with her. I'm so glad that his friends like me for myself.[/quote]
I completely agree and he knows that himself too. I mentioned that to highlight how much he really isn't ready to be in a new relationship when he is having those thoughts

ancientgran · 05/04/2021 10:10

@Candleabra

Are all widows/widowers meant to sit at home shrouded in black for the rest of time alone and sad?

This is a common sentiment. As a fellow widow said to me: I can't help but think that people don't want me to be happy.

I have a lot of descriptions applied to my behaviour: brave, strong, capable etc. Not one includes happiness. It feels I must behave appropriately according to other people's idea of a widow (looking after the children, providing a good life for them, whilst tragically crying myself to sleep every night).

It's also funny how the support you might still like or need years later has dried up as " you should be over it by now". That same timescale evaporates when applied to potentially dating. Verdict: "too soon".

I do think widows/widowers must get sick of it all.

I was sitting in a tea garden nearly 2 years ago. My friend went to get drinks and cakes and I was just sitting there and couldn't help overhearing people at the next table. A group of half a dozen women in their 60s 70s and they went on and on about how sorry they were for the recently widowed one. Telling her what she should do, telling her how life would never be the same, on and on. I suppose they were being sympathetic but honestly if I'd been her I'd have wanted to shoot myself.

Initially she was thanking people but she went quiet and I could see she was probably feeling how I would. Suddenly she said, "It isn't all bad." Stunned silence. She went on, "If I don't want to cook I don't have to, if I fancy a boiled egg for dinner it is OK." Stunned silence continued for a while and then a more normal conversation started.

I liked her style.

NaughtyNell · 05/04/2021 10:25

People really have no idea unless it's happened to them. You really don't know whats round the corner. My husband was alive in the morning and dead by 2pm the same day. I was 48 Two children 15 and 19 to deal with, funeral arrangements, finances etc etc, pushing your own grief onto the backburner to to concentrate on your children. My son still has counselling nearly four years on. Its devastating .

Original poster

germinal · 05/04/2021 10:42

I just want to say that I didn’t mean to come across as judgemental. I don’t care that he is seeing someone else. I don’t feel in a position to judge that. It’s none of my business.

It’s that I find it all so so painful. And lonely.

Every one saying “you don’t know until you’ve been through it”. Well I am going through it. I think I loved my sister more than my bil. I think I miss her more. And I find being forced to interact with someone new an affront to my very real grief.

Every day some well meaning person asks me how my bil is coping. And no one ever asks me how I am coping.

I’m angry and I’m in so much pain. I wish I could replace her so easily

OP posts:

KarmaStar · 05/04/2021 10:42

so sorry for your loss,I do understand how you feel and no words will help ease the pain.
All I can say is don't rock the boat whilst emotions are raw.be polite and cordial and see how things own out,she might stay and things settle or they may part .
Your sisters memory will always be alive and living within you all.

Helenia · 05/04/2021 10:43

I truly understand your anger, I don't know what the answer is.

The answer is to go and get counselling to manage your grief, rather than expect others to live in a manner that you think is appropriate for a widow, according to some standard that you have set.

Helenia · 05/04/2021 10:44

NaughtyNell

Sillyduckseverywhere · 05/04/2021 10:56

@peachgreen

All these non widows on this thread with there "ideal times". Fucking hell. I wouldn't wish widowhood on anyone but Jesus, an ounce of compassion or understanding would be nice.

Exactly this. Like I said before, all the faux concern and offers of a shoulder to cry on dry up once they are in the fucking ground.

BatleyTownswomensGuild · 05/04/2021 11:06

It seems to be quite common that men ‘seem’ to move on quite quickly when actually they really can’t bare the void of not having their partner around.

Absolutely this. I know of so many men that just can't cope with the loss so look to distract themselves with another relationship.

It must be so hard for you, OP. But I don't think the actions show a lack of love for your sister....

Thecatonthemat · 05/04/2021 11:15

I felt like that at first in similar circumstances but not family. But was told that once you have seen how short life can be ,you want to live the rest of it as well as you can, with as much joy and happiness as previous relationship. However I did say this to someone although we all thought it was not so good. Turned out to be an abusive relationship which took some time to get out of. Widower with friend.

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 11:22

@Helenia

I truly understand your anger, I don't know what the answer is.

The answer is to go and get counselling to manage your grief, rather than expect others to live in a manner that you think is appropriate for a widow, according to some standard that you have set.

