Am I NEVER going to be accepted fully?

[HeraInTheHereAndNow]

I posted a lot on here, years ago.

I married a man who’d been divorced 5 years. His wife had left him. He had three teenagers. I had one child who was 9 when we married. I relocated with my child two weeks before the marriage. We never lived together as we had 150 miles between us so, it was all done in one fell swoop.

DH’s teen son (18) wouldn’t acknowledge me but then, he’d stopped talking to his dad when dad started to move on from the marriage. His eldest daughter was lovely and welcoming (19). Youngest (14) was hard work but, I did understand it was hard for the and hoped it’d get better. It did until youngest refused contact for 5 yrs which was painful and shattering. Nearly split up DH and I.

One day, we all just started to “get on”. Even his youngest DD returned and we’ve had a few years of contact which has been just easy and lovely.

Now, eldest dd has had our first grandchild. Wonderful. Thanks to lockdown, we’ve only seen him 3 times in 9 months. We saw them, first opportunity, on Wednesday this week. We met up half way. Lovely day. Open air picnic. Photos. Great day.

In the evening, DSD sent us her photos. We sent them ours.

Then, DH showed me a photo shared on his and his kids What’s App. I’m not media savvy. It’s their own thing, separate from me. It’s fine. The photos he showed me from the WhatsApp, had comments about the people featured; everyone but me. Like, I’m STILL not included/the invisible woman.

I’m not sure why, but it’s really upset me. Now, 16 yrs into our marriage, I’m still not “part of it”. It was lovely that DSD shared the photos in the family “shared album” but the private one, between themselves? ... I didn’t exist.

Am I being silly?

To add to my previous comment.

I have a step dad and step mum. I and my children are FAR closer to my step dad. I met both of them as an adult in my early twenties (it's now 20 years later).

What's the difference? Two main things, my mum carved out time for just me and her and my stepdad was absolutely fine with that (even on zoom during the pandemic he says hello for 20 mins and then shuffles off, leaving my mum and I to our wonderful idle chatter). My step mum, on the other hand, follows my dad and I from room to room if we are having a conversation.

But the main thing is that since I had children 8 years ago, my stepdad treats them as his grandchildren and he does things with them, looks after them, plays with them, entertains them. I can't know how he feels inside but I couldn't ask for a better grandad. THAT built my bond with him. My kids love him dearly and love seeing him. For that, I am grateful and truly see him as grandad (but not my dad as he isn't). He is, however, extremely important in their and therefore, my life.

Does that make sense OP? Do not back off or you will not have that and I have to say, I genuinely believe he enjoys their company and loves them. I have a picture of him holding my son when he was really little and it is precious. BUT it became precious because of the relationship HE BUILT in the years that came after.

Well, the truth is that I don’t think about how she is. I don’t care how she is. I’m glad she makes my DF (a widower) happy, but I’d be perfectly fine never to see or hear of her again. I don’t actively dislike her, I am polite in person, but she’s irrelevant

When my first DC was born, I would’ve liked to see my DF on my own, but no, she was there (like always), wittering away about this that and the next thing. I politely tolerate her in person. She should have encouraged my DF to visit me alone, even if he said she should come too

This makes sense to me and I will back away. It’s sad but so many posters on here have said that there isn’t so much “dislike” as indifference and disinterest. It seems, even after all of this time, I am basically, wasting my time. I’m pretty sure, reading all of these replies, that if anything were to happen to DH, they’d never see me again.

I am finished with trying. Like some of the stepchildren/adults, I will “be polite” and “make the right noises” and beyond that, nothing.

@dontdisturbmenow... sorry, but you’ve not understood. This daughter has never, ever lost contact with her father.

I’ve said, til I’m pretty tired of saying it, that I have always encouraged DH to see “his” independently of me. He needs it. They need it.

I wasn’t there, “wittering away”. Imagine I’d said “well, they’re your kids, you go”. Or not reminded DH to buy gifts (which I went out and bought) and had then sat, at a distance and not really engaged because I’m NOT their real Mum etc etc. That would have gone done well, wouldn’t it? I’d have been crucified on here for it, too.

