Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

@SpaceshiptoMars

As stepmothers we are 'required to love our stepchildren as if we had given birth to them and raised them from infancy'. In return for that, decades later, our reward is "to be accepted in small doses".

Anyone see a problem with that?

I know quite a few stepmothers. Not one of them would claim to love their stepchildren as if they had given birth to them, or to think they were supposed to feel that. The most obviously successful situations seem to be where the stepmother takes a fairly hands-off role and leaves the parental gruntwork to the parents.

OP

I think you are reading far more into this than there actually is. If you look at the facts, which from what I understand (please correct if I’ve picked it up imcorrectly) are that a photo of you, your DH and your DH’s grandchild (your step-grandchild) was sent to a “family” WhatsApp group which consists of your DH and his 3 children only and your step-children commented on how nice it was to see your DH with his grandchild but did not mention you. You have taken umbrage at this omission, which you have taken to mean that you are an irrelevance and plan to distance yourself from your relationships with your step-children. Honestly, and I don’t mean this unkindly OP, but I have to agree with a previous poster- there is either something more to this, or you are potentially self-sabotaging your relationship with your step-children and this grandchild (and any others).

Surely the most likely situation is that you are not in the group, so they might not have thought to mention you for that reason and that reason only, rather than it being a deliberate slight; or the other possibility of that because their primary relationship is with their father, maybe they did see the visit as mainly a chance for grandfather and grandchild to meet. But, the parents of the baby were more than happy for you to be there/involved and for that to continue in the future, but your DSD and her siblings commented on the meeting of grandfather and grandson because that was, as they saw it, the main purpose/main relationship. They aren’t unhappy you are involved, they don’t see you as irrelevant but just not as important as their father.

I know quite a few stepmothers. Not one of them would claim to love their stepchildren as if they had given birth to them, or to think they were supposed to feel that. The most obviously successful situations seem to be where the stepmother takes a fairly hands-off role and leaves the parental gruntwork to the parents.

@NinthCircle - I'm being slightly tongue in cheek here, but I have had this said to my face by members of the family. It also seems to be a ongoing meme on this site!

www.mumsnet.com/uploads/talk/202101/large-355619-instagram-women-s-motivation-iq0218kh-pntr.jpg

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4135986-Evil-Stepmum-s-Greetings-Card-Collection?pg=3

Hi op.. You seem like a lovely person. But I think you are expecting too much. When all is said and done, these aren't your children.. And they don't have to accept you as family. From what I can see they've accepted that you're dad's wife and they have a reasonably good relationship with you.. I don't know why you'd want to push it and make it something that it isn't and is clearly not natural for them to treat you as "grandma" I know this sounds harsh but I would just be grateful they don't hate you and aren't making your life hell. There are some absolutely horrific threads on the step parenting board.. I think you have it pretty good. There's no reason to feel indifference because you're dad's wife and not their step mum. Try to focus on the good things and not trying to fix something that isn't broken.

I think it’s like anything you accept going into a relationship- you do it for your other half, to make them happy (if you want to). My friend’s husband is a policeman, she has put up with a lot of crap over the years - being left to do a lot on her own as he worked mad shifts, even had death threats from disgruntled people through his work, had to move across country too. She doesn’t HAVE to accept these things, she’s with him and it’s part of his life - she certainly won’t be getting a carriage clock when he retires like he will 😂 The thing is, you could say that’s thankless, but the appreciation comes from her husband. Being with a man with kids is something you have to put effort into (if you want to) and you do it for him, not because you’ll be loved by the kids. For them, it’s neither a family relationship nor a friendship they’ve chosen for them self. You’ll always just be there trying with them because of your relationship with their dad - not really for them. You wouldn’t even know them otherwise.

@billy1966... pretty much is. Thankless. Ahh well.

@Zanina... you know, I couldn’t have tried harder.

You really are making a mountain out of a molehill. Dad and DC have a whatsapp group. DC commented that it was lovely to finally see Dad.

Why on earth would you be mentioned? You're not in the group!

@ismiseeire... there’s only two of us in the photo. And the child. Unkind. That’s the point.

@jacks11. I take your point but have you read many of the replies on here? They’re telling me to back off. How dare I”feel entitled to being a grandma”. It’s not your grandchild.

Make the effort! Back off! Be there. Don’t be there! It’s such a minefield!

Lord, there's no talking to you. You're determined to take offence, so off with you.