I don't believe anyone experiencing grief requires counselling for a loss of less than 9 months. All the emotions the OP is feeling are entirely natural. She might benefit from talking to someone but there isn't a way to fast forward through her grief.

OP if you sister had said to you "I hope dh finds someone new quickly, it will be better for the children" would that have made it easier? Because it's entirely possible she felt that way.

Helenia · 05/04/2021 11:31

She might benefit from talking to someone but there isn't a way to fast forward through her grief

I didn't say there's a fast forward through grief. Obviously there isnt.

However counselling is helpful when there is anger directed at another person for how they are conducting their lives. We need to own our own feelings and deal with that, not seek to blame others for living their lives in the way that's best for them.

Original poster

germinal · 05/04/2021 11:35

My private and gentle sister would have been so disappointed by it all.

By his choice of new girlfriend
By the speed he has had her staying over and being with the kids
By the way he has taken her out in our smallish town so every neighbour and school
Mum is gossiping about it
By the way he ignores the kids very clear signals they are not ready
By his pathetic need to satisfy some dumb idea about having a partner, that includes dragging her around to meet everyone he has ever sneezed near

It’s the ostentatious way he is going about it. He has four little souls to take care of. Maybe keep your private life private for a while?!? It’s unseemly and gross and it would have pained her so much to see it.

OP posts:

Mistressinthetulips · 05/04/2021 11:37

Helenia I don't think she'd be so bothered how he lived his life if there were not also small children in the picture.
Hopefully this relationship will turn out to be best for them too and she will be a loving female figure in their lives.

BungleandGeorge · 05/04/2021 11:38

Every day some well meaning person asks me how my bil is coping. And no one ever asks me how I am coping.

If you ask someone how they are, invariably they get upset. Some people don’t want to put you on the spot, quite honestly some people don’t want to deal with you being sad either. They don’t think of the message they’re sending that you’re not grieving, that you should be supporting others, that you don’t matter. It would be so much kinder to phrase it ‘how are you all coping’ if they don’t want the direct approach but people don’t think. At least they are trying, better than the ones who just disappear.

Original poster

germinal · 05/04/2021 11:39

I’m just venting
I don’t need advice really. All your advice is correct and good. I’m so mad and I can’t say it in RL

Thanks so much for letting me vent.

So much love and strength to everyone who has lost someone and I am so sorry if my anger has come across as judgement on anyone’s decisions... everyone has a right to pursue happiness xx

OP posts:

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/04/2021 11:40

@germinal

I just want to say that I didn’t mean to come across as judgemental. I don’t care that he is seeing someone else. I don’t feel in a position to judge that. It’s none of my business.

It’s that I find it all so so painful. And lonely.

Every one saying “you don’t know until you’ve been through it”. Well I am going through it. I think I loved my sister more than my bil. I think I miss her more. And I find being forced to interact with someone new an affront to my very real grief.

Every day some well meaning person asks me how my bil is coping. And no one ever asks me how I am coping.

I’m angry and I’m in so much pain. I wish I could replace her so easily

OP you cannot know you loved your sister more than your BIL. That's an outrageous comment, although I'm sure it's your grief talking. Perhaps someone neutral to talk to about this would help

Rewis · 05/04/2021 11:41

There are two conversations going on at the same time.

is he moving on too soon? What is too soon?
is he involving the new gf too soon with his kids and wife's family?

JustLyra · 05/04/2021 11:43

I think I loved my sister more than my bil. I think I miss her more. And I find being forced to interact with someone new an affront to my very real grief

Perhaps you should think of speaking to someone professional.

If your brother-in-law, or nieces and nephews, pick up on the fact you don’t believe your BIL had grief or that he has “replaced” your sister then your relationship will likely will be very badly damaged as they are extremely offensive suggestions.

multiplemum3 · 05/04/2021 11:46

As much as I feel for you, youre turning it into a competition of who loved her more which is odd. I hope you never voice these things to him because you'll be pushing yourself out of their lives.

Helenia · 05/04/2021 11:51

Helenia I don't think she'd be so bothered how he lived his life if there were not also small children in the picture

Yes. His children. Her nieces and nephews. But his children. And with that comes the stream of judgment from others of when it is acceptable for him to enter a new relationship, but on their terms, their times scales, not what's right for him or what he considers right for his family.