Some people get it. It’s the fact two people were in a photo and one was not referred to and it was expressed how happy baby was, to see one of them. The App group itself, is only 4 adults two of whom had previously gone out of their way to ignore me. I could literally speak to them, and they’d get up and leave the room, when I first married their dad. They liked me as a girlfriend but I don’t think dad was EVER meant to marry me. It got to the stage where, if DH brought me a small bunch of flowers from a garage forecourt, I’d whisk them away to a vase before his daughter saw them and it caused a stand off. So yes, all these years later and considering two of them are now in their 30’s and one not far off, I guess I’m disappointed that it was only great to see DH.

Years ago, I nearly married a chap who had a child. In the end I didn’t because I was young and certainly not capable of being a “mum”. How sad then, that all these years later, I married a man who has kids to whom I am (according to many on this thread) irrelevant and in the way.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow are you happy in your marriage? Because you sound as though you are - that’s why you married him, for him. His kids are his kids. You try with them for love of him but you cannot expect his kids to love you. I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear but you can be happy with your DH and be happy FOR HIM about his children/ grandchildren... but you cannot expect people to develop feelings for you because you married their dad.

@RewriteHistory... yes, absolutely. He and I. It’s how we were brought up. And, no one left out. All welcome. I say this as someone who grew up in an adopted situation and I’d rather not have an occasion than make a person feel they were invited out of duty and “tolerated”.

Manners and morals and kindness. Yes, me and DH, all the way. I’m proud of that, especially considering my own personal experiences in life.

@Sammiesnake... I do not expect/demand they “love me”. I hope and think, they like me. That’ll do. And yes, very very happy with DH. A good man.

[quote HeraInTheHereAndNow]@HunkyPunk

You expressed it in the way I ought to have done. This is it, in a nutshell. Two adults in a photo of an small event. Only one mentioned. Thank you. 😊

So, op, all you're saying is, that a comment on a group chat about a photo you were in, regardless of whether you were likely to see it or not, had it read 'lovely to see Grandpa and Hera' rather than just 'lovely to see Grandpa', would have been a sign of inclusion and acceptance. Yes, it would. It's just plain good manners, whatever the context, and you should expect nothing less. Inevitably if you say 'nice to see' one person of a couple and not the other, the implication is that it was not nice to see the other person. Even if that wasn't meant, it's just thoughtless and rude.[/quote]
But no one on that chat is thinking ‘must be nice to Hera, must make her feel included’, because you’ve been around for a long time, and aren’t some new arrival whose sensibilities need to be tiptoed around. And presumably they don’t think their father needs to be reassured about you, either.

I’m just trying to reimagine this in the context of our family WhatsApp, in terms of someone in a photo but not in the WhatsApp group being mentioned, and, honestly, it would only be if it was the new girlfriend or boyfriend of a sibling, who might be expected to wonder if we’d liked X or Y. You’re not in that position, OP. In fact, I’d suggest the not mentioning is actually a sign of inclusion.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow that’s what I mean, they clearly were nice to you when they saw you - they just don’t have that strong love for you like they do their father and don’t think of you in the same way. Think of it another way around. My husband for example, I chose him and we love each other but my dad didn’t choose him. He’s polite to him of course but if we split up, he wouldn’t see him again! When they’ve visited us, my dad will message me to say he loved seeing me. Not because he didn’t like seeing my husband, but because I’m reality he comes all this way to see ME! Can you understand that? You and your husband love each other and have a good marriage, you can be happy in that and be happy for him with his kids without feeling upset that they don’t see you as more than that. It’s not a slight.

This is the sort of shit my batshit step mother in law pulls, drama, making it all about her, seeing imagined slights when there aren't any. She also changes the goalposts constantly on things like cards and presents. Whenever my husband, his sibling and his dad talk shop (they all work in a similar industry) she's absolutely fucking obnoxious about their shared interests.

We are very low contact.