I also think you are completely over-reacting to this. You seem determined to read it that you don't mean anything to anyone, blah blah, but in fact, this was a chat which you aren't even on, so of course they referred to the one person who is in the chat, the dad!

I also think you are over reacting to people's comments and picking up the negative ones. I'm very fond of my dad's wife and would always, if she was there, thank them both for coming, but if i was in a chat with him on my own as I often am (as he's my dad), I would talk directly to him about any visit, just as in this situation. It wouldn't be a slight on my dad's very nice wife.

I think you can't make situations which aren't there, but if people seem welcoming, happy to see you, happy to call you granny or whatever, why do those actions not count.

If you honestly will feel better a bit backed off, back off, but there's nothing here that suggest you need to do that, and lots of the opposite. I think you just feel foolish as you were really excited about the baby and all those old feelings of hurt were flooding back after all these years. I would try to get past that as this isn't about the present at all.

OP - am I right in thinking you do not have any step parents yourself? Whatever age it happens, when your parent turns up with someone as their new partner it is never easy. This stranger arrives, they sit at the table in the spot your own parent should be sitting in and it's a miserable thing. And the more the step parent tries to force the relationship, the worse it usually goes. It sounds to me like your step kids actually treat you pretty well, but you want more and are looking for excuses to be offended.
Lots of people are recommending you back off, some of them almost suggesting it as if it were a punishment. But I can tell that if my own step mum backed off, I would be delighted not feel punished.
This is a fight you can't win - you can't force then to treat you as they would their own parent.
Let your DH have his own relationship with them - there's no need to insert yourself into his family.

You're expecting them to feel the same about you as they do about their dad. That's totally unrealistic. They love their dad. They have decades of history and a father and offspring bond. Of course it was him they were excited to see.

They've accepted you after a rocky start, and they probably even like you. But anything they feel is going to be a fraction of what they feel for their dad. It's absolutely natural for them to look at a photo of you both but focus on their dad.

I can't believe that after such a difficult start, just as they accept you and invite you to a family get together, you're determined to destroy that because one of them passed the comment that it was lovely to see their dad again.

I don’t think you sound hard work at all! I think you have made a huge effort over the years and after several good, relaxed years you began to feel accepted. How easy would it be to say ‘ lovely to see this photo of baby with both of you’? Just once?
Step parents always get a pounding on here, whatever they do. As do mothers in law, most of the time. And not long back there was a thread where mothers who had a loving relationship with their adult children were described as demanding and manipulative for having the temerity to expect to attend their child’s wedding.

Op, know this.
I see you.
I see you, and all the other step mother's that have hugely sacrificed their good years in huge error.
Being a stepmother to children that didn't want a step mother, just a father to step the fxxk up is so truly awful.

No excuse.

Wishing you well OP.

Bily1966 - can you please explain what you mean? Genuinely interested to hear your side of the story.

Being a stepmother to children that didn't want a step mother, just a father to step the fxxk up is so truly awful.

She is not a stepmother and never has been. The daughter was an adult when the OP arrived on the scene. She's just Dad's girlfriend. She was never a mother to them.

[quote RewriteHistory]@ismiseeire do you know her personally?[/quote]
The child was 19 when the OP came on the scene. At no point will she ever be a mother. She is simply Dad's girlfriend. You might get on well as friends, but you're not a mother when you've met a 'child' at 19 when she is already an adult.

You can have a close friendship. Talk about nails/hair/nappy rash/sleep deprivation. You can plan days out, you can offer to take her baby to babysit (your offer will be snatched with both arms probably). You can be Grandpa and Hera! The little grandson will have known you all his life. He won't distinguish between blood relatives and not. But she already has her Mum. The OP has a ds. You can be a vital support to her and your new step grandchild. Or you can feel hurt and self-destruct. Really, it was just comments made between a Dad and daughter. It was nothing negative against you. It would have been strange to mention you in fact. I'd hate to be spoken about behind my back.

It doesn't sound like your step-daughter has excluded you. You were at the event. An exclusive event given the limited numbers and you were still invited. You'll never be her mother, but you will be all your little step grandchild knows.

Your step daughter is lucky to have both a Mum and Dad's girlfriend who care very much about her and her welfare. If Mum isn't answering the phone at 3am while she's considering calling an ambulance because the baby won't sleep, she might well rely on you. She's a new Mum. Don't make it hard on her. Be there for her. You know how hard being a new Mum is.

Just DO NOT FEED THE BABY ICECREAM AND listen to what Mum (step dd) says with regards to her new baby.