[quote Sammiesnake]@HunkyPunk but it was in a private chat though? They didn’t say to their faces “it was nice to see Grandpa” and leave her out. They told him directly it was nice to see him. What if they just feel indifferent towards her and didn’t enjoy seeing her?? They have been perfectly polite to her and then let their dad know via a private message it was nice to see him. What’s the issue here really? Are they not allowed to feel live for their dad in a way they don’t towards his partner? It’s their feelings, they haven’t been rude to her and they feel how they feel about her.[/quote]
It was a private chat which included op's dh, though. Op and her dh are a couple. Isn't it likely that he might want to show op a nice photo from the event that they were both at and which showed both of them in the photo? It wasn't a photo just with 'grandpa' in. It's a convention to refer to both partners of a couple. Not to do so kind of illustrates op's point and indicates a lack of inclusion. You might say that's up to them, but don't try to invalidate op's natural reaction to that. It was hurtful, and jarred with op's dh, too.

@HunkyPunk no it isn’t a convention to refer to two members of a couple always when you’re in a conversation with only one member of that couple. Especially where you’re closest to one of them. If my sister sent me a photo with her and her husband holding my child, I would comment on her for sure. I don’t like or dislike her husband particularly, he’s largely irrelevant to my life but I’m happy for her to have him. I don’t bring him into our private conversations unless she does really

😊 @Sammiesnake... good analogy.

@HeraInTheHereAndNow I hope you manage to reframe it in your head because that will make you feel at peace. Families are all complex in different ways. We can love various people within them differently but that shouldn’t bring you upset - that way lies madness! Enjoy your relationship with your stepfamily for what it is, for the face value joy it brings you to be around the little ones as they grow up. Don’t analyse your worth to them, just enjoy what you can. A happy marriage is worth a lot, you’re lucky.

Its all about our reactions.

The closest I have been to this situation is this. I had a long term boyfriend for three years, he had a young child from a previous relationship. A boy.

He came to stay with us every week. I was very kind to him, but I did not think i was his parent. I respected what he wanted. I respected how involved he wanted to be with me or not. I was always kind to him. But if he had told me he didnt want to see me again when he was older, I would have been fine with it. In fact, it would have made things easier for me. I wouldnt expect him to love me. I let him lead the way in what he wanted to do : It can be very confusing to be a stepchild. I know that, having been one.

@Sarahtrue... you’re right, of course.

Years ago, when we were newly married, DH could see it was upsetting but we just went along with things. I knew I couldn’t make them engage with me. DH was saddened that at a basic good manners level, his youngest daughter would not look at me or if I spoke to her she’d answer via her dad, or not at all. She was a moody teen but even moody teens know what’s the decent way to behave.

Sadly for them, even if they don’t wish me to “be there”, I am. Which is why I’ve always emphasised to DH the absolute need for him to see them on his own separately and collectively.

i think realistically you are irrelevant to them. they clearly accept that you are important to their dad, but if I look around me and my friends - lots of their parents re-married in later life and honestly no they dont really care about the 'new' partner. they only ever refer to seeing their parent i.e. am going to see mum/dad.....never to dad and.... or mum and.....

So in this respect - it seems really common. I appreciate that it might make you feel a bit miffed but honestly that just seems standard practice.

@threelittlebears87... I’m sure you’re right. I don’t think I need to worry too much then. I am genuinely excited that there’s “a” grandchild in the family. He’s not mine, I see. He’s DH’s.

Still, a gorgeous boy! 🥰

@HeraInTheHereAndNow - honestly, am sorry if it upset you. my comment was only looking around me and listening to my friends - we are all in our 40s so with kids etc. this was not a judgement on how you should be treated. however, the one thing that does seem to change things is having a close relationship with your DG. Not overstepping - but thats always a minefield for GPs anyway...but having a bond. For the kids - you are family as they dont know any different and perhaps in time their parents will also come to see you in more familial terms. So if you want you guys to get closer then yes, do engage the grandkids, buy them gifts, look after them, offer to take them to place together with your husband.

but please dont take it personally. you have made lots of effort and they have come to accept you. however, your role is as their father's partner....thats it. in that sense you have achieved your goal

OP,

You sound like such a lovely woman who has tried so hard over the years.

Step parenting sounds like the hardest most thankless job.

Your relationship with them appears peaceful which is great.

I really think you need to pull back and stop trying so hard.

'Try hards' inevitably get disrespected IME, as if they are desperate for acceptance.

I would step back completely and leave them to it.
Leave your husband do the wife work jobs re gifts etc.

Focus on your life and let your husband off to see his grandchild on his own.

I think at least you might recover some self respect which would be at least healthy.

Trying hard and it not be reciprocated is not good for your soul.

Focus on yourself and your child and your family and leave them off.

Expect NOTHING and you won't be disappointed.

I have experience in this kind of family setup too and I'd say you've managed it well but now the expectation might be a little too high. It's great you've gotten to a point whereby you can all spend a lovely day together and enjoy each other's company. They've accepted you and are happy to spend time with you alongside their dad. BUT, what you're expecting now is some sort of emotional attachment, for them to think of you when you're not there (as they would family), to love you essentially. Unfortunately that's not going to happen if it hasn't already but it doesn't mean you can't have a positive relationship, it just means they see you as their dad's wife who they like and get along with. That needs to be enough for you because it just won't ever be more than that. You can't expect emotion and sentimentality and you certainly can't play martyr when you don't get it. What you're doing is great but it has limits to what it will achieve and I think you've reached them.

@billy1966 and @ayegazumba... thank you.

I think, I’ve reached a place where I’m accepted in small doses. I need to convince DH that he must have a relationship with “his” that doesn’t necessarily include me. It does of course, work both ways. When I don’t want to do something/join in this “not really/never gonna happen/pseudo-family” that I’m not made to feel bad for not doing. There have been big events in the past 16yrs where, I’ve been included but then told I couldn’t go because DH’s Ex said she wouldn’t attend if I was there. Remember, she left him. DH and I met years later. So, I backed down and stayed home. Then it got to the stage where DH would refuse to go if I wasn’t invited. It really has been tough.

It sounds awful, and a very hard road.

I'm with poster's who say they would NEVER get involved with a man with children and I certainly wouldn't want it for my children.

It involves huge sacrifice, swallowing your needs and utterly thankless, for what?
"to be accepted in small doses".🙄

Screw that.

@billy1966 to be fair, in the vast majority of cases, the women in these positions aren’t there through charitable endeavours. I mean, they’ve decided to enter into a relationship with the man - the kids didn’t choose this. Regardless of anything else, the entire relationship with the step kids is only apparent because of the choking of the parents to be together. That being the case, how could the step parent ever expect to be loved sincerely by the kids? In some cases it happens and on others it doesn’t, neither is the fault of the kids.

Place marking this as it's relevant to my life. I very much understand the damned if you do, damned if you don't.

OP, I sympathise with you. At the very least, you know you have been honourable and that's a credit to you. If you do want to be loved by the step grandchild, make the effort as you would like because the child will more than likely love you. But people like you and me aren't always loved when met later on in life / adult age no matter What we do. I would also say, the step children ignoring you was done to hurt their father and show that they don't approve. But once they accepted his "decision" they then somewhat warmed to you. Your step daughter shouldn't really need to ask you what you would like to be called. She should have said id like my to call you "xyz" is that ok with you? But by placing the onus on you, expecting you to gracefully not say, she has removed that decision from herself and can't be blamed. Like reverse psychology, it is a known tactic in some cultures.

Can't say much about the WhatsApp thing but as somebody said, something would have triggered this feeling and it's so strong you can't ignore it and you can explain it. Damned if you do damned of you don't.

I hope your son has a child and you get to experience being a grandma who is very much wanted. I know if that happened you would be a very kind and loving grandma. You mentioned your past regarding adoption. You crave familial love, you're not wrong to want that at any age.

Wish you all the best op x

@Sammiesnake
I agree with you.
This is not about the children.
I think it must be very difficult for them too.

My concern in my post is re young women walking into a step mother/blended family scenario.

It sounds utterly thankless and miserable for the woman involved.

As stepmothers we are 'required to love our stepchildren as if we had given birth to them and raised them from infancy'. In return for that, decades later, our reward is "to be accepted in small doses".

Anyone see a problem with that?